I have just recently found out my H is in an EA with a former college date (only dated 1 time)from 35 years ago. They became reacquainted in Oct. 08 and started an internet relationship from there. We live 6 hours from her. When I initially found out he told me he would stop the contact and I believed him. 2 months later I found out that they actually had re-started contact and on Jan. 31st they met for the afternoon. That is when I found out the EA was ongoing. Since then my H has started counseling but does not want MC yet. Says he needs to have personal counseling first. Initially said he would have left for this woman if it wasn't for the kids. I do not believe the EA is over. Not a PA only because OW doesn't want to be involved with a MM although she has professed her abundant love for him.

I am doing Plan A and things seem to be going quite well. He is very responsive to me and we are getting along great for now. Had a Valentines day weekend away from kids which was awesome! My question is...since the OW is not married...is there no exposing in Plan A? I do have contact information for her.

BS 52
WH 55
DS21
DS17
DD16
married 26years

Expose to the rest of her family

Don't believe this. POSOP don't care.

Have you confirmed OW isn't married or is this per your WH? Don't believe a liar. What did they do that afternoon?

If YOU can confirm there is no BH then expose OW to her family, friends, and make her life hell.

He needs to cut all contact with this OW for life.



Let's rethink this. She was willing to conduct inappropriate internet contact with him and was willing to have a secret meeting with him, professes undying love to him but we should trust her that she does not want to commit physical adultery because he is a married man?

Let’s not trust her on this. She is pegging pretty low on the Morals-O-Meter.

He must never contact her again.

Research No Contact Letters on this site and get your WH to send one soon.

Good point BR. How do YOU know she is not married. I think you need to confirm if the source of the information was just your WH.

Sorry to bust your bubble, but this is probably more than an EA. The reasoning that it's "not a PA only because OW doesn't want to be invoved with a MM" is probably a lie. Waywards lie, lie, lie.

Have you done any snooping to find out the truth? How do you know OW is not married? Because she told WH and he told you? You need to find out for sure.

You DO need to do exposure... to your friends, family, church, work, to HER friends, family, church work, etc. You do it all at once and don't tell WH what you're about to do.

Donuts to dollars, the affair is still on. MC won't help if he's still involved in an active affair.

If you can afford it, you might give the Harleys a call for some coaching on what to do.

Welcome to MB, sorry that you're here.

So, if you are certain that they continue in contact and he refuses to write a no contact letter and also refuses to give you access to phone account, e-mail account, etc., you have many exposure targets:

Your family

His family

OW's family

You can also call OW yourself and let her know that she is interfering in your marriage and that if she has any moral judgement at all, she will end contact and stop professing her love to a married man.

I assume your WH told you this info about her not wanting to be involved with a married man. I would not assume that they did not have sex that time they met. I am sorry to alarm you, but waywards lie.

Also, how do you know she is not married or that she does not have a partner?

I do know she is not married and hasn't been for years. I know she has a mother and a friend because she gave my H the friends name to contact if for some reason he was not able to get in touch with her. He did contact the friend once after he told her(OW) the first time that there would be no further contact. She wrote him a sob letter and my H called the friend to make sure she was ok. So, obviously that friend already knows. Not sure how to find other friends. I also saw a letter from her indicating she was close to her mother.

So he did write one no contact letter, but then went back on his word. What is he telling you now? Is he aware that you find this relationship to be a danger to your marriage?

You say that you have been in an effective Plan A. Is he still not willing to go no contact with her?

Sounds like she laid a guilt trip on him. She "needs" him. So he is the knight in shining armour in her eyes.

GSJ, my suggestion would be to call the mother and then call the OW. The OW might have been told that your H is separated, etc? Do you know where OW lives and HOW DO YOU KNOW she is not married?

Are you snooping on him?

I do have access to his phone and email accounts...I check them regularly...he keeps his email account very cleaned out but that is not a new behavior for him.

I do agree with you about the sex part. I do not think for a minute that he is telling the truth but at this point that is what he is claiming. Never thought about her having a partner...just knew from others she wasn't married.

Just had a great exposure thought..they saw each other at a reunion in Oct. and I have contact information for most of the people that were there. Mutual friends from many years ago some of which I know also. At this point he is refusing the nc letter but I could contact her directly also.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Do you have any copies of the correspondence that shows she is saying things to a married man that are inappropriate or any that show your WH is saying inappropriate things to her?

When you expose this to your own mother, your mother could possibly become upset and contact OW's mother and let her know that her daughter is interfering with her daughter's marriage

That could be one piece of an exposure plan.

If you have access to emails and whatever, keep a copy of them. WH could spin the truth and make you out to be a jealous nut. Do not believe he is incapable of this. Plus they can serve as evidence if OW tries to play innocent. Does OW have any adult children? I'd expose to her mother. If you decide to confront OW yourself be sure to put the fear of God in her. Don't be nice and ask her to leave you H alone. Don't ask, tell her. Do not threat exposure of give WH or OW notice.

Sorry you are here GSJ.

Even if your WH is doing his best right now to commit to no contact he is still in a withdrawal period that may last several more weeks or even months. In withdrawal the fire is out but the embers are still hot and there is plenty of smoke. One slight breeze (contact) and it can blow right back up into a 3-alarm adultery.

Trust us on this. He can not contact her again. He can’t check up on her through friends. He needs to be totally transparent with his phone calls and internet activity with you. This is critical to the future of your marriage.





He needs to respect you enough to do this.

Develop an exposure plan. Put it all together and then come back and describe it to us here. Think about who you want to expose to: If you expose to friends that were at that reunion, pick carefully who you expose to. Sometimes "friends" are more interested in the drama. When you do expose, ask them for their advise. That way, you can encourage their support of your marriage.

Is he refusing no contact?

Get a keylogger installed on his computer.

Does he have another cell phone?

This is so hard....

I have a letter that WH forwarded to me from her telling him that he was to stop the correspondence with her. The stress of being in a relationship with a MM was too much for her and she felt guilty hurting me. She said she would wait for him but that she wanted him to try to make things work with me. The problem really is WH from the looks of the letter. While she says she loves him in the letter she did ask for no contact and he has contacted her again. So...should I contact her and tell her again to refuse contact with him?

Yes, I would include contacting her in your exposure plan. She told him that she would wait for him. So she is continuing to cause disruption in his marriage. I would also include contacting her mother. I would also include exposure to your mother and close family.

Your mother may be so distraught by what you tell her that she may want to contact OW's mother herself.

You really need to install a keylogger on the computer so you can tell if he is in e-mail contact with her.

Oh geez. POSOW is a manipulator and doesn't want to look like a tramp...I'll wait for you...how noble. :RollieEyes: WH is the problem but OW is full of it too.

Contact her and tell her that you are watching them both and that HELL IS COMING HER WAY if she dares contact him again or responds to any contact. TELL HER HELL IS COMING.