Cat, don't be too surprised if he still doesn't quite understand. My W pretty much did the same thing, and I listened but didn't feel the same sense of urgency. Mostly because I had seen so much between my parents growing up, that I didn't think we were anywhere near the end. In hindsight, I actually I had gotten more of a cold shoulder from my W. Maybe your H is different but still, I'd make sure he knows just how bad it is by repeating it. Don't let him think this is just going to blow over.

Because she was honest that she is preparing to leave, OH. Your H may well react the same way when you get honest with him that his gravy train is preparing to leave the station.

Others may be reading, too, so I will give the caveat, that in physically violent situations, the violence escalates when the person makes a statement like this, so it's not for those situations. Then you prepare in secret, because it's unsafe to attempt to salvage a situation like that in the home.

Thanks, everyone! Can't talk much, got a lot of work today, but I wanted to reassure you that this was a one-time deal - the blowing up - and that moving forward I'll be very good about doing things the right way.

He is being very nice today.

dkd, just wanted to let you know I'm going to borrow your phrase to give to my daughter. She's going through hot water at school because she stood up to her former best friend (who was dating two guys and lying to both of them) and now that friend is running a smear campaign on her. I think your phrase will resonate with her.

I'm so proud of her. I offered to go visit this girl's parents, but D18 said no, that she has to learn to deal with issues on her own.

I feel I have laid it on the line as well. We've had the discussions and you read the email. But obviously I did not follow through. Maybe that's the difference.

Sorry OH, I remember that now. Your H turned it on you, like he still thought he could tell you you're crazy? I'm glad that you know you're not crazy!

I want to say 'who are you and what have you done with my husband?'

Went to church, went to breakfast and a movie, came home, had a quickie, and I went upstairs to work on cleaning out my office. H came up, cleaned out catbox closet, vacuumed my office, cleaned out the guest bedroom, took stuff up to the attic, organized the attic, vacuumed the hall, washed dishes!, and is now taking over cooking dinner! And hasn't said a mean word since we got home. Wow. Is this what he used to be like 30 years ago? I don't remember.

That's great, cat! Thanks for sharing!

Can you send that alien over to my house to invade my H's body when he's done with yours?

Holy cow!!!

That's awesome. If I were you I'd be afraid to breathe, for fear the spell would break...

Tell me about it. We ended up working a jigsaw puzzle together watching tv. Very surreal day.

Cat, how are you with O&H when things are going well? Does it come easier to you? Does your H thrive on verbal affirmation? And even if it isn't a huge EN for him, do you think that it would help your experience to tell him out loud how much fun you're having?

I usually try to 'say' how I feel with hugs and snuggling and stuff, but I'll try to find a way to say something.

Cat, I ask because that's really big for me, when my DH gives me recognition like that. Special when it's just the two of us, and special when other folks hear, too, like the kids, or out with friends. And I also asked because it gives me a LB$ deposit when I appreciate DH out loud, again both when it's just the two of us, and when other folks are around.

I didn't mean it as a one size fits all. I meant, if it's something that is special and meaningful to you and your H. What do you think?

Do you give your daughter much Words of Affirmation? Is that something that's meaningful to her?

Edited to add: And ITA, hugs and snuggles are really big ways to give and receive affection, too!

I give her extra, to make up for dad's negativity.

I think I'll pick up a steak and make him a nice dinner and then tell him why, that I had such a great day yesterday with him I wanted to make today good for him. How does that sound?

Sounds great to me, but how about you ask him

Have you two talked to each other before in a calm time about each of your LBs and ENs?

And this is a great moment, when you can just relax together, too. I don't mean to imply you can't relax into it, too. Or to put a bunch of expectations on the two of you.

I just meant, that I think it may be a lot easier to build little by little on today's sucesses than it is how we usually do it, wait until it sinks too low and then try to turn the ship around at those points.

Hi Cat, I'm kinda lonely, feeling a little isolated, even though I'm in a massive room full of cubicles of people. I am hoping to get a big bump of Catperson inspiration this morning. It helped me so much following as you went through the tax situation, reminded me that there's really nothing we can't do if we get a plan and the determination. I got a big bump last night, too, seeing how well jayne is doing. What's going well in your neck of the woods these days?

Hi ears. I'm sorry you're having a bad time. How about a count your blessings episode?

Healthy
live in America
great kids
better weather than the rest of America!
great job
great friends and family
freedom to move wherever you want, do whatever you want, see whoever you want...
access to Internet (hee)
access to more knowledge than has ever been possible in mankind
what else?

We're doing ok. A little bummed we didn't get a refinance loan, now that H is finally(!) on board with paying off bills. But we have a Thrivent guy coming over tonight; maybe he can help us figure out how to get out of this mess.

And we're moving forward with the company I've been wanting H to start; I've got on of the artists at work making me a logo for it, and it doesn't require any money up front to start the company aside from marketing collateral. I really think he can get this going this year and start bringing in more money.

And JSC contacted me about doing some editing for them on the side, at a great hourly wage, so I'm going to be making some headway on our bills, too.

D18 got turned down for UNT (her #1 choice) but I think there was a mistake, so I'm going to call them today. But she got into Univ. of Incarnate Word in San Antonio, with a $12,000 scholarship for 4 years. And we're going to UT Tyler this weekend, and hopefully talk to an admissions counselor, since we haven't heard back from them yet.

What's up with you?

Cat, you are the BOMB! Yes, we are so blessed here! I heard that on the radio this morning, and somehow I got sidetracked.

How am I? I did that Google Web History thing, and shocked the heck out of myself this morning. I didn't think I was ready, but I said to myself, Feelings follow Actions, so I chose some different actions. Another growth experience. My first reaction was to take it as about my failings, but I caught that DJ and discarded it pretty fast. There's nothing I can't reason through with a good attitude, so thanks for the help with the attitude. I don't know if I'm going to feel more reactive or less reactive as the day goes on, but you help me get back my footing.

And wow, Cat, look at you two go! An agreement and a PLAN to get your bills paid off, and starting a new company! Kudos to you both! And scholarship for DD18, and you following up instead of getting down when they made an acceptance mistake! I am so grateful I reached out to you this morning

Google web history thing? What does that mean?

Someone had suggested it some time ago, and I wasn't willing at that point, so there were lots of reasons to me why it didn't make sense. But basically if you have a google account, and you log in to check it, google tracks your web history from that point, and organizes it so you can view it later.