T2L,

I am glad to see that you are not "jumping for joy".

Someone has just offered you the rabid dog that bites children, who is incontinent and who eats his own feces and then wants to lick your face.

If you are looking for a stray dog to take in, pass this one by.

Personally, I am willing to cut a WS a little more slack BEFORE they leave the home. After you have moved out, terrorized your kids and your BS for months/years... I don't have much sympathy for you. Fog is one thing, when you take it too far for too long, that is something else.

For the record, I had been moved out of the family home for 2.5 years when I begged my BH for a second chance. And like SMB said, it wasn't about MY pain at that point, it was about my FAMILY, and whether I could ever repair the damage that I had done.

Work on your list but keep it close to your chest, poop eating, rabid, kid biting dog isn't ready to hear it.

No, it's not about protecting her. It's about alleviating HIS pain. He IS hurting. And because he is a typical self-centered, selfish wayward, he wants HIS PAIN to stop. If he comes back now when it's still all about his own pain, he will waiver and probably break NC, if he ever really goes NC.

Wait for him to hurt because YOU hurt.

Wait for sweetly broken and wholly surrendered.





No, it's not silly. You recognize that it would be Mr. Wayward coming home, not Mr. T2L. Wait for Mr. T2L, your HUSBAND.





I think the last battle a wayward fights is with his pride. Some will never give up their lover...pride NOT OW.





If you have not sent those conditions, I have something for you to consider.

I wrote my conditions based solely on what I NEEDED from him to be able to consider ever being vulnerable to tst again. Then I put them away in case the "right time" ever happened (and I really thought it never would).

When tst contacted me, it was with an apology letter, a rather detailed, heart-felt one. It had a question at the end about the possibility of reconciling.

The basic message I sent back was, "it is a HUGE risk to open my heart to you again and I am not sure I am willing. What are you willing to do?"

His response, which was the only one I would have accepted was, "I'll do whatever it takes."

So...the time had come...

I sent him my list so that he could see what "whatever it takes" would mean. He replied back, "I will do whatever it takes."

I suggest you hold on to your list of requirements, because I really don't think his heart is ready to receive them. And I believe giving them to early might possibly be a mistake.

So, test the waters with him. Ask him what he is willing to do?

Jean, what an accurate description!






Me, too.





Wow! Jean, I had no idea.





ITA

Given too soon, and he will blow right over it and use it as justification for staying wayward.



You could just respond with...

Please go to (insert link to MB weekend registration) and register us for the Marriage Builders weekend retreat. This program provides the path I need to heal our marriage.

Ooooooooohhhhh.... I *like* this!!!!!!!!!!!!

I *really* like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


...
Also, let me just throw something out there. It seems to me a whole lot of success stories include a false recovery. I know that's painful, but do you think it improves the overall chances of success? It seems there's more cases here of recovery after a false recovery than of Plan D after a false recovery. And a lot of cases of Plan D which had no false recovery... I haven't done a tally, just saying that's how it seems to me.

T2L,

I wouldn't tell him you aren't sure if you are willing to open your heart up to him, because your Plan B#2 has already said that you are willing (which is good).

But I do think that before you give him a list of what you need, I would throw out the question "what are you willing to do to heal our marriage"?

That answer to that question may give you a peak into whether there has been a heart change yet?

If his answer indicates that he may have had the "awakening", then send him what you need and ask him if he will meet that.

I sooooo agree with this.

Ok so hold on to the requirements. I have no idea when he is coming back. I know its between now and April 1st. I don't want him to show up at my door step today with all his stuff so what to do with that?

But this is the bad part, I have had a few conversations with him since Sunday. I know :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

We have had issues with saving our home and on spot decisions that needed to be made that could not have ran fast enough through email or snail mail which is our only form of communication to him at this point. Things like actual caution sale dates within 1 month and legal paperwork that has to be done quickly so the kids and I are not thrown out of the house. It seems for now that with new legislation we may be able to save it.

And in addition to all that, it seems his employer may possibly be going bankrupt so H has been on job search so he let me know about our medical coverage and also weather to expect any money in 2 weeks for basics like food and gas. His employer has not given him any work for most of the week which affects how much financially is give to us in a week and a half. Had I known that little line what are you doing to heal our marriage line I would have used it then.

I think you are right the conditions may be too early to give to him. I just don't want him to show up at the door, as I have no idea when and then tell him. He thinks he's all set to go as I didn't ask to much when he told me. I would rather he had advance notice. If the opportunity presents it self I think I will ask him. That should clear things up right away because as of Sunday he said I'm telling you I am coming home that is a start and I thought you would be glad about it. He may be visiting his kids either today or tomorrow. He asked kids to reschedule his visits the last 2 days because he was sick.

Ask to see his "written plan".

( He won't have one.)

Tell him you want everything "in writing".

Then CLOSE THE DOOR and don't try to convince WH how much you love him as you close the door. That is what you've been doing lately, so stop it now. WH needs to convince YOU how much he loves YOU.

what were the requirements in your Plan B #1 & 2 letters for returning home.

Oooh, deja-vu............

I went into Plan B, complete with letter in September. After WH tryed to break Plan B for several weeks, he went completely dark.

Then, 2 days before Christmas, he called me at work and announced he was in the process of moving back home.

I was deliriously happy until I posted the news here. Melody and others asked if there was no contact with the OW. Of course, that shocked me, because I had emphasized that in my Plan B letter. I assumed that he was going to meet my conditions.

So I took off from work, came home, and he already had his stuff in the house. I asked him about NC with the OW, and he replied that he would work on that AFTER we were back together and reconciling.

I ended up faking him out by going to court that day, trying to get a RO, which was denied. But I brought the denial papers home and waved them at him, and he moved all of his stuff back out.
WHEW, that was a close one.

Just remember, in our state, you can't legally keep him out unless you have a court order.

Puts hands together and bows in acknowledgment of a master. Where's the emoticon for THAT?!

tl

I prefer "sensei."

T2L, my DH said EXACTLY the same thing when he came home for good. I was supposed to be happy that he was coming back.

Oh please please say what Pep suggested about the written plan and emailing it to the IMs. That would be a HUGE test of his intentions.

But i thought if he left the home and has another legal address he has no rights. He has been gone since last May and had a new legal address since August.

If WH moves back in when you tell him you don't want him there - file for a legal separation. Don't discuss it.

I really do not think he will contact the IM's. HE wont. Now I could see him meeting my conditions before I could see him talking to them. He says he is highly embarrassed and he hates others knowing what he has done. What if he came to the door and said yes to all conditions, would I send him away if he didn't go thru the IM's?

But I do like telling him I want to know the plan. Sunday all he has said is I have a plan, let me work on it. I am coming home, I can't give you specifics and right now the highest priority is not this, it's being sure I have employment or I can't feed you guys or have a home for you.

Okay this is a reason I need to ask to his plan now. He can go live at his mothers and did make mention of it when I started asking questions on Sunday. I hate the laws of this freaking state!

No, he can legally come back anytime. My WH had been living in a home he rented with the OW for over a year. But he had the right to move back in our home anytime he chose.

I was just lucky to fake him out. That is the main reason I finally filed for divorce - because my WH felt so entitled to do whatever he pleased. Once I filed, he had to stay away.

YOU have allowed him to be in control again. Of all your head space, of all your emotions, of all the decisions.

SLOW DOWN and smell the chit!

You CAN tell WH to contact IM's - or don't bother!
That was always a condition in your plan B letter!

WH needs to display some form of humility or you are wasting away all YOUR valiant efforts up to this point.

I'm sorry T2L, but don't settle for the fantasy you playing out in your head. Don't let fears rule your decisions. Be willing to only settle for the real thing!

I'm praying for you and your family!