Hi Zip,<P>I am really glad about the news, it is certainly a move in the right direction. The sledding will still be tough but at least everything is out in the open. I am curious about OM, where is he in all of this? Also, was OM's wife mad? Did she believe the story or think it was someone playing a joke? <P>Best thing is for you and your wife to have some close times together. Let her talk, develope a cameraderie. Also not a bad idea to gang up on OM, if possible. Might not work in your case but was recommended to me by my therapist and was great advise. Nothing overt, don't really DO anything to him , it is just between my husband and me but we TALK negatively about OM so that we are both against him.

Way to go, zip! <P>Look forward to a progress report. It's great that it worked out that somebody else broke the news. That seemed to protect you a bit from being "the heavy".<P>Wish I knew about the posts on MB before I confronted the OM in my situation. Perhaps I would have approach his wife and had the success you seem to be realizing.<P>All the best -- keystone

Man what a day. Between work and everything else this can ware a man down. Wife called OM today and told him not to call her and not to expect any calls from her to him. OM's wife came by my office today and is really shook up. We compared notes and both have felt like something has been going on for the past 8 months. She has felt the distance as have I. I am a little further ahead as far as recovery then she is. Also OM will not admit that there was anything more then a friendship. That is killing her.<P>OM's wife called my wife today needed to talk to her. Gave her the riot act and really made my wife feel even worse then she does. She is really racked by guilt. Her mom is in town and is just getting caught up on all this stuff. Overall my wife has been very honest and things are moving forward. I knew this thing was going to blow up at somepoint. It was good to talk to OM's wife. I told my wife that I needed to do that and hear what she had been thinking also

"Truth or Lies" I guess is getting closer to the truth. Congratulations.<P>Hey, zip. Wasn't their something about this guy being "Mr. Mom" and a playgroup with your kids? What's the plan there since it seems that all contact between your W and Om must be cut off!!

Keystone,<P>They are going to switch every other week. Also OM's wife is going to try and switch their son to AM pre school.

Hi Zip,<P>I know this is all really tough but it is better than what was going on. The best thing is that your marriage is being saved.The OM didn't tell his wife that "Yes, I love Zip's wife and we are leaving our spouses for each other." In fact, both your wife and OM are breaking contact and beginning to work on marriages (even though it may not feel like it). It sure could have gotten worse! All of this is really good news even though it does not feel like it because it all hurts so much. I am so glad that the OM's wife knows!!!

Bonny,<P>Thanks for the note. Things do feel like they are moving forward. Wife has been really good in sharing her feelings. Still wounder at times if she has told me everything. But maybe everything will come out in time (though it does feel like she has told me so much). Go through a whole bunch of emotions during this and have a very hard time trusting her. I want to give her some rope but it is still very hard to do that. The best thing is that the OM's wife knows about it she is working hard on this thing also. I think the shame of the damage done is really working on my wife. How long does it take for someone on both sides to get over this. I sure there will be good days and bad days.

I think everything is starting to settle in this week. You know part of the problem now is that we are both hurting. She is from the past and her EA. Me for the EA. I don't know if other women have gone through this or not. But it is almost like we are both afraid to admit our wrongs of the past in full. Meaning that we both are wanting each other to understand our hurt to get over everything. I think my wife is very worried that this will hang over her head forever and I am worred about admiting to everything also because I am worred that she will hang everything over my head. I won't let that happen. But she can let go of what has happened with us in the past. She keeps hanging on to that saying that she had shut down in the past and can't get over that. <P>She is much better now that things are out in the open. OM's wife has gone off the deep end calling me and telling me how she is hurting. I have suggested that she and her husband work on their marriage and we on ours. She confronted my wife early last week and really laid it on her with guilt. It made my wife feel really bad. But as you know there are good days and bad days. Still not that closeness that we need to get to. But better then before. I am sure that this has been even harder for her.<P>I would like to have her and I just go out on dates. She does not seem ready for that yet. Why do you think that she keeps going back to what has happen in the past. I have made improvements in myself and treatment of her. I don't think that she feels safe yet with me and probably did with the OM. There was no judgement during the conversation and they where both going through the samething. This will be an interesting week since I will be gone some of this week and her mom has gone back home. Talked to Harley on Friday he is very good. Told me that niether of us have validated each other feelings and that is why we are still hurt. He said stay in plan A and there needs to be a plan for restoring love into the marriage not just resolving conflict. We have a conseling session on Thursday and am beginning to wounder of this lady knows what she is doing.<P>All in all things seem to be a little better after everything has sunk in. Still a ways to go.

I wish someone would give my w HELL. om's wife called her a couple times a few weeks ago and siad she forgave her and wanted to go to lunch. w also told me om's mother called to see how she's doing. What's up with that ?<P>I'm lucky if anybody checks on me. She's the betrayer and even the others betrayed call her!

RWD -- <P>I'm with you. I, too, wish somebody would give my W hell. All of her friends have come to support her in, in turn, dish me. As I want to point out (but here comes another LB), alot of her close friends are recently divorced. How's that for a support group!<P>Zip --<P>At least you guys are communicating as a couple and appear to be aware of things. Maybe you're both not ready to admit everything yet, but at least the door is open. Hang in there.<P>-- keystone

Yea OM's wife came over last Monday when my wifes mom had just got into town. Brought over gifts that we had given to her kids and pictures to give back. Told her that she would never be her friend and was really pissed that she went behind her back. All of this with her mom inside not knowing what the heck happened. Funny thing is the next couple of days after that I think her mom told her that OM's wife needs to take care of her biz and we need to take care of our biz. Not bad advice but I can sure understand where the OM's wife is coming from after we compared notes.<P>I will say this to anyone on this board. GO to the OP's spouse and lay the cards on the table now. Walk don't run. OM's wife told me that there where so many times that she wished that she had come to me. The stories where all too similar with the distancing etc. I only wish we would have done this sooner. If you are thinking something the chances are so is the other person. I needed an ally and got one with her. The whole thing looks very messy right now to my wife.

I understand your support of going to OP's spouse. I don't disagree at all. But, here's my dilema: What happens when the your W's "best friend" is the OM's wife? I don't feel I can go there, since I don't have much repore with her. Also, I made the major LB mistake of the century by confronting the OM. I think I've blown my window of opportunity. Now what??<P>-- keystone

Keystone,<P>I confronted OM two months ago. I just confronted OM's wife. We are not that close either. But we did have something in common and had both been thinking about it for many months. Everyone told me to go to his wife. Go for it man blow the top off it. The best defense is a good ofense. It is never too late. I was not happy to hear about the EA. But I was happy to hear that I finally was not imaging things!