Lately my wife has been digging up guys from the past and requesting them as friends on facebook. I don't know if I am just being overprotective, or just overly jealous. What do you think?

If your wife has already been involved in an A, then YES, it' a problem and NO you are NOT overreacting.

How did you find out about the new friends? Do you have access to her account?

We have access to each other's accounts.

Being that you list her as a WW with a discovery date back in 2006. It sounds like she has cheated. If she has cheated, you are neither being overprotective or overly jealous. She has cheated in the past and now she is fishing again. You need to confront her. And tell her that her inability in the past to have proper boundaries eliminates her option of collecting male friends on facebook. Tell her:

"don't get me wrong. You can collect them. But just not remain married to me. I am not going to stay awake nights worrying about you and other men friends. And being that you most likely won't lose sleep over not being able to sign up a bunch of guys to your club. I think we need to err on the side of who this will bother most......ME. I am sorry, that because of your past, it limits your friendships, but that's a consequence of the decision you made when you spread your legs for some other guy but me."

Did you ask her?

There was a post about this started by me awhile back.

I actually set up my WW's facebook account with pics, and everything. Then she went and invited a bunch of guy friends from high school.

I honestly don't think she understood that the "friend invite" was the equivalent of a drink at a bar to guys from 20 years ago. And the guys she invited were universally nerdy, unattractive guys. So, natch they flooded her with notes bevcause she had a very cute pic up.

However, I pitched a fit, and she just said "Take it down, I don't care, I don't have time for this."

So, I felt like a controlling jerk.

THEN....she left her Classmates page open, and her mailbox was full of flirts with the OM from a year ago.

So....better safe than sorry. To a wayward, social networking internet stuff can be like booze to a drunk. If you are really recovered just sit her down and tell her it makes you uncomfortable.

Why "Rug" now? Why not "Rock" any more? Don't you think replies could be better targeted if people knew your history?

I dunno. I guess I just wanted some fresh opinions about my question. Anyone that knows my history would just be biased and jump all over me.

Oh. I thought you were feeling walked on and that's why you are Rug. As opposed to solid as a Rock.

Charlotte

But Rug, surely you can see the utter futility of that approach.

As I understand it, you were hoping that people would see you as a relatively new BH - or at least without the serious problem of recurrent affairs. They might have answered that reaching out to old boyfriends on Facebook is not necessarily the sign of affair behaviour, but must be stopped, that there might be a problem in her making a connection with someone she has had feelings for in the past, that friends should be friends to both of you, that you should vigourously meet her ENs and POJA, practice O&H, put in place EPs and any amount of MB principles, but how would that have helped you? Would that have been any use to your real situation?

From what I can remember without reading your thread again, your wife has had recurrent affairs including a very recent one and she is an alcoholic. She seems to disregard your feelings and do as she pleases. She has actually posted on MB, defended her activities and told everybody to p off out of her business. Aren't those facts that should be known by those taking the trouble to post advice to you? Don't you think they are extremely relevant in working out what she might be up to when she engages in her Facebook activity? How can you possibly hope to get relevant advice when you lie (by omission) about your situation?

Doesn't "fresh opinions" just mean more favourable ones based on ignorance, and doesn't "biased" just mean "informed"?

Why don't you want to hear what people have been telling you for so long?

Rug, I'll tell you something that perhaps has not been said to you before.

Your marriage does not have serious problems, your wife enjoys a harmless drink as we all do from time to time, your children are growing up in a healthy environment and your wife is entitled to her friendships, as all married people are.

Is that advice helpful to you?

I read your history. It wasn't ok what you did, It wasn't OK what she did. And it is not OK what she is doing now. No flame just fact. Stop her. You cheated by having an affair. She is a serial cheater. Tell her to end it or get a divorce and go have fun.

You're Rock???

Why would you do this? Why would you waste everyone's time here?

I don't know your story, just very small bits and pieces of it. But for crying out loud, I KNOW you have to know that this would NOT be ok by MB standards, and therefore I can't understand WTF you would ask this question...???

You have issues with boundaries, obviously. Why you need everyone here to tell you this is way effed up, I don't know. You obviously already know that, so why play this game?

Honestly, you need to ask yourself that. Read up on boundaries, grow a pair, and then start using them. That's my advice.

Ok, to answer some questions, yes, I felt rug was more appropriate because basically I am a door mat and that wouldn't quite fit in my profile space.
I also tried Rug (formerly Rock), but that didn't fit.
Anyway, I guess I pretty much know the answer, so off I go.
Sorry if I "wasted your time here".

Yes, but Rock,

Why not try and answer the other questions, too?

I didn't feel you were wasting my time, and I would not have spent any time replying if I had (if that makes sense - which it doesn't!) I asked you this:

"How can you possibly hope to get relevant advice when you lie (by omission) about your situation?" because I thought that you were wasting your time attempting deception like this.

Can you see that if people had not worked out who you were, you would have got pointless advice based on misinformation?

Why not update your recovery thread and say what has been going on at home since you discovered a new affair in December? What became of that affair? Has your wife continued her AA meetings (correct me if I'm wrong; I believe she started these)? Do you think that her Facebook activity is anything other than affair behaviour?

Ok, sorry about the omission about my situation. I guess I didn't put much thought into that.

For anyone who even cares any more, here is an update on my situation. Not much has changed though.
SInce the last discovered affair in December, things have been pretty quiet. I never discovered who this OM really was. I guess it really doesn't matter. I guess he was an old co-worker. Supposedly it wasn't a PA, or at least I was told that. I suppose I'll never know. One thing that upsets me is that she told me that HE ended it. That's nice to know. As far as I know it is over.

My wife's drinking had gotten really bad over the past few months, but she has been sober for the past two weeks. She seems to have been thinking a lot clearer since then.
The problem I have now is her involvement in digging up guys from her past on facebook. Although I keep questioning myself about it all. I don't know if I'm over-reacting or not. To me it seems disrespectful and in a way she seems to be getting her kicks right under my nose. I don't understand the reasoning for becoming involved in these guys from the past, but maybe it's not as bad as I feel. I don't know.

I'm not sure if it's "affair behaviour" or not. It almost seems lke this is her way of getting attention, or her fix, of attention from other guys.
I'm confused.

Rock,

I think it is safe to say that people here care however there is plenty of frustration due to your unwillingness to act. You choose to be a doormat. You choose to allow promiscuity and indiscretion. You choose to stand idly by while your W drinks herself to oblivion.

I think we all know that what your W is doing is at the very least dangerous. It is disrespectful to you and your M. That being said, does it make a difference? Will her behavior or our opinions have any influence on your actions? If not, your question is moot. For you and your girls, I hope you can find the inner strength necessary to change things. You can have a better life with or without Mrs. Rock.

Your choice.

- Sh0cked

Rock, I don't think that with her history it could anything other than affair behaviour.

You know that even without her history she should not be doing this. Without her history you probably would be advised to talk to her, using O&H and no DJs or AOs, firmly stating that her behaviour is harmful to the marriage. If she describes it as innocent, you would be advised to spell out where this "innocence" usually leads and why the behaviour must stop. In a healthy marriage where partners respect each other, there would be no need for an argument or threats, just a firm statement from you of the unacceptability of such behaviour in marriage. A wife who is engaged in her marriage would be willing to end this behaviour.

You wife has affairs in your marriage and is inconsiderate of your or your children's needs.

Are you prepared to do anything about either the Facebook or the overall situation?

Its good that that the last two weeks she has been drink free!! But know this...it is very rare for a person to go cold turkey on their own without AA or similar counceling!!!

As far as the Facebook and her searching for past boyfriends...I would send her a note on Facebook and ask her why she is doing this!! That might scare her back into reality!!