Jerry,
My comments to Krazy are in *NO* way a justification of ANYTHING. I want to make that as clear as I can.
There is NO REASON EVER to justify adultery. NEVER, EVER, EVER.
I was not even really talking to goldpig. I was refuting Krazy's statement that no woman, ever, has EVER given it up for ATTENTION. That is ridiculous. And it shows a basic misunderstanding of how women think. Many(I am reluctant to say MOST) women think of sex as primarily emotional. The physical componenet is secondary.
OF COURSE it's about boundaries. That is the point. Many women are willing to give up their boundaries, their self-respect, to get ATTENTION.
Women and girls EVERYWHERE do indeed give it up for ATTENTION. That does not make it RIGHT. That does not justify it. But it IS the truth.
And truly, I am thinking more of unmarried women in pre-marital realtionships here. Do you really believe that all those teen-age girls out there having sex are having it because they are craving a physical relationship? Because their hormones are screaming that they want an orgasm? They are NOT. They are craving ATTENTION. They would rather "give it up" than be without the attention. They would rather suffer through sex they don't really want than be ALONE.
And these poor choices and lack of boundaries persist into adulthood and after marriage.
They have not been taught boundaries. They do not want to learn HOW to have boundaries because they are going to have to suffer the consequence of being alone because they do not want or are not yet ready for a sexual relationship.
Do you understand that what you describe above is exactly how and why a predator moves in on M'd women as opposed to single women? A disallusioned M'd womean is easier to persuade than a single woman with discriminating tastes. A true predaator knows and understands this far better than most M'd women do. That is exactly why they prey on M'd women. Less boundaries because of unfurfilled EN's in their M, that have soured the M relationship.
This is EXACTLY my point. IT IS NOT A JUSTIFICATION. A married woman who has decided that she is ENTITLED to get ATTENTION when her H does not provide it to her will seek it elsewhere. AND, if it turns out that she has to have sex in order to keep the attention coming her way, she MAY very well do that.
IT IS WRONG on every level. I know that. I agree with that. That is the point.
The BH who has a WW who has put herself in this position is NOT at fault because his wife DECIDED to lower her boundaries and have an affair.
But the point is.... many women DO have sex for attention alone. They have sex that is unfulfilling, that hurts, is degrading, and is adulterous. They lie to themselves and convince themselves that their sex partner MUST have feelings for them or they would not WANT sex with them. The strong desire for ATTENTION at all costs is no different than the stong desire for anything ELSE at all costs.
Again, I agree COMPLETELY that the issue is a failure to protect boundaries. My point to Krazy was that a woman can have sex merely for the attention. I think that Krazy grossly underestimates the desire(EN) for attention.
And personally, my marriage pre-A was EXACTLY as you describe. MY ENS were completely unfulfilled while my H's WERE fulfilled(by HIS admission), yet HE is the one who chose to have an affair. And I did not.
I agree. Boundaries are the issue.
ETA: For what it's worth, goldpigs wife may be lying about EVERYTHING. But that does not change the fact that their are MANY women(even if SHE was not one of them) who have sex for the attention the yget from it.
