HI - I feel for you as I'm on the receiving end of this. My husband is in Iraq and has been having an affair. I hve enough evidence to know for sure but I get the typical"only a friend" emotional confusion" garbage and lies that accompany this issue. I do have a question....what is the general consensus as to whether to address it while he's still there or sit on it and try to pretend all is fine. He knows that I know - although I think he feels he has me fooled that nothing really happened but I am livid. He's her boss, no one in command has done squat, he has lied to me for 9-months, ignored the kids for part of that and I'm just supposed to take him back him and act like it was all OK??????? This deployment has ruined my marriage and he is a pathological liar now. HELP!!!

O/T Skagel,

Make your own thread and ask for Military vet assistance here. It will probably mean loss of husbands job.

Military Vets assistance? Am new to this forum - is that someone here or someone on post I'm not familiar with?

Military spouses have added challenges that most civilians don't (long deployments, out of contact for extended periods)

Military spouses also have additional resources that most civilians don't have access to (JAG, 1SGT, CO).

"Military vet assistance" means a call-out to MarriageBuilder "veterans" of infidelity - prior service, active duty, or spouses - to get you the help you need. These folks have a greater understanding of what kinds of issues you face, what kind of help is available, and speak the same jargon.

I don't know what kind of evidence you have on your husband being out here in Iraq, but I do know things happen out here and people stop thinking straight. I also know that some people who get into conflicts start gossip and spread lies to get other people in trouble and as far as the UCMJ is considered infedelity is a major crime. I have seen soldiers e-mail and send spouses of soldiers all kinds of things just to cause pain to another soldier that pissed them off. Things out here are really messed up and you really don't know who you can trust. I feel your pain and hope you can come to some kind of resoloution and if the evidence is valid and he is in fact cheeting on you the UCMJ will back you 100%. I am doing ok in my own situation so far and my wife is still talking like none of this ever happened. I think she may be falling in love with me all over again by the way she talks to me now and by what she says in her e-mails lately. I talked to a friend of hers a while ago trying to get a hold of my wife and she revealed some things to me as to where my wife stands mentaly. She said when my wife told her what she had done with the other man she was so angry she wanted to hit her. She explained to my wife she would have to been insane to throw away what my wife and I had. My wife's friend also knew the other man and explained to my wife that yeah he was a cool guy, but if she would have been paying attention to me (her husband) she would have noticed that I not only was a cool guy, but also devoted and totaly in love with her. She told me after quite a few days of talking to my wife that my wife started hating the other man and it started making her sick that she had ever done anything with him. My wife hasn't told me any of this, but I appreciate her friend for letting me know what was going on. I will continue to talk to my wife and see if she will ever talk about what happened before I get home and we go to counseling together and if not we will still get everything out in counseling and I will accept no less than the radical honesty I read about in this site. I have hope for a better future and I know happiness waits for me ahead I just don't know what that will be yet.

purchases made for her on our joint account, his partial admissions, emails from an anonymous FB person telling me about the affair. The rest is more circumstantial - I am in so much pain. I am trying to hold on but I want to know what to do. Is this an affair of convenience? I don't know. I know he is involved - caught him telling me one time he didn't reveal his feelings to her and another saying he did. He lies so much now I don't know what to do. He's not the man who left for Iraq. Been married 14-yrs and have 2 great kids but this man is foreign to me.

The only thing I can think of for your to is first to get in touch with the Chaplin in your husbands unit that is in the rear on base. I'm sure the Chaplin can help you get your thoughts together a little more and provide some emotional support also some understanding of some of the symptoms deployments can have on both spouses. I'm sure the Chaplin can also offer you some options on what you can do and then you will have some decisions to make. What ever you do make sure your mind is set so that what ever you do decide you will have no regrets asking yourself "what if?". I would recomend starting your own thread and getting a lot more responses, mainly from other military personel that would know a lot more than I do. When you start your own thread let me know and I will pop on and see how you are doing. I hope everything goes well and I will pray for you.

I just medically retired in March 2008 (spinal injury). I will tell you that typically if found guilty he faces reduction in rank and will not be allowed to re-enlist. If some evidence is there but not enough to convict, then his Command will separate the two and give him a bad OPR (Officer Performance Report) that hurts future ability to make rank.

Your husband sounds very unrepentant!! Is your husband Active Duty or Reserve? I only ask because it affects your retirement. Also how many or the 14 years have been during his military years? If more than 10 then you are locked in to get half his retirement. Also you will be allowed to get for yourself the Tricare medical coverage that all Active duty Military have and will continue to get after retirement. Reserve will get when they receive their retirement, I believe at age 60.

There's a poster named Mortarman he on this site that I believe was JAG or IG. He can break this down better than me.

I hate to say this, but at some point you have to look after yourself and your children. The Chaplain and base Family services can provide alot of information. Unfortunately that see this everyday. The Chaplain can actually reach out to the Unit Chaplain where your husband is deployed at and deal with him there confidentially.

Good Luck.

My leave is coming closer with each day and I am getting nervous about seeing my wife again. I'm afraid of how things are going to feel when I actually see her face to face again. I don't know if I'm going to just see her and be ok and focused on the future or is my past experiance of finding out about the affair and all the immages I finally got out of my head (to a degree) going to come flooding back and send me into a panic attack. I want to go home and at the same time I'm afraid to. I still love my wife, but she is the one who hurt me so deeply. Is there any way to prepare myself for seeing her again? I hope I can work past this and eventually be able to stay married with her, but if I can't.....I don't know.

I think I would read in Scripture how much Christ loved the church.
A husband has a special task of loving his wife until death. This is precisely what Jesus did.

Jesus did not neglect the crime. Work towards becoming together via listening to needs.

How do I track Mortarman down?

I read my Bible every night and I pray to the point of tears just about every night. I wish I knew the outcome of what all this is leading to. I guess that is why it is called blind faith. I know God only wants the best for us and I can understand His love, but with being human and staring off into the unknown it can still make your heart pound and you don't know what feelings you will experiance along the way. I would like to talk to my wife about what has happened and see what her needs are, but she ignores the issues and won't talk about it. I don't think she is ready to face these issues yet and I don't want to push her to face them with me all the way out here and with her not ready. I want to bring us closer together and not tear us apart and I think the process could best be described as painful and delecate. I am trying to get through this deployment one day at a time and work throught the homesickness and heart ache at the same time. I really do want to go home, but I am nervous about the unknown, what will I come home to?

Soldier its true that's its an unknown .... you don't know if your wife has really stopped seeing a OM or not... or is still wanting to work on the M no matter what she says right now.... you may not even be sure you want to if you learn of something which you will find hard to accept and continue in a M. It is all unknown. And quite naturally we fear the unknown.

What you do know is that she DID have an affair and that SHE CHOSE to do that and that there are NO excuses... maybe lots of reasons just no excuses.

I would recommend you read this thread which is very good and describes the probable similar feelings that your wife and you will go through. Because when you get home it will seem a bit like learning about it all over again.... except you know most if she has indeed been honest. HOWEVER ... don't be surprised to learn that she has NOT told you everything. That is very common.

Affair World

It is really going to be a case of taking each day one at a time and the same with the issues.

And it is very much a suck it up exercise for any BS. And unfair. But it is what it is.

You will be ok when you return home and you can always ask for advise here on any of the subjects as well. REMEMBER seriously consider the Harley's in any recovery work .... they are THE experts. Most MC's don't have the slightest idea about adultery and little experience in saving a M.

Keep safe and keep positive.

Aussiewife, thank you so much for your advice and you seem so wise. I will continue to post on this thread probably even after I feel everything is worked out just to keep in contact with you all and let you know how it's going. I have checked out the Harley's and seen their rates and they are pretty steep. When I go back to the states I will be un-employed and have to find a job so I'm not sure I will be able to afford it even if I wanted to. I didn't see any way to e-mail them to ask if they offered military discount . I will read Affair World as soon as I get a chance, but for right now I have to turn it to prepare for a mission tomarrow. Things here are geting to be where I can't talk about them and we are going to get busier than I thought possible. I can see I'm going to get pushed to the brink and am hoping I don't crack under the pressure. I have made it this far and I can't logicaly explain how, but I believe He has carried me. With the help of all of you and my friends here I believe you were provided for me to better make it through. I will do my best on my marriage and my missions here and that is all anyone can ask for, right? Thank you all for keeping me strong and giving me great advice.

I read the link to Affair World and it was like I was reading about my own situation except it went farther than where I am now. I know the statements in the WS's comments were ugly and hurtful but that is the reality of the situation. Above all protection and wanting to believe something I would like to know the truth. I can understand the feelings of the BS and empathise with him. I only hope when I get home I can have the same end result that happened in the story instead of divorce.

Isn't it interesting how similar the stories are? In fact, often we can predict what the WS will say, and what they will do before they say or do it. That is why the MB plans work. Everyone always thinks that their situation is so hopeless, or so unique, but underneath there are always many commonalities.

Keep reading and educating yourself. I'm looking forward to your leave also. Don't expect everything to be resolved, because that is unlikely to happen. It takes time.

How are things going with your wife?

My wife and I are talking and not about anything meaningful. The questions I ask go unawnsered and she has only gone to the counselor that one time. It seems she is avoiding the situation and acts like none of it has happened. It is tough not talking to her about the issues she isn't ready to face yet and if I try to push her from way out here I will shurly lose her. I need to be home and stand right infront of her when we work on this. She just dosn't have it in her to confront her problems, instead she ignores them and just keeps going as if nothing is wrong. Earlier I commented that an article I read on this site was the perfect description of my wife. The article was Infedelity And What It Teaches Children. In the article the description of the little girl is just like my wife in how she grew up to how she is today. If you want to know what my wife is like you will look at the articles part of this site and find it. Well I have missions to attend to out here and have to get back to work, untill next time.

First Soldier take care on the missions.

Its probably not a bad thing as I said before to not try to get answers over email being so far apart. There are bound to be points to discuss in any answers and you can't really do that easily via email or even IM

Keep on discussing every day things ... try not to ask heavy questions right now ... however it may be good for you to write them down as they come to you so you will have frame of reference later when you are home and want to know how.. why .. when etc etc.

You ARE doing very well Soldier in keeping your wife involved and interacting with you given the circumstances. And its very much par for the course for a WS to avoid and pretend it all didn't happen. When home this can be worked through.

Its very hard to have to sit and wait and wait but right now its important to let the issues ride and keep focused on doing your job and getting home.

Now keep safe soldier and I'll keep you in our prayers as well.

AW

AW has a great idea about writing down questions and saving them. And believe me, even if you were face to face with her, she would most likely want to just pretend it never happened.

Stay focused and safe. This too will pass.

Prayers going up for you.

I will write some of my questions down that I would want to ask my wife, but it will be hard. Some of the questions I have I don't even know if I want the awnsers to them and at the same time they haunt me. My mission out here is changing and I told my wife with absolutely no detail and will not divulge any detail. The only thing I told her is that I will be in more danger and that she should express what ever she needs to because neither one of us knows if at this point we will ever see eachother again. I laid out reality for her and I think it really hit home. There is one thing I have been learning lately, and that is life is short. I have been trying to make the best of every day and live in the moment. I will be trying to stay as safe as possible and I am dead focused on my missions. I can't afford to lose focus and I have lives depending on me, I realize this. No one here has to worry about me not having my head in the game, I'm in it to win it. As we say in the Army "Stay alert, stay alive". Thank you for all of your advice and I will keep you up to date with how things are going. I may be out of touch for a little while, but I will be back on as soon as I can. If you have any other good suggestions I will be keeping an eye out for them and will definatley take them into consideration.

Pray for our troops and never forget we are here.