My W of 4 1/2 years moved out a month ago and got her own apt. I have had to move in with my mother because I'm am paying child support for my 2 kids from my first marriage. My current W and I have no children but she has a daughter. My story is long and complicated but I'll try to shorten it up. I was a little angry at times with her and kids but never physically hurt anyone. I'm sure they all walked on eggshells around me. I wasn't real happy with myself. She works nights and never would go to days when I asked her she said we couldn't afford to. So I suppose that caused some resentment toward her and I am a little needier than her. We slowly grew apart and she started talking to an ex of hers that lives 600 miles away back in fall of 2007. He is a pilot and she says they met at airport one time last April. My W has M.S., she is 30 yrs old and year ago we lost our house and had to file bankruptcy because she was in charge of finances and lied to me about it all. And on top of that she was hooked on pain pills(she is a nurse). At first we were getting along fine after split but now she won't talk except a few texts per day. I called her ex a couple of weeks ago and he called her within the hour and she texted me that we were through and get ready for D. I fot upset and she wouldn't talk except through texts and she also said she had been seeing someone locally for past 6 months. I immediately called her parents about pain pills she was still taking a year after me and her parents put her in detox. My W was livid and she convinced her parents I was lying. So here we are, she barely talks to me. I still love her and desparately want my second marriage to work. I was just hoping I could get more advice. I try to leave her alone but fail alot and she caught me driving by her apt the other night as well.

This is a place that you have to learn to fix your anger.

Expose everything that you know about the affair to those that can affect it. Read the articles in the red column above in Q&A. Get a copy of the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

Best wishes.

Were either you or your W still M'd when you started your relationship?

Hello,

My divorce was final two weeks after my current W I started dating. She had never been married just engaged to the ex she is talking with now. She wanted to move in together, get married, have a baby and change her daughter's last name to mine. We moved way to quick and I got caught up in it. Neither of us were in a relationship when we met. But certainly rushed things looking back.

It turns out she was lying about seeing someone locally for six months. She says she only said that so I would want a divorce. As far as a physical affair she says no but I do know there was an emotional affair and still is.

In other words, you were still M'd at the time. What were the reasons for the breakdown of your M?

I'm going to guess that she's lying about lying and is now trying to cover her butt...and protect the OM from exposure

WS's lie. It's in their job description.

Well if you are referring to my first marriage. We were married 8 yrs and I worked 50 to 70 hours a week for many years and when I wasn't working I was fishing or hunting with a buddy or my brother. Not to mention my temper and mood swings. I was overbearing and neglected her and kids. And she ended up having an affair with our babysitter's husband that lived next door. So this has been a pattern in my life.

Are there any women out there that have some advice for me. Please let me know, thanks.
Lance

Straighten up your act and don't date until you're divorced.

If she's addict you can't really work the plans here effectively. The addiction needs to be dealt with first. The reason being that addicts basically think of themselves and their next fix. Your needs will come in last. Is she off the pills?

You've been M for 4 1/2 years with no children. Have you thought this through and have decided without a shadow of a doubt that this is the woman you want to spend your life with? If so, there's a lot of work that needs to be done.

From what you have written, you seem to M these women and then ignore them or treat them poorly. Now that's no excuse for an A(there is NEVER an excuse for an A), however your contribution to the state of your M(s) seems to have been lacking in ALL areas.

My suggestion is to work on you first. Change from this angry fellow to someone who is pleasant to be around. You would have to stop the independent behavior of going out with buddies or fishing or whatever. You have to spend time with a S to have the time to meet eachother's needs. Do you know what her ENs (emotional needs) are?

To be honest with you, you don't sound like a joy to be around so why don't you change that. I'm sure your moodiness and anger and overall negligence was a tremendous LB and now she has had enough.

Only thing you can do is to ask her for a chance to make some permanent changes. We're talking action here, not words. Ask her on a date, keep it light hearted. No M talk. Have some fun. See if you can do a few dates like this. You've got to SHOW her that you want to change and you can. She doesn't want to come back to the same old thing. KWIM? It's got to be different. Improve you.

See if she'll even go for this.

Totally agree with MicheleG.

Michele,

Thanks for the advice. I'm not as bad as I made myself sound. But I have had some anger outbursts(nothing physical) in past not so much this past year. Mostly, I have been needy, untrusting of her, somewhat controlling, not as sympathetic with her M.S.
As far as meeting her Emotional Needs, I know I was lacking in that area too. She is very independent emotionally and financially although I should have tried harder.
I did get her a massage for Valentines and her daughter a gift.
As far as the addiction issue, she says she isn't taking the pills buy I know she has pain associated with her M.S. I'm not excusing the habit but wished I had been more supportive. I want to believe she's clean.
I have been working on myself the last month and a half and have made some progress. I'm managing the anger thing real well. I'm doing better with the control thing but need some work still. And I'm trying to give her space and time. I text a few times a day and sometimes not at all. I never call her and occasionally I see her at soccer games(our daughters play on same team).
I will try the date thing but so far she hasn't agreed on going to dinner or anything else. The first week after we got our own places, we had dinner a few times and she even allowed me to stay and watch movies with her and stay the night(nothing intimate). But I lost her trust when I called her parents about pain pill addiction and called her ex all about a month ago. But I'll slowly work more on myself and hopefully she'll notice some genuine changes in me.

thanks so much