I will try to make this as short as possible. My FWW cheated 3 years ago (brief Fling) and we have been recovering in a decent way. Shes been open, transparent and honest. One of her friends who has recently seperated from her husband stopped by from out of town and the two of them spent the night drinking, talking and catching up. The topic of sex came up as my wifes friend was telling of her fling and what a great penis size her lover was, when my wife casually mentioned her ex-lover was large and "filled her up". I, of course, was not meant to overhear this conversation and it really bothers me that she could so casually refer to the affair in a fond way, especially since shes made me believe she has grown to hate him for his role. 3 years the pain never seems to end, or maybe i just invested in the wrong partner. It just seems to be disrespectful to me to speak of another man.

Does your WW know that you now know about the size of the OM?

Why was WW sharing that she had an affair? Did this friend know about your WW's affair? Did she support or help hide WW's affair?

Hey thanks for responding. My emotions are crazy now.

1: "Does your WW know that you now know about the size of the OM?" yes shortly after DDay, it was covered in the thousand questions I asked.

2:Why was WW sharing that she had an affair? Did this friend know about your WW's affair? Did she support or help hide WW's affair?" yes my wifes friend has had an affair(s) and they are familiar with eath others histories, so theyve talked about it before. I also overheard her say how great of a kisser he was, to her friend on the phone about a year after DDay and into recovery.

What I meant was does your WW know that you just heard her recently talking with the friend?

Did this friend know about your WW's affair at the time the affair as going on?

"Did she support or help hide WW's affair?"

You did not clearly answer these two points in the above sentence.

Did you ask your WW why was she taking about the OM three years after the affair?

Have you asked why was she now hoping to accomplish by talking three years later about what a good lover the OM was?

Ask her how does the romantizing the OM three years later going to help her and you.

This friend of hers does not appear to be a friend of the family.

i dont think she knew at the time it was going on. I have not confonted her because I might have have been eavesdropping and was not supposed to be privey to the conversation. The reason she was talking about such things was because her friend was discussing her lovers size and ability.Her friend even asked "how big is your husbands penis?" and she first responded by saying I not going to answer that then she said it was average. Seems disrespectful to me.

No not disrespectful jeff, cuts to the quick. I am so sorry as any other man would be. I don't know what to say. My WW's lover was a man 10 years younger than we and when I asked her about his size all she would say is, "don't go there!"

Her text messages to him though made me wonder since one read, "I am sore clear up to my stomach! Strong effort Charlie."

I don't know aht to say except to say i know how you feel, except you are in recovery which makes things better....or worse.

Zack

That must have been very painful and I'm sure you felt that one deep down. The problem is that you did hear it and to not talk about it would be a mistake. See if you try to stuff this this huge LB will eat at you on so many levels. And your trust in her will go further down the drain. And it should.

She is not protecting you. It should be her first priority and the fact that she isn't should be a red flag. She should act and talk AS IF you are standing right beside her. That is how she should be behaving to protect you. So you know she is not. Not good.

If you don't tell her that you heard her it's covering up a dishonesty on your part. M should be open and honest. Fess up to her that you were eavesdropping. You need to be honest so when things turn bad, and they will if you hide this knowledge, she will understand why you have withdrawn, why you are upset. She can't change this behavior unless you discuss it. And it NEEDS to be discussed. You need to explain how painful this was to hear.

A friend who has wayward tendencies and has no real respect for M is not a friend to your M. I would have a serious problem with my S hanging out with this type of person. You should too.

I don't know how much you have read here, but I urge you to read all the principles that are here. There are so many tools that you can use to help your M, learn them. Both of you.

I hope you will think about this.

Michele has it perfectly.

Read about the POJA method of communication in the site articles (Q&A questions in the red band at the top of the page).

You definitely need to get up in her grill. First you over heard it because when people get drunk they get loud. Drink does not make you do anything or say anything it lowers your inhibitions so that you do and say what you really feel. Next If I can ask a question. Did You guys have kids together? If you did her vagina is never going to be as tight as before children. Regarding this I would say:

I am sorry that I am no longer large enough in comparison to the man you cheated on me with. But you can't pass a honey dew melon down the birth canal and it not change things. However, I didn't change, you did. Yet I managed to stay faithful. I will not regret having children with you which made me less to you. But I do regret you doing and now saying what you did. The truth, when I asked you about his size, would have at least prepared me in ways that I might have tried to compensate for the difference. But now in saying this you have only shown that you are still OK lying to me about your affair. I thought that you hated him, now I realize that could well be an act too. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I wanted to tell you this so we could work on this together. Not exposing this area, that you are unfulfilled in, does not spare me. It only underlines the fact that if you do not communicate your needs, I don't even get a chance to try and make you happy. If size is an issue. There are things we can do (toys, fisting) which may help us. I may never be able to eclipse this man in your mind, but I at least deserve the opportunity to try.

I am only average in size to. What differs in my situation is that both my children came by cesarian section, so there was no change in my wifes size. If only more women who have gone or are going through this would be open with their partners. I think there would be quite a few less affairs going on. JHMO

Z,

I agree with michelle. This is not something you can just forget about. size issues put aside for the moment, more importantly you need to discuss this with her calmly and tell her how it makes you feel when she discusses her AP in a positive light with a "friend" who makes the same mistakes she did.

It hurts you when she remembers fondly any aspect of the OM, and it disappoints you and is not protecting you when she doesnt counsel her friend that she is making a terrible mistake.

Yes, you were snooping, so be ready to deal with that accusation. But the fact is she was remembering fondly something that hurt you terribly and you are hurt and confused by that.

It is not only disrespectful it was cruel. I would sit and talk with her about it. You said she was open and honest then you should be open and honest with her about your feelings.

You need to talk about this wih your WW.

You are right, it did hurt deep down. I immediately felt a surge of anxiety and my heart was racing in a way I havent felt in a long time.

I agree that she is a bad influence on my wife and I dont approve of their friendship, especially after discovering that my wifes friend has had multiple affairs with men and women.

Thanks for your response I really appreciate the positive encouragment. I just needed to get this out to some people that could understand. Its not like I can discuss this with family and friends.

Yes they were drinking but I was able to hear because I had a recorder in the room. I left for work and knew the two of them would get together and drink and gossip and I had a gut feeling to listen. Its not something I do often or even in awhile but this friends visit warrants it.

To answer your question, she has never had a child. I guess its something that men can relate to more, but it hurt that she placed herself in the situation where she could have positive fond memories of another lover. In my situation I saved myself for love and have only been with her. I always believed sex was something that was special between two people that love each other, and that casual sex with no emotions is basically reducing a beautiful act to its crudest terms. The only comfort I have is that she has told me (and I truely believe her) that out of all her sexual partners, I am the only one shes been able to have an ORG with during intercourse.

You are so right about everything including seeing any part of it in a positive light. Not too long ago, during a conversation, she expressed disgust at this guy for "Taking advantage of her when she was vulnerable". Here was a guy that was telling her how to lie to me and what to say (during the fling)and even after 6-12 months in recovery she was saying things like she missed his friendship.

As to the snooping deal, I dont think I can come foward with that yet. Its like my Ace up my sleeve and once Ive played it, Ill never have the advantage again.

I'm sorry you had to hear those comments. I agree with the other posts - your W was disrespectful by allowing her WF to influence such a conversation. Look at this way - when an overeater wants to become healthy - they change their environment - cleaning out the kitchen and filling it with healthy stuff - don't hang around people who overeat. As long as your WW keeps the environment (influence from such a friend) she will be tempted to disrespect your marriage. You need to sit her down and have a discussion with her. If she wants to keep this WF then she needs to set boundaries of what is not allowed with their conversations.

GG

This whole scenario is similar to what happened about a year into recovery when I overheard her talking on the phone with this same friend, and she said "how much of a great kisser he was".
Makes me sick...

I understand. My H made a hurtful comment after DD comparing me to OW. Do you and WW communicate well? How will she take that you heard the conversation?

GG

Hi Zack,

Focusing on your percieved inadequacies that you can not change will only lead to self-destruction. Most men have an average size penis, hence the term average size penis. It takes MUCH MUCH more to keep a woman satisfied than a penis size and most women are fulfilled more by the non-physical side of love-making--the emotional connection, which is probably why you are the only man who has ever given her an orgasm during intercourse. By the way, studies show that most women don't have an orgasm from sexual intercourse, so that's a great accomplishment.

While I understand your hurt (i've been there before), don't let it get to you. It won't do you any good to have self pity. It's all a mind game. Focus on your assets and you'll get through this.

"The only comfort I have is that she has told me (and I truely believe her) that out of all her sexual partners, I am the only one shes been able to have an ORG with during intercourse."

Would you like to buy a bridge in Brooklyn?