I need post this because I am at a loss...

I have so much respect and admiration for those of you that have dealt with infidelity and lies, but does there come a time where you just say...."I am done"?

I am sorry, I do not mean to step on toes, but...here it is.....you struggle through the devastation of an affair. The WS does or doesn't feel remorse, yet they don't seem to acknowledge the core issues of what lead to the affair. The BS plods through...ever the long-suffering, enduring, understanding, "stronger" of the two in the relationship. And what???? Questions, endless second-guessing (both of your thoughts and the WS's intentions or deeds) and you are where you were....or worse to begin with.
When do you say...."ENOUGH!"? I am done. I cannot do this anymore??? Yet the things that you question may not have anymore hard-core evidence other than the gut feelings you had prior to the undeniable facts that were shoved in your face on the actual D-day?

Affairs, lying, unmet EN......

Does everyone here believe that no matter what, no matter what the WS does to completely wreck the relationship, the BS should shoulder the responsibility to rebuild the marriage? I know all situations are different, but I hear of so many people that are hurting due to the absolute negligence, if not abuse by a WS...they come to get help, and people tell them to stick with it?
I am so confused...I know that life and marriage are not easy. What doesn't break you makes you stronger, but WOW. What can you expect from someone who has had their heart torn out, chewed, and spit out? I'm sorry, but I wish I was that strong....the longer I go through all this the more I realize I am incapable and too weak to bear it.
I hesitate to post this because it shows my weakness in dealing with all of this, but I don't know where else to turn or who to talk to. I see a MC every other week and they try to help, but are at a loss as to what more I can do to piece this back together. I see the MC by myself most of the time. BS will come if prompted, but at this point, I don't care if he comes or not. I have very little, if any, fight left in me.
Again, I do not mean to be offensive or to question the commitment of anyone else...I applaud you and am happy for you. I personally feel at this point that I am losing myself in trying to facilitate someone else's recovery and am ready to be happy and healthy-with someone or without them. Are my expectations too high? Do I have an unrealistic view of marriage should be? I don't know.

We all have different breaking points.

YOU decide when YOU have had enough. It really is your call - you have to live with your decision and know you did all you could.

Many factors come into play - how long you have been married, if you have children, what your marriage was like before the affair, how long the affair has been going.

This is not a marriage at all costs site. No one will blame you for giving up.

I've given up. And I fought hard for a long time, long after most people told me to give up. I think it often takes as much courage to give up as it does to keep fighting. Personally I don't know if it's a decision as such. The breaking point comes and once it does there's not much you can do to change it. Plan B was, for me, a way of delaying the breaking point in the hope that WH would see the light within that time but he didn't and it's over.

If you were with an alcoholic (and this is very much an addiction) there is no particular merit in staying with them if they don't want to heal themselves. You can't let them destroy you too. And I have learned to trust my instincts. If your instincts tell you it's wrong and your WS is not honestly trying then they are more than probably right no matter the lack of hard evidence.

Good luck

Tully

Lost: Sorry you are feeling the lows you are at this point in time. Big's given you sound advice...only YOU can decide when it's time to give up and move on.

It helped me to step back from my situation and take a long, hard look at our relationship (20+ years), our marriage (17+), family, what we do together, our ENs, and most of all affair #1 14 years ago.

What the good folks here taught me was to give it a try and they gave me the tools to improve myself. I know that even if my marriage does not work out, I will be a better person because of the techniques and philosophies I learned here. I'm learning to be a better husband, friend and Dad.

If my wife walks, if I head to Plan D, if she's run over by a truck tomorrow, I know that I'm going to keep on breathing. I'm going to survive because I have improved me...and will continue to do so.

Keep posting your feelings and seeking replies from the good people here. They can help.

But the bottom line is that YOU need to do what is best for YOU! Take care.

I hear of so many people that are hurting due to the absolute negligence, if not abuse by a WS...they come to get help, and people tell them to stick with it?

You left out a little bit. I hear of so many people that are hurting due to the absolute negligence, if not abuse by a WS...they come to get help with saving their marriage, and people tell them to stick with it?

If you still want to save your marriage, we will encourage you and tell you to stick with it. If you are burned out, empty, and done, we will encourage you to move on and be a whole, healthy, single person.

Some of the advice given on these boards depends on how long you've been married, if there are children involved, the length and number of the affairs, the quality of the marriage before the affair, whether the wayward has other addictive, behavioral, or emotional problems, and how well the BS has implemented the MB principles thus far.

I don't know your story, but if you're saying "I'm burned out, I'm done" and you're getting advice to stick with it a while longer, then perhaps it's because people see great hope for your M even though you are presently despairing.

Regardless, it is your decision to make. You have one life to live, choose so that you can look back at your decisions with no regrets. Do you want to look back in ten years and say "I was a fool not to try harder, I threw away the greatest thing in my life when things got really rough" or will you more likely say "I was a fool to stay in the M and waste a decade of my life"?

Lostmymind,
I think in your case a plan B and then probably plan D would be in order. The plan B would allow you to see if your WS really wants to work things out. It takes 2 to recover. You can't do it alone.

The breaking point for every person is different. Six weeks post Dday, I thought I was done for good and there was no going back. Things were said in anger and I was at a point where I simply couldn't take it anymore; wouldn't take it anymore. If FWH couldn't/wouldn't step up like I needed, then forget it. I was destroying myself and FWH sure as heck wasn't worth that. Whatever you decide, try not to let wild emotions rule over you. That's the problem with the roller coaster. Only you know when you have had enough. Trust yourself.

My opinion on this matter is that this is an emotional roller coaster that goes way way way down and then up a little. Its very hard to continue on sometimes because you ask yourself why are you trying to hard, when the WS is the one who did wrong. I have to keep telling myself though, I was not the greatest H to her and did not meet her EN's before the A. That is what makes me stick through it in the bad times. I know there is no excuse for what she did, but my forgiveness is coming from looking back on how I treated her and even gave her the opportunity to have to find another man to fullfill her needs. That is my downfall as a husband, so I owe it to myself, her, and our marriage to work this out.

You have to find your own reasons to move on or get out.

I tried for 3 and a half years. And I think everyone needs to do their very best so they can look back with no regrets.

That said, once you lose respect for a husband, he needs to work hard to get it back. If he doesn't, it is hopeless.

And since he cheated, as a Christian, you have a free get out of jail pass. But take your time, there is no hurry.

Lost,

Sorry you are going through this. As everyone else said, only you can decide when you have had enough. For me, it was after 9 months and many false recoveries, continued lying, continued secrecy and contact. I realized that it was going to go on that way for as long as I let it, so Plan B was in order for me. It didn't bring WH back though, so don't do it with that expectation. I did it for my own sanity and peace. As I look back, I realize that my WH was too weak to totally cut contact with OP. He put little into saving the M, and was incredibly dishonest about everything. My feeling was that if he stayed with me, she was always going to be in the mix somehow and he would always be wondering if he made the right decision. I figured that if I removed myself from the mix and let them be together then he would know for sure. It may sound like warped reasoning, but as Candice Bergen said in the movie WOMEN - sometimes it takes a good dose of the AP to make them realize what they have given up.

Again, only you will know when enough is enough. Hang in there.

I agree with BigK's advice. Only you can decide if you feel you've done everything to save the marriage and can walk away knowing you will be at peace with your decision. If you feel you've earned your way out - then that is how you feel.

I also didn't want anything to do with my H after DD and it was his commitment to R that kept me holding on. It took 4 months MC and using this site. For us it worked out - we have the best relationship hitting our 20-year anniversary this year.

GG

This is an inaccurate generalization, thankfully. Sure, there are some who stay in those bad marriages year after year, and put up with all manner of abuse, but that is certainly not a MB principle. What I tell betrayed spouses is that they convey to their WS - if they want to save the marriage - that they might be willing to stay in the marriage IF the WS does the things necessary to recover. To do otherwise is to die a death of a thousand cuts. It is to prolong the inevitable.

lost,

I read thru your posts & it sounds like you have really been on this rollercoaster for a while. You made mention in other posts that you don't even know who you are anymore as though you have lost your idenity and I know that feeling ohhhh so well and it stinks.

Only you know the answer & I think you have already made it but you are still trying to justify it. It's ok.....I did the same thing & struggled for a long time for many reasons.

Did you ever get into IC? Just a suggestion, but that is what helped me to start to determine all of the hard decisions I had to make and it really helped. I'm a work in progress.

I lost respect for my fWxW, I'm sure she did for me as well. Thats when I knew it was over. I walked, no regrets for walking, but I sure do miss my kids. Once you move on and are with other people, your life w/ your xS fades quickly. You begin a new life with someone else. Yes, there will always be could of, should of , would of...DUDE

I am sorry this was such a negative post. I was having a pity party for myself at the moment and just let loose. Thanks for letting me vent....I didn't mean to make generalizations but after re-reading my post I think I came across that way. I appreciate the fact that no one jumped on me. That's why I come to this forum...you guys are always willing to cut people some slack when they are hurting. Thanks so much for the kind words and support. I really appreciate it.