Oh, you're just jealous.

W/ regards to size...

I just wanted to add that many/most women can satisfy themselves w/ one finger.

And a woman's finger isn't very big.

What matters most to a woman is the way a man demonstrates his love for her.

Ive also found out through my "eavesdropping" that she has told her friend several things that I told her in confidence and asked her not to tell anybody.. I;m really starting to wonder if I can trust her?

Doesn't sound like you can trust her. How long have the two of you been married?

Soon to be three years. Shes been honest and transparent about everything, I just dont get why she would breach our trust by confiding into a friend, who isnt really a great friend to start with. Of course alcohol is a factor and always was...

So, apart from ending her affair, what has she actually DONE to repair your marriage?

Because I'll be honest she does not sound liek a FWW to me. And to me it sounds like you have settled for crumbs from her in "recovery"

This is not recovery.

Obviously not. Please don't, for your sake.

Zack, this is not a woman you can trust. In addition to her affair, she has broken your confidences repeatedly and her choice of freinds and topics of converstaion s[eak volumes about her. You may have an image of your wife that is nothing like who she really is. If you have no kids, I'd consider bailing.

Michele is right on...of COURSE you should be "privey" to any conversation you W has with ANYONE.

She wasn't protecting you and that is what is hurtful. I would be deeply hurt if my H was talking like this and not protecting me. That is his job now, and he finally fully understand this. Your W need to as well.

You need to POJA this friendship that your W has...it is really unhealthy for your M. This friend sounds like she does not respect M, and if I were you, I would be highly uncomfortable with this sort of "friendship".

Do you know and understand all of the concepts here? Read up on Radical Honesty and POJA along with the Rule of Protection. Starting there would be a good idea, and ask your W to learn about these things as well.

I think Big K is on to something here...you may have been in some sort of recovery, but you are missing big pieces of the puzzle. This shouldn't have been happening 3 years into recovery.

Please read the basic concepts here and begin using them...ask your W to do this with you.

Thanks Married for extra confirmation.

Access to this friend as a possible enabler looks extremely strong. Also looks like alcohol is another problem area.

I agree with BigK too. Go back to tools here before your frustration grows and causes you to disconnect from your WW. I'm not sure you should tell her about listening to her private conversations yet but you can express how you don't think she's been committed to full recovery and that you would like to return to site to help you both. Disclosing you were eavesdropping has to be at the right time and I feel like now is not the right time - when there's work to be done on your R. Just something to think about. Someone else may provde another point of view on this.

GG

Thanks for your reply. Yes I have felt myself disconnecting for some time. I'm just not sure how to reveal my recordings, because as time goes on, she will drink and talk more and I can learn more. I wish there was a way to call her on it without giving up my source. Cant help but feel as if I will always want to look over my back just so I don;t get blindsided again, but I shouldnt have to live my life that way with my partner. Thanks everyone for the words of advice and encouragment.

ZDude,

Could not help noticing ""My FWW cheated 3 years ago (brief Fling) and we have been recovering in a decent way.""

And then later you said that you had been married almost 3 years :MrEEk: Or did I read that right?

also ""I agree that she is a bad influence on my wife and I dont approve of their friendship, especially after discovering that my wifes friend has had multiple affairs with men and women.""

And this chick is getting drunk with your (F?)WW and talking about sex, comparing notes, getting all steamed up.., etc. etc?? Then does she spend the night?

You may want to snoop a little right under your nose....like they say, sometimes the best way to hide something is to put it in plain sight.

I could be all wet here, but be vigilant.

IMHO

kirk

Zack,

You wrote

I agree that she is a bad influence on my wife and I dont approve of their friendship, especially after discovering that my wifes friend has had multiple affairs with men and women.

I'm not sure you W is not having an affair with her woman friend who is toxic.

God Bless
NJ

yea you read correctly 3 years, it was a "last fling" before marriage, but I didnt want to get into a forum battle over whether it is as relevant because we havent had our vows yet. For me loyalty is one of my top needs and that would have a played a huge role in my decision to marry if I had known, instead of finding out 3 months into our marriage. I was deveasted and to this day after DDay I have been unable to watch our marriage video. Basically I felt tricked and decieved into the marriage, then I was forced to decide what to do since I was already married. There were many factors which made this espcially difficult on me emotionally.

i appreciate your advice to be vigilant, believe way ahead of you here. Thats why I recorded their conversations. My wife had no idea she had lesbian lovers and was shocked and told me about it later, so along with the recordings, I know nothing was up there. I do think her friend is attracted to me and would do something if encouraged and I told my wife so, just to help her realize shes no real friend.

Just so you know, most of the hours of gossip was meaningless and boring, with only a few brief comments that troubled me. My wife is not a bad person but this latest has me stressed and I know I'm going to have to deal with her alcohol issue soon.

OK, I really like my notebook, all my friends live in it... but I just want to throw a brick at my screen. You are settling for the crumbs the roaches left behind IMHO.

I can appreciate the "vigilant" part, but uh.. you may not consider your wife a "bad person" but she certainly isnt a "good person".

This friend might be boozing your wife up to start some kind of physical relationship, you ever thought of that??

She's not a nice person, and neither is her friend.

Isn't there something you could do with her that would consume her time so that she can't spend it around this toxic woman?

Well I hate to break it to you but to some women it does matter. My XW and her girl friend were talking one time and I over heard them and I did talk to her about it. They were talking about the exact same thing and they were drinking and her girlfriend was married but had an affair and was talking about the size of her affair partner and how great it was.

Now what alarmed me was my wife whispering stuff I did not hear and them laughing. I had a talk with my wife and she became angry with me. Telling me I should not be listening to private conversations and she just said it was girl talk.

I went and told the girlfriends husband that she was cheating on him since he was a friend. They did divorce and I felt bad about that. Not bad for telling him but I felt bad for him. He loved his wife so much but he just could not understand why she did it. This guy treated her so well and loved her so much. She was a woman who had a child where the father was a different race. My buddy did not care he treated the boy like he was the father. My friend passed away from a heart attack a couple of years later. He told me a couple of months before his death that she liked the sex with the OM and since the OM was well endowded he just felt he could not compete.

Now my XW at the time was also having an affair that I had not detected yet. When I started thinking about her talk I put a recorder on our phone and a keylogger to get emails. Wow I was not prepared for what i heard and seen. I had always been told that size does not matter but I found out that was not true.

It may not matter to some women but it does to others. The problem is finding out if it matters to your wife or not. I found out thru the banter in her emails and phone calls that both my wife and OM talked about sex a great deal. Also about how "Big" he was. She did not really say much about me but gosh that was tough on my ego. I was not small but it was clear in her phone and emails it was important to her.

I think it is foolish for us to think that our wives could not have better sex with another man. I loved my wife but she did not seem to love me. I then put a camera like a nanny cam in my bedroom and caught her and the OM in my bed and I gotta say that ended my marriage. It was clear to me she liked being with him more than me.

When I filed for divorce and had her served she did not know all of my evidence. When it came out my XW said that size did not matter at all. She said she loved me and the sex was better with me. Now we were not having sex very often because my wife was always angry and well she was having sex with the OM. I saw her on the video and I can tell you it sure appeared that she was enjoying the sex more with him. It hurt but what is a person going to do? My wife was willing to give up our marriage to be with that guy.

I don't think it is easy for people to admit that to some women this does matter to them. I have no idea what percentage of women it would be but I know 2 of us it happened to. My buddy died of a broken heart since he was around 35 when he had a heart attack.

My advice to you is talk to her about it. I guess I would ask you how is your sex life and does your wife seem happy with it? I would not let it ruin your life on one hand but on the other hand I would not want a woman to be stuck with me if she does not find me desireable or attractive. In the end my XW then said it was best with me but I think it may have been my big thick....Wallet

Now that is one thing that the OM did not have and I know that was also important to my EX. I would talk to your wife and try and get it behind you.

Wow thats a hell of a story and I dont know what to say or where to start. I dont think its a big deal to my wife as much as her friend obviously, because her friend bad mouthed her husband. What my wife said was that he was "fat" and it hurt at first and then once it got going it filled her up". Tough thing for any husband to ever hear. We dont have sex that much lately and its been awhile, like a month or 1.5 months. So this last time when we were starting yesterday she commented on how it has been a while and it hurt a little when I was first going in, and I was THINKING to myself, just like when you f**ked [censored], having just heard her comment a day before. It was actually very difficult to be close with her.

Zach,

"" but I didnt want to get into a forum battle over whether it is as relevant because we havent had our vows yet.""

No argument here, my friend. I take it you were engaged at the time. So loyalty is loyalty. That she DID IT right before the wedding is very low rent.

And if she had an excuse like, "but we had not said our vows yet" is even lower.

So sorry your M started out the way it did.

It's like you are climbing out of an 8 foot hole to get on the even playing field.

Any kids yet??

kirk