How you handle the revealation of your A will be a defining factor in your recovery if their is one as well as the kind of person you are.

Do you work with OM?

Looking4,

May I email you? Or you me? I don't know how to privately ask this, as this forum is new to me (and I don't really know how to work my way around this place).

black raven,

No I do not work with OM. He is not married--divorced. We met at the gym.

If you both go to the same gym, then stop going. Re-arranging your work out time is not the answer. Go somewhere else.

Have you confirmed that OM is divorced or are you relying on his word for it?

He is divorced. And in a sick twist--he divorced his wife because she cheated on him (several times--they've been divorced for 10 years). Airing this dirty laundry is humiliating, as it should be.

I have a very naive question to ask: Is the complete NC with the OM to ensure that there will not be contact again? What all is wrapped up in NC?

Yes, you may email me. I'll notify the moderators to send my address to you. You could also get huge help by reading my thread here -- Hubby Now Cares. Should I Tell of A? I've been there done that, and am still in the thick of it. And... I'm better for it.

While I can offer you information from my perspective as a former cheater, getting the perspectives and hearing the experiences of betrayed spouses is also critical for your processing and understanding of the impact of your choices. When you speak from a fogged point of view or when you simply don't "get it", they pull out the wood. They're called 2 x 4s and they're used to whomp you upside the head, to try to knock the sense of reality into you. Take the blows. Don't get offended. Hear the words of wisdom for what they are -- words to help you recover and to help your H heal from this devasting news.

You can do this.

Huh? Isn't it a oxymoron to say there should be NC to ensure NC?

You will never get over OM if you maintain contact in ANY way. OM is a POS. Plus it is a slap in the face to your BS. NC means NC EVER.

Thank you Looking4. I have already read your prior post--it's strikingly similar to my own history. There is great relief, and pain, in knowing that I am not the only one.

Thank you.

I'm not sure I understand this question, can you be more specific?

I'm not sure why you are here. It feels as though you are not really ready to be completely honest.

The advice you've been given is right on the money. If you are serious about the affair being over, you need to go 100% NC with the OM. Make sure you tell your H that you've taken that step when you spill your guts. He might not appreciate it at the time, but down the road, it might help speed recovery.

The situations leading up to the affair are of yours and your husband's doings. You were not meeting each other's needs. However, that's all the leeway you'll get from me. YOU chose to make a terrible decision, and step outside the marriage to get your needs met.

Yes, tell ALL right off the bat. And confess before he finds out. My husband complains constantly that he doesn't understand why I can't get over his EA (he actually told me "it could have been worse"--referring to the fact that it could have been physical). Well, the reasons I can't get over it, even almost 3 years later are:

1. I had to 'bust' him and even after I had my proof, he kept denying until I put the proof in front of him.
2. I'm still not sure I have the total truth and all the details . They came out in dribs and drabs.
3. The first thing he said to me when he finally "confessed" was "I'm sorry. She has this hold on me." Then he proceeded to tell me that he'd been trying to figure out how to end it for some time. That part is true--I read the emails that went back and forth. But that initial first line he repeated when he finally admitted the truth, did more damage than anything he said about wanting out and feeling guilty.
4. NC means NC. And if OM tries to contact you, you must IMMEDIATELY tell your spouse.
5. Be ready to hand over all your passwords, cell phone logs, etc. Don't complain about feeling like you have to check in with your parole officer. You made this bed.

"I have a very naive question to ask: Is the complete NC with the OM to ensure that there will not be contact again? What all is wrapped up in NC?"

Obvious to all, I'm not thinking clearly....but what I'm trying to ask is something along the lines of, what happens if there is contact? (NO-I AM NOT CONTACTING OM. I have cut him off from my email and IM, which is the only contact we have.) What if I'm somewhere and I see the OM--does that count as "contact"? And then there's the dumb question rolling around in my head: I'm training for a marathon come May. OM is on my running team. I can train w/o the team, but what of the marathon? Don't run it so I eliminate the chance of possibly seeing him there?

On a day-to-day basis, the only place I'd see OM is at the gym, in the AM before he goes to work. I have switched to evenings so I don't see him. Is it still a bad idea to go to the gym even if he's not there? (There is no other gym I can switch to, but I will do what is needed to ensure NC, even if that means cutting the gym out of my life.)

You're not going to like this answer. 1. Switch gyms. 2. Don't run the marathon or see if you can run with another team. 3. If you see OM, you need to tell H that you saw OM. If he finds out that you saw OM on the street and said nothing to him, he could start to spin an entire scenario in his head.

bbb, any contact with the OM will trigger your feelings and make recovery possible. That means just seeing him or even his car. Leaving something like this to chance will leave you and your H wide open to constant triggers. It is absolutely impossible to recover that way. There is no way you should continue at that gym. If you switch to the evenings, there is nothing stopping him from doing the same. That is like playing Russian Roulette with your marriage.

Can you imagine how your husband would feel if you ran a marathon with the OM?

why did the affair end?

If there is ANY chance of you seeing OM at the gym or the marathon, you need to give up both. If you run into him on the street, turn around and walk away. Don't chat, don't look at him, LEAVE! Even if OM stopped going to the gym, that gym was the place your A started. Stop going...period.

You trying to work over the details makes me worry what BS has in store from him. Either you're serious or you're not. Which is it?

Lexxy,

The affair ended because we both knew it was wrong.

Let me put it another way. Your affair STARTED AT the gym. The conditions that made the affair possible need to be CHANGED in order for your marriage to recover. Ask yourself if the alcoholic can sober up if he goes in the bar every day and smells the booze? The inevitable weak moment will collide with opportunity eventually.

It is the same with you. Going back to the scene of the crime keeps the OM top of mind and keeps you triggered. It will also drive your H insane. Adultery is absolutely the worst thing that can happen to someone; you can't take chances with your H's life like this.

Check out this post by Lifechoice, who used to see her XOM just 1x a month at work:

No contact, lifechoice http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659249&fpart=3

Every time I read where a WS is still working with the AP I cringe because I know exactly where things are headed. I know I said this before, but I only worked 6 days a month and after I ended the A, of the 6, we maybe worked together 1 or 2. When I ended the A it brought relief and neither FOM nor I wanted the A any longer, but regardless I was hooked. Just seeing his car in the parking lot, his name on an work email, or anything related to him kept me hooked.

I never knew ahead of time if I was going to be working with him. If I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car I would feel happy and sad at the same time and if his car was not there I would feel relief and sad at the same time.

My therapist told me to journal and after I confessed the stuff in there just makes me shake my head. Now when I read the stuff I did, said, etc it makes me sick to my stomach. I honestly believed I was on my best behavior because we were not crossing any inappropriate lines or so we thought. Now I can "see" exactly what happened and how it fed my addiction to the A. All those "professional" conversations that had bits and pieces of non-professional idle chit chat, facial expressions, body language, the unnecessary walk-by's, the acknowleging everyone but him days, etc where so harmful. And then my poor H would get to hear all about it because I was being open and honest. I have no idea why he didn't leave me because of what I put him through.

In a sec I will add a snippet from my journal and a prime example of why FAP's cannot stay working together. I hadn't seen my FOM in who knows how long. Docp had recently asked for all the details of the A and I was a complete nervous wreck. When I got to work, FOM was there, I was having a really bad day and to top it off was exposed to TB by a patient. The TB deal was the straw that broke the camels back. I had a meltdown in my FOM's office and almost passed out. I asked him if I could sit for a second and that second of sitting lead to a conversation we never should have had.

We talked about Docp's and his W's reaction, how we all were coping, how stupid and weak we were etc, etc. Even sitting here now I remember the feeling I had and KNEW we should not have been having that conversation, but it was making me feel better when I felt like crap. What I didn't realize was I had just had a big dose fed to my addiction and the whole cycle started again.

Here is the snippet from my journal: (I changed names of course)

"It felt good to talk to him and clear a lot of this up. He even mentioned it was nice that we were able to talk and I feel like he meant it, not in an appropriate way, just a friendly way. (Ah, this from the person who has been avoiding talking to me forever) I felt like I was talking to my 'old friend" the way it was for years before we messed everything up. I told Docp about the whole conversation. He was ok with this conversation, but said he wouldn't be really happy if we started talking all the time. duh!!!!!! I just said I understand and didn't plan on talking to him about anything that wasn't work related."

OK, in all reality Docp was NOT OK with the conversation and told me he didn't care if I was going to faint or not I needed to crawl out of his office, not sit and chat with him. But in my happy place I honestly believed because I told Docp about the conversation it really was OK. I was completely delusional and thought because it made me feel so good, it HAD to be OK.

I had all this going on and I rarely saw my FOM, can you just imagine what is going on when people are seeing each other every day?

Anyway back to NC, I'm not sure if I simply missed it before, but it seems lately we have more who are willing to allow the WS to continue working with the AP and have a zillion and one excuses on why it's OK. I'm never surprised when they find out the A is still ongoing though because I could tell them the details of what is going on during the work day when the WS honestly feels they are on their best behavior.

black raven,

I am a detail person, so working over the details is largely how my brain works. I am very much that despicable "All or nothing" personality, and I can sometimes (translated: most times) go to the extremes. So, me asking about the gym and all is me trying to figure out if I'm just being too extreme or not. But, it looks like being extreme is the way to go in this case. I am ready to do what is needed to make things right.

I even told OM during the affair that I would face all consequences for my actions when the time came and that I would not deny anything, if asked. I'm obviously no martyr, but I have stuck with that. OM was very nervous about this--that's probably why the affair was so short.

I do need help, though, and that's why I'm here to take the preliminary beating I deserve. I need help thinking straight and you guys are really helping me--I feel like my compass has been broken and I'm really desiring to walk "true north," I just don't know which way it is.

BBB

running a marathon w the OM? No can do. It would be disrespectful and hurtful to your BH. Not to mention an independent behavior. If you seriously want to recover your M, your H MUST come first. Before your needs/wants.

In truth, you are already running a marathon. Its called recovery.

bbb,

You are not taking a beating. No one has given you a :twobyfour:. You really don't know which way is "true North?" Really? I think you KNOW. You had the presence of mind to come here and ask for help. You know the way, bbb. Going to extremes or over analysizing ways to make things easier for youself is only going to provide unneccesary detours to you.