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Joined: Feb 2009
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She said she is miserable when around me, and just wants to leave back to the place where she is staying. Wouldnt I rather have her around when she wants to be if she ever gets to that point? Im not going to force her to love me and want to be with me, it just doesnt work.



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This is your choice.

Recovery is the hardest part of the equation. Soul killing. The point is if you can achieve this condition, you are ahead for any romance.

Are you ready to take the hard road?


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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She said she is miserable when around me, and just wants to leave back to the place where she is staying.
And yet she agreed to the three dates per week.
Actions always speak louder than words.

Of course you can't force her to love you.

But you CAN meet her ENs to the best of your ability, avoid LBs, and show her that you're willing to make permanent behavioral changes in order to be the very best husband you are capable of being.

Canceling your date night was shooting yourself in the foot.
More difficult to meet ENs, more difficult to spend 15 hours of quality time together each week.

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We have made some headway today, thanks for all the advice and putting me in my place. Glad to know everyone will not just sympathise with me and take my side. I think I just need to not be so pushy, and let things work themselves out while making sure I am not overwhelming her too much. She has asked me not to try to kiss her all the time, I just told her I miss it and Im sorry. She also gets upset when I try to talk about things to see how she is feeling. I need to work hard in these 2 areas and see what happens.

Thanks again.



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I got my books in yesterday! HNHN, Surviving an affair, and Five ways to romantic love (something like that). I also received a disk. I started reading the Surviving an affair and wow is all I can say. The story that he uses as an example is exactly my situation. I have never been a reader but I cant wait to get off work and continue reading that book.



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Originally Posted by Husband4life
I got my books in yesterday! HNHN, Surviving an affair, and Five ways to romantic love (something like that). I also received a disk. I started reading the Surviving an affair and wow is all I can say. The story that he uses as an example is exactly my situation. I have never been a reader but I cant wait to get off work and continue reading that book.

If only we got these books at school.

Yeah, don't push yourself. She will let you know. Learn to become mysterious. Play a little with the answers.

Shucks, there is a lot of learning. I printed every piece of info from this site. It's helping my sound marriage.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Ok, so we had a great discussion yesterday. It took an argument to bring some things out, but I feel better now. She told me the time apart is for her to find her own voice and own opinion because she feels as if I have basically made her mind up for her because I always try to get my way. This is true, and now that I think about it, if I wanted something I would talk her into it and not listen to what she had to say. I cant believe I was so stupid for doing this. I am going to focus on giving her more time to get her own opinion, and be behind her 100% in all that she wants to do and not be so pushy in arguments or conversations.



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Had an at home date tonight. She went to the doctor today because she felt ill and it was good for her to come over for a bit and hang out. I really enjoyed just being around her and spending some time with her. We made dinner together (Mac & Cheese MMMMM) and watched some TV, took the dog for a walk as well. I enjoy her company so much. I felt so good because I didnt fake at all having to hold back and not talk about things, when she is around me now it seems like bad thoughts just go away!



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I am starting to live my own life. Going to get a membership at my local rec center tonight to start working out. Making goals for myself like losing 15 pounds, stop smoking, and only drink 2 sodas per day at the most. I can already see how much happier this makes me in life because I cant wait to achieve these things. I hope my WW wants to be apart of this new me, but we will just have to wait and see. My eyes have been opened up so much to who she really is and what I want out of life. Lets just see if she can accept these changes. I know they are all for the good, but there might be some wierd reason she would see them as bad.

I will also be moving out, and she will move back into our APT. I am going to stay with a married couple that have been friends to me for a long time. I think this will help me get out of the place that I am so used to her being in. It should help me get my mind off things, and might eventually help me move on. I dont want to move on, but it might start to get that way if I see how happy I can be when someone appreciates me. Not saying I want to jump in another relationship, but would be cool to hang out with people who want me around and not a WW who wont talk to me about problems. I guess going through the worst betrayal makes you understand how much that hurts. I just love her so much and its hard not to just give in to temptation of giving up on her.

Last edited by Husband4life; 02/24/09 05:25 PM.


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Originally Posted by Husband4life
I am starting to live my own life. Going to get a membership at my local rec center tonight to start working out. Making goals for myself like losing 15 pounds, stop smoking, and only drink 2 sodas per day at the most. I can already see how much happier this makes me in life because I cant wait to achieve these things. I hope my WW wants to be apart of this new me, but we will just have to wait and see. My eyes have been opened up so much to who she really is and what I want out of life. Lets just see if she can accept these changes. I know they are all for the good, but there might be some wierd reason she would see them as bad.

Just don't brag about it. Do it. WW believe action rather than discussion.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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I can't see how. And by doing these things, you'll feel better no matter what happens. And busy active people are always more attractive.

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Originally Posted by Husband4life
I can see it, but all she says is she hasnt been happy for a long time, and doesnt think she can truly love me and feel the way she should towards me again.

For what's its worth, that sounds like typical fog-babble. If she can remain NC for 6 months, her feelings may begin to change.


BH (me) age 55
FWW age 52
married 26 years
First DDay 2/23/08, 1 day after PA began, ~1-1/2 months after EA began
Multiple failed attempts at NC
confirmable NC since 1/23/09


(D 31; S 29) my first marriage
(D 27; S 25) her first marriage
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Originally Posted by Husband4life
I will also be moving out, and she will move back into our APT.

Why?


ManInMotion
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Motion,

Its to depressing being there without her for me. I am moving in with some very good friends of mine temporarily.... I hope.

I will be taking action to meet my goals, not for her but for me. I really want to do these things because I love the feeling of accomplishment. I think thats why I am still in this M right now because if I can conquer this I will feel so much better and love her so much more.



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Originally Posted by Husband4life
Its to depressing being there without her for me. I am moving in with some very good friends of mine temporarily.... I hope.

You do realise that you've basically given her a place to freely continue and carry on any A-related activities, right? You may feel badly now - consider how you'll likely feel if current OM or even another OM starts to share your apartment with WW.




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If that is what she choses to do then its over. Im leaving that up to her. I know that might not be the best thing but I will be checking on things, and if she doesnt have the strong enough will power right now to do that, then I need to know.



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Went to counseling this morning, and everything was awesome. The counselor has taught my WW how to open up to me more and tell me her thoughts rather then going into a shell like in the past. She said she has been a "people pleaser" in the past. What my WW wasnt realizing was that while it was going on, she was not caring about how she felt on the inside. I want to help her through this and I will be as supportive as she wants me to be. Most of this will need to be done on her own. We have had a great past week even though we got into an argument. The good side of the argument is that since I was mad, she wasnt worried about making me mad with what she said. It helped her come out and explain to me how she really feels. I felt so much better after that. I think we have made huge progress from the marriage we had before, and things are on the right path. I just need to stay strong with patience and make sure we stay on this path without veering off at all.

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I hope things continue the way they are going. I just want her to be happy and want me in her life forever as her husband. I am willing to support her in every decision she makes for herself, and want the best for both of us.



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Ok, so I have a question for those of you that have been following my situation. I have done everything possible to meet her EN's and make sure that I am truly listening to everything she says and doing what she ask. I know some people say that during this time, I will have to deal with my EN's not being met. I can tell she is in this now, and really wants to make it work. The past week has shown me that and I am so happy for it because I love her so much.

My question is: She gave up something sacred that we had between each other to another man, so is it wrong that I feel less of a man when now she wont fill my SF? We havent had ANY SF in the past 2 1/2 weeks and it is so hard for me because when we do, it makes me feel so much better inside as a person and her husband. She says that when we first dated, it was all that we did, and she doesnt want it to be about that again.

Help me here. Any response is welcomed.



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Ok so, I need some help in another area also.

She is ok with us splitting our finances now, living seperately, and putting in a 60 day notice at our apartment.

I know how I feel no matter what she says, and she is not responsible for how I feel about what happens. It depresses me a bit to know she is ok with these things because I feel like she is creating distance between us. I wish I could completely believe that she just wants some space right now to figure things out, but its very hard for me to totally trust in that. I asked her if she felt like things were getting better between us and she paused and then said "ya". I just feel like crap because I cant be there for her all the time, and I need her in my life so bad right now.

I have been patiently waiting on her, and will continue to do so. I think I am falling for her even more during this time and it scares me to know she could end it any day. I hope its not too late, because I love her a lot.

Anyone interpret this any particular way?



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Has she gone NC? With a letter and all?

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