I found out 5 weeks ago my husband of 23 years was having an affair with a girl half his age. I am told he was never "in love with me" and that he has fallen deeply in love with this woman. Of course I hit the roof, beat him up (I mean it), cried, cajoled, lambasted...everything since that day. Now I am always weepy and not understanding why he won't stop contact. He texted me back in January saying it was all done and over with her. then I found out they are still emailing and texting. He changes his tune and says he never SAID he wouldn't contact her.

This is all getting to be very stupid and though I know they are not having sex, that he says they can never work out together, he can't give me a timeline as to when he will quit contact. He has only had friends listen to him, never ones to give him advice. He has given up his faith, a long time in coming and I knew it was happening, but I am still a christian. He says the most unattractive thing about me is that I am a Christian. He ain't too pretty at the moment, either, with his anger and railing against God, but I am use to that, also.

I have come to the point that I have told him that there will be no sex until he quits all contact, which is hard because they work at same place, not same department. He respects this, even though he has said that maybe that was the only thing holding our marriage together for the time being. I demanded sex for a while because I was angry. Now I don't feel like being a concubine in my own house and want my self respect back. Is it right to deny sex until he gives up all contact? I will sure miss it, lol! I should mention, he is in that affair-fog/midlife crisis craziness which he calls "the perfect storm".

We have had a very difficult life together, losing a child to cancer, many job and career changes, a homosexual teenager. We adopted a little boy, also, who is nothing but a delight at 8years old. I fear that my kids, who suffer some issues already, will go under with this destruction of our marriage. I still love him very much.

Anyway, I like the plan A/plan B approach, though it seems today like the hardest thing in the world to accomplish. If anyone can answer my question about the sex issue, I would appreciate it. thanks for being available. God is good to me today and every day, if I only remember to give it all to him. Julie

What you are hearing is standard stuff from a WS. You will be blamed for everything (we all have been there). Nothing you do will be right. You'll hear that the M has not worked for XXX years. That number will change depending on the WS mood.

They all lie, spend, and deceive. The lies will come fast and furious. Don't believe a thing he is saying about OW. By the way, NONE of this is your fault. Don't beg, plead, cry etc -- it doesn't work (we've all been there).

Your question about sex -- hell, no!!! You don't have any idea where he's been. Get an STD test. Get your finances under control. This hurts a lot, again, we've all been there.

There is nothing you can do to control him or "FIX" the situation. The Plan A stuff is good, but don't become his doormat. I am a huge fan of Expose, Expose, Expose. Let him deal with the cr#ppy mess he's created.

A lot of good folks come to this site -- and they help a lot. Eventually your backbone and brain will show up (took me nearly 5 months) and you will handle this with an approach to is best for you.

Well, I made an appointment for std tests at health department, but can't get in till 3/19. He says girl has only ever been with hubby and asked him if he was "clean" before they did it. I quit my job, part-time dumb job, two days after the day he told me. sorry to not use acronyms, but I haven't learned them, yet. I can't afford right now to get my finances in order, since I do not have any. Many have said to stash some money away in case of emergency.

I did a lot of investigation on him and her after I found out he was still contacting her. I read his love emails and hers to him. I never found out just exactly why he loves her or she loves him other than they are hot for each other. Stupid stupid stupid. He won't tell me anything and got so angry when he found out I got into his gmail account. He will NOT admit that I had that right since he broke trust with me.

But you are right. No matter what I say or do, he still tries to say it was a bad idea to get married in the first place. That he told me 20 years ago he thought he married the wrong person--we were right in the middle of his first year in seminary! Next year our daughter was diagnosed with a spinal cord tumor. How in the world was I to focus on that one-time discussion and remember it after all that time. I am so amazed at this man's illogical thinking. So I play hardball now and pray for strength.

I found out I have a brain tumor, non-threatening, but albeit a tumor. I am very worried about his leaving me with no job or health insurance. I think that is why he stays. OW is basically saying she wants to work on her existing marriage. Why don't they cut it off, then? Stop the texting. He can't even tell me why he won't leave her alone. He's the older one. Is he pressuring her? I think she needs to hurt him or see him as getting creepier and creepier. That's my feeling. Okay, too long of a post. Julie

Don't believe a thing he says about physical or electronic contact. They lie, lie, lie.

His getting mad over "your violation of trust" is classic. They will continue to cast blame upon you, rewrite the marriage history, and demonize you. They go to great lenghts to justify their behavior. Just remember, you did NOTHING wrong. He choose to commit A, not you.

STOP worrying about what he is doing and why he is doing it. Everyone of us has been caught in the analysis trap. You said it yourself, it is illogical -- and it is.

Everyone here will advise you to concentrate as much energy as you can on yourself. I am sorry to hear that you have a medical issue. You may not believe now, but you will get better. It is all baby steps, but eventually you will reach the point where you make decisions that are best for you. Keep reading and keep posting -- there are more than a few wise folks here.

Please read the articles here about Plan A and B. Plan A is all about exposing WH to all the right people.

Expect anger and resentment. Contact OWH and notify him with all the prints you have.

Purchase "Surviving an Affair" Dr Harley.

The other woman's husband already knows. H has told 5 people. I have not been so careful, though I only have told those I know are not gossips. Pastor knows and has met with H. Not much help. Our 2 counseling sessions with my former counselor have been very unhelpful due to the fact that he will only mediate. He says he can't tell us what to do because he can't be both my and H's counselor. I can respect that, but it stinks.

My H in seminary was one no one wanted to be on the other side of a debate with. Funny thing is, he seems to be repeating what his mother did with his father so many years ago. Father believer, mom nominal. She got tired of the preaching (which I NEVER do) and had an affair and married the creep. I did warn H that he could end up like mom, lol! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

But now I have renewed my concern that they could be lying to me and seeing each other. He asserts they are definitely NOT and haven't been "together" for 6 weeks. After the day he texted me saying "its all over and done with her" I found out they were still texting and emailing. His explanation was that he never SAID he wouldn't still talk to her. COME ON! How's a gal to interpret over and done with, anyway????? I wish I could trust him. Anyone got a good reply when he says he can't trust me? He's not gettin' it and not one of his friends, if he even is telling them anything, is telling him the right, logical stuff.
Thanks.

Keep regular contact with OWH. Do NEVER sent WH or OW to this site.

Bottom line is that waywards always lie. Find out what was said to those they exposed it to. Both you and OWH need to get keyloggers, recording devices - Check out SPYWARE 101 on this site.

really, Imagine? Last night he came home very, very depressed. I asked him did have a bad day. He replied yes. No talking, not even to our son. He went to bed early. He got up today, same attitude. I am doing the plan A. Sure makes it easier to live with myself!!! I have prayed, because I have known my husband's mind for so many years, that this girl would hurt him and hurt him badly. He always builds walls against someone he has hurt or who has hurt him. This wall needs to be cement tight. I love him so much and know God loves him much, much more. I am finally seeing how grace is tougher than revenge, and more in line with how God has responded to us.

Don't know if I could be THAT sneaky. I feel I can do that with my son, in whose room I found gay porn today (which I shredded). I will consider it, though, if it goes on and on and on. Hard being almost 46 and competing with someone half my age. But you all have made me understand more the psychology behind an affair. IF not her, then someone else. AND not my fault! thanks soooo much people!!!!!

Jewel, welcome to MB. Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate (more like a platter).

I suggest that you click the notify button below your post and request that this thread be moved over to "General Questions II". There's a lot more traffic there and a lot of the vets hang out over there.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? It's the Bible around here.

Yep, Gen Questions 11 is a sensible route.

His depression is a good sign. This indicates that he is depressed losing OW. Take heart.

I have been away for a while from posting, just riding this out. He told me last week that it was over. He goes from being furious at everything that happens, to being a slug who can't seem to walk from one spot to another w/o shuffling. Very depressed. I am only sorry that he did not have the ****s to end it himself. I am 100% sure she dumped him finally, though he won't talk about it. I have asked for information, but get none. Now I have kept my distance for about a month...no physical contact whatsoever. He reached out a few times in middle of night, but I stayed away. He has to know that he needs to decide that he is staying with me and then court me all over again. Does that make sense?
I read in Surviving An Affair that the BW has to build up his love bank account. How far does that go? I don't know what to do for the guy! Plus I deal with such hard feelings about how I have been treated, what has been said and the risks he took. Ugh. Tell me how to treat him! I stay distant to keep from getting hurt.

Have you confirmed this?

In what way do I confirm? Ask her?

Well how did you find this out?


Who/what was the source? You can always snoop.

He told me it was over. And his reactions prove it to me. 25 years together lets you know a bit about your spouse's emotional health. I KNEW he was seeing someone when he acted out of character. I asked him 2 times before he finally revealed it to me. Its so sad to see him reaching for something that never should have been his in the first place. I am waiting, like God said to, until. God never said to me that I would get my marriage back, but said He would be my Strong Deliverer. I wish I knew what route that would take, but I would not exchange what I have learned about myself and God during this time. Trust and obey, wait. That's what I keep getting during my Bible reading and prayer.
I just miss physical attention right now, but not as much as I thought I would. I want love, romance, all that...but not at the risk of a sexually transmitted disease, loss of self-respect, etc. I would love to know other people's secrets of how to stay strong, tough and in God's presence during such a dreadful experience. He said he never was in love with me...the same old stuff.
I have, though, lost 20 lbs., going from a size 14 to an 8. Not bad. I am getting looks from men, which is flattering, but I want my hubby's attention more. I also have changed jobs and thought about returning to school. So a shake-up has been good in some respects.
I'll stop rambling. If you have ideas on how to know for SURE its over, and think that I may be being duped, which I doubt, then let me know! I want to be as innocent as a dove and wise as a serpent, so to speak. My heart and kids' hearts depend on that!