We are about 4 months out from d-day and for the past 3 months she has been totally committed to recovery. In fact, she has probably been a better wife in the past few months than she was at any time in our marriage. This time, the problem isn’t her. It’s me.

I find myself going through periods where I serious wonder if I did the right thing. I find myself getting angry with her over the simplest of things and thinking that I would have been better off to have just kicked her to the curb on d-day. I don’t feel like this all of the time, but enough that it’s beginning to concern me. It’s almost like I was so consumed with winning the fight to save my marriage that I didn’t really have time to think about what would I was winning or what would happen after I won.

It is even affecting our SF. If she does anything that is the least bit unfamiliar to me, I immediately wonder if that’s something she did with OM and the mood is ruined. In fact it’s gotten to the point where we’ve almost reversed roles. I used to want SF every day and she was happy with 2-3x/week. Now she seems to want it every day and I’m don’t want it nearly as much.

I guess my question is how normal are these feelings. Is this just me, or is this just one of the valleys in the recovery process.

Did you Plan A your wife?

It was a huge blow MG. It takes a long time. Most agree that the BS struggles again with all the feelings you describe at around D-Day + 6-months. Maybe you are just a little ahead of schedule.

Good to hear from you again.



Totally normal.

No it's not just you. I still have moments where I wonder why I ever gave H another chance because he didn't deserve it. The anger and resentment flare up every so often but it has gotten better.

I agree, completely normal.

There is also that thing that sometimes we are more attracted to what we are losing, or where there is a challenge, than when it is readily available or pursuing us: the ebb and flow of things.

MG, sounds like you still have questions about the affair and all the nitty-grity details of their hook-up. I had the same issues and it was only when the WW told me all the things her and OM did in bed that I could get past it.

Yes, it sucked hearing all the things they did, but I needed to know. I needed to know for my own sanity.

It was hard starting SF with my wife again, but it does get better with time.

Talk to her, explain your frustrations and concerns. Tell her what you need.

MG,

Glad to see you posting again.

You have been through mucho, brother! And yes, it is very normal.

I am over 4 years since dday and still have those thoughts. Less often and not anywhere as intense, but they still flicker through the brain at times.

She, just being there, is a constant reminder.

The thoughts will dwindle. You are 4 months out from dday. The chest wound is still raw and smarting, although it is starting to heal around the edges.

The shock and trauma, the adrenaline fight or flight anxiety is lessening and you are realizing that your life is changed, how you view yourself and her and everyone around you is different.

Your brain is now in the processing process. We BSs tend to mentally masturbate and obsess over the event and all the baggage associated with betrayal. Thinking too much, maybe.

""the past 3 months she has been totally committed to recovery. In fact, she has probably been a better wife in the past few months than she was at any time in our marriage.''

""Now she seems to want it every day and I’m don’t want it nearly as much.""

EVERY BS's DREAM!! ENJOY IT!!

And to answer you question again, the feelings are very normal. In fact you are on the exact timetable in this recovery process.

Are you both going to MC? Talking about it in a controlled atmosphere can be very therapeutic. And also lets your wife be on the alert for triggers she can avoid.

IMHO

kirk

DNU1

I don't think you were around when mgolfer first posted. He got the nitty-gritty faster than most and WW even took a polygraph.

To answer a few of you in one post:

Yes, I have been in Plan A since d-day. I have been working hard to meet her EN and avoid LB’s. She has been doing the same for me since about a month after d-day. We seem to being doing everything “right” by the book. It’s just that there are days when I go “what the heck have I gotten myself into.”

As far as getting the “nitty-gritty,” I had her take a polygraph soon after d-day and she did so without hesitation. I got answers to everything I could think of at the time. I chose not to find out all of the details about their PA. I know the when, the where, and enough of the how. She’s probably not doing anything much different than pre-affair, but maybe I am just hyper-sensitive to every movement or sound that seems different. There is also a little sense that the affair has taken a little of the shine off of something that was special and exclusive between just the two of us.

It is nice to hear that this is normal, if anything can be normal after infidelity. It’s not all bad. On most days, I feel really positive about where we’ve come in 4 months. But, there are days when I just want to run. I am very competitive by nature and I think that after d-day I let my competitive nature take control. I was determined to win. I just hadn’t really thought about what “winning” would mean down the road.

I was so happy early on that I had won and broken up her affair and convinced her to recommit to the marriage. I think that I am now seeing that I may have won the battle, but the war is going to take a lot longer to win. I am becoming aware that stopping the affair wasn’t necessarily winning. It was just surviving the initial attack and living to fight another day.

We have put off starting MC, but maybe it’s time to start. She is willing. It’s been more me that’s held things up. I am a private person, and I have been really hesitant about opening up to a stranger. But, maybe it’s time to get past my insecurities for the sake of my marriage.

Totally normal for you to feel that way. I'm in second year recovery and H was like your W - totally committed to R. He now pretends it never happened. Unfortunately WS don't realize they have put permanent visuals and thoughts in our brains. The thoughts come back to haunt now and then but you have to keep it in perspective of what has been accomplished and remember relationships are not perfect. I don't care what anyone says - all relationships are works in progress.

GG

Hi Mg,

Good to see you. I'm sure it's hard to remember everything everyone told you about your journey. Here's one:


This is what he was talking about.

It's totally understandable so expect these kinds of feelings. But they'll get better as your M does. YOU are still on the rollercoaster. And in reality you are on it alone. No matter how well she is treating you or how much remorse she shows, she CANNOT take the pain and anger away. YOU have to work through it. It's unfair but that's how it goes. So IC and MC may help you.

And when those feelings arise, think about your W NOW, not as she was, but NOW. It'll help your anger some.

These things that affect your privacy and force you to relook at your marriage, this may well change you into an awesome H.

The fight for a perfect marriage is still under way,

You're as "normal" as any of the rest of us BH's, but I don't know if that's a good thing or not yet.

I'll let you in on something I've noticed, and you appear to be experiencing as well. Pre-A, like most couples, my W would do something that mildly aggravated me, and I would just let it roll off my back, but that changed for me completely on D-Day ... I just can't help it, but I too am super hyper-sensitive to ANYTHING that doesn't set well with me now.

I am constantly on red alert for anything out of the ordinary, or that even resembles deception, entitlement, selfishness, disrespect, etc. I know from my readings that things could be MUCH worse, but I doubt if I would have the patience or understanding to deal with it if it were.

I don't think I've shared any real "words of wisdom" with you, but maybe it will help to hear that others "understand" and can relate to what you are experiencing.

MG,

""We have put off starting MC, but maybe it’s time to start. She is willing. It’s been more me that’s held things up. I am a private person, and I have been really hesitant about opening up to a stranger.""

If you find a crackerjack MC she will direct the conversation, act like a referee, if you will, keeping you both on track, guiding the communication to where it needs to go.

Basically getting the dialogue started and asking the right questions of you and wifey to dig down into the the depths of your feelings and vent. Which is good to get this out AND she can sometimes explain or translate what you are blithering about, like she did with me. :RollieEyes:

I am saying she because ours was a woman.

You are opening up to your wife THROUGH the stranger.

I would say go for it.

If you choose a BOZO MC look for a good one, rather than just stopping.

IMHO

kirk

Seems very normal to me, what you are going through. It is still so incredibly close to D-Day.
I read a study on another site by a woman who interviewed BH's that stayed. She talked to guys that were one or two years out. They said the same thing youd, that their initial desire to reconcile was based on a competetive thing as well as fear of the unknown and being alone.

Unfortunately, overwhelmingly, in retrospect, the vast majority of the guys, after the inital fear and competition motivations wore off, regretted their decison to stay with their WWs. Thye were feeling as you do, that the relationship was now permanently tainted and they could not regain trust, respect or love after this.

This may not be what you want to hear, and it may not apply to you, as some did feel good about the decison. I think even Harley would tell you that most relatioships do not survive infidelity.

But, still, I think it makes sense to do everything you are doing to see if yours is one that may. Then, after you have worked at it, if you have to leave it, you will know you gave it your best shot. You never know. Faldo was ,what, 9 down to Norman going into the final round? It happens. Takes a good long time, though. Best of luck.

Black Raven, thanks for the heads up...and no, I didn't know his history before reading this post

However...


Little history: After DDay #1 I wanted nothing to do with my WW and asked her to leave the apt while I sorted out my feelings. This freaked her out and scared the crap out of her. She tried everything to make things better and fast.

When I finally did allow her home after two weeks we were intimate -- I wanted to be with her to sort of reclaim us. And see what it would be like to be SF with her. It was intense and awkward all at same time. Then I started to get wild notions in my crazy mind -- what had she done with him, etc.

So I quickly demanded all the nitty-gritty details. And it sucks to hear that she did things with OM#1 that she refused with me. But we worked through things and our SF got better. It was hard.

This time around (yep, remember, this is A#2) I didn't want nitty-gritty, just basic details. And now I'm finding that I want to know the details. My WW is still going through withdrawal and the SF has been slim to none. Her anti-depressants are having effect on her sex drive, we both know that. But something deep down in my gut says there is more to her not wanting to be intimate.

And yes, I'm feeling the rollercoaster today also. High...then low. Then HIGH, then lower than low! Sucks, but I'm trying to work through this.

We are all rowing in the same boat. I'm wondering who has the helm?

I was refered to this thread by someone commenting on mine. I have been on this roller coaster for I don't really know how long and I loose track of time. You see I am a soldier in Iraq and havn't even gone home yet to see my WW in person. I guess you could say that I am going through that fight or flight stage and more fight than flight. I don't really have any friends at home that my WW can hang out with and all the people she has gotten to know I haven't met since I've been out here. We talk as often as I can get a chance and I just can't get a good feel for where things are going. Reading your thread helped me understand my feelings and know that the ones I am having are normal because of you. I am a soldier and have been through a lot in the Army, but nothing has ever been harder than this. You have shown me through your thread what my road ahead might be like and it sounds better than where I am at right now. Sometimes when my WW and I talk we talk as if none of this ever happened and sometimes it is so overwhelming that is all we can talk about. I am in a war zone and I have to keep a focused and positive out look on things and this makes it all harder than it should have been. Looking at your thread gave me a better picture of the possible future of how things might head and it is calming to know that I am not alone and this is possible to get through. This site has done this soldier a service and you as well for having the courage to share what you have on this site. I thank you and will try to get through my resolution one day at a time.

No, THANK YOU for putting yourself in harms way for this country!!!! You can't imagine the respect and admiration I have for you and your fellow soldiers!

Hang in there and take care of yourself!