I read in one of the books on infidelity, that the BS often says "Someone has to pay." I truly feel this way. I don't want it to be my WH, but I want the OW to mentally suffer for her part in this. I want her to know that we are back together and are planning to have an awesome final chapter in our lives. I notified OWH a couple of months ago, but I don't know what spin she put on what I told him. Am I too obsessed with wanting her to know that no matter how hard all this journey is that we do have some good times and we will make it? If she were just some nameless person, I don't think I would feel this way.

Would she even care that you are together? Since she had a husband too it's possible that she never had any intention of leaving him and therefore never had any wish for your husband to leave you. It's possible that she picked a married man because he was married and therefore would have more reason to keep quiet about the affair and less reason to pressure her to leave her husband. This isn't always the case but it does happen sometimes.

If the affair was still going on it, the usual MB strategy is to expose the affair and tell the woman's husband. But if he's already back and the affair is over then you risk looking like a crazy, vindictive person in your husband's eyes if you don't leave well enough alone. And that's fine if you want a divorce, but if you want things to work out you should focus on your husband. Of course, there's a good argument to be made that the other husband has a right to know, but your motivation doesn't seem to stem from wanting to help him.

I'm not sure that it's possible to have both revenge and a healthy marriage. It's your choice, though.

oh, whoops...I see you already notified the other woman's husband. Therefore, I don't see what you could possibly accomplish by further contact with her. You'd be shooting yourself in the foot.

This is totally normal...it does get better as time goes on, as your M gets better she will become what she should have always been ~ to both of you ~ nothing.

Be assured that most likely she IS paying for this...somehow. You may never see it or know about it, but that is most likely the case. At the very least, she is stuck knowing she only got your sloppy seconds and that YOU WON.

Your H chose YOU over her, and he continues to do that, every single day. She was used and then scraped off the bottom of his shoe, and she will have to live with that forever. Most women don't like being used and then thrown away...it hurts and haunts them forever.

Definitely normal feelings. After some time later, my FWH told me that he was worried I would do something to OW and I would be in trouble. I mostly confined myself to speeding the car when I drove past her one time, and two phone calls (during the period there was continued contact) delivered Colonel (me) to Sargeant (OW). I did get some satisfaction from the military though. The OW received non-judicial punishment, to include half a month's pay for two months, documentation of her adultery in the permanent record and a bad performance evaluation that will most likely put her out of the military in the next couple of years.

I saw on your other thread the info about the OW's age and status. There are a few threads on the forum about WS who "affair down" - lower educational, social, economic status etc. In our case, the OW was 15 years younger than me, but definitely less educated, less articulate, more "common" as my mother used to describe people. Recently, when I asked FWH what he liked about me better, one of the things he said was that I had integrity. This is something OW will never have.

BTW, my evil thought for Valentine's Day was to send to the OW's office a lovely "bouquet" of KY jellies and lotions since she always needed to use it for SF. I thought that would create a great impression on the co-workers. I didn't do it, but liked thinking about it. Instead, I just did my usual mantra of "I really hate her" four or five times. But I don't even do that everyday anymore.

AM

" Recently, when I asked FWH what he liked about me better, one of the things he said was that I had integrity. This is something OW will never have."


Okay, here I see the point of remaining who I have always been and letting go of the need to punish her further that my husband has already done by "wiping her off his shoe." I too need to maintain my integrity.

"Your H chose YOU over her, and he continues to do that, every single day. She was used and then scraped off the bottom of his shoe, and she will have to live with that forever. Most women don't like being used and then thrown away...it hurts and haunts them forever."

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My therapist said the same in other words. You defintely say it better. I will hang on to this thought as I maintain my integrity.

"Living well is the best revenge." Remember that one?

MF is right. She IS paying. Regardless of her motives, she is the one without him now.

I was haunted by OW too, for a long time. But one memory I will never forget is catching a glimpse of her a few weeks after my H ended it with her. She looked awful. Haggard. Like she hadn't slept.

Pretty much like I'D looked during the affair.

She noticed me sitting in my car, waiting for H to come out of the office (they worked together). Shot me a truly ugly look... and I just gave her a little Mona Lisa smile.

It was a very gratifying moment.

You may never get that, but my point is that she is likely suffering the "abandonment" you felt. And deep down, she has to know that she got what she deserved because she KNEW he was married to YOU all along.

The "other woman" boards are FULL of these women, whining and pining and "supporting" each other. Most of them allow that they made a mistake that cost them dearly and vow never to get messed up with another married man.

Trust me, she is NOT happy. You, however, are "golden."

Thanks.

Integrity is underrated, and I believe it's an important reason why MOST men do not leave their wives for the OW...they know she is trashy and that is not what they want in a wife.

This is absolutely true, and once in a while I will actually feel bad for OW...this must be an awful feeling, because there really is no hope in a relationsh*t with a MM, but that is refused to be seen.

Many of them live in a chronic "Fantasy Land", and are chronically let down...LIFE never delivers them their fantasy, they are always depressed, dreaming of the pot at the end of the rainbow, which we all know....doesn't exist.

Except in one's dreams.