Hi SB,

SexyMamaBear thought I should ask you to please look this email over that WH sent my D. She thought you might have some input.

thank you, Queenie

DD
I know there is no way to ever make amends for what I have done. The trust I broke with you will never be restored. You will always be my little girl. I don't expect to ever hear from you again. I am Solly responsible for what happened. There is no excuse or reason that can explain what I did. Being alone I think over and over what I did. How after I left I was to ashamed to reach out to you. I cant even imagine the pain I have caused you.
Please live the life that you deserve to have. Stay close to your Mom and brothers. You have each other treasure that. I am glad that you are getting better. I know you are getting stronger.
I failed as a father, head of house hold, husband, and a human being. All of which are my own doing. The words are not coming to me to say what I want. There is nothing more I can say except I am sorry fo all I have done.

Love Dad

sorry, bumping for schoolbus....

Schoolbus can do the special, magic translation that I wish I could do.

However, the nuance-free translation I can help a little with. It sounds to me as if he is beginning to experience some genuine regret, and beginning to see the level of damage he has caused.

He also comes across as a bit "nobody loves me everybody hates me I guess I'll go eat worms..." (Edited to add: This is because he beats himself up, yet without being ready to wade right in and do whatever it takes to start making up for how evil he's been. That should come with time.)

Overall, I would say it's a good start to getting his marbles back. It would be expecting too much for him to de-fog all at once.

(((Queenie)))

I feel like crying just reading that email...it's very short, and I agree with Neak, that it does sound like he may be experiencing some regret.

That is GOOD. Have you considered calling SH to see if a re-delivery of your PBL might be in order?

<In regards to SB...she is having some family issues to deal with so is not around much...keep bumping this for her, however...I am sure she will answer it when she can.>

Oh, Queenie. That just about brought tears to my eyes. Yes, it is a bit pitiful as he won't do the REAL work right now.

But I would take this in a heartbeat for my DD15, whom her dad never sees and completely ignores because she won't tolerate OW.

I WISH he could apologize to her and take SOME responsibility. It would go so far in bridging the gap he created.

Thank you for sharing.

[TJ]

Schoolbus,
when you get around to it, it would be very cool of you could tell how you became so gifted in translating these things. Did you do special courses or read certain material or....?

[/TJ]

SB has an advanced degree in linguistics, or forensic linguistics, forget which one.

Neak < - - - green with envy

bumping for schoolbus....... thank you for your patience with me on this folks....

[color:#FFDD
I know there is no way to ever make amends for what I have done. The trust I broke with you will never be restored. You will always be my little girl. I don't expect to ever hear from you again. I am Solly responsible for what happened. There is no excuse or reason that can explain what I did. Being alone I think over and over what I did. How after I left I was to ashamed to reach out to you. I cant even imagine the pain I have caused you.
Please live the life that you deserve to have. Stay close to your Mom and brothers. You have each other treasure that. I am glad that you are getting better. I know you are getting stronger.
I failed as a father, head of house hold, husband, and a human being. All of which are my own doing. The words are not coming to me to say what I want. There is nothing more I can say except I am sorry fo all I have done.

6666] [/color]


Probably one of the more honest apology letters you could get. There is nothing there to point to that comes across as dishonest or blaming.

Here is the undercurrent: Please tell mom that I'm sorry. He says it as the third thing - that's where your name comes in. The opening concept focuses directly on the apology. Second comes a change to his talking about how he came to be thinking about this whole thing - being alone, thinking it over, and reflecting on what has happened and why. THIRD - is you and the family - and when we look at things it is often the third idea or third thing on a list that brings the heart of the matter. In this case it would be the mention of his wish that she stay close to you - a veiled message with undercurrents to let you know the content of his heart. Additional supporting evidence of this is that this comes in the "sandwich" paragraph - the middle section after he presents his opening and square in the body of the letter where it looks to the casual reader as an embedded thought and not the main idea. Most folks consider the opening as the main idea, but often this can be embedded when being presented psychologically as an undercurrent without the writer even knowing it.

If you don't believe me, note the four things he listed where he failed! Father, head of household, HUSBAND, human being. Interesting, isn't it?

He couldn't avoid it. Watch TV shows, and see if the third thing they mention is the solution to the crime, the third picture they pick the criminal, the third place they search where they rescue the victim.....just watch for that pattern. Interesting piece of human nature. Occurs more often than you might think. And hard to beat us when we're watching for it.

He is sincere. Also, he wrote this when he was VERY DOWN and feeling very alone. He needs her to respond, and is ready for her to offer some hope that he could see forgiveness in this life. I don't know what situation your daughter is in, but if she were in the mood to respond with at least, "Thank you for the apology, I know that was hard for you to do. I'm not ready to talk yet. If I get to that point in my life, I will let you know." It might at least put him on the path toward his own healing.

SB

Oh - my degree? Not linguistics specifically (they don't call it that, but I have plenty of those courses, for sure!). But I'm not telling either. One part of it is in psychology, though. To tell the rest might compromise my identity.

Apologies for the t/j, Queenie. And wow, Queenie, what a message....Your WH seems full of pain.

School Bus -- You are awesome. You truly have a gift for defoggy the fog. Now can I borrow you.......

Will you do a short one for me? It's a text message exchange between WH and myself today. And if you can't do it, School Bus, I totally understand. Here it is......

Me: Status of tax refund please.

WH: U never respond when I ask a question.

WH: Sooner or later we need to discuss finances. I no u been a busy little bee working and digging up whatever u can find. Just be careful how hard u want to push me. The easier way or the harder way. It will be up to you mostly. All I no rt now is that I have to work harder than before and I am making sure all is paid.

Me: Why all the anger? I just asked a question.

WH: Not angry in the least. Just working very hard. Have a good day.

Me: Leave a check for me or deposit in my checking. Thanks.

WH: For what and how much.
WH: How much is your new job paying per month.

That's it. Thanks, SB.

Oh goodness, SB

You have brought me to tears. I'm truly shaking with gratitude and love in my heart and I can't thank you enough. I love him so much. You see, there is something so incredible wonderful in him and I just want to reach out and hold him and tell him it's so ok. We CAN survive this.

But I KNOW not YET. I don't think you can ever understand the release of emotion you have given me to keep on praying as hard as I can. He is my soul mate, not the love of my life, but my soul mate, he is a part of me that is just missing and I PRAY one day he will be able to come home. I KNEW that my H had to somewhere live inside and I KNEW that if he ever realized what he had done it would HURT him DEEPLY.

I REALIZE he isn't home yet, I realize it may still NOT HAPPEN, but what I KNOW is that deep down somewhere he still loves me.

Thank you so very very much for taking the time to look at his email. I'm sure you know I have questions about what I should do or what can I hope for. If you have any thoughts, I truly welcome them and if not, please know what a gift you have given me.

I'm going to copy what you wrote and send it to her. She is her own woman and will make up her mind what she can do. I don't want to use her, manipulate or anything but let her know how very much a part she can play in healing this family.

Thank you seems so silly to say, but from the bottom of my heart I am truly appreciative of this. Wow....

SB, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with Queenie. When I read her WS's letter it sounded as sincere as tst's was to me. That's why I suggested she put a callout to you.

Queenie has been COMPLETELY dark for a year (in a few weeks), and her WS has pretty much been a walkaway from his family. I know she is wondering if she should respond to WS in any way or if the only response should be from DD.

Care to share your insight?



{{{{{Queenie}}}}}}

Thank you so much Married, Neak and Wildhorses for the comments. I saw them the other day, but I didn't... and I wanted to acknowledge and thank you so very much for the support and input.

Queenie,

How are YOU today?

Hi Kick,

After sobbing to the depths of my heart with gratitude for this gift last night, I fell into a peaceful sleep holding Torah and these two silly stuffed animals Scrappy Doo and Cindy Two that my H and I bought each other when we first started dating.

I am at peace and just grateful for the release of emotion that has happened and feel that I have healed to a deeper level.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to G-d and what is happening and it's not even the outcome anymore it's the journey of watching the goodness happen...

How are you, my friend?

Hi Queenie

I really hope you get some more good vibes sooon

ST

Hi Staytogether,

Thank you for your kind wishes. It's truly in G-ds hands what happens next. I am just completely surrendered to the outcome and at peace with G-d's will for whatever happens.

Doesn't mean I don't have my wants. It just means I have my FAITH to keeping on TRUSTING G-d the way I have learned to do.

Me: Status of tax refund please.

WH: U never respond when I ask a question. I'm going to act like a little teenager for a moment here.

WH: Sooner or later we need to discuss finances. I no u been a busy little bee working and digging up whatever u can find. I know you've been spying on me, going through my paperwork, and it is bugging me to no end. I feel like I have too many skeletons in my closet and I am worried that my efforts to hide things haven't been good enough, and I don't like that you are trying to find things out about my life. I want to do what I want to do.

Just be careful how hard u want to push me. The easier way or the harder way. It will be up to you mostly. This is of course a threat. But, he tries to put it on you - "It is up to you mostly". He's trying to tell you that if you do things HIS WAY then he will play nice. Don't believe him. He is a liar. The threat about being careful how hard you push him is that he is very angry about things, and why he is angry comes in the next paragraph. He's got money problems.

All I no rt now is that I have to work harder than before and I am making sure all is paid. See here? Money problems. That's why he's riled up and angry. His AFFAIR IS COSTING HIM MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR. This was not accounted for in the fantasy. The OW had him convinced this would be all "friendly", and turns out, she was wrong, wasn't she?

Me: Why all the anger? I just asked a question.

WH: Not angry in the least. Nothing like a shot of denial, is there? Just working very hard. Have a good day. I can only imagine the tone of voice or look on his face when this came to mind. The body language DEFINITELY defies the meaning. Sarcasm at it's finest.

Me: Leave a check for me or deposit in my checking. Thanks.

WH: For what and how much. Here is where HE is trying to dig up information on YOU.
WH: How much is your new job paying per month.


And hey, maybe the two of you need to work something out regarding your monthly exchange of money, so he doesn't get information on what you're spending, and so these exchanges don't carve into the love bank deposits.