My WH has not stopped the lies. I have not mentioned the "It's over" letter because his main complaint about me and the M is that I control everything. My question about how to get the WS to write the goodbye letter. My husband is still waywardwith the lies. I find a new lie everyday. I think that the A is over. I have told the OWH and confronted the OW. My husband wants to "leave those poor people alone". He said that he hasn't had contact with her since she texted him to leave her alone (right after I called her and told her that I knew everything and would be talking to her husband - I hadn't found MB yet). Any tips? Is it too soon? Is my husband not ready yet? I know that he has lied about other female "friends" and times and dates. He is not admitted anything more. I have to have hard proof to get the truth out of him. I don't think he will do the letter. He wants to be done already.

SS, how many affairs has he had? Do you have children?

He admits to one affair. I think there are more because he had the base hotel number saved on a phone that he hasn't used since 5/08 and he said that this affair lasted only 2-1/2 months. He went to that hotel during this affair. I know that he has no need for that hotel unless he is up to no good. We each have two children from previous marriages that are grown. They do not know about the affair. My children would never forgive him. His children do not have contact with him anyway.

wow, I just caught up on your thread. You are my HERO!! Anyone who has the BALLS to go to the OW's house just to see what she looks like is my HERO!! You killed that affair, girlfriend!

Dang, I want to be just like you when I grow up!

Personally, I would put the letter on the back burner for now because I don't think he is committed to giving up his secret second life.

Do you think he has always had a secret second life?

I have had it on the backburner because I don't think he is "all in" yet either. Too many lies still. As for the second life, I don't believe that started until I went back to work and he had his evennings on his hands. Huge mistake on my part. Thought I could trust him because we had been so strong the first 5 years of marriage. He had always come straight home and we did everything together. I was his dream girl. Once I went back to work, I was working late and gained some weight and he started going out with friends after work and it has spiralled out of control from there. He had more fun with them than he did at home. I am working my a** off to change that and it is improving (I have spent the last 3 weekends in the woods hunting with him). I hope the lies end soon. I think he is still in self-preservation mode. He has been lying for a long time. He avoids confrontation at all cost so I don't think I could get a letter out of him at this point.

Thank you! That was really hard. My heart was beating so fast I could hardly speak when I pulled up to her house and her husband answered the door.

SS, I would just keep working on falling in love again. Can y'all go to a MB weekend? That is the fastest horse in my experience.

Do you have Fall in Love, Stay in Love in addition to SAA?

I think you have very good instincts about this, SS.

I just received my copy of SAA in the mail yesterday and WH rolled his eyes. I would like to go to a workshop but WH thinks that this will "work out" or it won't - that we can't form a plan to fix this. So, I am working on it by myself until he comes around. It is really hard though not to have the AO's or DJ's when I uncover more deception. That is my biggest challenge. Once he comes onboard more, I plan to suggest a workshop. I don't think he is there yet. He still doesn't think that I will ever trust him or love him again - lots of shame. He is very pessimistic. He can't believe that I didn't kick him to the curb. I think he is trying protecting himself (with lies).

SS, can you drag him to a MB weekend? Of course you have to have a "plan" to fix this, it won't get fixed by osmosis. Does your house get repaired on its own?

Most couples that show up there have one reluctant spouse and sometimes they are able to bring him/her around. Even if he doesn't come around RIGHT NOW, when he does in the future, you can pick up on the lessons with Dr Harley and his staff. You will have daily access to Dr Harley.