I need some advice. Please forgive me if something does not make sense, English is not my first language, even though I have live in the US for 20 years, my grammar sometimes is a tad off. I also want to apologize if this is too long but need to explain.
My husband and I eloped 20 years ago; we have 2 daughters (15 and 10). Our marriage has had ups and downs like everybody else. He is a wonderful father, but has never told me in Words “I LOVE YOU”, he is a believer that actions are bigger than words, even though I have to admit that he had demonstrated in the past with little and thoughtful things, that he really cares for me. He has always provided for me and the girls, he helps with the house work and with taking care of the girls, he does not mind having to stay home if they are sick while I go to work. He even, stayed home full time for the benefit of the girls, since at the time I was making more money that he did.
Now all of this sounds wonderful right, well here is the problem, he has always treated me as one of his daughters (not his partner/wife), undermines me and you could even say there some extend of verbal abuse. Things like, “you are too fat, you are always too lazy or stupid, you do not know anything, all you do is read does Stupid novels, I have married a woman with no aspirations, etc.”. He thinks that I am still the innocent little girl he married, that the years and the children have not made me grow up that I am still “Naive” (I mean I am 40 years old). Yes, after 20 years of marriage and 2 daughters, I have gain weight, and I have gotten at a point in my life that I like taken the stress out of me by reading a good “Romantic and/or Suspense Novel”, but he says that I should dedicated all my free time to him, those “Stupid Novels” all they do is fill my head with Flying Birds, that instead I should have aspirations and do some productive with my life.
Over the years, due to his treatment/abuse towards me, we have grown apart, SEX is great that has not change, even though the passion has cooled off some, but regular life has gotten to a point that I can’t talk to him, every time I say something he looks at me like “What know” or “Are you that stupid” or the criticism is just too much, I had gotten to a position where I would not tell him anything else. He has hurt my feelings many times, and even broke my heart a few years back, but I decided to let it go and move forward. Because of this, I think unconsciously, I started to break the friendship, between us.
Very recently I joined FACEBOOK, primarily to keep an eye on my teenage daughter activities, I have a good relationship with her and I trust her up to certain point but still wanted to keep an eye; but through this tool some of my childhood friends and high school classmates have found me or vice versa (all this friends live in the country where we come from). Most of my friends are either my daughter’s friends or family members that live in our country; it has been a good tool to keep in touch when we cannot call every week. Well he is very upset, he thinks that in doing so I have broken some rule of “marriage behavior” and he doesn’t know why I have to find friendship outside of our relationship, if he finds out I subscribe here he will freak out. Well, a few weeks back I received an email from what you could call my first boyfriend, mind you we were probably 8 or 9 years old, and very innocent, but had fun together and always remember the good times especially since we were friends.
Well he found out the password to my email; saw the exchange of remembrance from childhood times and all hell broke loose. He believes that my world should be just him and my family that time for myself is a big NO, even talking to family and friends is no good, I should come to him with everything and no even vent with or gossip with a good friend. He is not a big believer in girls’ night out, even when is with family (mom, sister, his sister in law, etc.), they use to plan a girls night out to go to some Happy Hour without the kids and hubbies, he had a major fit and was so big, in the "I do not understand why you have to go by yourself ". So big were the fights that the family stop inviting me to go with them, I mean what I am going to do with my MOM around, is not like we are going MAN hunting or anything like that, we just wanted sometime away from the kids and enjoy some girl talk.
After, all hell broke loose, we had a long talk and I told him all my frustrations how I really felt, and that he had also broken my heart and exactly when he did it; he accepted his faults where they were due, but still does not see why I cannot talk to him, why our friendship is broken, even says that with all his faults, I am the one who broke the trust becasue I am looking for who knows what outside the house. He has gotten to point to search and find out the password to my email, and any other account I have, he is constantly checking everything I do, ask me everyday what I am doing, and even paid some agency to let him know if and when I registered to something online. Even if I have not registered, but somebody did with a similar name, then it was me, because it is too much coincidence.
If I attempt to change my passwords, he believes that I am doing it because I have something to hide, that privacy does not exist between couples. If I receive some sort of communication from friends and family, or if I call somebody and do not tell him he gets mad, even if these calls are to my parents (who very recently moved back to our country to retired). His distrust is just drowning me, I have told him so but he still does it, his Jealousy is draining me, I am in a constant stress and afraid to even call me parents without asking him first, so not to upset him. I mean I know that he feels that I have betrayed him, or even cheated on him, even when it has not been so, but if I am big enough to recognize that I could have done certain things different, why can’t he not see that his way of treating me all this years, is what has made us grow apart and that until he stops his distrust and verbal abuse things are not going to change. He wants me to change, to be more open to him, to be his “Friend” again, but frankly how can I if even when I am telling him the truth all his says, “Well I am going to have to believe you because you say so, but there are too much coincidences”.
Forgive me for the long letter, but I really do not know what else to do, I am right know in a position that do not know what else to do, I even told him that if he wanted, to go ahead, close my email and any other account he felt it was treating our relationship, but he claims that he does not want to control me just for me to tell him everything I do, even if it is just that I talk to my parents, or that my friend emailed some joke or something that I may have not even consider important. If I delete a message that has no use or importance to me, then he get upset because it most have been something that I do not want him to see (he checks my email several times during the day).
Please help me, what else can I do for my situation to change, I am not a believer of Divorce, and I know we can solve the problems, but I really do not know what else to do. Again I apologize for the length of this, but I relay need it to vent and explain everything, so you understood.

The thing that you need the most right now is to learn to respect yourself. Once you respect yourself, he will too. He'll have to, because you will no longer accept him belittling you.

For starters, tell him - ahead of time - that you are going to help him see what he's doing that hurts you. Tell him that each time he says something belittling that is inappropriate for a husband to say to a wife (or vice versa), you are going to (1) hold your hand up like you're saying 'stop' and/or (2) say 'OUCH'. Or whatever signal will work the best for you two.

And follow through! He needs to see it as soon as he does it, not later in a conversation.

If it turns into an argument and he starts yelling, then you say "I'm leaving the room because I don't like being yelled at. I'll be back in 20 minutes so we can talk about this without yelling." And LEAVE the room!

These are standing up for yourself. It has to come from YOU, not HIM.

Just work on those two things for now, and let us know how things go.

Catperson,

I have actually done that, if we are talking and he starts I just give him the same kind of look I give the girls when they have done something wrong, and tell him to watch what he says, if we are talking on the phone, I simply hang up on him, until he realizes what he has done.

My problem comes from actually trying to pass the problems, we have been at this for a little over 2 months, and there are 3 days good and 2 bad. It is not as much as the way he treats me, since I spilled all my heart to him, he has tried to change the way he talks to me and even tried to be more romantic, even told me the big words. But it is the distrust that it is killing me, I mean he checks the phone to see who I am calling, how long do I talk to that person, he checks my email messages, and like I said, my name is very uncommon the initials are YW and if a person with initials JW, registered into something, the name is similar but spelled different, then he thinks is me that have decided to misspelled my name to hide from him.

He has send me messages and even ask me to renew our vows. I hesitated to say YES and now he is upset. Well, the renew of the vows is part of the story, it will be too long to explain, but I will try a short version. About 5 years ago, I wanted to have a Religious Wedding (which we never had), the girls were older and they would enjoy watching their parents marry, well he pretty much told me that "That until I did not lost all the extra pounds I have gain, he would not walk down the aisle with me", he actually made it a condition, and it broke my heart, that there had to be conditions to marry me, if you love me is as I am and no conditions should exist.

Now, I do not want to be hurt again, and even though it he might not make it a condition, it is still on the back of my head, he says I have to forget the past, but he still cannot trust me by forgetting what 'I did".

After so many years of "NON-Romance", with the Romance he is giving me it is taking a little time to adjust and he does not feel that it should take time I should just adjust, acceot and forget that the past ever existed.

Don't make this about him. Tell him that YOU feel bad when he talks that way; don't tell him what he's doing wrong; you can get a better relationship that way.

The other thing you have to do is take a stand about how he feels he has the right to check up on you. OR tell you how to look. Maybe someone else will come along with suggestions.

I would ask the mods (click the notify button below) to move your thread over into Emotional Needs to get more people seeing your thread.