I'm not looking forward to posting this, I'm afraid it is going to turn out to be very lengthy, thanks ahead of time for reading it.

I met my wife almost 10 years ago. She was 16, I was 20, we met through mutual friends and connected almost immediately. We began dating and after 2 years I asked her to marry me. 3 years to the day of our first date we were married, she 19, me 23. We had a great relationship, very loving, lots of activities together, but still space to be ourselves. We had disagreements from time to time but always talked them out, and only ever yelled at each other once or twice and always made up right away.

Late spring of 2008 we had a fight after she stayed out much later than we had agreed upon. She then stated that she didn't know if she loved me anymore. I was devastated, but determined to keep my marriage together, the love I have for her is extremely deep. I basically begged her to let us work on it and she agreed that we should do whatever we can to make our relationship better. I considered counseling but then I found MB! I dove in right away, educating both of us on the basic concepts, emotional needs, ect. We completed the emotional needs worksheets and discovered right away that we were both coming up short on meeting the others needs. I needed more affection from her and she required more support from me, financially speaking.

Since we have been together I have worked part-time, she has worked full time. She always had a better job than I did but I still managed to come close to matching her income, she out-earned me by 10-20% maybe. Since she agreed to work on my need for affection I agreed to straighten up and attempt to find more gainful employment. I didn't pressure her, never pushed her, just worked on doing what she wanted me to do, and about 4 weeks into that crisis she came to me and did and said things that made me think that things were much better. I waited for her to make that move and when she did I asked her if she thought everything was ok between us, she said she believed it was. We agreed that prior to me finding another job it might be nice to take a vacation together, we had not had one in almost 5 years! So the second week of September we spent an entire week at a very nice condo on Table Rock Lake in Missouri. The vacation was great, and things were very good when we returned as well.

I put my resume together and applied for dozens of jobs starting in early October. I began changing the shift I was working so that I could be home more when she was. I only was offered one interview by mid-November and did not get the job. Meanwhile she quit her job as an office assistant and started working full time at the local bar where she had previously held a part-time job for extra spending money and stuff. By December she had another office job and I had informed her that I would begin my job search in earnest again after the new year. At the end of December she quit her job again and returned to the bar to work full time. I was put off, here I was trying to find a better job and changing the hours I was working to that we both had day jobs and there she was working 4 night a week until the bar closed. I didn't begin my job search again because I didn't want to work a 9-5 while she worked second shift. She started to talk about staying at the bar for a while, she was having fun working with her friends, and felt like she was having some of the fun she had missed out on early in our relationship because she was working so hard to help us get a house and begin building a life. I was again put off, I was about to turn 30, we had plans to pay off our debt and get a bigger house then start a family, at least one child, and now she wanted to party and work at the bar. I went along with it, hell, I told her I would support her no matter what she wanted to do. If she wanted to "goof off" for awhile that was ok with me, and she made it clear that is what she wanted.

At the same time though things were changing between us rapidly. The extra affection she had been showing me all but vanished. She began staying out later than she said she would, in fact she never came home when she said she would. I had to twist her arm to get her to do things with me. She began guarding her cell phone, which was very strange because I have never once asked her to see her phone or tried to look at it without her knowledge. The home phone kept "becoming unplugged" which angered me because I was worried I might miss a call about a job, but she insisted she wasn't unplugging it. On Feb. 4th she went out in the evening to have ONE drink at the bar with friends, she didn't return home until I had called her about 4 times, it was 2 am by then. We had a fight, she was very drunk, we said mean things to each other, and some of the things she said to me made me think she was seeing someone else, or that she wanted to leave me. Like always though, we apologized to each other the next day, and she insisted that we should just forget about it. She promised to come home when she said she would be home and I promised to not get so worked up when she wanted to hang out with friends.

It didn't work well though, the tension between us seemed to be building, I felt like she was hiding things from me and for the first time ever I had very real thoughts that she was cheating on me. I trusted her to a fault though, and tried to rationalize my fears as paranoia due to us not getting along super great at the time. I finally broke though, when she asked me what was wrong I told her that I was scared to death that she wanted to leave me. She consoled me right away and said " ...no baby, I'm not going to do that to you, you don't have to worry about that." I pleaded with her for the truth, and she promised that she was telling me the truth. That was Feb. 9th. All that week I felt great, she was coming home on time, we even made love for the first time in 4-5 weeks. We made plans to have a grand ole Friday night together, have some drinks with friends, maybe rent a movie for just the two of us to watch at home. Friday afternoon, the 13th, I called her from work to verify our plans for the night, she stated that now she wasn't sure what she wanted to do but that she was taking her father to the bar at 4:30 for dinner. I told her that I would be home at 4 and I would love to join them, I asked her to pick me up at 4:30 and she agreed. Then I found out.

Right at 4:30 she walked through the door and bluntly said " I'm moving back in with my parents ". I was stunned. I begged her to tell me why, to tell me what was wrong, and so she did. She said she didn't love me anymore, I said I thought we were doing better, she said we were and she didn't know what had changed, but then she told me what had changed...she said she had fallen in love with another man. I freaked out. I asked her if she had been seeing this OM, she said yes, I asked for how long, she said a month ( matches up with the start of her odd behavior ), I asked her if she was sleeping with the OM and I was rocked when she said yes. She reluctantly told me who it was. I local man 4 years my elder who was a regular patron at the bar. I begged her to tell me why, to tell me what he gave her that I didn't, to tell me what she wanted from me, I would do anything. She had no answers and so I told her to get out, and she left.

I was shook to the core. I took defensive measures right away. Changed the locks. Canceled her credit card. Removed all her pictures from the walls, I couldn't stand to look at them, I was so angry. I called her parents and told them that whenever she wanted to come get the 90% of all her clothes and other belongings that she had hastily left in our home to simply call me I would be sure to be there so she, or they, could gather her things. I then fought the urge to call her, I didn't speak to her again until Tuesday when she agreed to come to the house to talk. Over the weekend I gathered more info on the OM. He was married with two kids ages 7 and 5 I think!!! He lives here in town and works as a laborer for the city. When she came over Tuesday I asked her the tough questions, how many times did you cheat on me? ( twice she said ), when did you cheat on me? what makes you think you are in love with this other man who you hardly know? She said she couldn't explain why she felt the way she did but that she knew it was real. I calmly expressed to her how angry and hurt I was and that I probably should hate her for what she had done to me, to us, but that I didn't, I still loved her and I wanted to try to work this out. I asked her if she would like to remain at her parents house and we would have a trail separation. My only requirements were that, A) She not date or sleep with the OM, B) She continue to pay her half of the bills so I could keep our household in one piece, C) She tell me how long she wanted to be apart from me before revisiting the subject, and D) She truly take the time for herself. I asked her to think long and hard before answering, and I told her that if she didn't think she could do it, or just didn't want to do it, not to agree to it. She thought about it for what seemed like an eternity and finally said "ok". I said ok? Are you sure this is what you want? She said yes, I asked her to repeat the terms of our separation to me and she did, " We'll be apart for one month, I won't date or sleep with another man, I'll pay half the bills, and I will take the time for myself and not worry about anything else." I was relieved, we now had a plan, it sucked telling her I wouldn't call her, or come see her, but I really wanted her to have the time that we both thought she needed to sort her feelings out. And so began our separation.

I had all of one good day before I realized that there was no way I could go 30 days without speaking to her at all. She was still working at the bar and I knew the OM would be there and I didn't feel it was fair for him to get to see her while I sat at home and waited. I was also starting to feel guilty. I began to realize that I hadn't met the needs that she told me she had last spring. I had so much to say but didn't want to break my promise of leaving her be. I finally decided I would write her a letter, that way I could lay out all the things I wanted to tell her in one place. In my writings I took responsibility for not meeting the needs she told me she had. I thanked her for making the changes she had made to meet my needs. I told her I was not going to beg her to come back, but that I was truly in love with her and believed that I could forgive her, and that while she was taking this time away from our relationship I wanted her to know that she had a home to come back to if she wished. I also told her I didn't think it was fair for me to not have any contact with her at all when I knew she was see the OM around town and at work, so I asked her if we could visit every couple days, just for 30 minutes or so, just so I wasn't left abandoned throughout all this. I delivered the letter to her parents house Thursday before I went to work, then waited for her to call. She sent my sister a text message later that day stating that she had read my letter and that she planned on calling me Friday.

Thursday night my sister went to the bar with a friend to have a drink. I was crushed by what my sister told me Friday morning. The OM was at the bar all night and my wife was behaving as if they were boyfriend and girlfriend. If that wasn't bad enough my wife showed up at an after party were she knew my sister would be holding hands and kissing on the OM. I called my wife right away to ask why she had agreed to the terms of the separation if she was just going to violate them almost right away but she didn't answer. That lie and the way she was flaunting what she was doing right in front of my family made me wonder what she had told her family. Friday I spoke to both her father and mother on the phone. Father said that she had informed him that we were getting a divorce, ( she has never once used that word around me ) and father knew she was seeing another man but did not know that OM was married, ( allegedly separated from his wife, but my wife told me that so it may or may not be true ) also did not know that she had committed adultery with the OM. Father basically told me that if I really loved her I should just let her be and that if we are meant to be together she would come back to me. Father said that despite her statement that she was no longer in love with me and that we were getting divorced she had made no attempt to seek legal counsel and made no mention of retrieving all of her belongings from our house.

Mother was shocked to learn the extent of the relationship with the OM. Mother was also surprised to here about the our separation and the terms of that deal, wife had not spoken a word of it to either parent. I told mother the reason I was telling her these things was that wife had done nothing but lie to me and I wanted them to know the truth. She just sighed and said " I know honey, I don't know what she is thinking, you know she has a mind of her own and I know that she has been lying to me and her father but her father refuses to see that." I told her of the terms of our separation and that she had already broken them, and that I was worried she wouldn't pay her half of the bills, which I cannot pay on my own, and that it would hurt both of us if she did not. Mother said she would talk to her about it. That was Friday, it is now Sunday night and I have not heard from any of them. No effort to get her stuff, no call to state that she was getting a lawyer and ending this thing for good, nothing.

My sister had friends in from out of town and they went to the bar Saturday night for drinks. OM is now working at the bar with wife. Wife and other man spent all night trying to talk to my sister and her man like they were all old friends. My sister got the distinct feeling that wife was trying to goad her into a fight so she finally offered to fulfill that wish and had to be removed from the bar by her fiance. After the bar closed wife sent sisters fiance a text message apologizing, but we all got the feeling that what she was really trying to do was get under me and my sisters skin by still trying to be friendly with him. He told her he didn't want to be involved with it and that he was done talking to her for the night.

Something clicked with me Saturday. I feel now like this is beyond saving. Wife seems to have absolutely no intention of working this out, she has pretty much told everyone in town as much, everyone but me that is. Do to our financial arrangements, everything being pretty close to 50/50, I cannot wait to see what she is going to do next. Everyone around me is telling me it's over, they all say this after talking to her. They have talked me into filing for divorce and have agreed to that because I don't feel like I have a choice. If I am not going to have the life I dreamed of with her I don't want to start my new life with late bills or burdened with more than my fair share of our 14000$ in debt.

My plan right now is to speak with a lawyer right away. Find out how quickly I can file, and what my expectations should be when I do. I plan on speaking with my wife one more time before I make the filing official. I haven't rightly asked her if she wants to get divorced, I thought it would only be fair to give her one last chance to think about whether or not she really wants to end our 10 year relationship. I just know that due to the addiction she has to the OM that she isn't really thinking about the rest of her life, she is just thinking about what is making her feel happy right now. I feel stuck, if I don't file for divorce my parents will be reluctant to help me financially, and without someone's help I am going to be in a very bad spot.

I knew this would be a long one, and I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. I'm sure I have left some stuff out and I am looking forward to any questions you could pose and any advice that you can give, thank you all so very much. -JG

I suspect strongly, especially because of her age (at least 28 now, right?), that this is lust, not love but that she thinks it's love because it's just more socially acceptable for women to feel love as opposed to lust. But sometime in their 30's - (and for some women it can start in the late 20's) women go through hormonal changes that make them think more like men do when they are 18. You guys have just been together too long and this guy is married with kids - it just doesn't seem plausible that this is the real thing. If she does leave you for this guy, first of all he won't necessarily leave his wife, but even if he does, she will get tired of him after a couple of years, maybe even months, when the honeymoon phase fizzled out. So I say if you still care about her don't give up.

But you made some mistakes in letting her have "space" - that's just code for time with the other man. You really need to get "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley and read the articles on plans A and B. It's tough, though, because you have to strike a delicate balance between making yourself as appealing as possible but also trying to set some limits on her destructive behavior. And it might help, after you educate yourself, to educate people who might be useful in helping to pressure her to end the affair. And definitely talk to his wife!

Thanks for the response. She is turning 26 in a couple months. I am sure she is not in love with him. I tried to explain to her that what she was experiencing was a crush, lust, not love. I told her the truth, that over the last 10 years I too have had a crush on someone else, but that I never acting on those feelings and within a short period of time those feelings faded, and that having things like that happen to me always made me realize how special what we had together really was.

I do want to contact his wife. My wife claims that they have been separated for a month and that they filed for divorce last week, but I am highly suspicious of everything she says now, of course. I wonder if she is just flat out lying to me, or if possibly he has lied to her. However, both myself, my wife and this OM have lived in this town all of our lives, and with one grocery store, 2 gas stations, a couple eateries, one bar, and a population around 5000 it would be next to impossible for his wife not to know exactly what's going on. I managed to find her name, and their address, but no phone number. I also have seen his vehicle at that residence so I don't know if he is there by himself, like she moved out, or if they are there together, or what. It's easy enough to know when he is at the bar, flirting with my wife, which would give me opportunity to stop at that house and see if she is home. Thinking about it makes me really nervous though. What do you say to someone in that situation?

My wife has told me how bad she feels about harming not only my family but his as well. When I asked her what the two of them planned to do now she replied that "Right now we are just trying to deal with these messes that we have caused." Right after she told me that she told me that the OM was separated from his wife and according to her their separation occurred the same week that they first had sex, so I don't know if they split because the OM wife found out, or he told her, or if he just banged my wife as a little celebration after telling his wife he was leaving. I know I have to at least introduce myself to this OM's wife and make sure that she knows what is going on, but I can't help but feel like that makes me look like some kind of drama queen, which is how I feel like my wife is acting, and I want to be better than that. So what should I do?

You can not believe the OM when he say's him and his wife are separated or getting a divorce. OM are liars.

You can not believe what a WW say's about the status of the OM's marriage because WW's are liars.

The only way for you to help yourself here is for you to expose the OMW.

Roger that. I am nearly certain considering all the lies I have already been told that at least some part of the story is yet to be discovered. But what if this woman is not living at that residence? If she moved out I don't know how I would find her. If she is there when I go by what do I say to her? You don't know me, but I know you and I know you because your husband is sleeping with my wife. It just seems like the most awkward thing ever. How might she react? If she already knows will she be mad at me for trying to talk to her about it? If she doesn't know will she believe me when I tell her? How will the OM react? In this small Kansas town it is not uncommon for issues like this to be resolved with a good old fashioned beating, and while I do know how to handle myself he is a good foot taller than me and outweighs me by at least 50 pounds! The way things work around here if he did assault me he would most likely be released from the local PD without even being required to post a bond. He works for the city and is also a volunteer firefighter, so he has many friends who could help keep him out of trouble.

How should I expect my wife to react? I wouldn't even ask that one but it sure seems like almost all of these things follow a very distinct pattern, so I figure there is probably some typical reaction from the WS right? Thanks again for the replies, I really appreciate it!

I hate to say it, but, that's exactly how you tell her. You can think about 50 different ways that you would want to tell her but it all boils down to that it's going to hurt no matter how you tell her. As far as the OM is concerned, who cares what he thinks cause he certainly doesn't care about you. If he comes after you, people are going to find out why and might not be as supportive as you think. Also, if he comes after you, (doubtful) but it might make your wife think twice on the guy she currently "in love with". "Why is he going after Kansas after he told his wife? How come he's so upset? Is he still in love with his wife?" Sorry about your situation.

Some thoughts:

1. Your WW's A has quite likely gone on a LOT longer than just a month. WW's lie. Get used to it. I'm going to guess that it dates back to almost a year, when she started wanting to spend more time at the bar (translation: wanting to spend more time with the OM).

2. You've done a lot of things to push your WW away. Things like trying to "educate" her, acting needy, and making demands rather than thoughtful requests.

3. Entering into "agreements" with WWs makes absolutely no sense. A WW is an addict, and the addiction is the A. Trying to get an addict to agree to an arrangement that involves them staying away from their drug is usually an exercise in futility.

4. Exposure can be a powerful tool to bust up As. Unfortunately that tool may not have much power in your case, as it's been used in dribs and drabs, rather than all at one go (the quicker exposure happens and the wider the target area, the more effective it is in busting As). Contact the OMW. Quite likely she knows about the A, perhaps more than you do. Expose anyway, and compare notes. Then, expose completely to your WW's parents, so they know exactly what is going on.

5. If you do wish to get your WW back (and I can't imagine why), it's time to practice Plan A. If you're not sure what you want to do, practice Plan A anyway.

Well I attempted to contact OMW this morning while I knew he was at work, no one was home however. I drove by again this afternoon and didn't stop because his vehicle was there. Anyone else I have talked to about this around town believes that he and his wife are separated so I think with as often as his vehicle is there she may have moved out. I did find out that for sure he has taken a job at the bar with my wife, so either tonight or tomorrow I should be able to determine that he is at work and I see if his wife is at home in the evening. Still not looking forward to it, but I know I have to talk to her, even if she does know already it's true that she may have some information that I don't.

Thanks again for reading and the replies. All comments/questions are welcome.

There is absolutely NO WAY I could go without having a drink or two at that bar. Every night they are open.

If you can stomach a divorce, do it as soon as possible.

If you can't expose to his wife, then expose to everyone else around him. The bar, his neighbors, and so on...

I'm in Kansas, too...probably in your neck of the woods. Feel free to give the mods your e-mail address, or ask for mine.

If it happens to be a certain bar, I might be able to help.

I appreciate the offer. The reason I haven't been down to have a few drinks is not because of them. I have always drank too much. I don't consider myself an alcoholic because I can and do stop for weeks at a time. I do consider myself a problem drinker though, I never have just one or two, I always get to ten or twelve you know? I'm not a bad drunk either, I don't get mean, or start fights, or say or do things that I regret, I just get hungover. Since all this happened I have only drank once, I got tipsy Saturday night with some family members, it was good therapy, but I have so much going on right now that I just flat out don't have the time or energy to drink like I used to.

For what it's worth my wife never once cited my drinking as a problem. We have always been moderate-heavy social drinkers. We always kept each other out of trouble too, not letting either one drive drunk, or put ourselves in bad situations. I am worried about her now though, now she has no one to answer to if she has too many to drive, and no one to be the voice of reason should she be headed into a bad situation. I know I have confused a lot of people around me by speaking so much about how much I am worried about her, they all think I should be worried about myself, but I care for her so much that I am least as worried about her and the decisions she is making as I am worried about how I feel. She was my best friend for so long that I truly mean it when I say even if she is not going to be with me I want her to be happy, but I know the choices she is making now are only going to bring pain to her, and I would never wish that upon her. Kinda rambled there, sorry about that.

Okay Abandoned in Kansas, STOP, I say again, STOP worrying about her. Whatever she is up to is not within your control. The folks telling you to take care of yourself are exactly right. I guarantee you she is NOT thinking about nor worrying about you. If she gets a DUI so what, it is not you getting the DUI.

I understand that you care for her -- totally normal. If she wakes up, great. If she doesn't, well she's the one running her show, not yours.

Final thought, stay away from the drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and it will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Expose the affair to everyone you know. People don't like to be around that low life stuff and don't think highly of characters who engage in it.

Yup yup, I don't want to give the impression that I am obsessing over her safety, well, maybe a little, but I really don't feel like it is getting in the way of me taking care of myself. I'm getting a little better at not giving her as much thought, but it is slow going after 9 years of her being the thing I worried most about in life.

The alcohol thing is going really, really well. I told my mother last spring when my wife and I had some trouble that I was so scared that if she left me I wouldn't be able to control my drinking anymore. It's been just the opposite so far. A week before she left me I had decided to take some time away from the alcohol so I was ten or so days in when the bombs started dropping. I was worried that it would come off the tracks after that, but here I am another 10 or so days later and still totally in control and wondering what I was concerned about in the first place. Like I posted previously, I am no raging alcoholic, but I certainly had a weakness related to drinking to excess, especially in times of crisis. This time I am doing the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I am using my family and friends to help me through, rather than a bottle, and I thinks I likes it. Thanks for the encouragement.

Well...I filed...paid the retainer...and my steamroller of an attorney had her served 7 hours later. It's a terrible situation, but you have to admire the efficiency.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. On one hand I am relieved, on the other I feel guilty. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, I may not have not done everything right, but I didn't kill this thing....I just didn't have what it takes to bring it back to life. I've reached a place where I don't think I wanted to make it happen. I spent the last ten years trying to make someone happy, I thought it pleased me to please her, and on some levels it did, but how much longer could I have possible kept that up? Uuuggghhhh, I just feel like anything I type right now doesn't make sense, every thought I have seems in total contradiction to the last. Maybe I'll post again in a bit. I did get some interesting information last night from a trusted friend about the other man, and I have a lot of questions about what comes next for me. Maybe after I sort my thoughts a bit more I can express them in a more clear manner.

Ok, I am just not ready for bed, not sure I can be real precise about what is going through my head right now but it just feels so much better to say it ( type it...whatever ), than sit around and think about it. So first a story from last night and then the events of the day and then a bunch of random-[censored] questions that may or may not have anything to do with what I am actually talking about!

Last night I went to the local rec-center and had a killer workout with my sister and her soon to be husband. I have been to the gym with them every week-day since d-day. After that I agreed to accompany sis to our parents house for a little dinner and Jeopardy on the DVR. ( I think my mom cheats and watches it live just to spew out totally obscure answers that a housewife from south central Kansas has absolutely no business knowing, but that is a little beside the point. ) I had to grab some smokes first since I am killing 2 packs a day, up from one, since d-day, so I hit one of the local gas stations first. There a ran into a mutual friend of ours who had unfortunately not yet heard the whole story. After we spoke for a few minutes he interrupted me with a story that occurred to him upon the revelation of the OM's name.

Turns out this friend, PT, we'll call him, had been spending some time with an old high school friend, Girl, we'll call her. Last June they had dinner together and were sharing a couple drinks at her house after her children had gone to bed when she received a text message. After she replied to the message she informed PT that she had a friend coming over...hinthint. PT got the just of it and finished his beer so he could leave her and her friend alone. Before PT left, girl informed him that her friend was going through a divorce and that they had been spending some night time together, you know. Before PT left the house the friend arrived, and who was it that knocked on the door last June, to spend the night in the arms of another woman while he went through this divorce.?.?.?... Well it was none other than my wife's OM!!! I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry, so I laughed. I feel terrible about how badly this seems to be going for my wife, but I have reached a point where I am taking some selfish pleasure in watching this train-wreck unfold before me.

For the record, I know this story seems a little hard to believe. That I would run into a mutual friend who would recall, upon hearing my story, a related story that occurred many months early with no other reason for him to have really remembered it seems a little rare. Keep in mind, town population 5000, most of the players involved in this soap opera have lived within 10 miles of this town for around 30 years, so things like this actually happen all to often, and just like elephants, the people in a small town never forget. So I eat at mom's and return home for bed.

Upon awaking this morning I had an undeniable urge to go go go!!! I had planned on speaking with my wife before I sent the papers to the courthouse, but today that seemed like a bad idea. I was consumed by the thoughts that I was being made a fool. Here I was taking the high road, being the bigger person, the sensible, reasonable man, and there she was ignoring me, flaunting her indiscretions in front of my friends and family and people, who while not all friends, I have literally known my entire life. There was no turning back. I quickly arranged my finances, ( ouch...decent attorneys cost more per hour than the harlots that would have kept me out of this situation! ) consulted my lawyer, established an approximate itinerary for her day, and then signed the papers and set the dogs loose.

By 8:30 the process server I had hired found her at work, despite her desperate attempt to throw us off by not driving her car to work for the first time EVER, not kidding, EVER, she has never not driven herself to work, but she did tonight. Which means someone I have confided in attempted to bend me over, but whatever, I had sex with my wife after she laid with another man, a "friends betrayal" seems petty right now. The temporary orders force her to relinquish her car to me, while I give her the crappy second car and she must pay half the credit bills until the orders expire when the divorce is finalized. Ok, that's what happened today, oh well, then I ate a sancho at sis's house and had a beer with them.

Now here I am. Not as depressed or hurt as I was, but confused and scared thinking about happens next. Maybe for proper advice this may need to move to a different section of the forums? I'm having trouble filling the time. Struggling with feelings of loneliness mostly, after be so connecting to someone for so long I already feel myself seeking. My family, my foundation, my mother and father, brother and sister, they don't know how to help me, how to console me, how to kick me in the [censored] if I need it, none of us have ever been through this before, god bless them they are trying, but they can only do so much. Suggestions? Active support forums for men navigating divorce? I don't feel as bad as I did, but I feel as lost as I ever have...really...really lost.

Quite a few of your actions are way out from the plan. Get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. if your are still serious about getting her back.

Otherwise go to the Divorce section.

I'm confused. Do you not want her back? If you do want her back, what the heck are you doing filing?

And why didn't you expose? Geez, in that town, all you had to do was pay for a front-page ad in the local paper. A lot cheaper than a lawyer.

If you've got the internal fortitude to go ahead with the divorce, I say good for you.

You'll suffer a lot less this way, and she'll get what she deserves. She'll either end up alone or in an awful relationship.

Wow. I'm really surprised you gave up that easily after 10 years. A lot of people here have had much tougher situations and were able to recover their marriages.

Sound advice.

When a WW disrespects her BH to the point of FLAUNTING her A in public in front of his friends and family, ESPECIALLY IN A SMALL TOWN SETTING, then there is obviously little left to recover.

Plan D ... move on ... and don't look back.

I know it has to hurt, but you have just been given the gift of the "rest of your life", without being tied to such a "broken" woman.

Make the most of it!!!

Sounds like you are clear on your path. Some relationships are just not worth trying to recover and yurs appears to be one of them.
Let your lawyer battle for you and maximize your recovery within the law.
You got away from a seriously broken woman and you will not believe how good that will feel in the future. I bet you know the tip of the iceberg re the cheating that has gone on previously.