Tabby

I certainly undersand your perspective. Me personally, I would want an apology from OW but that is because she was my friend.

You bring up an interesting point. Ive often thought that if my H was truly remorseful, he would apologize to my Mom, a friend of mine, and my kids for what he has put me through. I always had an idea in my head that if he did that, it would look like true remorse to me. Ive also thought that he would tell his adult daughter- she doesnt know to this day. None of my H's family does. My family is the only one that knows. I'll admit I have a hard time sometimes knowing that his family all thinks he is Batman. In my opinion, I think the real Batman is the BS

Im not holding my breath, though.

Hi JustKim, I can certainly understand how you may want an appology from the OW in your case. Being your friend, she betrayed you just as your WH did. Had WstbxH's OW been a friend of mine, I'd probably feel differently. I wouldn't hate her any less - perhaps more even. As it is, I see her as a horrible person that runs around ruining people's lives. I don't know her in any other capacity and I don't want to.

justkim

"Road, to your point, you are probably correct in that there is nothing that a WH/OM can say to a BH that will somehow make up for the betrayal. This really isnt about the OWH, however. Its about Sun's H redeeming himself slightly in HER EYES."

Why can't Sun do what a BS should do and that is expose?

I don't think you can trust Sun's WH to have any contact. Because at the start of this post th WH wanted to contact the OW as well.

What was the WH's motivation to speak with these OW.

Does he feel the need to still protect his lovers from the hail storm that is to follow his telling the their BH's afterward?

This is what his desire's show.

Why is Sun content to let these BH's live a life that is a lie?

When no one will tell them the truth.

The OW are still liars.

The WH is still being a sneak with a hidden agenda for he has no reason to break NC with his garden hoe's.

The WH still shows no remorse for what he has done to these twelve men. So the WH is still lying by omission.

Sun as the BW by not exposing is still lying by omission all these years after the fact. But Sun wants her WH to do what she refuses to do. What needs to be done. Expose.

Road

Maybe I missed something. I will go back and read the thread but I was under the impression that the A's were exposed.

hi kim and road-
not ALL the affairs were exposed. 6 of teh women were single- so no men to expose to. of the 6 married ones- my H and i together exposed to one H, and i called and exposed to anotehr one who lives out of state.
of hte remaining 4 - whose BSs were never told- two are now divorced - these were the ones with one being my "BF" and the other one being a very good "friend". my H was also "friends" with their Hs. so it is very touchy here. they were divorced before d-day. my uncomfortableness - one guy is a crazy kind of guy who would create all kinds of scenes that i really dont want my kids to see. WHY HAVE MY KIDS SUFFER MORE???

and i cant be sure about hte other man either- kind of weird. this is truly for protection of my KIDS- NOT my FWH!!!!

my DD 12- doesnt know- and i dont want to tell her about eht As at this critical time in her development. my 2 sons- age 20 - do know about some of the affairs - not all 12.

i just dont see the point with messing with their minds and cause them pain.

i did expose to EVERYONE in both of our families- parents, sibs, cousins, etc. and also to key friends that i knew - maybe about 4 in my community and a few at work.

the other 2 who are still married, are women who worked FOR my H. we aer afraid of legal harassment suits if we expose.

Road- i want to aske the Harleys if the advise exposing in these 4 cases befoer we do so. the affairs have been over for a year and a half. but what is the REASON THAT YOU THINK I SHOULD EXPOSE NOW?????

there is no affair to be stopped anymore - and my H made NC calls and letters to all.
i just dont see a reason to risk my kids happiness .... for what????

sf

road -
the reason my H talked about apologizing to the OW was his stupid way of manipulating me- saying - POOR ME- i should apologize to the entire world!!!

and why should i risk my kids happiness to let these BH's have the truth????
i dont really give a sh** about these BHs. i care much more about my own children and the life they need to live and helping them pick up the pieces from the chaos they have been through this past year and a half.

i want stability in their lives.

i am sure my H is protecting himself at this point - and is afraid to face any of hte BH, because he is overcome with guilt and self pity. this is sickening in itself.

kim has it exactly - the TOTAL REASON I WANT MY H TO APOLOGIZE IS SO I CAN SEE HIM ON A HIGHER LEVEL OF FUNCTIONING=- so i can believe that he is DIFFERENT than the OW- so i can see that he has devoloped empathy for other people - NOT JUST GUILT!!!!

sf

Sunflower

Well, this is a tough one. I think you and I will have divergent perspectives here.


If there are 2 OW who are married and work for your H, I would say you should expose. The BH of these women deserve to know as much as you deserved to know. Surely you would have wished someone had come forward and told you of your H's infidelities? It is simply the right thing to do.

As far as the other 2 BH who are divorced, you can expose to them and make sure your children are not impacted. The 12 yr old can go to her grandparents or a friends for the weekend and do it then. I would also say dont kid yourself if you think your 12 yr old doesnt know. I have a 12 yr old girl and she knows EVERYTHING that goes on in this house. I know this because she tells my mother who tells me. And believe me, my H and i NEVER argue when my children are home and are VERY affectionate in front of the kids. She just knows and its likely your daughter does as well. Exposing to her will just put a name to icky feelings she has about what is going on between mom and dad.

As far as sexual harrasment claims, that is certainly a possibility but one that is a consequence of your H's choices. It should be shouldered squarely by him. It is very cowardly of him to hide behind you and your children claiming he "doesnt want to damage them further". I think the person that your H really doesnt want to damage further is himself. Additionally, your H is already vulnerable to harassment suits if he send NC letters to these former subordinates so that cat is already out of the bag.

Can I ask why you are choosing to stay in your M if your husband has had 12 affairs that you know of? That is an awful lot to recover from.

kim-
you bring up some very good points-
the 2 ow WORKED for my H . my H was forced to leave this job and did have a sexual harassment suit from a different employee who he flirted with.

if my H were sued it would affect MY financial situation also - and i dont know if it is worth it.

i am sure my daughter knows that something is going on- and that my H and i are different. we are not affectionate but we are not yelling and screaming at each other as we were before d-day and also right after. i dont think she knows about hte affairs from the conversations i have had with her and there have been many because one affair was with her BF's mother- so my H and i have had to explain why she cant go to her house anymore. i wanted to tell her- but would only offer information that she asked for. she did NOT ask the particular questions that i expected and i think it was because she did now want to know.

the NC letters he sent were not to the ones he worked with- only to the other ones. we didnt want something in writing. he did speak to them with a NC message that i listened in on. the ones who were not there - he left messages on their voice mail.

i think that all this discussion is in a way going backwards for me.

the big question - WHY would i want to stay with this man??? i myself dont know and am struggling with the answer.

i truly believe that my H was a sick man - in many areas of his life. i think his number of affairs shows that he was not attached to any of them- just using them instead of cocaine.

and now i see HOPE- for a new life with him- and a new life for me.

why shouldnt i be the beneficiary of his positive changes???

sometimes i waffle when he behaves in any way similar - non-communicative, not accepting responsibility- then i think i should leave- but i am still on the fence.

my h has posted on this board - his name is rfwihd1.

i think i need to concentrate on MY marriage and MY kids and MY life. i want a professional opinion from the harles about how and if to expose to these 4 husbands.

sf

I don't know the details of your story, but it feels very wrong that the 2 workplace As weren't exposed and there are 2 clueless BHs out there. How long ago was this? There is a statue of limitations. And how do you know the BHs are psychos?

Sun

Not trying to beat you up, love. I understand you are very raw and seeking support.

I do see a long pattern of enabling going on in your M. I should know. Im guilty of it myself and it has not served me well.

If you are counseling with the Harley's you are in good hands. They will give you a plan that works for you.

I agree that your H has some serious issues he needs to overcome. Dont try to fix him though. Let him do the work this time.

hi kim-
ok- thanks so much for your honesty and your support.

i agree that i do have a long history of enabling- and part of
me struggles with exposing these last 4 - is tied into that. i'm not sure .... so counseling with the Harleys will hopefully help me to figure it out.

part of me WANTS to tell them- but there is also an unsure feeling that i have about it also. i need to address that feeling and find out why.

wiht the other two - i was certain that exposure was the right thing. maybe my unsuredness are the fears that my H put in my head- about his being sued and financial concerns with his work benefits.

i am not sure.....

sf

"and why should i risk my kids happiness to let these BH's have the truth????"

How can them living a lie be creating happiness for them.

Your WH went out and danced. Then and now your WH refuses to pay the band.

Your WH has injected a cancer into these marriages. This cancer has been eating at these marriages all these years.

The countless times that posters have come here and wrote that keeping these affairs secret only built invisible walls that even though the affairs ended. The lies of ommission from not coming clean have prevented any recovery from happening in these marriages.

Your WH has caused major damage to others. Not one BH, twelve BH's, their marriages, their children.

You refuse to make WH repair the damage. If you can't handle your WH losing his job then leave him. Your treating your WH as a meal ticket. How about all the financial damage WH's actions did to tweleve BH's.

You don't want to have justice done. If your WH lose's his job, you didn't lose it, the BH's didn't lose it. His actions with his penis did it.

Why should your WH not have to pay for his crimes?

What happend to a bad driver? A ticket.

What happens to a bank robber? Jail.

What happens to a killer? Death sentence, life without parole.

Your WH did his crime. Now he has to do his punishment.

So if your WH was a drunk driver, according to you for him to be held accountable, is going to hurt you then WH must be excused from being held accountable.

hi road-
did your expose your WW's affair to the OM? what happened in your situation???

your posts come off as very angry- are you angry at my question?? is it triggering something for you??

also - not all 12 were married - 6 were married. of those 6- i exposed two, two are now divorced and two are still married.

i care more about my own healing and well being than a BS's so i must protect myself.

and one of my ENs is financial security- so it is a big deal to me.
you have brought up some good points that i will ponder and consider-but can you bring them up in a non-hurtful way??

sf

Those that needed to know knew.

Six that were single, you can tell their parents that they raised a "such a wonderful child". Then you can ask if those OW learned it was ok to have affairs from the maternal or paternal side of their family.

Six that were married. Married, divorced, those BH's still deserve the truth.

"and one of my ENs is financial security- so it is a big deal to me."

Well if you knew that your WH's affairs have the possibility that they could see the light of day and WH could lose his job.

How could you stay married to a man that could lose his job because of his actions?

You put yourself in a risky financial position when your need for need money is huge. It's not these BH's that may force you into a smaller house, go from a Escalade to Small Chevy. It's your WH's actions that would cause these things.

Your WH had to have affairs. You having to live comfortable is the same as him. You want what you want. Without care to justice. Justice is not what is best for one person, or even one family.

So why is your family above being downsized due to forced job changes?

Why is your WH exempt from working a second job if he loses his cushy job?

Their are many people out there that did nothing wrong except to be born that have lost a high pay job and did nothing to deserve that they must work two jobs now.

Is your WH more privileged then these other people?

"you have brought up some good points that i will ponder and consider-but can you bring them up in a non-hurtful way??"

I don't hate you or your WH. I am probably to direct, intent
is not to be hurtful. I have been reading here for years. I have seen too often the damage of lying by commision and ommision. I have seen the damage done to BS's and OPS's when they were denied the truth. How the delaying of the truth only made matters worse. I've seen the pain when the BS has found out only after the WS has died and the BS can't get at the truth.

Lying is wrong.

Letting a lie stand is wrong.

Repair can not take place with lies. Healing can not happen.

Are you and your WH the only people that deserve the right to heal?

What about all of your WH's victims?