Thanks to a lot of help here, I stopped my WW from meeting the OM in person this weekend. To sum up, he is an X from 20 years ago that my WW told my MIL was always in the back of her head. They have been carrying on an EA for about 8 weeks, but have not reconnected for a PA. I found out Monday that the trip she was taking with a gal pal for the weekend was actually the OM coming to town (he lives out of state).
I exposed the A and stopped the trip. The OM, as you might expect, is indifferent to my interference. My W, however, feels isolated and alone, and thinks everyone will take my side. She is doing a pretty good job of beating herself up. Still wary, however, I have protected all our finances, hijacked the computer so it records everything, and am in the process of filing Alienation of Affection against the OM.
I've been married 4 years, no kids... I fight for this marriage because the communication and emotional attachments - albeit lacking of late - were beyond what I thought could be. I am a withdrawn, introverted personality, so this level of connection is light years above what I normally experience. I know that some have questioned if that's enough to fight for... let's just say it is for me. Can I promise that will continue to be the case? No. I am mindful of the greater picture, and I won't be taking any crap.
Now Plan A appears to be doing its thing, although she is waiting for the "old me" to surface, or to stop acting so "fake." I am trying to make her understand that I'm doing this for me - and truly I am - with ok success. But of course I would be pleased if it could lead us to a better relationship.
Thus far, however, she will not agree to NC. I understand that this is frequently the case, and that's what Plan B is for. I can be patient... but I don't know if she can be. I think it's possible she will bolt (most of her family is out of state). Do I just stick with Plan A, and see what happens? How much do I stress my desire for NC between her and OM? There is still so far to go.
Thanks everyone for all the support and advice. I need it so much!