First time poster . . . .

Back in Dec 05 WH had an affair and gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. I found MB and practiced Plan A and a very short Plan B successfully. Soon he was back. We went to counseling and I read Dr. Harley's books (he wasn't interested in "psychobabble"). Things were going well and I was actually able to forgive the affair. However, within a few months I became aware of a drug problem he was hiding. I couldn't stand more lies so I left.

Through the years we have remained friends and gone back and forth on the desire to reconcile. We have simply never been on the same page at the same time. Admittedly, at times I have been too full of pride and held a desire to move on with my life. I feared he would never be the honest man I want to share my life.

After my last attempt to reconcile the marriage, I decided I needed closure so I filed for D which was granted in Aug 08. Within a month he married a woman 11 years younger whom he had just met. He has been miserable ever since and talked to a lawyer recently to get a legal separation (she won't move out of what used to be our house).

Yesterday we had a parent/teach conference for DS5. After the conference I asked him if he's sure his marriage is over.
His reply "I've been trying to make an appt with our ex counselor to see if it is just me but I do want to end the marriage".
I replied "You're just not over me" (sounds so vain - not like me).
He said "Is that so".
I said "Well that is my problem. I can't move on. It's been 3 years and I still miss you every single day"
He said "ok" (with the tone 'where the hell did that come from')
I walked away.

We talked on the phone once since and nothing was mentioned. Just kid talk. I have not in any way interfered with his marriage before. He would complain about her to me and I would tell him it's inappropriate - tell a friend, not your XW.

I truly want my family back together. I want my husband back (but he's not my husband anymore, he's someone else's). Am I in the wrong? I suppose the right thing to do is nothing till he is separated. Should I wait for his divorce to be final (NC takes 1 year)? Or should I try another plan A immediately after he separates?

Any advice/suggestions are much appreciated. He is a very good man. Raised my 3 kids as his own and very family oriented. I should have never split b/c of the lies. I regret not trying harder to work it out.

Disable friendly contact. Look how easy it is to dismantle marriages from the position of spectator.

Think about his present wife who has no idea of whats going on!

He also lies, cheats and does drugs. Somehow I don't see those as qualities of a "very good man".

The answer to your situation is to Plan B your XH IMO.

Your X hasn't proved to you that he has improved, changed, is a better man. So I ask - why do you want to beat yourself up again be repeating past experiences with him?

GG

Thanks for the comments.
I guess the answer is - yes, it is too late!
I will have NC with XH.
I have had 2 relationships over the course of 3 years with very nice men who would have made great life partners. However, I can't seem to feel a connection with anyone b/c the connection with XH still seems so strong. Is this normal? Should I not date till I feel completely over my ex? Or can a new relationship help to heal the old?

Hi raindancer-

Have you ever thought of going to DivorceCare? You can find a group by typing your zip code in on their website. It might help you process your feelings and understand how to move through it all.

It takes time to recover from the end of a marriage.

Hope this helps-

Thank you, Johnstwin.
I have found a local program and sent an initial email inquiring how to enroll.