OK everyone - here it goes. I am 36 years old and have been married for 8 years and have two beautiful children - ages 5 and 4. About four months ago I found that my wife was having a emotional affair with a former boyfriend she found on a social website. He is married, has two children as well - and lives far enough away that they never met physically. It took a few months before she agreed to NC - but she eventually got there on New Year's Eve. We agreed to go to a MC which we went to right afterwards. That lasted a few times before the MC told us that unless my wife was really dedicated to making us work - he should see me individually and he referred her to someone another IC. We have both continued with our individual therapy while living together and both of us agreeing that we need to "try" to make our relationship work.
I love my wife so much. We were in a rut in our marriage - and as some people eloquently put it - she has done her best to "rewrite my marital history". I was blind to issues in our marriage - not meeting her ENs - as my IC tells me - in a "deep sleep". Because of several issues - such as my weight and how I was brought up - I was depressed - didn't help out much around the house or with the kids - and not the healthiest person I could be - mentally or physically. My wife didn't really take any steps to get me out of it, either. Until the EA. Now, everything is clear to her. She is emotionally detatched from me - she loves me - but is not "in love" with me - and doesn't see how it is possible that she would have to "work" towards loving anyone. She feels that love should just be there - that there doesn't have to be any work towards it. I am frustrated because I don't believe this is true. I want to stand up for our marriage and believe that we can pull through this.
I have been working hard at improving myself - mentally and physically. I have also really started to tune into how I can be a better husband - how to understand her EN and focus on what I need to do to be better. She has noticed the difference - but has also labeled me as "trying too hard". Oh well - can't win, I guess.
She has struggled to move on from thinking about her former boyfriend. Even though she hasn't seen him in 16 years - the "idea" of him is what she is having trouble shaking. I check her internet history - and have found that she has looked up his place of work - to get his phone number to call him last week - but instead called her IC for an emergency session (good move I thought). And last night - she looked up his profile on this website. I asked why - and she said she was trying to "block" him from seeing her. The real story is that a friend posted pictures of him - and I know it made her miss him. I get it - it hurts - but I get it - and my IC has prepared me that it is not going to go away for awhile. I told her she is acting like a teenager and is completely addicted to it. She is on it morning, noon and night - chatting with her friends. The whole thing is so juvenile. She actually agreed with that statement and said she knows it's affecting her and our ability to try to fix our marriage.
So last night - we got into it - after I found the website history - and I told her that if she didn't want to try anymore that I can't force her. She mentioned we should separate - and I asked her how she thought that would play out. She said she didn't have any answers. So, I started getting some things together to leave. She immediately said - don't go - we should be trying. Something clicked and her tune changed. Then, my temper got the best of me and I went off. I told her she is ruining our lives - she is acting like a teenager with this stupid website - with this fantasy of someone she can't have - and that building love together will take work. I said if she doesn't want to try she doesnt have to - but she fell into my arms crying. She said she still wants to try to feel the way she did before - even though she doesn't know or understand how that is possible. I feel frustrated - angry - and don't know the right thing to do. We ended the night ok - but this is the latest in a series of conversations like this.
What am I to do. I love her and don't want to leave my house. She is getting help to deal with her own issues - as am I. I am trying to be patient but there is only so much I can handle. Anyone out there that can help.
Last edited by whattodo1; 02/09/09 11:04 AM.
