I am wondering if there is a place here to seek support as a WW who is trying to find her way back to sanity.
The OM was my highschool sweetheart I almost married when I was 18 years old. I left my husband of 15 years a year ago. I read Dr Harley's book about 2 months after that but didnt follow his advice...neither did my husband.
I feel as though I became a completely diffent person....like I had a nervous breakdown last February. The last 9 months or so have been a slow 'awakening' process for me. My husband filed for divorce shortly after I left (in May of 08) but we were going thru bankruptcy so it is just now getting finished. We are not final yet. The last 6 months have been full of regret, anguish, tears, depression, etc. I have stayed with the OM....until now. I saw something in my husband's eyes and heard it in his voice a few weeks ago....hope that he might consider reconcilliation. Until then, he had assured me nothing I could do would make any difference.
Ever since then, I have realized that I WANT so much to be a family and that I want to do whatever is necessary to get the 2nd chance I have longed for.

BUT, yes, (shielding her head and ducking) I have to go through withdrawal from the OM after a year of us being together.....

Tonight is the first night of my withdrawal after I stood strong tonight when I felt like caving and clinging to the OM. He had been out of town on business and we were so looking forward to seeing each other this weekend......but I want my family more.

I am just so nervous about being able to withstand this all weekend.....and I am looking for hope....not just for these intense feelings of withdrawal to end...but also that it will be worth it in the end.

I moved out right away last February so husband and I have lived apart for a year. Spending time with him is not an option right now until he feels assured that this relationship is over and until we get some counsel on how to proceed.

I guess I just need your prayers and encouragement as I SOOOO want to do the right thing. I hate what I have done and who I had become.....I so want to be the woman I was who would have stood in front of a train to save her family....

Do you live with the OM?

No...I live in my own apartment.

My suggestion would be to get through withdrawal and THEN see if your H is interested in reconciling. To bring him in when you are not done with your affair would be extremely cruel and would likely doom your marriage for good. Best to get through withdrawal and make sure you are really done.

Does your husband know all about the affair and know the truth of why you left him?

I know what you are saying about being done with the affair...
My husband and I spoke today and he and I both expressed our desire to see our marriage healed...I think it is coming up because our divorce is so close to being final.
We are not going to be working on our marriage per say, until the withdrawal is done and until it is clear that I am on a good path. But unfortunately, I DID draw him in today...and yes, before the affair is really completely over....thinking it was OK because I had just ended it.

He knows I have just now cutting off the relationship so I know he is very very cautiously optimistic and scared....which he should be. Of course we haven't mentioned any chance of reconcilliation to anyone....especially our children. We wouldn't do that until things were WAYYYYYYY progressed, the affair a thing of the distant past and under the advice of a marital counselor.

What should I do differently now? I see how I could so easily bring him pain again and I don't want to do that!!! What should I tell him based on your advice?

And yes, he has known everything about the affair. I told him immediately after it started. as far as why I left...did he know it was because of the OM....yes. I was very up front about everything that was going on...I didn't try to hide it. (I am not proud of any of that....I caused my loved ones tremendous amounts of pain)

I would STRONGLY advise him not to stop the divorce and to not take this seriously unless you produce a rational plan for recovery that is backed up by action and committment. He should go slow and take his time.

If the affair is truly ended and you are both committed to a PLAN of recovery, then he should take this seriously. But he would be making a mistake to make any changes at this point. Sure, he should give you an opportunity to try and turn this around, but he shouldn't make any changes until he sees something concrete.

What is your PLAN to recover your marriage if you get that opportunity? How will you protect him from this happening again?

That sounds extremely wise. I will tell him about your advice.

I do not HAVE a plan other than no contact with the OM. I want a plan. I just remembered MB tonight. I don't own Dr Harley's book but could get it at the Library tomorrow.

I am willing to be accountable to someone (I have a friend who has offered to be this person and would be great...solid boundaries and can see through the crap!)....I am willing to do whatever....i just want to know how to proceed.

I will recommend to my husband to not change anything right now...to let the divorce move forward....that time will show if the affair is truly over. Does this sound right? I just don't want him to think that I have changed my mind about anything to do with him....I guess that time will prove that though won't it??

I understand the need for a plan....and it is something that I want and need. Would the best way to go about that be reading Dr Harley's book? Is there another resource for the WS who wants to be in recovery?

Have you been wanting the D through this all until now?

Time will prove nothing. It's what you do with the time that matters.

No.I have not wanted the divorce this entire time..I know it sounds insane....but I have been more and more sad about the divorce the more time has gone by. in the beginning (last April/May) all I wanted was to be with the OM and to get married to him. But of course, now that time has passed I can look back and see how stupid I was. However, I can relate to why a "withdrawal" has to happen. The OM has been my drug....and after a few failed "attempts" at staying apart last summer, I gave up and stopped trying because trying and failing brought more pain to everyone than just saying this is who I was going to be with.
My husband (who has been the most loving wonderful man whom I do NOT deserve) cried many many tears and finally had to pick himself up, brush himself off and go on with his life....he stopped being open to reconcilliation a few months ago...but probably that is just because I never gave him any evidence that I would be in a place to reconcile.

I am confused now.....do I REALLY want to reconcile...or am I just grieving the loss of our marriage and this is just what happens???

I agree with this statement. Good point.

Hi Inshreds

Whilst I was going through withdrawl I talked to my sis lots, she ws very sympathetic but also helped me to focus on the ultimate gaol which was getting through the withdrawl.

Other MBers on here suggested:

Making lists of OMs bad points and the good points of my H.

Removing triggers from environment: clothes, music, avoiding places and people

Every time he pops into your mind visualise a stop sign.

I found this site a huge help in uncovering how awful it was and seeing how the other man wasn't suitable for me and I was living in a total fantasy. EG Most OP are years and years older or younger.

Sometimes I just paced up and down by myself chanting "I will not make contact".

Hope this helps for your first stage so that it leaves you clear to continue
ST

in shreds,

Your story sounds so much like what I went through. My cliff notes version is in my signature. I was the WW, was separated for 2.5 years, finally ended the A and then, after some time, begged my BH for reconciliation.

After I ended the Affair, I literally spent about a month just writing and thinking. I did not want to run back to BH just because I was alone, he deserved better than that.

At the time, my BH and I had a very amicable relationship, saw each other several times a week for kid swaps, we were friendly. But I don't know if my BH knew of the status of the affair or of my hopes for reconciliation.

My advice to you is get through withdrawal, figure out what in the world you are doing and how are you going to fix this mess.

DO NOT CONTACT THE OM AT ALL!!!

shreds

Have you sent a NC letter to the OM?

Have you blocked/changed emails, phones?

Has OM tried to contact you?

Can you move back in with your parents while in withdrawal to help block OM's access to you?

Do you work with OM?

To only look at trying to restore the marriage would be unfair to your husband. You may admire him as a good man, a father, a husband, and a person. But that does not mean you love him. If his love cannot eclipse the OM then get the divorce and let the poor man heal. Are you sure you are not just being selfish? That you don't want to love him. That you only want him to not stop loving you? You should not have raised his hopes about reconciliation before you broke your affair for good with the other man.

ouch, with all due respect, of course she is not in love with her H right now. She had an AFFAIR. That is what Marriage Builders purports to REVERSE. In the MB plan of recovery, the goal is to CREATE romantic love based on the concepts of MB.

In order for her to fall back in love, she has to end her affair and work on a PLAN of recovery with her husband. It it very possible that her marriage can be restored if she truly does end her affair.

ouch, which Marriage Builders books are you familiar with?

inshreds, here is an outline of what it will take to recover and a link to a good article about recovery:

excerpts from Requirements for Recovery:

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
here

another good read: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

My concern was more that she told her husband before she has gotten over the other man.

all the details of the affair, how the contact was made, the circumstances, all of the information was given to him shorty after the affair happened. This is all information he has had and is very familiar with.

My question for now is.....how long will the withdrawal last?? I know that the ties to the OM are very strong since we have built a life together over the last year.

I feel terrible now for raising even a little hope in my husband...how unfair to him. I didn't see that at the time...I only felt desperate to DO something before the divorce was final to try to save our family. What started this thing was asking him if he would agree to see a marriage counselor with me before the divorce was final to see what would be necessary for us to save our marriage. He was very resistant at first but I kept asking him telling him I wasn't asking him to change his mind about anything...but just to go see the counselor.
That was just a few days go. He told me I seem so much more like my old self...I think that is why he has opening back up a bit.
And the weird thing is, I DO feel so much more like my old sane self. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry about what has happened. I describe the last year as the biggest mistake of my life and if I had to do it over again I wouldn't do ANY of it.
But at the same time, I have stayed with (not lived with...) the OM.
Who does this?????????????????? I feel like a whack job!!!!!!

And yes, the OM DID call me late last night ....professing his undying love for me....telling me he understands why I would go back to try to make things right with my family but saying that he also just doesn't see how we could be apart since we haven't been in a year. He was my first love when I was 15, we dated all thru highschool, almost got married....so there is a LOT of history with him.
I didn't give in to him and stayed alone in my apartment last night. That was a major thing since he is usually here on the nights I don't have my kids.

Did your husband know about the affair before you left? And I suppose you gave him all the "fog" talk like I dont love you anymore and such?? I too am a BH spouse, just battleing through day to day..And I can tell you, I am sure you H had his heart ripped out like I did, I can tell you one thing, the lies after lies I was told, and bad mouthing me all the years toghether, and making the last 12 look like it was a mistake..Is something, I am not sure I can forgive on..

This is what I suspected and is exactly WHY I suggested that your H NOT delay the divorce. There is a huge difference between a committment to recovering your marriage and just stopping the divorce because reality has come calling. Your affair has been horrendous abuse to your H and he would be crazy to put up with any more of this. If you change and get out of that mess, sure, it wouldn't hurt to consider it. But under any other conditions, he would be crazy.

Until you are done with your affair and are ready to demonstrate a sincere committment to rebuilding your marriage, your H would be crazy to fool around with this.

You do understand there is no future with your OM, don't you? 95% of affairs crumble in under 2 years and there is an 85% divorce rate of those that do end up married. That is because all the traits that made the affair possible, thoughtlessness, deceit, destroy the affair. You and your OM do not believe in faithfulness, so when something better comes along, you can be assured you will be passed over.

Ask yourself what kind of man fools with married women? A man who doesn't respect marriage and committment, thats who.