Hi All,

I need advice. I am planning to tell my H about my affair, and was hoping to do so today, so we could have the weekend to work things through before he has to return to work next Monday. BUT, I can't find anyone to take our (4) kids, and our daughter's birthday celebration is going to be this Sunday.

Are these reasons to NOT talk to him this weekend, or am I just trying to make excuses? (I don't think I am, but I've proven to myself that I can't think clearly!!!)

I really want to do this RIGHT!! Help!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
bbb

Others might disagree, but I think you should wait. I mainly lean towards that so that you don't risk ruining your DD's birthday party.

DD will be able to sense if dad isn't right and he won't be. So hold off till after Sunday.

Baron,

Thanks for answering--here's another thing I'm thinking about....my kids' Spring Break from school is in 2 weeks. I could probably get my mom to take the kids for a few [/b]days[b] during this time, then talk with H while the kids are completely out of town. I could possibly also talk to H's boss and ask for H to have a few days off work during that time (H's boss knows that we've been having marital issues and has been very flexible with that).

The issue isn't whether or not I'm going to tell--I will. The issue is that I have one shot to do this right, and I want to make sure that it's done right.

Any input is appreciated.

Thanks,
bbb

BB:

I think tonight would be nice.

Your right, it gives him the weekend to start processing it.

You tell him Sunday Night, he gets to go to work on Monday, and he may not feel like it. He may not feel like it if you tell him TODAY, but that is not for you to decide, is it?

Nobody to watch your kids? You may have tried REAL HARD. But probabaly not. Are they so young that they can't be unsupervised, even for an hour?

You will have to check on them, and it might help to HAVE to TAKE BREAKS. This conversation, once started, continues for days and months. The FIRST TIME, you want time that is uninterruptted. IF all you get is an hour at a time, then that's what you get.

Delays in having the conversation are easy to create.

Birthdays.
No one to watch the kids.
Mom is sick.
Work is tough
I need to go to the grocery

Whatever.

There is no EASY WAY to tell him. Nothing that we can tell you that will make his pain easier. We have our experiences, I believe you were told on your first thread things you shouldn't do:

Minimize
Lie more
Blame him

But I recommend that you do it tonight.

LG

Welcome to MB...

Couple of questions other here and your husband will need to know. Keep in mind, no matter how painful, you will need to be open and honest about everthing. You will need more than a WEEK END to resolve things. Be real. Reality is things didn't bad in a week end. So, it will take time if your husband wants to (his option), reconsile. Other experts here will have more to offer you.

1-What is the affair status? Is it over? If not, IT MUST END!
Follow the MB information on how to do it properly.
2-What are you doing to avoid the OP?
3-Does the OP know it's over?

Recommendations- Study Harley's materials ASAP, Pray pray pray to god to hep you and your family ASAP and often.

Listen the experts here...

1-What is the affair status? Is it over? If not, IT MUST END!

YES, the affair is over. There was very little emotional attachment, which has made it easier (I cringe at the word "easy"). I've established NC, which was also "easy" since OM was already emotionally detached. We would IM and email, but I've blocked him from both--not that I think he'd IM or email anymore.

2-What are you doing to avoid the OP?
I have stopped going to the gym, which is the only place OM and I see each other (he lives in another town, but works in mine--the gym is the only place we'd ever run into each other). We were also on the same running team, training for a marathon. I've let go of that goal (the marathon) and have stopped training with the team.

3-Does the OP know it's over?
Well, I think so. The last time we IM'd I asked him if we were over. He didn't answer (he avoids conflict like the plague), so I said, "Please answer," to which got me the response of :"I don't know what to say." So I IM'd back with, "I'm going to tell my H about us." He never im'd back. Do I need to do more in this area or just let it lie until DH and I write "The Letter?"

As for the kids--I was looking for someone to take them overnight. My two oldest can easily care for the younger two for a matter of hours...I was just hoping to have all kids completely gone from the house, as other WW's had mentioned to do.

Thanks for the recommendations. I appreciate all comments.

I agree, tell him as soon as you can. There is no avoiding the destructiveness that this has already caused. There's no way to make it better, or change what has happened. The sense of foolishness that I experienced, by being told by my BROTHER about the affair was gargantuan. You taking this responsibility is very brave and the right thing to do. Don't delay.

Read, read, read MB materials. It truly is a guiding light, and no matter how unique you think your situation is, you'll find that your behavior and his will unfold almost as if written in a script. Everything is normal human behavior, even your affair. Know that you have hurt him more than almost anything else could. What you do about it is of utmost importance. Also know that he has every reason to leave the marriage right now, but your willingness to do whatever it takes to regain a healthy marriage will go leaps and bounds to healing things.

My situation did not go that way, although there are a few rays of hope developing. It is infinitely more painful of you blame your husband and express little remorse. Don’t give into self hate, just try with every inch of your being to make it right. Good luck and my heart goes out to you guys.

Hi BBB

I've read your other thread and you have been doing a good job so far in dealing with the affair. And I believe you are ready to do it and I don't think you're delaying for delayings sake.

I argree with the Baron. I think you should wait til after the b'day. Kids b'days can be stressful enough without adding more to it. The kids so pick upon it and i don't think it's fair to spoil the day. (I know it is just my opinion).

I'm in 2 minds as to whether you wait another 2 weeks - that does seem like putting it off a bit. It seems unfair that your H waits and you certainly wouldn't want him to find out any other way.

When I told my H the kids were away over night, which did work really well for us. Yes the discussion goes on and on, but at least you both have time with no distraction to work out how you're feeling and to hopefully work out a way of telling the children so that they understand why mum and dad are "out of sorts".

Leave any more contact until you do NC letter with your H. Have you now deleted IM contact, phone numbers etc. You must do that now.


And just for you at the moment... I know it was mentioned on your other thread but when you're missing the prospect of the marathon please just remind yourself that this is your new marathon. When I'm missing my band and working towards a concert, I have to tell myself that this recovery is now the rehearsals... still playing a few duff ones but it will come together soon.

Staytogether

The thing to remember is that in looking for the right time to tell your spouse that their life has been a lie is going to result in never telling the truth...

Because there is never a good time to learn that your spouse has been unfaithful...

And the longer the lies continue the harder they are to move passed.

It's too easy to put it off because of a birthday and then a holiday and then a visit from an old friend and then because of stress at work and then...

There is always some reason we can't, don't want to, shouldn't until we get around to doing it. I learned the truth by snooping on the eve of a week-long fishing trip to one of my favorite places on the planet.

Ruined the week...
Spoiled the place...
Tainted my favorite past-time...
Pretty much sucked all around...

Wouldn't have mattered much if I had found out a week later; it still would have sucked...

Would have sucked a week earlier, too...

When you tell him, he might choose to leave. That would be the first time he was given a choice. Trust me when I say he wouldn't have chosen what already happened.

Mark

You guys are SO helpful; thank you.

I have yet to decide whether or not to tell tonight...but I have decided that I won't wait until Spring Break--that seems like an eternity away. Even waiting until next weekend to tell him seems too long. I hate, hate, hate hypocrites, and here I am currently the biggest one I know. I can't live like this, I make myself want to vomit (and nearly have). Oh, to go back in time...

I think you guys will all want to hang me up by my toenails when I let you know that my husband is a good guy--he's in this marriage until death. My fear in telling him about my affair is not the fear of him dumping me on my butt, which I deserve, but it's the fear of hurting him so deeply. I admire his commitment to our marriage, I also feel all the more shamed for my lack of it.

Stayingtogether--thanks for your input on my marathon. It's nice to hear those encouraging words. As much as I don't deserve ANY kind words right now, I really do need them.

Any added comments on whether or not to tell tonight are welcome!!!

The longer you wait the more it is going to hurt him.

Very tricky. I do so agree with Weld that leaving it longer adds to the hurt but my DH who I confessed to only 2 months ago has been reading over my shoulder. He says he would have hated me for spoiling the birthday...

Would he be able to put on a brave face? Is he a really hands on, involved dad?

How old is DD going to be? How elaborate of a party have you planned?

OH boy, I'm really getting scared. Not the cold-feet-I'm-not-going-to-do-this scared, but the I'm-gonna-stand-up-and-take-it-like-a-man-no-matter-the-cost scared.

I just got off the phone with DH, and asked him if instead of what we were going to do individually tonight (me, go to a concert at the local college and he game on his network), could we talk about us? He tried to get a few more details out of me, but I just kept it at "Let's talk about us." He agreed. Tonight's THE night. My stomach is already churning.

I've decided to go rent the kids some movies and make them some special snacks, then tell them it's a special night for them: they can have a "slumber party" in the big downstairs bedroom and even eat down there, and tell my oldest two to keep everyone downstairs. Meanwhile, I'll completely crush my faithful husband's heart upstairs in our bedroom and possibly vomit a few times as I purge myself with complete and utter honesty to my horrifically shameful deeds.

If anyone here is a prayer warrior--PRAY FOR US!!!

Stayingtogether, I think I've pretty much locked myself into this spot! I think he can "put on a brave face" for the birthday...he's got a lot more character than I do (obviously). He is an involved dad.

DD is turning 10. The party is but a small one, as she had her "Big" party last year (they get a big party every other year).

I think if the party was bigger, I'd wait. But I don't feel like I can wait any longer.

bbb, as hard as it will be to tell him, just keep this in mind: your marriage had no chance by NOT TELLING HIM. The chances of a divorce are much greater if you had kept this secret because a) it would absolutely prevent emotional intimacy b) it would work like a poison on your marriage that would spread over time c) he would find out eventually. And when a spouse finds out some other way years later, it is 10x worse because all the time you lied to him compounds the crime.

This will be like getting a very painful root canal. After the pain is gone, you will heal. And you have a chance of having a better marriage than you ever had before.

Please go armed with the list I gave you, along with a hand written letter to the OM using the template I gave you. That will mean alot to him that you care enough to absolutely end contact and to quit that gym entirely.

And remember, we are here to help you both. Most of us have been through this and have come out the other side.

I will be praying for you, bbb. You are brave and you are good.

If the party is small, I'd go ahead and tell him tonight. But your prior post makes that moot anyway. After tonight and Sat, if you can put on your best face and get through the party, please try. Can you rely on a friend or family member to help?

About tonight...whatever happens don't get defensive and start shifting blame or justifying your actions. Don't cover up things. It will only get worse if you do.

Prayers to your family.

If I was your BH, and maybe I am, I'd want you to drop this turd in the punchbowl after the party.

This is going to spoil a lot of things besides a birthday party for your DD. I, me, your H will not be able to function well for a long while. So, make one last consideration for your daughter so she does not automatically associate her birthday with her adulterous mother for the rest of her life.

Not for your benefit, nor your BH, but for her. It’s one last little thing for her before her family comes apart. Again.

Recommendation: next Thursday morning after the older kids go to school. Make a long weekend of it. Make a long life of it, actually, for your BH. So a few short days consideration for your H’s daughter is peanuts, don’t you think?

Oh, and be totally radically honest in everything. Especially the sex details. He won’t know what he wants to know for weeks and weeks. So it will be a long haul for him.

OTOH, if you secretly in the long run want to end up divorced, hold back some small embarrassing detail.

BBB,

Good luck to you tonight.

Prayers going up for your family.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I've been through two DDays. First one my WW told me of the affair after it was over and we had already spent a month in MCounseling. She decided she had better come clean in order to really work on our marriage.

Second DDay was me finding her e-mail open and reading stuff that will forever be burned in to my brain. ICK! I'd much rather have her tell me.

The choice is yours...

Listen to Mel. She's wise. Good luck. and keep posting here.