Why is my week 10 so bad when the previous 3-4 weeks were better?
On 11/29 I caught my husband of 41 years in an out-and-out lie about his being with a female associate. Supposedly, he cut all contact with the OW within a couple of days. He told me that they had just been good friends. A week later when things didn't add up, I managed to access his cell phone records. Imagine my shock to discover as many as 150 minutes of phone calls and 20-30 text messages per day. Again, he insisted that they were just very good friends, but he was so remorseful and guilt-ridden that I knew I still didn't have all the story. Within 24 hours we made our first of many trips to a marriage counselor. For another couple of days, he held on to his story. D-day for full disclosure was December 12. He said that they had been sexually involved for about a year. Later on he took the therapist's advice and became more transparent about the past; the A began almost three years ago. He continues to be wracked with guilt. I believe that he is committed to being the husband that I and everyone else thought he was. Everyone we know holds us up as the model for the perfect couple. No one except our therapist knows about the A. We both hope to keep it that way, as the knowledge of it would be devastating to our adult children and their families as well as to our extended families and our friends.

Despite his constant attention to me, his countless apologies, and his professions of love, I have been consumed again this week with the depth and longevity of the affair. He swears that they never discussed a life together and that he never spoke badly of me; but I find that so hard to believe. Three years is an awfully long time for those subjects to have never come up. Since he continued to hide things in the early weeks after the D-day--saying that he was trying to protect me from more pain--I now wonder if he is still hiding things I ask about. Is it wrong for me to still be asking these questions? Am I hindering the recovery? I was able to keep these emotions in check over the past few weeks, but again I am consumed with the hurt and the rage.

BS 63
WS 63
1st D-day 11/29/08
D-day PA 12/12/08
Married 41 years

Golden,
Welcome to MB; sorry you need to be here.

There are several long-term marriages represented here. I'm not really fit to post about "recovery" right now as I've just been through another D-day concerning an A that has as of now lasted 4.5 years.

I got a lot of the latest info through requesting a polygraph. Never thought I'd need that, but I did. It has been devastating but I am glad I asked for it. My H failed the poly even after new disclosures.

If you are concerned that you still don't have all the truth you need, ask for a polygraph. Insist. Don't be bullied out of it.

Some of the others will come along and post soon; there is a lot more traffic on the GQ2 board. You could always ask the moderators to move your thread over there.

I am so glad to hear from someone. I began to think that no one cared about someone of my age. As one of my granddaughter's friends said of me, I'm a lot older than I look and act. How do I request a switch to the other board?

Hi goldenyears,

Welcome to MB but sorry for your reasons for being here. I'm relatively new but I do know what it's like to post and see goose eggs for replies for hours. In fact, I nearly gave up but someone answered just before I deleted my entire first post 2 years ago. The help we received saved our 32 year marriage (we will celebrate 35 years soon), but it was NOT easy and continues to be challenging from day to day.

Like Chrysalis, I suggest you click on the "notify" button below and ask the moderators to move your post to the General Questions II forum of this Infidelity Section. It's a weekend and all the forums slow down, but this recovery forum is seldom read anyhow. More experienced posters will help you on GQII.

In addition to insisting on the polygraph like Chrysalis suggested, have you exposed to the other woman's husband? (OWH) That's what helped me, even if we didn't do it for 6 months after we had verifiable no contact (NC). Did you send an NC letter? Feel free to read my sad saga linked to my sig line for details of our multiple false recoveries.

Another suggestion is to check out the acronyms and hints at the top of the Just Found Out (JFO) forum. Read all the articles and watch the videos on this site. Do you have any Marriagebuilders books? Surviving an Affair is the best for you to start with. His Needs, Her Needs, Lovebusters, Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Dr. Harley and Torn Asunder by Dave Carder are the books we read together.

Again, welcome GY.

Wishing you the best,

Ace

Week 10 is also bad BECAUSE it is week 10. Weeks 11-14 might be good and then weeks 15-19 might be the worst ever.

It's the recovery rolllercoaster and it is NOT a fun ride when it's going downhill. Hold on, keep posting, keep reading, keep following the MB principles. The ride becomes smoother and on the bad days, you find a little more to hold on to. But the path TO recovery is not straight and smooth. How I WISH I could tell you that it is.

After D-Day, when I found MB and read that recovery takes 2 to 4 years, I was very disheartened. I KNEW that I could not bear to feel so bad for that long. Well, the Harley's are right. It does take that long.

But, I do not feel the same way I felt 21 months ago. We are hardly recovered, but the acute pain is much less.

Remember that infidelity is as painful as rape or the loss of a child. This may be the single most painful experience you ever have.

The veterans and long-time posters here are WONDERFUL. Talk to them and follow their advice.

I am so sorry you are here, but this is the BEST place for you and your marriage to be.

Blessings,

Hi Goldenyears,

I think the advice about reading the books, Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and Lovebusters is a great place to start.

I am not that much younger than you (turning 57 in a couple of months) have been married for more than 26 years and am the BW in an affair that lasted somewhere around a year (hard to pinpoint when the EA really started. The PA portion of the A was about 7 months when I discovered it).

Everyone describes this journey as a roller coaster and at 10 weeks for me it still was really bad. Lots of folks with more experience here than me talk about recovery with good hard work between the M partners taking about 2 years. For me now at the 10 months point, I know that the low points don't seem to be AS low or last AS long. But they have not gone away altogether.

I understand your not wanting to tell your family about the A. But if the OW is married, I believe it VERY important to tell her H. He has a right to know what is happening in his life.

Also, is your WH willing to write a NC letter? There are plenty of threads on here about NC letters, what they should say, how they should be sent etc. They are also covered in the Surviving an Affair book. In my case, my FWH took more than 3 months to write one. And in the meantime, they were in contact every few days. You can read more about it in my posts if you like.

In any case, I am sorry you find yourself here in this situation. But I think there is alot of good advice on this forum. And I am always rooting for recovery especially for the really long term marriages with many good years in them.

AM

goldenyears, I am sorry you are here. Can you answer some important questions for me:

1. has he ended ALL CONTACT with the OW? I do mean ALL, whether it be business or church or even seeing each other at the grocery store

2. is she married and if so, has her H been notified of the affair [very important!]

3. have you been tested for STDs?

If contact has truly ended then the next step to recovering your marriage will be following a VERY SPECIFIC PLAN of recovery. That means fixing the problems in your marriage that made your H vulnerable to an affair and most especially, changing the conditions that made the affair possible. If your H had not been able to lead a secret second life, it would have been very hard to have an affair.

There are 3 ways to recover your marriage and I will rank them by effectiveness:

1. Marriage Builders weekend - this is the fastest horse by far. It is a weekend crash course conducted by Dr Harley where he introduces you to MB concepts and gets you started. He and his staff then stay in weekly contact with you for as long as it takes to guide you through the rest of the lessons. You would have daily contact with Dr. Harley on the weekend forum.

IMO, this is, bar none the most effective way to recover a marriage. Even Retrouville counselors go to this to recover THEIR OWN marriages.

2. counseling with a trained marriage coach like Steve Harley or Dr. Jennifer Chalmers of MB

3. MB Home Study course

4. try to do this online with the books, Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs and use the forum as a guide.

I will tell you that I did #4 for several years and still did not GET it fully. I went to the MB weekend 6 years later and the one thing that we were missing was instantly perceived by Dr Harley and made a dramatic difference in our marriage.

On the other hand, I know people who have used the Home Study kit and this forum who did GET IT, so your mileage may vary.

I am sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

An excerpt from Dr. Harley's newsletter

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details." here

To those of you who responded, thank you so much. I needed some validation that I'm not just wallowing in self-pity. I have read Getting the Love You Want, Torn Asunder, Surviving Infidelity, After the Affair, and Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti. They were all very helpful at the time, but sometimes I feel like I need to pull an answer out of thin air--I guess MB is my thin air for right now. Thanks again.

I am convinced that my WH has not contacted the OW since the message he left on her voice mail. Does the NC letter serve any other purpose than letting the OW know that it is over? In a state of rage on the night I found out about the PA, I called the OPS and told him what I knew at that point. I also told him that she was refusing to return some of WH's possessions until he came personally to get them. The possessions were taken to a common acquaintance's house that night and returned to WH the next day.

Thank you for your very infomative response. In answer to your three questions...
1. Yes, I am positive (well, 99%) that there has been no
since he left her a voice mail breaking it off. This
contact was made prior to my finding out about the PA.
2. In a rage the night I found out about the PA, I called
OW's home and told her husband what I knew. I don't know
what spin she put on it.
3. I insisted that my WH immediately have tests for STDs and
HIV. The tests came back negative. He will be retested
six months after the first test.

Last weekend we attended a Family Builders' marriage conference. It was wonderful. We came back renewed with a committment to God and each other. Then I fell into this pit for almost the entire week--not good for my faith or my relationship with my recovery.

goldenyears, they dont work together, do they? Do they work at the same company?

I would STRONGLY suggest a MB weekend because they will give you a PLAN of recovery for your marriage. I don't know of any program that is even in the same league. Without a specific PLAN of recovery, your marriage will hobble along in this crippled state, which will likely lead to a resumption of the affair or another affair. Just ending the affair is not enough. A complete change that teaches you to fall in love again is the solution.

Good instincts! Does he know how to reach you if he has any follow up questions?


good!

My husband owns his own company. She worked part-time for him but I have found out that she was actually there a large portion of everyday. She has not worked there since my first discovery on November 29, 2008.

He has promised me that he will tell me if he even sees her vehicle on the road. He has done that, calling me once to say that he had seen her vehicle from a distance.

I am going to look into the MB weekend. If I tell him I'd like to go, he will jump at the chance to do anything to help me. He is acting more like the person whom everyone said adored me during the first 38 years of our marriage. I think that is what is so inconceivable to me--that I could go from being adored to being betrayed.

In an earlier post, you said that I needed to investigate what had created the climate or situation in which he could have maintained a secret affair for three years. Unfortunately, I know. We have discussed the fact that my career move six years ago had me working on the job ten hours a day and working way into the night and on weekends at home. There was little time to properly maintain our relationship. After thirty-five years of a successful marriage, I guess I thought that we could sail right through to the end. Boy, was I wrong! I am now retired and my golden years have turned out to be less than golden.

goldenyears, that is great news. It is reassuring that you figured out what one of the contributing factors was and took steps to change that. Here is a video with some info about the MB weekend: here

Golden years, glad you found this board. There is great support here.
Your good news is that your H wants to work on your M. Maybe if you discovered this A 1 or 2 years into it, H might have wanted out. The A had time to lose its thrill. I know how betrayed you feel, my H left our M after 2 months into his A. He went crazy.

You have much to recover but in your case it seems very recoverable. Glad you called the OWH. Definitely needed exposure on that level.

Take one day at a time.

My H left 10/1 and this past week was the worst since it started. No rhyme or reason just feeling a void. take care

Goldenyears,

I just found your thread and it grabbed me hard. As you can see from my sig line, our stories and our ages are similar. I was as horrified as you to find myself demoted from "adored" to "betrayed" so many years into what I thought was a good marriage. What is WRONG with these guys????

I think we both know. They were looking in the mirror and feeling "old;" their work life was no longer rewarding; their wives were busy with exciting careers (I got caught up in 10-12 hour days at a job I loved too), their lives lacked "excitment." They were feeling unloved because we'd inadvertently taken them for granted (as they had US). Suddenly, along comes some enterprising woman who flatters their flagging egos and makes them feel young and desirable again. They're not washed up after all!!!

Nasty combo. Very cliche. I HATED being a cliche.

But we both had something huge working for us. A VERY long-term marriage. Grown children, (grandchildren?), an extended family that's been there all your adult life. HISTORY.

AND, your husband got remorseful soon after D-Day. Lucky you. I had to wait for that. But here we are, more than 2 1/2 years after D-day and we're more in love than we've ever been. I credit two very motivated people (us!) and the MB program (counseling with Steve Harley, the MB weekend, the home study course, and living the MB principles).

I do believe your H when he says he had no intention of making a life with the skank who was willing to **** a married man. She was merely meeting some important needs that YOU can meet better. My H had no intention of staying with his OW either, called her "irrelevant" shortly after D-day. What we needed to do was more than end the affair, though. We had to fall in love again.

I wish you godspeed in rebuilding your love, and highly recommend the MB way to do it. I feel a kinship with you, given the similarities of our situations. I will continue to follow your story, and pray for your recovery. You WILL get over this, but it will take a long time.

Stay here. There are lots of good people who've traveled this road successfully before you. If you've not shared your woes with anyone in your life, you'll need some company on your roller coaster ride. It'll last a couple of years.

Hugs to you.

Right Here Waiting

Wow! You are so right about our stories being so similar. All you've added--the getting old, the young skank--are things that I know to be true. It doesn't help much though to know the reasons when the triggers--so many of them--drag me back down.

I am so glad to hear that yours is a success story. I can see the two of us where you are.

I just hate that I keep hurting him with my questions and with my moodiness and with my tears. He really is devastated at what he had become and what he's done to us.

We are in it for the long haul. You are right about the falling in love again. There are some euphoric times and just as quickly there are some bottomless pits that I drag him into with me.

Keep watching for me on this forum. I've now come to realize that this will be the hardest journey of my life.

Thank you for being there.

By the way, my husband just walked into the room; and I read him your post to me. As we both cried, he apologized for the millionth time and then said he had wanted me to quit going on this forum until he read your post to me. We both thank you! I needed someone who has been there to help convince me that he was honest about not wanting a life with her! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you for confirming my husband's promises to me. I'm so sorry that your H could not come through for you. My prayers are with you. I hope you find some peace.