Long story short, older kids have not seen WH much the last two weeks. DS11 has shifted from seeing him twice a week to no contact and DD13 has barely seen him for the last few months, but she does text him from time to time.
WH has pushed through me, through IM and even through the family counselor for them to see him or talk to him.
Each of the kids got a card in the mailbox today (dropped off) and this is what DS11's card said:
"Dear DS11,
I just want you to know that I love you, miss you terribly and think about you all the time. I hope you can still find room in your heart to love me too, even though I know how much I disappointed you.
I'm so sorry you were sick this week-- that really sucked, I'm sure... I hope to see you as soon as you're ready and even if you are still angry.I'd like to take a road trip to Cl--- next Saturday to the R-N-R hall of fame. Would love it if you came, too...
My heart hurts and I miss you-
Dad"

Any thoughts?!! I have to say I never got a single thing in writing or in words like this. DD13's card is very similar, but not quite as heavy.

BF439

bump

"Dear DS11,
I just want you to know that I love you, miss you terribly and think about you all the time. I hope you can still find room in your heart to love me too, even though I know how much I disappointed you.
I'm so sorry you were sick this week-- that really sucked, I'm sure... I hope to see you as soon as you're ready and even if you are still angry.I'd like to take a road trip to Cl--- next Saturday to the R-N-R hall of fame. Would love it if you came, too...
My heart hurts and I miss you-
Dad"


I haven't read your whole story, so this is a cold reading. I like them best that way.

On the whole, this has the tone of a somewhat manipulative letter. There are undercurrents here that the purpose of the trip is not really to bond, and that can be seen in how it comes up.

Here's why I say that - The sentence structure is quite awkward when you look at it. He says, "I'd like to take a road trip to..." which is clearly an invitation to a specific destination with a date certain, right? This statement comes off as though the trip is SPECIFICALLY PLANNED FOR A BONDING TIME WITH YOUR DS, RIGHT?

Only read the next sentence, which NEGATES THAT FEELING: "Would love it if you came too....." What is that????? Turns out, your WH is going with or without him. This trip is not planned as a bonding road-trip. Not at all. WH is going, and from what I see this is an idea to just take DS along. Not at all the same as "I planned this road trip for us to bond."

One thing in this message that is quite sincere is that he does want to see the child, even if he is still angry. I think he wants to try to talk to the boy and talk him out of being angry with him. He believes that he has a strong enough relationship with the child that he can salvage this relationship in spite of the anger the boy has about what has happened. He is probably right, given the way he worded this sentence. I think his son is likely to respond positively to this sentence, as it acknowledges openly the anger, and also still allows for seeing one another. This is actually quite an astute communication on the dad's part.

Hope that helps. I would probably look into who is going to the RNR Museum. There are hints that other people will attend, and I for one would want to know who they might be.

SB

I'd be curious about the difference in what he sent to his daughter.

SB

he wrote:
"I just want you to know I love you and miss you so much. I enjoy every bit of contact-- even if im annoying you
But I want to see you more. I this k about you all the time and my heart hurts not being with you.
Thinkingabout taking a road trip next Saturday to Cleveland-- rock and roll hall of fame and would love it if you came. Just a day trip. Please come.
Love you- dad"
What do you think?

Interesting difference here.

He is much more casual with her. He sees his relationship with her as stronger, and believes he is on firmer ground with her.

I can tell you that he is MUCH MORE CONCERNED about how the son's relationship is going than he is about how the daughter's is going. He feels pretty good about how she feels about him.

Not so much about how the son feels about him, though. Now that I see the two in tandem, he is near on desperate about how his son feels about him. He worries, but still thinks he can win him back. He is very hurt that DS isn't wanting to talk to him.


I don't feel too bad for your WH though. That's the price you pay when you choose to play.

He's joking about annoying her. The two of them tease each other a lot, and she likes it.

Look at the sentences about the trip. Here's a completely different reason for the trip to Cleveland. Now you have proof he's a liar. Here he says he's thinking about a trip...fascinating, isn't it?

No way. Find out who is going on that trip. I smell a rat. A poopy rat.


SB

I don't believe anyone "else" is going on this trip. He has been desperate to talk to the kids, spend time with them. Especially since that last thing. It comes up in nearly every exchange through Starbase 11.

But...I would be happy to ask in my devilish IM way if necessary, ha ha!!

No, not devilish, just straight to the point.

Charlotte

My hackles came up on this sentence with regard to other people being in attendance.

It would be an unusual language structure for me, traveling alone, to call something a "road trip", first of all. Then, to say "would love it if you came TOOOOOOO". Just a weird phraseology. The "too" means something other than "in addition to me". Here, it just means something MORE, because it is coupled with the very strange lie behind this trip.

He is not showing all the cards.

Maybe someone is in Cleveland.


I would just find out, because this email has more about this trip that bugs me. If it were my kid, I would just have the hairs on my arms standing up - alerted. I don't know BF's sitch, but somehow there is another person involved in this trip.

SB

Thanks, DM and SB! He is more casual with Dd13, since she has spent very little time with him, but they do text about innoccous things. She has also confronted him. About OW and his choices, which DS says he's too afraid too. DS has "supported" throughout, so I'm sure him absence is hitting hard right now.

There are other people involved in the trip- two friends of his from college(not a couple, no kids, no one WH would be involved with, but also no one the kids would be anxious to see.). I think it's interesting that he hasn't mentioned the others to the kids. Even the place he selected will be of little interest to them. The other thing is the trip is planned now, so if they don't want to to, but do want to see him he would not change plans.

The feedback that I keep getting is that he is still all about himself and not a clue about what the kids need and since I'm not there to guide him, he's grasping...

Yeah, I forgot about his "buds" coming along, like BF said.

What I would get from it, too, though, not knowing otherwise is that it is an assumption that son is going to go so he wants daughter to come too.

Of course the HRC is an enticing thing to dangle under the kid's noses so he must assume that this might be something that will get them to go.

Plus, he IS a WS; i.e.-"I am KING!! My subjects WILL obey!!" etc.

Charlotte

I guess the card worked- DS11 asked to go with WH this Wednesday. He also wants to go this weekend. I'm really torn and sad about it all. I just have to remind myself that WH is not the healthy one, but its hard not to use his affect and the kids' actions as a barometer.
Well, I was good, tho, cause I felt like crying, so I did to a friend on the phone now I'm just tired...

Things will work out, the kids will figure it all out. Just be strong.

well after all that fuss, the day trip got cancelled! My guess is it is cancelled due to friends-- I wonder if he'll still want the kids that day?

I talked with one of the friends that I thought was going and he said that he didn't think any of his health problems were the reason it was cancelled. In fact, I'm not sure if the trip was to see him, becasue he indicated that WH might bring the kids another time and he didn't seem to even know about this particular trip.

Another possibility is that WH decided he could not afford such a costly road trip -- I know I would not do that on our budget. Too much gas and those museums do add up!

Who knows? Maybe the kids and I can still do something that they want to do this weekend!