I am new to this site and I am not sure where to begin. I have been married for 10 years, I am a female,37 years old with 2 kids. My husband has had 2 affairs with the same woman in the last 12 years. He blames me for the affairs, which hurt of course, but his reasons didn't make sense to me. He won't be specific or tell me what he needs or wants. I am left feeling helpless all of the time. If we try to talk about it he says that he wants to leave it in the past and I am not to bring it up. I still think that something might be going on, but when ever I ask him something he tells me that I am being paranoid. Here is the weird part, his girlfriend calls me. After the first affair she called me everyday , I think it was because she wanted to upset me enough to divorce my husband. The second time she called my again to tell me because "I deserved to know" at the same time still trying to contact my husband, asking him if I threw him out yet. I received a phone call from her again a few months ago, this time she was telling me that my husband had been contacting her. When I asked him about it of course he denied it, but he became furious. He is normally a very subdued person, he rarely shows any emotion. he also had the same quirks as the other times. Distant, mean, later hours etc.

He tells me that I am not the same person I used to be. How can I be? This has changed me and not in a good way. My self esteem is shot, I am stressed out all of the time, I don't sleep, and I can't concentrate on anything. I hate to leave him alone, I hate to let him be on the computer and when he takes phone calls he goes outside. I feel like I am falling apart and the worse part is my girls are watching all of this.

Some days I think it would be easier to leave him and some days I think it would be easier to just fade away. Can someone love you and hurt you repeatedly? Is it possible to not lose yourself in all of your misery? I think I lost what was left of my mind and my self respect years ago.

We did try therapy a couple of years ago, but he didn't take it seriously, and honestly the therapist wasn't very good, he was the type that just wanted to say "I see and how do you feel about that" We tried it for about 6 months and decided that he wasn't doing us much good. The therapist was more concerned when my insurance carrier changed, then he was in helping us get through this. I learned more from Dr. Harleys book than I did from therapy.

How do you get these ideas from the book to work if your partner doesn't think it's neccesary? How can I help him to understand that we need this or at least I need this. I don't want to make demands, I want us to agree that this will help. If we don't do something I am sure he is going to do it again if he hasn't already and then it will be divorce because I can't keep putting myself through this or my children.

It sounds to me like you have a really hard time standing up for yourself. You give up what you need so that he doesn't get mad, leave you, or do other things.

What you need to do is get to a point where YOU respect yourself. Once you do that, you won't let him do any less.

What have you done for yourself? Without him? Counseling, personal growth, etc.?

What does this bunny-boiler say to you? Next time she calls, tell her that she is to never contact you again, that any further contact will be considered harassment. Then if she calls again, head down to the courthouse and get a restraining order. Telephone harassment is a FELONY. If she phones you after the RO is in place, get proof (phone log, tracing by the phone company, etc. be careful of recording, check the laws), then take it up with the police.

That will at least show your WH that you are not going to lie down and take it anymore. Please get some IC. You need it before you can even hope to get anything out of MC. You're too weak right now.

Thank you for responding and you are right, I don't stand up for myself as much as I should. I don't like fighting and the discussions that my husband and I have are usually futile. He just sits there and doesn't want to participate or help solve any problems. His response is usually get over it.

I did try counseling by myself, but I didn't seem to get much out of it. I did it twice a week for 7 or 8 months and the only thing I came away with was the same feelings that I had when I started and the thought that therapy couldn't fix me either. He even tried me on anti-depressants and that made things worse.

As far as the personal growth, I lost my job 2 years ago and started my own business which he has nothing to do with. I started working out weekly with out him. And as far as leisure time I usually spend it with my kids, doing something with them like bike riding or playing games and stuff like that.

My self respect is very low, it's worse now than it has ever been. How do you start to rebuild something that has always been broken? I've read a few self help books and the most positive thing I've gotten from that is meditation. The self respect issue may be one of the biggest problems with me and my marriage.

Any suggestions on how to start feeling better about myself and grow a backbone?

Thank you for responding, I appreciate your input. When the girlfriend called after the second affair, I did warn her that a restaining order was what I was planning to do and the phone calls did stop. I am not exactly sure how a restraining order works if there is a time limit or what. it was four years between phone calls. This last time she only called the one time. My husband urges me to change the phone number, but I won't. I guess in the back of my mind I want this twisted little chic to have access to me, because I can always count on her to call and rat out my husband. Is that weird? That is a definate problem. I justify it by telling myself that if i could trust him and knew that he was done with her, I would have no problem changing my number.

As for the stuff that she tells me, I am afraid that the post would be too long to read. But basically she tries to upset me enough to leave my husband, by trying to tell me all of the dirty little secrets that they shared, she even mailed me emailed print outs of their conversations. The first time she even pulled the pregnancy bit, I told her that I felt bad for her and that I would take her to the Dr. and even pay for it so she would know for sure. That was the last time she brought that one up. That should give you an idea of the type of person I've been dealing with. Your term "bunny-boiler" hits the nail on the head!

And I have tried ic but it didn't help much, and right now I can't financially afford to try it again. But you are right as well, when it comes to my husband I am very weak.

Any ideas that you could offer would be greatly appreciated. And thank you again for your input.

Try reading some books that are more geared toward psychology, rather than just self-help books. I've found that the ones that explain how you got to the point of low self-esteem are much more helpful. Some that come to mind are Healing the Shame That Binds You and The Dance of Anger.

Have you tried affirmations? Write out some things that are great about you. Tape them to your bathroom mirror. Read them out loud to yourself every morning or night. Silly, but it works.

Finally, remind yourself that you are 50% of your marriage. You could live a perfectly happy life without him if you chose to, so treat every thing he does with/to you as a 'test' to whether he deserves you. If he builds up too many 'no's' maybe you need to reconsider if you do need him. At the very least, let him know what you have discovered.

Thank you, I will definately try one of those books. As for the affirmations, it isn't silly and it actually works. I have made them a part of my daily meditation ritual.

And you are right, I need to start believing that I can survive without him. I know that I can, it is just getting to the part where I believe it that I seem to have trouble with.

Thanks again for your great advice!