My husband who has come and gone 3 different times and who I vowed NOT to take him back came over yesterday evening wanting to be "just friends!"

I have not taken him back so to speak...but he wanted to work on being just friends..I actually let him stay over last night. We did NOT sleep together though..What is wrong with me? Even though I have said I wouldn't take him back..I have allowed him to stay over...YES he is still seeing the OW. I bet she doesn't even know that he was over..I asked him that.but of course he says she knew and understood...right!

Are there any clear cut rules for separation I should be following? Like not allowing him to stay...I bet him and his OW had a fight or something and thats why he was over! Anyway he left to go off to his job...who knows if he'll be on my porch later or not!

GRR I could kick myself...I really am starting to think there is something wrong with him..like maybe he is mental...and its make me mental as well!

Sorry, just needed to vent!

You're weak.

Just don't answer the phone or the door. He'll get the hint. Change your email addresses. Change your phone number. And change your locks.

Stop letting him eat cake. He is being disgusting.

I know..you're right, I am weak...

What in the world would make him think we could be friends?

Like I said he is mental/delusional and now I think I have become that way myself!

Are there any children around/involved?
If so, I'd try to have some support or have the kids gone.

P.S. If you really don't want him over- call him, text him, email and hang a flag over your door telling him he is not welcome.

Here is hoping he will get the message.

But the message has to be direct and stood by.

Sounds like he is a class ONE taker. Time for you to get off the givin' train.

How long have you been married? Are you trying to repair this relationship?

Hope this helps.

Your weakness makes him sure you will be friends.

No we're not trying to repair it....yes we have kids...I'm sure they are really really confused....

I had taken him back 3 times prior, when he begged and said he wanted to work things out..I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then he would pop back up and say he no longer wanted to try to work it out.

Last time we tried..he was here for about 3-4 weeks and we were both in MC together and I actually thought things were at least improving some, and all of a sudden he said he didn't think it would work and left again.

The first thought that springs to mind is
"Once a cheater, always a cheater".
Did he cheat on you with her?
Did he expect to cheat on her with you?

I'll bet she knew and understood. If he cheated on you with her, more likely she was at home crying her eyes out remembering what they did to you and imagining him doing it to her.

I am his wife and HE cheated on ME with HER..she was a good friend of mine at the time.

Where you are weak ...

he begs - you think it means something
he says something - you think it means something
you offer benefit of the doubt - against facts and evidence

It is your responsibility to raise the standard higher for returning to your home. He won't do this. It's up to you.

Quoting PrincessMeggy:

OK thanks...

In all honesty , this is just the usuall stuff a wayward pulls when they don't want to make a choice.

Your WH is no more mental than any other WH (and they are all mental in the sense they are so foggy they cannot think).

Are you going to Plan A or Plan B or Plan D?

Pick one and then ask for help with getting your act together.

I think you might Plan A for 1 week, then change the locks , hire an attorney to insure support , and plan B like your marriage depended on it. That means not discussing things with WH unless it is plans involving the kids. WH visits the kids outside your home --- you function as if you were already divorce (not as if you are friends).

Are you strong enough to do that?

The biggest thing is this - you make yourself a liar. Why should WH believe you???

It all makes perfect sense....I'm supposed to be in plan D..I made a mistake by letting him stay this one night...

I talked with him earlier....he wanted to go to eat tonight I told him no didn't think that was a good idea..so he said he was going back to stay at his dad's, which is where he was orginally when we first separated.

Exactly what you need to keep doing. RESPECT YOURSELF. He will never respect you until YOU do.

WS's get a thrill out of having two people fighting for them.

I have a suggestion ! (imagine that )

When WH asks you to do something with him, you now owe him NO EXPLANATION for your turning him down.

Say this:

No. I've made other plans.

If WH asks you what your plans are you say:

"I'm just busy."

If he presses further you say:

"My answer is no. Good-bye."

Remember - you are always busy with other plans and your answer is NO.

And never .... N E V E R .... explain what your plans are.

ALWAYS end the conversation first, before WH wants to.

"I'm busy, I've got to go. Good-bye."

You don't lie. You don't explain. And you close the conversation on that note, every time.

Think you can work that step first ????

I think that's a good start for you.

another thought ....

In the past, when you've tried to take control of your situation, I'll bet Melody Lane's money that your emotions go on autopilot and you feel like "the bad guy" when you attempt to stand up for yourself.

How about we change you inner dialog to say:

"I feel strong." instead of "I feel mean."

So, my other suggestion:

When you end the conversation early and on your terms ... you hang up the phone and do a happy dance and shout out to yourself

I FEEL STRONG

And when that doubting voice creeps in - you shout it out by re-claiming your strength

I FEEL STRONG

Thank you so much Pepperband for your advice/suggestions, and to the others as well.

I went out to check my mail in the mailbox this morning. What do I find in my driveway...HIM, with all of Sh*t in my driveway...all the doors open on his vehicle and I asked him what in the world he was doing in the driveway with all of his stuff?

His response was, he was getting ready to clean out his vehicle and vaccuum it out! We have like a shop vac that is out in our building, so he got it from here. I looked at him like he had lost his mind..and told him my driveway was NOT a carwash nor a place to vaccuum out his vehicle! He acted like nothing is wrong!!

I asked him why did he have so much stuff out in the driveway...he said that was alot of his stuff from his dads...I think I was right, I think the OW kicked him to the curb (for now) and he has no where to go! OH well, not my problem!

I told him to put his things back in his vehicle and to get out of my driveway, and that he could go vac out his vehicle some place else!! He did, of course pouted and acted like a baby!

It was hard, but I sent him on his merry way. I feel like crap too! What a bullsh*tter and charmer he is!

YOU LOOK ARE STRONG!