I am terrified of exposing the affair. I am more and more considering it because he will not quit contact. Says he is not sleeping with her anymore, that she is trying to work it with H for all kinds of reasons (mainly the enormous age difference, plus for my H kids and me). He is home almost all the time when not at work, but my gut is churning everytime he goes somewhere. He tells me where he is going, and how long and has not strayed from this, though it is not possible to believe someone completely if they are a cheater/liar.

All the advice says to expose, expose, expose. I know that this is necessary, but I am afraid. He said there will be no chance for our marriage if I contact her, or her family, etc. This is a man who always protected our family. Now he protects other people! I do not have a job, I have a brain tumor that would affect me getting health insurance if I did find a job in this economy. I am afraid of him losing his job or chance of getting promoted since this is an affair that started at work with someone there. With this economy and our financial fragility, I am afraid to do the exposure!

BUT he won't NC! Won't tell me how long. I have refused intimacy until he is done. But I know that plan A can't be effective in midst of secrecy of the affair, albeit emotional. How do I do this w/o ruining myself? The A All his fault. I did not choose to distance myself or find another. We have our problems, but he gave up his faith and now I am not all that fun to be around (funny, people tell me that I am delightful!).

Anyone see "Lars and the Real Girl"? The guy has to wean himself off a relationship with a life-sized doll and all those who care about him know that he is working out past issues and are very patient, even treating the doll as a real person. I feel like the one waiting in the background until Lars can wean himself back into reality.

Help me know how to do it right and how to protect my family in the process!

After I exposed it was like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. Yes FWH's head exploded but I wasn't going to let some POS guilt me into covering his sorry butt. I'm sorry that your health is not well but for me my sanity alone was worth the exposure. Do they still work together?

She works in his old department, I found out yesterday. I have not exposed. Right now I know it is just an emotional affair. he does not agree that talking to her IS an affair, but I made it clear that I do consider it as such. Over and over. We have been very open lately, talking a lot. He is under no illusions, esp. as of last night, that I am in anything but excruciating pain over the way he has disregarded my feelings. I will not have sex until he can prove it is over. I am praying she quits. My pastor may be talking to my H this week. I know he called him yesterday. They are good friends and I hope he can persuade. I will not keep it a secret from his family too long.

I had my wedding ring cut off yesterday. Got a whole $14! The band was thin, and I still have the solitaire but the diamond is missing. I may turn those in for cash (can't you hear the commercials?) to stash for emergency.

I will post later. We are supposed to go out tonight to just hang. It will be probably dinner and a movie. Platonic date night, I guess. He is still making me aware of his every move and sticking to it. I could just knock his head against a wall, however, with this continued EA. Wish I could have one, but my heart won't allow it. My conscience won't allow it.
Thanks for your reply. Blech. Life is so hard!

Expose his parents, siblings, OWH; CEO, Human Resources Director, Board of Directors.

In the words of Yoda, "Do. There is no try."

Or Nike: "Just do it!"

Take a deep breath, pick up the phone and push the buttons.

As Black Raven said, a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders once you begin this process.

jewel, I am sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. Are you not afraid of DIVORCE? Because that is where you are headed if you refuse to lift a finger to save your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy and by keeping their secret, you are ENABLING THE AFFAIR.

Your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure, it can't survive an affair. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because it destroys the fantasy. It is like chemotherapy to cancer.

Are you on the Other Woman's side or are you on you and your childrens' side? Because I can't tell. To me, it looks like you are trying to help the OW and I am sure she appreciates your help, but you have an obligation to your children to protect them from harm.

Even if you are afraid. Being afraid is no excuse to do nothing to protect their family, jewel. What will you tell them some day when their family is broken up due to this affair: "sorry kids, I was too afraid."

You just don't have the LUXURY right now to cater to your fears. Your husband and your children need you. You are ALL THEY HAVE. And you are contributing to the demise of their family by ENABLING this affair.

So, lets buck up here, Jewel. You have some work to do.

Dr. Willard Harley: "I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

<snip unrelated>

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

None of this is helpful. You are not going to attract him by punishing him, but will push him away. Do you think the OW is punishing him? Every time you punish him, you make the OW look more attractive and give your H ammunition to demonize you.

You have to be STRATEGIC, not emotional, if you are going to make it, Jewel. Your emotions are leading you to make very bad decisions that are working against you.


He is trying to scare you into hiding his affair for him so he and the OW can continue to carry on. Very likely he has told the OW he is separated and he knows she would dump him if you contacted her and her family.

The OW and her lover THANK YOU for your support. Unfortunately, your own children have nothing to thank you for because you are throwing them under the bus by hiding their fathers affair.


Then what is the problem with calling the family if they already know? Does that make sense that he says 'don't call them or there is no chance' when they already know?? Jewel, listen to me, the truth is that there is no chance IF YOU DON'T CALL. You need to pick up the phone NOW, Jewel, and call this woman's husband. Get in your car and pay her a visit. Quit messing around!

If you don't expose you are setting yourself up for failure. It's not hard to find other threads where the BS didn't expose and months or years later are still living in a nightmare and/or kicking themselves for not acting sooner.

WH is a liar. Don't believe the garbage he is spewing. As Mel already stated, your M and family is under assault. You can not afford to be afraid. Don't hand your family over to POSOW on a silver platter. Fear will make you your own worst enemy.

bumping for Jewel. Get on back in here, girl!

Well, he did it. He told me on Friday that he was all done talking to her. I never heard of anyone weaning away from an affair, but he appears (let's use that word for now) to have done it. He made no bones about the fact that he was still emailing her as of early last week. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that we would go no further with our marriage until she was no longer his "girlfriend". I kept using that word and he hated it. But what else do you call a girl who you had sex with over and over and professed your love to and won't stop talking to?

Anyway, its just all so anti-climactic!!! I feel like Jonah after he told the Ninevites! I have finally gotten him to stop the affair, or maybe that's not the right word. He made the choice (or maybe she did, he wouldn't go into it and is not talking much--depressed?). But now I feel ambivalent about our marriage. I can't get out of my head the whole issue that she's half his age and only 4 years older than our daughter would be. Does that strike anyone else as just sooo wrong???? I have heard guys feel differently. Anyone?

I got the book, Surviving an Affair, and I am reading it, highlighting what I feel applies to us or me. He has agreed to do the same in a different color. He started yesterday and took it to work with him today. I should feel elated, right? I guess I am just depressed, too. The book is so dead on and my H is a real skeptic. Well, I just wanted to report. I was out of town to a friend's house for some R&R for ten days, so I didn't post. Couldn't stand to see him and deal with daily life while he still was in contact. We shall see. Thanks for your support!

I hate to be a party pooper but please understand that TALK IS CHEAP with a wayward. Unless there is a PLAN in place to avoid contact and a plan to recover your marriage, you are not going to get too far. Even so, repeat contacts are pretty much the RULE, not the exception. I would snoop like a blood hound and watch your back. Exposure to the OWH is your best insurance. He can and should be your ally in making sure the affair is over.

A promise from a wayward is absolutely meaningless. All that matters is ACTION.

Did you ever actually SPEAK TO the OW's H?

Listen to these ladies jewel. You WILL feel a HUGE relief if you expose the A. I was SHOCKED at the amount of relief I felt after exposing to the skank's boyfriend.

If you don't expose, you GUARANTEE the death of your marriage. Then where will you be financially?

I agree with Melody. Overcome your fear, call his bluff (if he really wanted to leave, he would have done it already) and just do it. I think you will feel much better.

AM