Straight to the point...
I need the basic 101 run down on how to properly end my affair, and establish no contact. I know everyone here wants the details, and to shoot me rather than help. Ok, that's fair...

Those life long MB experts, like wonderings, mel, and others, please help me. See I've been here before as an BS... My recovery lasted exactly three years before I ran out of gas and fell... Back ground and situation will have to come later.

Right now... I need to clear my head from the OW. Break from her influence and give my self a chance to see what can be done at home. Yes, she my BS wants to try.

My OW is also married and with child. She doesn't want to lose her marriage, so i think she will go peacefully. Would like to see her fix her marriage to get that off my concious. However, it's my head that needs drained of the OW thoughts and my wife is hurting.

My first question is for those who were the WS....
How long does it take to get the fog to go away and stop thinking of the OW? I am sure some will say just as soon as I get a good azz kicking. Could be true... I don't know. Maybe so!
I just want to get me head out of my unknow what, and stop thinking about all the crap.... My affair is only 5 weeks in but, is/was very emotional and physcial. sorry, for making some here vomit a little. Believe me, I really know how bad this is.

Please help me purge all the OW crap from my head!

btw- I know my BS is on here, I have confessed to her. However, i am not ready to have her join in with me... She is hurt and needs help too.

What was your previous screen name?

I'll tackle only this part and let the BSs take the rest.

Have you purged every material item that you associate with the OW? Pictures, trinkets, notes, emails, clothing, pens, CDs, DVDs, coffee mugs, paperweights, pet rocks, stuffed animals, footballs, books... Everything that has any kind of association -- direct or indirect?

Have you changed all habits that you shared with her? Have you stopped eating at the cafe where you lunched, do you avoid the park bench where you chatted, go to a different convenience store for your morning paper where you'd run into her, have you changed gyms where you might bump into her or her best friend?

Have you committed to complete NC and followed it?

If you work together, have you quit your job?

I still trigger about the FOM because while the PA was short, we were friends for several years so we had a lot in common. The good news is I don't trigger nearly as much as I used to. We've been NC since June, my D-day when I confessed to H was late October. So yes, I still think of FOM but not because I'm longing for him. It's spontaneous things like seeing a car like he drives or a song starting on the radio that reminds me. It's quick and in passing. And when I do, it's not with heart swelling passion. Instead it's 'I can't believe I did that to my H.'

Sounds like you're in withdrawal still. That's hard. It's just like they say -- that an affair is like an addiction and withdrawal can be very real.

Do what you can to rid yourself of all items and habits that remind you of OW and commit to helping your W. Those things should help you begin focusing as you should -- on healing your W as much as you can.

Ahhhhhh my friend...What you are asking you already know the answer to...It's as simple as ripping off a bandaid...Write the NC letter, have your wife read, approve it and send it...And then...you ready?

Drumroll.......

Have NO CONTACT FOR LIFE...

Go through withdrawal...it will take about 6 weeks I'd say...everyone is different, of course, but yours seems to be a rather short-lived affair at this point, so I think 6 weeks is a safe estimate...

Do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help your BW heal...

And do NOT worry about the OW fixing her marriage...That is on HER property, not yours...

And THIS TIME...You STAY HERE...And you both work a plan of recovery...

Oh, oh Mr_FH...Write the NC letter IMMEDIATELY...Get this done...Remember "Jabba"? Look in the mirror dude...You are doing to another man EXACTLY what was done to you...No, oh no...

I'm rooting for you...Do you need a sample NC letter or do you still have your copy of SAA???

Mrs. W

Which one of these MB Weekends can you book? ~~~> Click Here

Mrs. W

ditto

Pep, I was here from Sept. 2005 till spring 06 as Dazed&Confused_KS. Plan A'ed my sick WW back from one of the worst OM's in history. Post recovery, I took on another log in with intent of brining my wife in to join me but she wouldn't have anything to do with it. I stuck around off an on still learning and helping cheer on other poor BS's.

Looking4, Very good info... Yes, I do have a lot of OW items to get rid of. Your right how little things trigger thoughts. I am not going quit my job. OW is employeed for the same company but in another state. Contact is not required for either of us to do our jobs.

W's- You two are really great! Thank's for your incite. Even though the term is short, withdrawl is still very real. I haven't pulled out my NC letter temps... Yes, please hit me with a link to a sample.
I think the March week end would be best.

Thank you much, sir, and you are most welcome...We very much want to see your marriage truly recover...

Yes...I know, withdrawal is hell, but as we both know, you did this to yourself, sooooooooo...sorry pal, I get it, but no sympathy, kwim?

Here's the stuff on the NC letter...


Okay...Will you type this up tonight and give it to your wife for her approval? It needs to go out A.S.A.P....Please let us know when it does...We will keep riding you until it goes out...Same goes for the MB Weekend...How soon can you get that booked? Also, how about a call to Steve Harley?

Mrs. W

I'm assuming since you don't even mention the paternity issue, that she was pregnant before your affair? Maybe she told you so you could forego protection?

After being betrayed in the worst way possible, you still justified sleeping with the pregnant wife of another man? This is the most disgusting story I have read in my nearly 2 years here.

Maybe I overlooked it, but I didn't see anything about the OW's BH being informed. Who gets to do the honors?

Hey I remember you. You had a horrible OM and a horrible WW. I know there were some heated posts regarding this. I always wondered what happened to you.

Your WW did flaunt her affair and quite honestly was very horrible to you. In the end it appeared that you saved her from the OM and so in effect you won.

Do you think the fact that she humiliated you and did treat you so bad that when you got her back you turned angry and ended up in a affair of your own? I am sorry for what you both are going thru but I do remember her as really treating you like crap. I did marvel at how you wanted her back so bad that it did not seem to matter to you. That is why I am kind of shocked that you went out and had an affair. How did that happen??

One of the reasons why I divorced was I knew I did not want to live with the anger. Can you tell us how you ended up in an affair after what you went thru? I can kind of understand why but I guess I am curious.

This is both a huge red flag for me as well as an oxymoron.

Red flag because any desire you have toward trying to help her marriage keeps you emotionally tied to her. If her marriage is flawed, that's her problem to deal with and not yours.

Since you are having an A with her, any contact you have with her cannot possibly help her M - all you can do is destroy her M if you haven't done so already.

If A is only five weeks, I'm guessing baby is not yours?

Oh and if you thought you were trying to help her M by having an affair with her, you really aren't qualified for the job.

Recuse yourself.

Fallen: Sorry you are here. But I have to respect the fact that you are willing to come here in midst of the fog and withdrawal and seek help. Good for you.

I'd also like to know how you got yourself down this road after being a BS yourself. As someone who is trying to recover from Affair #2 I sometime wonder if I might slip in the future...

Let your experience be a teacher for the rest of us...

You've been here long enough to know the deal.

NC.

Expose yourself to OWH.

Expose to your WW/BW.

Get a new job. Your WW/BW will never know that there will be NC at work. With the OW working in another state had no negative impact with you having contact and banging the OW.

Denial is not a river in Egypt. You know these things have to be done. Stop wasting time.

When did the OW get pregnant, before during or after the affair?

Don't remember your story if you or anyone could post a link it would be nice.

As you should also know being a BS first do not allow you to cut some slack now that you are a WH. You know it is required for you to do all of the things I have listed.

BRAKE CHECK.....
The OW has a two year old child with her husband.... She is not prego!!!

Regards,

Mr.FH

Perhaps you should have written that she had children then, not that she was "with child".

You avoided the other question though. Does the OWH know about the affair? If you are going to post to your thread, post something of substance, not trite rebukes.

Oh yikes. I remember you and I always wondered what happened to you. I am so sad to see you back under these circumstances.

Not to beat you up -- but didn't you learn what it takes to have a great marriage during your previous time here? How on earth did you allow this to happen? Didn't you and your wife use MB processes for your recovery?

As a FWS, I have some more bad news for you. You will never stop thinking about OW. That is how very toxic she is to your marriage. That is why extraordinary precautions must be taken.

There will come a time when your thoughts of her become negative rather than romantic. But there will always be a temptation for contact because you wonder. That is why it is so important to affair-proof your marriage.

Very good question why and how did this happen.
1- 100% NOT revenge against my FWW/BS. Not at all. As some of you who remember me, I have an enormous capacity for loving and caring. Probably too much so that I place my needs below meeting others.
2- Moment of weakness.... I am sure we all can understand being vulnerable at time in our lives. I made the choice to be with another woman. It's all on me, I take full respons...
Thinking logically as I can right now, I would say it was completely based on the meeting of needs. Just as Harley points out we all have our own priorities of the 10 most common. I was really starved for several needs to be met. Affection, Admiration, Companionship, and conversation. PA was just a product that resulted from recieving the other four from the OW.
These needs were/are not being met at home. Every man and woman has needs. If they are not met, it will become a test of time to see how long you can fast. For me, I ran out of gas. Became weak and fell. I wasn't looking for an OW. It just happened. The only thing I can attribute this too, is being weak and making a very bad descion.

Yes, I have been a BS... Plan A was the best thing that ever happened to me... I learned so much about how to properly love my wife. Through it all, I am 10 times a better man. It completely changed my life, coming here and learning about relationships. I just couldn't motivate my wife to join me. COMPANIONSHIP...She wanted to file away her affair. Yes, she has many times repented and has been forgiven years ago by me and our families. It's just as she said the other day. She just never really bought into what i wanted for us. She says she held back from 100% loving me for some reason. I think it was a combination of intially not trusting I was for real, and personal issues. This behavior became a pattern for us. We are friends, there is no abusive behaviors. We are great parents and we are so blessed with the best kid in the world. Our relationship is just missing some pieces. I ran into an OW that pushed the right buttons, things fell into place, and I really screwed up. Period...

I am here to straighten out my head so I can plan a course for the rest of my life. I am not here to cry p_ss and moan... I am a pretty direct guy that needs goals, structure and normalcy in my life. With out it, I am fish out of water. Which is where I am right now.

Thanks in advance for everyone's support...

Well I am going to rain on your parade just a little:


You are not great parents when you BOTH put your child's family and security at risk. (not doubting the "best kid" part of your statement.) Think back. Did you really believe your wife was a "great" mother when in the middle of her affair? Who came first -- the mother or the child -- in that case? And now you. You're no better.

Part of the MB program was learning to protect your vulnerabilities. Didn't you recognize the start of the affair?
Or did it just feel too good to stop? (I guess at least now you may have more empathy for your wife in how easy affairs are to start and how difficult they are to end...)

A little more rain:


You say this as if it should be admired. Didn't you learn that having a rampant GIVER is just as toxic as a rampant TAKER.
These things MUST be in balance. This is something you need to CHANGE about yourself. It is one of the reasons you became vulnerable to an affair. It is a FAULT -- not something to be admired.

And on stopping your affair?

Cold Turkey.

It is VILE. Stop it immediately. Do not accept one more single phone call/text/meeting/gift/blah blah blah.

Write the letter you wish your WIFE would have written to OM.
About your precious wife and child and how important they are to you. About no contact ever ever again.

And since you are such a giver -- don't think about yourself, and how much you'll miss her, or how hard it will be.