I am slightly surprised at my consistent, continued indifference to my STBXH. I'm also rather shocked at his coldness toward me. Maybe he's indifferent too? That would shock me also, and maybe offend me if I gave it any thought.

We had to talk tonight about taxes. I'd been putting off calling him for weeks but my SIL who does our taxes really needs some answers & I'm the hold-up. So I called him. Seems he's in a world of tax debt suddenly, as being self employed, single, no dependents & no wifey to off-set all of it really comes back to bite you!

Anyway, I'm pleased that when things from the past come up or even a sappy movie I'm not compelled to cry or reminisce or wish or regret. I'm just...nothing. Or, genuinely happy for people if they're telling me a "my husband's so great" story.

I'm DISpleased though that he gives me very short, cold answers to my questions. And that he doesn't say "bye" at the end of our phone calls, just "yep" and hangs up or sometimes no "yep". Very NOT like him. As if he's got any reason to be rude to me!

Julie,

Keep being strong and consistent. Do not give into his pouting routine. It is another attempt at manipulation. I guarantee he has used this routine on you in the past and 'Enabling' Julie would give in and feel bad/sorry for him. Well, 'Enabling' Julie is gonzo!!! Kick her [censored] to the curb!!! Do not give into this manipulation. Stay strong and firm. Strong Julie does not need him to say goodbye at the end of a conversation for her to feel good about herself. Remember...big girl panties!! They fit just right so keep wearing them!!

Mindshare

Do we ever stop being co-dependent?

Honest question. (Begets honest answer?)

Is there really any REAL hope that we can go on to have "normal" HEALTHY relationships? With friends, family, CHILDREN, colleagues, potential SO, heck - pets?

Whatsayyou? Is there life beyond codependence??

Yes, I do believe there is life after codependence.

My husband is a recovering addict. My upbringing wasn't so hot-meaning I was in an enmeshed/codependent relationship with my mom. I was quite literally, the perfect partner for an addict. It took my husband's recovery for me to take a long look at my behaviors and change them. It also took my husband's recovery to heal from my past and to see how everything "fit" together.

I do believe that my relationship with my husband is getting more towards normal. It's pretty healthy now. Not perfect, but, I understand what intimacy means now, even if we don't always achieve it. I'm better able to figure out who is safe for me and who isn't. I understand what is healthy and what isn't. That is to say, I'm learning how to trust myself again.

I do tend to go back to my codependent thinking on occassion. Infact, today was one of those mornings..but I was exhausted, not having slept well in the past few nights..so just as monitoring HALT is important for a recovering addict, I guess it's important for me too.

I don't know if I'll be cured from my codependency. It's been my main coping mechanism for most of my life. Just like my husband, there is the potential for me to slip/relapse into old behavior. But I'm pretty vigilant now to stop my old patterns and start new ones.

I also wanted to mention that my husband and I are two years into the recovery processes. I think these things simply take time. Years time.

Good morning everybody! How are you? I'm GREAT!! Was in a great mood this morning already but strangely, STBXH kinda made it better reaffirmed it.

Thus, I have a question for you all: is anyone here "friends" with the ex? Or, what are your feelings on the subject?

NO NO NO I am not "hopeful" or even particularly interested in a "friendship" with him but our last 2 communications have been more than pleasant and it's a nice change. Granted, these communications were strictly regarding the division of US, but he's been extra-nice and agreeable, and it feels good. I don't trigger, there is no anger, hurt or regret when we hang up. I don't go back to that "happy place" of what once was, so please don't think I'm slipping or getting sucked in.

After all, for all I know, he's up to something or is just being manipulative. Still struck me enough to come here & ask for some perspective.

Other than that, all is well. DS is doing GREAT in school again & really feeling good about himself. DD hit a bit of a rough patch but we're working thru it. Puppy comes home Friday night. All is well.

I don't think you can truly be friends with an ex. If you are, it's probably very unhealthy. This is a person who hurt and betrayed you to the very soul. This person lied, cheated, used and manipulated you. You would not accept these characteristics in a friend. You only consider it in an ex because of residual feelings of once was. And even "once was" was an illusion all along anyway - or at least for a portion of time that you can probably never know for absolute sure.

That said, it doesn't mean you can't be cordial in your exchanges with him. The more pleasant you can be with one another, the easier it will be for your children and even yourselves. But it's more like a business relationship, not a friendship. It's not unlike going to the checkout in a store - if they are rude and obnoxious, you don't want to go back to that store again. But since you have kids, it's the only store in town that has the necessary supplies and you have no choice. If they are polite and friendly, it makes that whole chore much easier, but you don't find yourself hanging out with or confiding in the checkout clerk either.

Tabby,

AWESOME post. You are dead-on. Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate it!

Dang, so it WAS manipulation this morning, whether intentional or not! Because like you said, he DID to all those things to me, and although I allowed it then, I am NOT anymore because I deserve better, and that's what I'm seeking for myself.

Perfect. Thank you.

Julie,

Tabby is dead-on with her post. ITA. I don't think it is healthy for you to be friends with stbxh but there is certainly nothing wrong with being 'friendly' if you understand the distinction. Being friendly is absolutely in the best interest of your children.

Its hard to say if stbxh is manipulating you or not. He has a history of it so it is certainly possible. Just keep your guard up in case. Perhaps he has realized that being friendly is in the best interest of his children?!? We can only hope an pray that is what is going on. Just stay on your toes and remember that actions are what matters not words.

Mindshare

Hey Julie!

How are you doing? How are things going with stbxh? Kids?

Mindshare

Yay, we're back! And, hey - where'd my last post go? What about Mel's reply??