We're all under one roof now, although not as I planned.

My husband visited for Thanksgiving and on Thanksgiving Day my mother threw a temper tantrum and started screaming at my husband. Not about anything in particular, mind you, just about the grudge she's been holding against him for over 10 years. My husband stayed calm until she started screaming at and gaslighting me, at which point my husband called her on it and yes he raised his voice but only to get over the din of her screaming. So we left to give her time to calm down. We went sight-seeing with the kids, then went to Cracker Barrell for our Thanksgiving dinner, then drove around to see the Christmas lights.

We finally went back thinking she must have calmed down by then. But no, my dad demanded an apology from both of us or else we had to leave because Bill yelled at my mom. Never mind the fact that they were rude to him the whole time he was there and kept us up at night screaming at each other. I thought after the horrible way they treated him before we got married that they would want to make a good impression this time but they were just awful.

Anyway, if they had just demanded an apology from me, I would have faked one long enough to get through the next month. After all, I've been doing that all my life just to avoid being yelled at. But after the horrible way they've treated him over these past 10 years and mom faking a 24-hour illness so that she didn't even come to my wedding it was just too much. Plus, I could tell it was an orchestrated manipulation to get me to choose my parents over my husband. The whole time I was there my husband says something innocuous that my mom deliberately misinterprets, then she goes running to me complaining and yelling about it instead of working things out like an adult. I understood it as a ploy to drive a wedge between my husband and me so I told her I didn't want to hear it, that she treated him badly at the start of our relationship so she needs to try harder to get along. She didn't listen, of course.

If you all think I'm being disrespectful to my parents you have to understand that my dad beat us and my mom used to scream and throw dishes at random intervals. I spent much of my childhood hiding under my bed because I was afraid of my parents. My sister ran away from home as a teenager to go live with her grandparents. Social services said our family was dysfunctional and that my mom had a habit of putting my sister in a "double-bind" which I think is like a catch-22 - sort of like what she was doing to me Thanksgiving morning when Bill called her on it.

I appreciate that they were able to help me when I got very sick, but I didn't appreciate the contant criticism and attempts to undermine me as a parent to my children. They kept saying since mom raised five kids I should take her advice (read: "or else"). But one of her kids was raised by a grandparent and two of them never left home AND have no plans to leave home. One of my sisters is a high school drop out and welfare queen who doesn't work and has been supposedly studying for her GED for 20 years. Now don't get me wrong...I'm not opposed to welfare if someone is sick, very pregnant, caring for an infant, disabled or is working and still having trouble making ends meet. But she is able bodied. She could clean houses or something but that's too good for her. It galls me that she is teaching her daughter by example that ignorance and laziness pay off in life yet I should take her parenting advice. (Oh yeah, and she parrots everything my mother says. She literally has no opinions of her own, so when I get yelled at, I get yelled at in stereo.) So anyway, I don't see why I should take mom's parenting advice just because she didn't know how to use birth control. Because obviously five kids was more than she could handle.

Oh and when they were leaving they accused my husband of having an abrasive personality, being a controlling wife beater and child abuser and threatened to call social services and said I was deluded and should divorce my husband.

My husband has never laid a hand on me. When the kids were younger they got spanked a handful of times and I don't approve of that so I talked my husband into finding a better way, which we did. He's very calm and serene and never criticizing me or yells at me. Well, maybe a handful of times we've yelled during fights. But usually we're respectful and never call each other names or let the argument get volatile. His ability to stay calm and mellow is one of things that attracted me to him.

My parents, on the other hand, who are constantly criticizing my husband and my marriage, fight loudly about 3 times a week. And of course everytime they fought during the day my mom would tell me what a selfish b**&%$d my father is, or else my dad would tell me what a bi*&^ my mom is. So respect and discretion are not even in their vocabularies. They don't even sleep in the same bed anymore, but they think they're qualified to tell me whom I should marry.

I thought they had mellowed out somewhat because my dad had anger management counseling and stoped hitting. But they are both just as hypercritical and controlling as when I was a kid. I will NEVER EVER ask anything from them again because their help always comes with a steep price.

Anyway, to get to the point, we packed up all our clothes in the car and left. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to rent a truck to take our other things, so I'm going to have to go back during the winter break with a truck (by myself) to pick it all up.

Unfortunately, the toys I bought for my son's birthday this Sunday were up in my parents bedroom (my mom likes to wrap gifts) so we didn't take them, and my dad says there's no way to ship them in time. But that's only true if they send parcel post instead of flat-rate priority. I told my dad via email and text to use the rolls of quarters and dimes I left there to pay for the shipping but I don't know if he'll cooperate. As it is, they are refusing to return my daughter's library books to her school.

The good news is that the kids and I are reunited in our new place with my husband and we're under our own roof with our own rules. I get my privacy, sanity, independence and self-respect back again. I feel so sad for the brother and sister still living at home because they don't understand how different the world looks when you have the experience of living elsewhere. I don't think it's really possible to think for yourself when you're totally dependent on your parents. I suspect this might even be true for normal families but I don't know much about normal families.

My husband and I are getting along wonderfully and only need improvement in one area - sex - and right now that's mostly my fault. I just can't get into it very well after a year of being without and with all the recent stress, too. Don't get me wrong...it's pleasant - just not very exciting because I can't orgasm. I think we just need to make time to have an extra-long session with lots of warm-up time when we're both not too tired. We've changed time zones, however, so our sleep schedules are out of whack right now. So I think this is just a temporary problem.

BTW, on the car ride on the way home, I told my husband he was being a good husband by sticking up for me and that he really couldn't have handled the situation any better than he did. I also said that his in-laws are really obnoxious. He got a laugh out of that.

you did well.

ditch your parents for good.

they should never darken your lives again.

Are you taking anti-d's...could be the reason for the anorgasms, it's a side-effect.

medc, thanks!

StillHereMakingIt,

No, no anti-depressants just anti-biotics for the last remnants of Lyme disease. I did recently stop taking a muscle relaxer. Is it possible that suddenly stopping one can have that effect? I was getting horrible tension headaches where my scalp muscles just tighted up terribly but they suddenly stopped after leaving my parents' house. I couldn't believe it - it was like magic.

ITA.

What a bunch of emotional vampires.

I am glad you found "contentment."

There's nothing like it in the whole, wide world - it is so precious and good.

Wow!

Aph,

""My husband visited for Thanksgiving and on Thanksgiving Day my mother threw a temper tantrum and started screaming at my husband.""

Isn't Thanksgiving a wonderful holiday?

I have heard about more dysfunction happening on Thanksgiving than any other holiday for some reason. I think alcohol has a lot to do with it, plus most people having Friday off too, and then the weekend.

Good for you guys for leaving the "emotional vampires" in their dust.

kirk

PS - you made the right choice !

thanks, everyone!

Krusht,

Yeah my other sister - the one who left home at 15 - said Thanksgiving is my mother's holiday for being a drama queen. I guess a holiday that emphasized family togetherness is bound for failure when the family in question is dysfunctional.

But alcohol is not a factor in my family. We have enough natural insanity without it being drug induced.

Hey Aph - good to see you!

hey, bk..you too!

Okay, sex life seems to have gotten better. Having some advance notice makes a big difference.

Aph,

I haven't been around as much lately as I once was, but I am so happy to hear this latest update.

I take it you two are finally together under one roof...

I was sorry to see the drama that took place over Thanksgiving, but I am glad to see that you two stuck together.

And I know you don't place much stock in prayer, but I have been praying for you...

Marriage is really hard work. Don't stop working at it.

Mark

Aphaeresis,

Haven't heard from you for a while. How are things going?

Mark

Hi all,

I know it's been a while. We're doing well except for one thing - I did develop a crush on someone but I also told my husband about it today. AND my husband is the only one who knows (well, except you guys now).

Since I didn't do anything about it, our friend doesn't know and I have no idea how he'd react if he did know. "No contact" isn't practical but also not necessary since nothing happened and we're never alone anyway. I'm working on less frequent contact, though.

My husband said he wasn't mad, but he was disappointed and worried about this being a bad sign for our marriage - worried about how often it might happen and what if I don't tell him in time next time. But he's also glad I told him instead of doing something stupid, which is why he didn't want to get mad at me. But I honestly believe that things should get easier as I get older and "slow down" a bit. (I'm 38 now.) And I suggested that spending more time together (which we've already started doing anyway) should help make things easier.

I felt really anxious and guilty telling him, but now I feel very relieved because I was kinda getting scared that I might do/say something stupid.

I don't remember alot about your story, but I believe you are the FWW, right?

Something is still strangely wrong if this has happened. Your EPs are not in place for this to have happened AGAIN.

And even if it DID start happening, what took you so long to figure it out???? This didn't happen overnight, you ALLOWED it to continue...and cultivate...and grow.

I'm sorry, but I have no patience for this, and I don't think your H should either.

Did you learn NOTHING the first time around???

Aph:

The important part is that YOU DID know you where having a "crush". AND that you DID tell your husband about it.

That's a BIG Change.

I think it would be appropriate for your Husband to have a conversation with this guy, however.

You state "No Contact" is required, because, well, he didn't know. If I was your husband, I would have the conversation.

And whatever the "less Frequent" attempts at no contact are, I would ramp them up.

And why the "crush"? What did this guy have that caused you to "crush" for him?

LG

lousygolfer,

He feels strongly that he doesn't want to know who the guy is, especially since the guy doesn't know. I mean, for all we know I'm not even his type and this guy is totally innocent.

Why the crush? It's not that my husband is doing anything wrong. I mean, my friend is interested in a lot more things that my husband used to be more interested in doing but that's not my husband's fault - he's been sick so he can't be quite as active as he used to be until he gets better. His energy and enthusiasm for causes I care about is impressive, though, same with his imagination. They are both very intelligent men. I like his sense of humor, but then my husband also has a good sense of humor. He has an incredibly sexy foreign accent (definitely have to reduce, maybe eliminate phone time) but you know, it's not like you can ask your spouse to put on an accent for you. The only other reason I can think of is that I'm always going to have some unmet sexual needs because my husband's list of sexual likes is significantly shorter than my list.

MF,

Nothing "cultivated" except in my own head - there was no affair, EA or otherwise. My husband agrees with me that married people have crushes. I know that he has had crushes and admits this, but for him it's no big deal, "just a part of being a man" he says and he says he knows to "keep a certain distance" if it's someone he runs into all the time, like at work for example. I just haven't had enough practice dealing with it the right way as opposed to the wrong way.

Aph:

I didn't ask you WHY he wasn't your H. I asked why you were attracted to him, and you proceeded to list all his good qualities and contrasted them against your H.

Please, do not do that.

I understand about "crushs" Gosh, I have had many. Not since Dday. I can't allow myself. I purposefully AVOID certain people to make sure that I do not get tempted. I have to use the phone alot. And I will avoid that if I have to.

I asked WHY you were attracted to him so that maybe you would become aware if this "tug" earlier in the relationship with anyone new. If that little attraction meter started to move, you could disengage earlier.

And you refer to him as "your friend" How did you meet?

And why didn't Mr Aph know about this meeting?

LG

lousygolfer,



Oh, well it was a combination of things but I could have told my husband sooner. I almost did several weeks back but I'm embarrassed to say I chickened out.



He's a friend of my husband's (yes, I know how horrible that sounds). I had known of him and talked to him over an email list we're all on but hadn't met him until my husband and I went to a party he threw in late December. We're all involved in multiple organizations and travel in the same social circles. There are some events that my husband and I both go to with the kids, and some events in which one of us goes alone. They're all group events, though.