<BR>Need feedback from others dealing with spouse in midlife crisis.<P>Have been married to W for 25 years, she is 43. She left 5 months ago, saying all the same words that everyone in midlife crisis say during this time. W has filed for divorce.<P>Talke with W recently about divorce settlement issues. During that meeting, I told my W that at times when I have talked with her on the phone, she was crying and sounding like a scared child. She responded that she was a scared child.<BR>She seems to be more lost than when we separated. She said that it felt like she had gone deeper in the woods.<BR>She also said she felt all alone. I think maybe that has to do with her affair with OM who is 13 years younger, he is 30. She keeps him from her parents and family. She has had sex with OM, but says her relationship with him is not about sex. I believe he has filled a need for affection, <BR>understanding of her, and non sexual intimacy.<P>She says she takes one day at a time, because she doesn't know what she wants. She has said that I try to control her.<BR>Any thoughts about wife?<P>

I've been in her place, everything you're saying sounds familiar.<P>Show her loads of love, even if she doesn't seem to want it. Don't continue with D procedings if that isn't what you really want, which will show her that you really care. I think affairs, and especially ones in the middle of mid-life crisis' are a cry for help. Listen to her, be there for her. <P>I don't know the rest of your story, shoulda checked it out first. Are you in Plan-A or Plan-B?? Does she have a desire to end the affair? Are you living apart?<P>Let us know... and best wishes to you as you navigate this difficult road you're both on...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Mid life crisis are very difficult to put it mildly. y H is in one. A good book to read is MidLife Crisis by Conway. It explains what is going on. Also check out the threads about midlife crisis. There are some web sites lited that might help. Even though it is your W check our the post Midlife crisis and OW and there is one to me SDS about midlife crisis and one I started. I should have checked those out before I started but I think you can find them if not yell. Hope this helps a little. I do know what you are going through, not that it really helps. But sometime knowing you aren't the only one eases the pain a little.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

M Go BLUE,<BR> Are we related? My W is also 43,and her OM is 31,how about that!We been married 22 years,and she moved out several months ago to "find herself".Pretty sure she's living with her trophy boyfriend.She's in some kind of a crisis,and changed her whole personality.We don't talk or see each other.I have learned a lot from reading and "Women in Mid-Life Crisis"by Jim Conway is good.You can order it at:WWW.midlife.com,and this site has info,too.My W also said I was controlling,plus all my other faults.She felt "dead,and empty inside",and getting old,and life was passing her by.Sounds like symptoms of depression,too.She said young OM made her feel young and alive again,like she had woken up.Said she had'nt loved me for years,and our marriage was a mistake.I don't know what the truth is anymore.You've probably have said the same thing I have:"What the hell is my wife doing with a 30-year old?"Right?All I can tell you is to read all the information you can.If you find any answers,would you let me know? --Murph

new_ beginning<P>Answers to your questions.<BR>We are living apart.<BR>W is the one who filed for divorce. I have tried to slow it down.<BR>I am in Plan-A and wondering if I should go to Plan B. <BR>What happened in your situation that made you realize what you were doing?<BR>What things that your husband did that were positive?<BR>What things that yoyr husband did that were negative or pushed you away?<BR>Any suggestions or thoughts on tough love?<P>SDS<BR>Your right. Knowing others have been there before , and can help you through these difficult times, is very comforting.<P>Murphy<P>It does amaze you when you see a post that sounds a lot like your own situation. It seems with the number of affairs, separations and divorces going on, that there are numerous people in the same boat.<P>Would like to here more about your situation. How long have you been dealing with your W midlife crisis?<BR>Did your W

I have been married 25 years. We are 45 and 46. Been together most of our lives. He is depressed. Finally has admitted he needs help. Says he isn't any happier since separation, but doesn't have "in love" feelings for me. He accepted job within company six hours away. Says he is "trying to find a light" and "just wants to rest". I'm trying to love him, but have found myself turning a corner. I know I don't need him but I love him still. I went through early menopause at 41 and experienced some depression, had some sleep problems. I had gained some weight and we were working our asses off on a new house, so it hit me hard to think I was losing my looks. The younger men may make the wives feel more attractive. Hormones play havoc on how women feel about themselves.

M Go BLUE,<BR> What happened to your post?Did the phone ring? I didn't know my W was having a crisis,but there were signs that she was changing.Maybe for the last 4-5 years she had mood swings,got cranky easily,nagged me,and just didn't seem real happy no matter what I did.I put up with her criticisms and teasing,but if I did it to her,the [censored] hit the fan.She also became restless,not being happy with what she had,but needing more.Needing to spend money,being with other people,or having me do something on the house,or yard.She had a very comfortable lifestyle,a nice house,new car,money to spend,nice vacations,and a H that didn't demand that much of her,and did a lot of things for her.But it just wasn't enough.After she left,she told me she just needed more.More attention,passion,sex-who knows?I hope one day,she realizes what a easy life I gave her.Talk to you later. --Murph

M Go Blue,<P>Sorry it took so long to respond, I was gone for a few days:<P>to answer your questions:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What happened in your situation that made you realize what you were doing?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, this is a tough one because I'm still struggling. I think I'm still in the tail end of the crisis. What bothers me most about how I'm feeling is that the "in love" feelings that I had for my H have not returned for almost a year. I remember, almost to the day, when I lost those feeings. I was looking for a soulmate <blech> and thought I'd found it in another man. Now, I'm wise enough to know that there is no such thing as a soulmate. There is only the warped fantasy that became my life. I think the exact moment I realized what I had done honestly came when I hopped in the sack (sorry to be so crass, but I can't call it making love, because it wasn't) with the OM. I did it only once, but it opened my eyes to the pain I was causing everyone.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What things that your husband did that were positive?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>He had a really tough time. He tried to buy me flowers and spend time with me for about three weeks. When things didn't go as planned (I stopped seeing the OM sexually, but still saw him daily because we work together) my H moved out right then and there. He did spend many nights with me anyway, but he was (OF COURSE) very, very hurt and angry. At that point, he couldn't do anything. He just lost weight, became very depressed, and hated me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What things that your husband did that were negative or pushed you away?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Well, I guess I answered that question kind of in the question above. What I can add to it is this: He did not show me love after the intial three weeks. I have told him (and everyone else) that I am jealous of spouses who try to win their spouses back with love (ala' Plan A) because I didn't get that. He is trying to now, but it is very, very difficult for him.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Any suggestions or thoughts on tough love?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, don't try it until you're prepared to play it out. You can cause irrepairable harm once it begins. MHO only.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Sheryl,<BR> While you're on this post....Let me throw something at you.A question,I mean! What do you think defines a marriage,now?I know a lot of people think it means finding your true "soulmate"(aaak),and living happily ever after.I guess(and I told my W this)I felt marriage was more having someone who was always there for you,someone you could trust,take care of you.Also a comfort zone,a "me and you against the world"type of feeling.I gave my W a very comfortable life,maybe too comfortable(I think she took it for granted).It seems now,you look in the bookstores,and a lot of marital books are all about improving your sex life,and bringing back the passion.I'm not knocking sex and passion,but don't you think it's a little over-rated? My W said our marriage wasn't passionate enough,even though I did everything else the best I could.You know,I don't see my Mom swooning over my Dad,but they've been married over 50 years.Do you think too much is expected out of a marriage nowadays? What is the definition of a marriage anymore? --Murph

Murph,<P>Okay, here goes...<P>I DO want the PASSION. I'm so sorry if this sounds cold, but I lost it for my H. Bear this in mind: I HAD IT FOR 15 YEARS. That's longer than most would say is "normal". My H feels the same way, if I may be so presumptuous to say how he feels. We both talk about that a LOT. Affairs are emotional, as well as sexual. Even if it's just emotional, I think that sex plays a part. You dream about it, or fantasize about it... it MATTERS.<P>Yes, the comfort zone is a nice place, and maybe will keep a couple together... but I think, for me and my H, (honestly), that sex is the glue. Yeah, I love the "you and me against the world mentality" but my H and I haven't been a united front EVER EVER EVER. I had to go inside myself and find the strength alone to do some of the more difficult things (like helping our disabled son). And my H and I are total opposites, so I go back to the passion we had. It honestly held us together for years.<P>In the end, of course we want someone to take care of us. But when I was having an affair, I didn't want him (the OM) to take care of me. I wanted him to make me feel beautiful, and intelligent, and sexy. I think it's the nature of the beast, especially during a mid-life crisis (my cliche'). I just wanted to feel special. <P>Now, I think that marriage is a melding of personalities that forms one flesh. We lost that capacity to accept each other the way we are. We simply just LOST IT. I wish we could get it back. <P>I don't know if this helps... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<BR> Thanks for your response.I guess I'm just an old fuddy-duddy who doesn't feel the need for a whole lot of passion anymore.I'd settle for companionship,and someone who's stable and trustworthy.I get the feeling that more women want passion and romance than men do.I think my W is a hopeless romantic,and it got the best of her.I guess I just feel that the passion you had at first isn't going to be there after twenty-some years.Don't you think thats realistic? Do you think that's a real good reason to bail out of the marriage?How were you and your H opposites? My W and I were,too,which I think worked at first for us,but may have drove us apart after time.I think the problem with a lot of marriages,is that you can tolerate your spouse's faults at first,but over the years they magnify,and makes us more critical of each other.You think? --Murph

Murphy,<P>My H is the same as me, passion-wise, that's one way we are the same. So, in our case, it's not a gender thing.<P>It's maybe not realistic, but that's what we want! Both of us. And in both of our affairs, that's what we were looking for... sad, but true.<P>Opposites in every other way:<P>He's republican, I'm undeclaired, he's a hard worker, I'm lazy, he hates to read, I love to read, he is very shy, I'm very outgoing, he collects guns, I hate guns - and the list goes on and on...<P>See???<P>And no, it isn't enough to end a marriage over the lack of passion. In our case, it was much much more than just that.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>