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#2219823 02/24/09 06:12 PM
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ginac Offline OP
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I met my husband of 18yrs. 19yrs. ago. When we met (he had just gotten married 2 mons. prior to meeting me)I did not know that he was already married. He didn't tell me he was married until 5 months later. I was devestated and broke it off for about a week. Then he told me his wife of 2mons. was pregnant, but not to worry because she was sickly and probably wouldnt have the baby. She did, he got divorced I married him and we have two children of our own. When her child was born she said that her son could not have any contact with me, so my family and children have no idea that my husband has this other child. My husband has been verbally and sometimes physically abusive(shoving, pushing, throwing on ground) to me over the years.He has blamed me for not being a part of his child's life and he has continued to lie to me over the years about many things.He has been vebally abusive to several friends and family members also. He convinced me to move to an isolated rural area an hour away from friends and family with the promise that his hours would change and he would be home at 3 everyday. Of course that did not happen. In fact he started sleeping at his Mom's house 2 nights a week so he could work overtime. Recently he planned a trip for ten days(2nd trip for himself in 3 yrs) and paid for it(we are in debt) without telling me. I found out from a stranger prior to him going. His famous line "I was gonna tell you or I didn't lie just didnt tell you" was used again.I told him if he went that was it, this was the final straw. When he got back from trip I asked him to leave and went to a lawyer. During this time he made contact with his other child. Now he thinks that my children should be told about this, in fact he was going to tell them Christmas Day, which I felt was totally inappropriate. We are not divorced yet, and my children have been very upset by all that has gone on.His family has done and said some not so nice things, and he has acted somewhat cold to the kids(sometimes not talking to them for over a week and then texting them rather than talking to them). I think that he should wait until things settle down for my children before he tells them. He thinks they should be told now, and that they will love finding out that they have an older sibling(they are 16&13).I asked him how his other child and the child's mom feel about all this and he doesn't even know. I think he should find out first before dropping another bomb on my children. I am heartbroken.I don't understand why he would feel the urgency to do this know. And after all this I sometimes don't want to go through with the divorce. Can anyone give me advice as to what to do and advice on how to handle this mess?

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They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

You made a bad choice to wed your OMM. He was bad husband material and father material.

I do not wish this on you or feel you deserve to suffer. Though the chickens have come home to roost. You have reaped what you have sowed.

Things are so messed up for you I think you will be best served by calling up the Harley's of the owners of this site for professional counseling.

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ginac Offline OP
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What is an OMM? And yes I was stupid enough to believe all the lies that this man told me then and continued to tell throughout our marriage. Unfortunately for me I unknowingly fell in love with a married man. I should have walked away years ago, but we all make mistakes and I thought he had just made a mistake with his first marriage, Seems terrible that someone can create such pain and chaos in peoples lives and then just walk away!

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I am not one to give advice....as I have made some really bad decisions lately. I am finally taking steps to divorce my H of 16 years.

I only have to say this: that it is very hard to let go and move on. To admit that the M is No GOOD. A very hard thing to do.

I think what will eventually happen is that you will lose all of your love for this man. He will continue to treat you poorly and then finally one day you will wake up and realize that you don't feel anything for him anymore.

It happened for me.... After almost 4 awful years of lies and cheating. I now wish that I had made the decision to Divorce my H 2 years ago instead of spending 4 years of my life hoping that he would change.

I know, not a very encouraging e-mail. But, just sharing my experience.

Good luck. I say get rid of him now. You will eventually move on emotionally even though your heart is stuck at loving him right now.


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Thanks for the response and the advice. You are right! I know I have to move on and I am half way there since I did go to a lawyer already. I just got stuck in this stall mode and I have been waiting for him to change or do something. Then have been disappointed when he doesnt. Also started thinking about things he said like you're gonna have to get full time job, sell the house,and you won't have health insurance and that made me really stall. I really have only myself to blame, just wish it didn't hurt my children so much.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me and I wish you good luck also.

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Sorry you are in this situation -- it would be even tougher for me if I faced the possibility of having to leave my home and lose health benefits. And he is being sooo rotten to your kids.

Is it possible he is having an Affair?


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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I don't know could be alot of people have asked me that and thought it, including my children. They have found things in his car. The sad part is that I don't care enough to find out, kind of just feel beaten up and like what is the point? I go from wanting him back to not caring. And I do think he uses telling my children about his other child at random moments to hurt me and stop me in my tracks. He has actually left me with $250 for 2 weeks which was supposed to pay for food gas and whatever. He tells me he has no money,but I know he does cause I have checked his account(he has put away thousands of dollars in the past 6 months) and he has no expenses. He is living with his mom, his job pays for the car, gas,and phone,and his mom and sister pay for his food. Sorry for rambling, thanks for listening.

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OM: other man

OMM: other married man

Term for affair partner.

What about you calling the Harley's?

Last edited by TheRoad; 02/25/09 07:29 AM.
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Thanks for the info about OMM.I guess what you were saying is that I had an affair with a married man, even though I did not know it at the time. When I found out I should have walked away and I didn't. Makes me sick to my stomach to think of that. Anyway I thought the Harley's were just about saving marriages and I honestly don't know if this should be saved. Also I assume it costs money and right now I am not in a position to pay someone. I am trying to save money for a counselor for my children because I think they are going to need it.This is literally making me physically ill. I am sick to my stomach and found a lump and of course that doctor wants money up front also.

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Go to the store and get a book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft. You need to read about why you ended up the way you did.

The number one statement of women who pick such men?

I keep thinking (hoping) he will change.

Never happens. He has treated you like property since before you were married. He will never change.

Do something right for your kids and show them they don't have to grow up like him (controller) or you (victim) - divorce him and start a decent life without him. If they don't see you stand up for what's right, they will become exactly like you or him. Your kids will be better off if you leave. Any decisions you make right now should be for THEIR benefit, not yours.

My D18 wanted me to move out, wanted to get an apartment and start over with nothing, just to get away from her dad, but I was too weak. So now she struggles with not becoming a victim. Don't do that to your kids.

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 Originally Posted By: ginac
Thanks for the info about OMM.I guess what you were saying is that I had an affair with a married man, even though I did not know it at the time. When I found out I should have walked away and I didn't. Makes me sick to my stomach to think of that. Anyway I thought the Harley's were just about saving marriages and I honestly don't know if this should be saved. Also I assume it costs money and right now I am not in a position to pay someone. I am trying to save money for a counselor for my children because I think they are going to need it.This is literally making me physically ill. I am sick to my stomach and found a lump and of course that doctor wants money up front also.
Go to http://www.unitedway.org and find the closest facility to you. Go to them and tell them what all you need help with - lawyer, doctor, medical bills, moving out...they will help you.

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ginac Offline OP
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Thank you so much for the advice and for sharing. I actually went to a lawyer because of my daughter. I watched her at 16 keep going back with a boy who was trying to control whom she spoke to and where she went and all I could think was she is going to end up like me. That is what made me act! Now I seem frozen and I can't figure out what my problem is. He actually threw me on the ground the other day and my children walked in and saw this,and I still have not called the lawyer to move to the next step!

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Thanks for suggesting I read that book. I have been reading it all day. It is very enlightening!I hope I can find the strength to go through with this.I keep telling myself that I will call the lawyer tomorrow and hasn't happened yet. So maybe reading this book will make me finally follow through. Thanks again!

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I'm so glad you're reading that book!

You can also go to http://www.unitedway.org and find your local center, call them and ask them what help they can give you - send you info on abuse, direct you to a women's shelter so you can go visit and talk with them for answers, give you access to a counselor...lots of things you can be doing now to strengthen yourself.

Also look for forums online for women in your situation. That would be better than being here, as this place is for saving marriages and you really need to leave yours. But please stay here, too, and let us help you get the courage to do what you need to do for you and your kids.

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Tried the Unitedway and the nearest one is about 45 minutes from my house, but will look for other places on line for dicussion and help. I finished the book it really opened my eyes to stuff. Some of the scenes depicted were almost exact to things that have happened in our home. Helped me to realize that it is not just my imagination and not being a drama queen. Thanks cat really helped.

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Glad it helped. Remember, if you ever feel in danger, it's time to leave immediately. Always have a bag packed in your car, complete with toiletries and shoes and extra keys.

I guess it's all relative. I drive 45 minutes each day to work, and 45 minutes each day home! And I never even leave the city!

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Yeah never used to think twice about driving, in fact I used to love driving, but I have grown to hate it. Living where I live(pretty much live in the woods) everything is 35to45 minutes away,malls,gyms,drs.,sporting events,etc. YOu know even after reading that book and finding all the similarities I am sitting here questioning myself thinking am I really in an abusive relationship? Don't understand myself!

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He convinced me to move to an isolated rural area an hour away from friends and family with the promise that his hours would change and he would be home at 3 everyday. Of course that did not happen.

Lisa11


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