My wife has been forthcoming with answers to my questions.

There are a few answers that could possibly be true, but are highly unlikely. HIGHLY unlikely.

I will never be able to prove she's lying. I only have her word to go on. Her answers to these particular questions have not changed one bit in 2.5 years.

These questions would probably seem like no big deal to most people, but I feel like I'm being lied to.

I don't know that they warrant a polygraph test, especially this far into recovery.

Do I just let it go, knowing that letting things go isn't exactly one of my strenthgs? Am I just being obsessive? I can't shake my anger over these relatively minor questions and her iffy-at-best answers.

Maybe I'm officially a basket case.

No your only human.

I know I would have issue with "If walks like a duck, talks like a duck, don't tell me it's a cat".

This could haunt you for a looong time to come if you don't take action that will burn the nagging reg flags.

You know, Krazy, I do think you are krazy, but not in this regard. And let me tell you why. I have been here for 8 years. In all that time, I can think of exactly TWO situations where the BS was actually krazy, whose suspicions were groundless.

It has been my experience that 9 times out 10 when a BS' instincts are telling him something doesnt add up, those instincts are usually RIGHT. That has been the RULE rather than the exception.

The way i would present this to a WS in this situation is to tell her that you have strong suspicions about the story she told and you wonder if maybe you are off base. If your suspicions are off base, that is not FAIR to the WS and it keeps you obsessed with wondering. That condition prevents you from moving forward and "getting over it." If she would agree to take a polygraph, this would clear her good name and allow you to move forward. Would she be willing to do that?

If I remember correctly your wife's A was 3.5 years long?

I'd go poly. That's a long time to lie.

And you deserve the peace.

Dude,

You are 37 years old. Do you want this rat gnawing on your insides for the next 35 or 40 years?? Or more?

Does she know about your feelings on these questions?

Bring the polygraph up to her. See her reaction. Schedule the test and ask her one more time the night before, like Mgolfer did.

Maybe she will come clean before the test.

Or she will take the test AND PASS!!!!

Then what the HECK do you do???

kirk

Polygraph - 3

Other Answers - 0

I think I see a pattern developing.

She has said in the past that she'd gladly take a polygraph test if it would give me peace of mind. She likely thought I'd never go through with it.

Maybe scheduling it, with her blessing, is the way to go. Maybe she'll crack and spill the beans. I see no other resolution.

I've begged to take a polygraph. Then he'll know I'm not lying!!!!

Do it, and then let it go forever.

Is Krazy ... crazy????????

No. Not on this issue.

Doesn't matter if I and everyone here say whatever you want to know is minor or not.. to YOU its important... and that's all that does count.

Maybe you should write down what you want to know and then answer each one with the WORSE possible response and consider how that affects recovery. Does it mean you both need to work on X instead Y etc etc.

If its that important be upfront and tell her your doubts and would she be willing to do a poly. You could say then it would lay your doubts to rest on those issues and would I guess help recovery immensely.

Well of course you are Krazy !!!

But you are not crazy. I know there are many things about my FWHs A that he supposedly does not remember (and i guess it could be possible because he was drinking A LOT during that time) but i too find it highly unlikely that he does not remember, it is more like he does not want to tell me.

Let me ask you this, are these things that are bugging you things that may make it worse if you find out?

I am just asking because i have decided that the last of my questions that my FWH has never answered (or at least i do not belive he answered them truthfully) i am not sure i want the answers to KWIM!!!

I do not think you are crazy. I agree with Mel that the vast majority of the time the BS's instincts (with regard to a WS's lying) are correct. Especially when it is multiple questions that linger. Just meaning everyone has the occassional hard to believe story, but seldom does one person have several of them that occurred all in a short time period.

I'm not a fan of the polygraph. I personally would not want that in my marital history and ultimately, I do not think it is the fix that many think it is.

I mean if I were a WS and had a secret I did not want divulge, I would offer to take a polygraph (or agree to it if suggested) as a bluff, banking on the fact that my spouse would not actually go through with it. I would stick with that all the way up to the day of the test. Maybe I would break into a song and dance about how this just prooves our M will never recover and up my bluff into if you make me take this I will divorce you. Might flat out refuse on "principle". But if I did go through with it, I would either find some way to mess up the test while steadfastly declaring I was not doing that, or I would just take the test and lie. If I beat the test, great. If there was any ambiguity in the results I would jump all over that as proof of it being unreliable, and if it conclusively showed I was lying, I would just add another layer of highly unlikely to my already highly unlikely story.

Inevitably, this leads the BS right back to whether they should take their spouses word for it, or just deal with the fact that their spouse is A-OK with lying to them about things in their past.

I'm much more of an advocate of just telling her you don't believe her story. You don't need the polygraph to justify your "right" to not trust them. Your "rights" is this regard have been sufficiently established by their preceding activity.

Tell her what you think the truth is and act accordingly. (I assume you have an alternate explanation to her story that you consider more believeable). Tell her that it will probably come up again and again, permanantly be an issue in your M, and utlimately you are unsure whether you will be able to live with that. Let her work with you on a way to resolve this problem. At 2.5 years into recovery, it seems like you would be moving into some more "advanced" areas like POJA, PORH, etc.

When was the last time you brought this up with her and under what circumstances?

For the most part, things are improving at home. The "iffy answers" issue came up a week ago, during a minor dispute that ended up being rather heated.

She's going through a paranoia stage again, very afraid that I'm going to have a revenge affair, despite the fact that I stated that I'm willing to do what it takes to prove I'm not.

I take great offense at being accused of wanting to cheat, although I understand where she's coming from.

I've already told her I don't believe her, many times. I've told her I may never get past her less-than-believable "facts". I've told her to quit worrying about my feelings and start worrying about our marriage. Still, her answers haven't waivered one bit.

I don't want to be a bury-my-head-in-the-sand BH, but I guess it's possible she's telling the truth. Either way, I either have to accept what she says, deal with what I think the truth is, or get divorced.

Not sure I follow you on this. Are you saying you think she is not revealing the "truth" because she does not trust you to act responsibly with the information? Or are you bringing up a separate topic?


Fair enough. You said above that the discussion was heated, so maybe that is the issue.

First off, I would say that none of this advice matters if the FWS is just unreasonable.

So assuming your FWW is relatively reasonable, I would wonder why does she feel compelled to keep withholding the truth. Generally, lying is the result of either fear, shame or to work toward an objective. Since you said these are minor facts, I'd guess there is no major underlying objective. So that leaves fear or shame. Which do you think it is? If its fear, then perhaps you can work it out. If its shame, I imagine you will be stuck with it.


I don't think it is bury your head in the sand. Its just being practical.

Here's what I think, and Krazy is a LOT like my BH- and we're at the 3 years post A mark and Krazy and FWW are almost there...

She's either telling the truth, as she sees it at least...for me, being 3 years past d-day, being totally ashamed and sorry for what I did, I am trying not to remember the ugly details and am hoping they get dimmer and dimmer....I try not to remember anything about that horrible time and the horrible thing I did to my family.....

OR

She's afraid that if she did tell you the truth you'd be out the door in a second. You, like my BH, have the big D out there still, at least in your mind as evidenced by your posts. It's not safe to tell the truth about that part of the past. You might SAY it is, but it's not really and she knows it. With D on the table, no one is REALLY invested in recovery. Of course, it is there anyways, but the more it's brought up as a viable alternative, the less safe you are.

Your posts make me wonder if I'm just tilting at windmills in my own marriage, hoping against hope he'll ever forgive and we can recover...at least you're here on MB.....

how far into recovery are you really? Maybe you will begin after the poly. Do it. If she has a problem with it. She is lying, divorce her.


...then you need the poly.