I was wondering how those of you that attend church handle it when you are divorced/separated with kids.

The reason I ask is because I'm wanting to attend church on a regular basis again, and my kids seem open to the idea. I have the kids every other weekend, so that means either my STBXW starts going as well, my kids get church every other weekend, or I only go when I don't have the kids.

I don't think it's imparitive for me, the kids, or even my STBXW to go right now. All of us keep God as a regular part of our lives and aren't in big danger of falling away or anything like that. The reason we stopped going really was mostly laziness and not wanting to drag the kids with us. It's been probably about 8 months or so since any of us have gone, as far as I know.

So I'm wondering how I should work this out with STBXW. A part of me says that I should talk about this with her and see if we can come to a decision together. It may very well be that she wants to go too, and just needs a little push. Or it could be that she's just not up to it right now and it would be appear as a "better then thou" statement if I went.

Another part says I should just tell her I'm taking them to the church this weekend, and not be concerned with what she thinks or how it may look to her. A third part says that it's none of her business at all.

I feel like what I really want is some sort of combination of the 1st and 2nd options, but I have no idea how to communicate this effectively. I know that I shouldn't let her run my life, but I can be flexible, and it is something that heavily involves the kids. I can just go on my weekends without the kids.

Can anyone give me some recommendations on this?

I think you're making this way too complicated. I also want to know if you see it as an opportunity to get her to join you in a family activity. Nothing wrong with that - just be honest with your intentions. Honest to her and to you both.

The XW in my situation is Jewish. Before we had kids, I had agreed to let her raise the kids in the Jewish tradition with the caveat that I wouldn't hide my religion from them and that they be allowed to choose their own path as they got older without fear of recrimination. This was actually a big sticking point with her folks. They didn't like that compromise at all and almost boycotted the wedding until the cantor who married us told them to chill.

Last year, the XW sent me an email stating that she had joined a synagogue (she didn't belong to one when we were married), and was enrolling the kids in Sunday (Hebrew) school there. She expected me to support her efforts in taking the kids on my weekends.

I told her that I no longer felt obligated to maintain my prior commitment and that I'd be taking the kids to church with me on Sundays. I'd started attending First Pres on Main and Bissonnet. I chose there because the retired minister from my old church (Grace Presby on BW8) was the interim minister there. I let the youth instructors at First Pres know that my kids would be getting exposed to both religions. I saw it as a good thing. Exposure to Judaism has given me a better foundational understanding of Christianity. They were very accepting of this and happy to see the kids. Needless to say the XW claimed that she was devastated by my choice.

For the last several months, I've been attending a very contemporary church with my GF. It's called Ecclesia on Taft. Extremely casual environment, very young congregation, and great music. I teasingly refer to it as "Hippie Church". That said, the delivery is modern, but the message is still very old school. It's -NOT- Unitarian or anything like that if you know what I mean... Our pastor is a very young guy who's father and grandfather were old fashioned fire and brimstone SBs. Ecclesia is non-denom.

The kids LOVE it! The music is very modern and they use a lot of multi-media during the service (PowerPoint, video, etc...). My DD7 actually prefers to stay in the congregation with us while her brother, DS4.5, goes into the kids' classes.

Anyway, my point is, if church is important to you, then go. If it's important that the kids go, then take them. You can invite their mother to attend or not, but don't let your choices be predicated on her response or level of cooperation. You are now the responsible religious leader in your household.

So lead.

SB has this right I think. You don't need to make it more complicated than it has to be.

Which would you think is the best option? I would say that the kids and YOU and YOUR stbx all attend church somewhere every Sunday. And the BSET choice would be if the family was intact, but...

OK. That probably isn't going to happen. So what is the next best option?

Ideally every believer needs to be plugged into a local body. We are instructed to not forsake the gathering of the brethren by Paul. In the early church, at least some of the believers were getting together every single day. They had worship, study, prayer and fasting for specific things and it all helped to keep each person focused on what was important.

And that leads to the biggest reason to be a regular attendee of a local church. We need to be plugged into the fellowship of the family of God. When we are down or struggling, others can come along side us to give us strength and to keep us on track. We can also hold each other accountable in our daily walk, so together we can be stronger in the faith than any of us can do alone.

So I would say that YOU should get plugged into church on a regular basis. When your kids are with you for the weekend, you take them to church with you. When they are not, you go anyway.

In our church if someone is missing one Sunday, there are those who notice and even if that person has only attended a few times, we try to reach out to them to be sure things are going OK. When someone is sick, has a family problem or loses a job, we have those who pray for them by name and not just generically and we have folks who can fix dinner and take it to their house if they can't cook for some reason, etc. This is the way the body of Christ is supposed to work, IME.

And this is what you are not getting if you don't belong to a local congregation that is alive and doing what the Lord commands believers to do.

So go to church and take the kids when you can.

Mark

You're probably dead on about making this too complicated. I certainly have been accussed of that before. But no, I wasn't trying to make this a family activity. I certainly am not against that, but dinners after the kids baseball game etc are much better for that at the current momment.


This sounds a lot like RiverPointe. The music is spectactular and the message is always very down to earth applicable to everyday life. Although my kids only go to the classes, which they do like for the most part. It was difficult to take them to classes right after the separation as they didn't want me out of their sight.


And that's the real challenge. I do fear her reaction to it, and I shouldn't let that get in the way. Ok, I need to get western clothes for the kids from her (next Sunday is Rodeo Sunday) and fill her in on what I want to do then. She can go along with it or not.

Mark, thanks for your thoughts on this is well. My issue is not so much on what the merits of church are, but on making the decision to take the kids with or without their Mom's input.

Respectfully fill her in, but don't ask permission. Separation of church and state in this country means that you have the right to lead your children spiritually any way you choose. She cannot, by law, mandate if or where you go to church with your kids.

Joint legal custody in my state means that technically my ex and I have equal say in religious upbringing. The way it pans out practically is that who goes to church has the most say. Since my ex doesn't attend anywhere, and I do, I take the kids to my church. There's not really a lot of discussion.

I suggest that unless you are looking into a radically different doctrine, you just casually mention that you're taking the kids to church. If you don't make a huge deal out of it, then she probably won't.

You guys are right. I'm making too big of a deal out of this. My attempts to cover every possible bad outcome is only going to make those outcomes more likely.

This is what I wrote:

STBXW,

Could I pick up some 'country' clothes from the house sometime this weekend? It's 'Rodeo Sunday' at RiverPointe this weekend and I was thinking about bringing the kids.

-dkd


And GG, she has no problem with the doctrine of the church. The only reasons neither one of has been going is the difficulty in getting the kids there and into classes. This was particularly difficult right after the separation, but not so much anymore I would think.

EDIT: This was the response...
Her: They're supposed to be wearing that stuff to school tomorrow, so you'll have them already.

me: Thanks.

Her: No prob;)

My BF's XW takes their DD to church every Sunday. When it's his week, she comes by and picks her up, then drops her off again. They have a fairly amicable relationship so it's not a problem.