bbb, you are doing the right thing to consider all the details and I do believe you want to do the right thing. It will mean alot to him that you come to him voluntarily, with remorse and with a plan in hand.

Here is how I would present this to your H:

1. tell him the truth about what happened and with whom it happened. Tell him how very sorry you are and that you hope you can earn his forgiveness.

2. Tell him this is no excuse, but you felt alone/neglected in the marriage and made a horrendous choice to have an affair. You love him more than anything and want to fix this marriage

3. show him a PLAN you have to affair proof and recover your marriage. Tell him you do not want your old marriage back, but want one that is stronger. [whatever you do, don't in any way imply that his neglect was to blame - it MAY very well be part of the reason but now it not the time to say this - more on this later]

Here is your plan:

a) you have ended your affair and will never go to the gym again - you have quit the marathon and will take steps to never see OM again

b) you have written a letter to be sent to the OM but want his approval first and want to mail it together [I will post it at the end]

c) you promise to open up your entire life to him so that there is complete transparency,ie: cell phone passwords, email accounts, will voluntarily place a keylogger on your computer so he can see what you do online

d) you would like to go through the Marriage Builder program to recover from this affair. [print out the Requirements for Recovery and show him this] INVITE HIM HERE so we can help him





Dr. Harley:
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent entire article here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I've given up my job -- yes I was layed off but other opportunities that may have put me in indirect contact with FOM have been passed.

I've given up probably over $1,000 worth of clothes because of some direct or indirect association with FOM.

I've given away numerous CDs because the songs had an association with FOM.

I've given up nights out because they would make my H uneasy.

I've given up my integrity and reputation with some friends and family members.

I've given up things my H isn't even aware of because I needed to give them up -- for my own sanity.

I've given up my call records and offered access to all my accounts and passwords.

I've given up lying.

And yet I've given up less than many others have had to do.

We do it because in return we give our Hs a chance to recover and our Ms the only chance to survive, maybe even be stronger. The return on investment is well worth sacrifices.

Everything L4 says totally and utterly. I confessed to my A too. Take the beatings, once you get over them they lead you to a better place.

The only way to tell is just to say it. I told H in bed in the morning at the weekend as that is just about the only time and place we had at that point without distraction. That gave him all weekend to discuss if he wanted or all weekend for one of us to find alternative accommodation arrangements.

We had the "all the detail discussion" about a week later which was when I was given my last chance to tell all. When it comes to this your BS should ask anything he wants for as much detail as he wants and you really really really do have to answer his questions fully and honsetly. I would not have been able to stand DH's hurt if I hadn't revealed all and he found out through other means - BS deserves honesty.

NC is NC. I gave up my band - that in itself was heart breaking at the time. (But now I appreciate my marriage so much more and they are tiny tiny tiny sacrifices in comparison. I feel like screaming from the roof top NC is the only way forward, ever. I try to avoid contact with anyone that knows him - I have told our mutual acquaintances about the affair and asked them never to mention OM (this was very hard for them to start with but is not a prob now.

Exposure of the A was also a brilliant way of realising the enormity of the A, the humiliation really hits home and really prevents any reoccurrence - who wants to be labelled a s**g?

All these things will need to be faced to have a succesful marriage


Good Luck

ST

Ok all, the marathon is gone.

Kim, you're right. I am running a marathon now, for my marriage. May I take all the time, hard training, discipline, blood, sweat and tears it takes to run 26.2 miles on my feet and pour all that energy into a marathon focused on saving my marriage, making wrongs right, and becoming a person I can be proud of.

\

You've got it. No marathon is worth the sacrifice of your integrity and your marriage. {{{{{{{{bbb}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you, MelodyLane, this (your post of how to approach my DH) is precisely what I was looking for. A map to guide me on this journey. As I "walk" through these forums, I am so humbled and ashamed with where my feet have been. Had I only been here two months ago, I'd never be writing this post.

Though my shame is thick and my tears are many, I am so thankful to finally have people, be they only in the computer!, who can give me sound counsel. Thank you!

bbb, when you tell him, he is likely to be very upset and may get angry. Just prepare yourself for that and come here and let us support you. It is best to just agree with him and don't get into a fight with him. Your marriage was not fulfilling FOR YOU in the past and that will be addressed in this recovery plan, but you don't want to focus on that at this time. We WILL focus on that if he comes here once he calms down.

Here is a general guideline of recovery that you might want to present to him:

Dr. Harley:

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Requirements for Recovery

I'm off to run errands...real life interfering with MB posting. LOL

bbb,

Tell your BH and end all possible opportunities to come into contact with OM. BH deserves to know the truth. Do not betray him any longer with lies, half truths, or omissions of truth. To do so is cruel and will make any chance you have of recovery all the more difficult. End contact with OM today. BH will be hurt and angry. Expect it. Do not turn to POSOM. You warning OM about anything, checking to see if he is okay, or any other excuse there is to contact him will be rubbing salt in BH's wounds. Don't do it. Be there for your BH.

Good luck.

I'm going to give you some advice as a BH. I never got an apology from my ex and never had any understanding from her regarding the absolute devastation I felt about her straying.

So keep a few things in mind:

1. He will be crushed. Expect him to stop eating much, lose weight, possibly throw up, and be completely and utterly devastated.

2. His emotions will be all over the place. Wanting you one second. Calling you a "cheating, adulterous, wh*re" the next.

3. He will ask many questions and will be asking for very specific things. All the questions from him will be uncomfortable but you must must must answer in full and in complete honesty.

4. Expect a lot of his questions to focus on sex. Men feel the sexual betrayal to a greater degree than the emotional one. (The opposite for women, but both sexes feel pain for both things, just to different degrees). The sexual betrayal for a man is monsterously huge. He's going to ask you about places, positions, what you were wearing, etc.

5. Triggers will come and will be unexpected and random and you must be prepared for them. What are triggers? Could be anything. My ex was watching a specific movie when she did her physical stuff. Seeing that movie on the shelf in the store would anger me. Driving by the restaurant they went out to would anger me. Going to a restaurant I hadn't gone to before would make me wonder, "did she come here with one of her OM?"

The triggers will be there and will upset him. You must weather the storm with understanding.

6. Prepare to go to extremes to make him regain your trust. You have just surrendered any right to have any kind of things that are kept from him and now need to go into overly transparent mode to regain his trust. Odds are it will get better over time, but be prepared to report your whereabouts at all times, surrender the passwords to all your email accounts and cell phone records, etc.

7. Expect him to be shocked. Men and women communicate differently. You might think you were very clear with communicating to him that you weren't happy. Odds are that he didn't get it. A guy thinks, "If she isn't complaining, then all must be ok or she's gotten over what was bugging her."

A woman thinks, "Why can't he see how much pain I'm in or how hard a time I'm having?"

We can't. We see what we want to see. We respond to being sat down, looked square in the face and eye to eye, and be told, "Hey, [censored], I'm not happy and I'm about to leave you or seek a way out of this marriage. I'm not joking. This is something that needs to be fixed or addressed because it's not going away and I'm about to go."

We men often live in denial over our wives pain OR we are oblivious to it, or we dismiss things that are a big deal to you but not a big deal to us.

8. Don't expect a quick recovery.

9. Get rid of anything that deals with OM. If you wore it on a date with him, get rid of it.

What was the depth of your affair? Did you think you loved this man? Was it more the attention that you liked? Did you lie to OM to justify your actions?

My ex told the guys she met up with that she was in the process of divorcing or was separated from me when she wasn't. Made it hard for me to be mad at them since they were lied to.

So I'm giving you some food for thought.

Have kids?

I can tell you this much: I would have dropped my wife like a hot potato if I didn't have kids with her. The kids were my primary motivation to save things. There's other women out there and women are replaceable (as are men). Families are not.

Your BH is welcomed here and will find much company that understands him.

Finally: You made a mistake. You're owning up to it. You don't understand the magnitude of your mistake (you will when you see his reaction), but I have to commend you for recognizing it and the willingness you have to correct it.

A former wayward wife is a powerful force on these forums. This mistake on your part doesn't tar you forever. It does if you never show remorse or repent for your actions. But you have and are willing to own it, which puts you in a rare breed of woman.

Just be prepared that he may not wish to forgive you and may wish to move on. Either way, learn from this. Learn about boundaries and limits in marriage. Understand what led you down this path.

Odds are it was more than just being vulnerable. We are all vulnerable under the right circumstances. But we are all responsible for setting boundaries.

What are boundaries?

No "innocent" lunches with members of the opposite sex.

No opposite sex friends that aren't a friend of the marriage. They can't be just your friend anymore.

No such things as harmless flirting.

The odds are high you had an affair longer than just two months. You probably started talking to this guy longer than what you say or think or would categorize as an "affair".

It probably started small. Small talk with an attractive person.

Then light flirting. Then a line was crossed by someone who made a slightly off color joke to test the waters and the feeling was reciprocated.

Led to the "harmless" coffee/lunch/etc.

Led to a "harmless" outing. We're just friends afterall.

Finally something happened where the line to physical was passed.

You got here because of poor boundaries combined with an emotional vulnerability to stray.

It was never, ever, ever in any way shape or form your husbands fault that you cheated because you weren't happy.

Just keep these things in mind. Sorry for the book I just wrote on this post.

Baron,

Thank you. And I like to read, so your book was much appreciated.

Yes I have children--4 of them. Four precious little people that look up to me...I suffer greatly knowing that their mother is not the woman they believe her to be. Yet another horrible scar on my heart that I have to own.

All the things you listed that my H will go through are all the things I have been suffering from (I haven't been sleeping, either), so I can understand, in part, this pain.

The depth of my affair was very shallow. I think me saying that I would confess if caught was a real turn-off to the OM. I feel that part of the affair was out of retaliation to a 12 year marriage that I'd carried on my back to make work. This sounds absolutely horrible, but I think it is true. I have been SO lonely for 12 years; tossed aside like someone elses garbage. And the OM--he was on the prowl for a woman like me. I didn't take his bait for quite a while, but then gave in, and look where it got me. I wouldn't be surprised if I was more of a bet to the OM than anything else. He spotted me, hunted me, got me, and dropped me. Stupid, stupid, STUPID woman!

You're right about the start of the affair. With your very apt description, the affair began to bud in October, culminated in January and hit a quick death here in February.

I didn't love this man, but had a brief time of thinking how if we were together, I'd have the certain style of life I'd always wanted (I'm a country girl at heart, and OM is a cowboy). I did not lie to OM to justify my actions. And as far as attention, yes, I did like that, but my biggest need was the insecurity of my husband not wanting or desiring me--something my H didn't have for me from the first week of our marriage due to one of his previous lovers (I just couldn't fill her shoes, wasn't sexy enough, didn't please him the way she did). This was a bitter blow for me, our marriage, and was something that has never been addressed by H (though I tried to address it several times) until this past month through counseling (I told him I was on the verge of leaving him, and that was his wake-up call). With this very foolish affair, I think I almost wanted to prove that yes, someone DID desire me, that yes, someone DID drool over me; that yes, I was WANTED.

(Boy does my dirty laundry smell.)

I DO feel like I'm "tarred" forever, and it haunts me like death itself.

Thank you for taking the time to share your "book." I am sorry your woman did this to you. And I am sorry that I am like your ex.

Baron (or anyone else, really),

I would also like to know this:

When is the appropriate time to tell my H?

He is applying for a new job right now, which we both really hope he gets (which just might take us out of the area, too, which would be nice given my thoughtless previous actions), and I don't want to interfere with this process for him, as it is very stressful for him.

I know there's probably not a "prefect" time to tell DH something like what I have to tell him, but for those of you who have 'been there, done that,' I'd appreciate any wisdom in WHEN to tell.

bbb, I would tell him when he is going to have a couple of days off. For example, if he is off this weekend, you could tell him Friday evening and that will give you both a couple of days to talk about it freely

And do it when the kids are not around. I asked my sister to take our kids for the night so they were out of the house and could not be witness to any of it.

You're not like my ex. You at least recognize what you've done. I've never even gotten an "I'm sorry for hurting you like that."

I've gotten, "I'm sorry but...."

"But" was usually followed by some lame thing like, "I was vulnerable to those kinds of words" or "it wasn't some long term affair" or "some reason you sucked as a husband".

Please, please, please don't ever say "I'm sorry BUT..."

It's simple. "I'm sorry."

Done.

Again, we're all vulnerable. It takes a special woman to recognize the mistake and own up to it.

That being said, it's never a good time to tell him.

It's like having a kid. No such thing as a good time for it.

And if he decides to D, then be kind and generous and don't give him any less than 50/50 visitation with the kids.

I can tell you this, though, recovery looks like a picnic next to the he** of divorce and a custody fight.

Far better to try and save things than it is to bail and then fight a bitter divorce and custody battle.

And the last thing that so often needs to be done, but is so often overlooked, is that you should be immediately checked out for STD's or HIV.

The life and health of both you, and your BH, could be seriously affected and compromised. You need to do this right away.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Tell him when he is well rested, maybe after you have made him breakfast and told him you love him a few times or maybe Friday evening, have his favorite alcholic drink prepared for him and let him know. I'm trying to think of the BEST way I would have liked to be told. My FWxW told me in bed and we had sex immediately after she confessed. weird? Would he like that at all? I think she should have secretly planned a getaway, had a great weekend, then broke the news to me the last day there. That would have been the best way I could think of...DUDE

Whoops, have to strongly disagree and recommend keeping alcohol out of this entirely.

Clear heads need to be in place for this trauma.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I am so proud of you!! Most WW just can't wait to confess then blast their BH w/ "all the crap for all the years". You will probably save your M if you maintain your current way of thinking. Based on your attitude, I'd say you have an 80% probability of saving it, and I don't even know you.

Good luck! DUDE

Hi All,

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you that contributed to this post. It really does break my heart that there is a web site like this because this web site represents sooo many broken, hurting people. And I'm one of them. But I'm thankful this website is here to help those of us who are broken, hurting, and needing help!

So thank you, everyone, for helping me. I needed to be chastised, and I needed to be encouraged. You guys did both. And I'm sure I'll need you guys all the more when I bare my broken soul to the man I stood before a pastor and swore I'd love till death parted us. (May that not be too soon after I tell of my evil deeds!)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

FWW bbb461011

FWW - 30
BH - 32
DD - 11
DD - 10
DS - 6
DD - 4[i][/i]

bb, I don't mean this in a bad way or a nasty way but you are NOWHERE near being an FWW yet. An FWW isn't just someone who isn't having an A. An FWW earns their F through their actions. It's not easy to earn your F, it's probably the toughest thing you'll ever go through.

I sense a bit of flippancy in your posts. I'm sure you probably don't mean to sound flippant but I don't think you've come close to really knowing the enormity of what you've done.

I'm an FWW, 6 years out from my 18 month A. (Just so you know that I know of what I speak).

It is up to your H now to decide what happens next. You need to recover your marriage and your integrity. It's not for sissies as they say.

Anyway, I DO believe your heart is in the right place and you really do want to get through this. The WS's who find MB have quite a high success rate in recovered marriages.