Is this an appropriate apology letter to my DH? (There just aren't any Hallmark cards for cheating, remorseful, wanting-to-make-it-better wives.)

My Dearest Husband,

I'm sorry just doesn't cut it, does it? We both know this. You've been in my shoes, and now I'm in yours. Ironically, we both know how we feel, don't we? Is this a blessing, My Love, or a curse? I think, perhaps, that it is both.

I'm sorry, My Husband, for not keeping my promise to you; I'm sorry for haphazardly throwing a deep, scarlet stain on the fabric of our marriage. I'm sorry for the pain I see you writhe in; I'm sorry for pointing the Selfish Gun at you and sending an emotional bullet through your heart. I'm sorry that my character is weak and lacking; I'm sorry that the pain from my actions is a choke collar pulled tight on your very soul. I'm sorry I broke your trust, spit on your kindness, and trampled your spirit. I'm sorry I have caused you shame; you are a great man with a scarlet-lettered wife: I am sorry.

I hate what I have done; what I've done to you, what I've done to us, what I've done to the sanctity of our marriage, what I've done to our children, our friends, our families. I burn in my shame and plead, like David, that God would indeed "cleanse" me, that others would not be contaminated by my hideous actions. My remorse is great; I have no doubt that it will last a lifetime.

"I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.

My words are not empty, My Husband. When I say, "I'm sorry," you will see actions from me, not just words. When I say, "I'm sorry," what I really mean is, "I will do anything for you to make this right; anything." I will become an apt student of my marriage vows, I will make good on the promises I have neglected. I will be love; patient, kind and longsuffering. I will be truthful and completely honest, going more than the extra mile to put any worries in your mind at ease. I will completely turn my self, my rights, my hobbies, my time, my heart, over to you--I will always put you first in my actions, even in my thoughts. I will work overtime to regain your trust and work tediously to help repair your broken heart. I will cry when you cry, understand when you're angry, be strong when you're weak, and nurse you back to health with my love, should you desire that. I would die for you, My Husband, but better yet, I will live for you; for us. And I will start today.

"And the greatest of these is love."

I love you. And I'm sorry.

Your Wife

If I may make a suggestion. Saying sorry is OK. But in truth saying sorry is actually you taking power. You offer and he can or not accept it. If I may suggest. Forgiveness is what you seek from him. That is giving him the power and requires a response from him. It recognizes that he is the wronged party. When you ask him for forgiveness he is then able to show you love and grace (unearned and unmerited favor) by giving it to you. I believe it is much more restorative to his dignity and self respect then an apology. I think sorrow is best expressed when it is a personal, reflective, attitude. Something you give to yourself. Something that you learn from so that you can avoid having to go there again. Just some thoughts.

If I can make another suggestion. Hold off on the letter for a little while. Maybe a few days. If you are going to start marriage counseling, I think it would be a great opening reading and really expressive to your husband if you read it in front of your counselor to him. I think is would be a wonderful sign of respect to him and may help him open up and feel safe that he can then express his feelings openly. Some guys have a very difficult time sharing there feelings unless it is anger.

bbb,
Alright, you've made it this far. I admire your determination to help you DH. Keep in mind he can only go along with you at his pace right now. As a former BS, I really needed some time to process everything. This is why they call this "D" day. It is something he will never forget. He will go through evey emotion all within days. Be ready to comfort him when he is in need, and he will be. Remember, nothing changes in one day. It will be one small step after another. Just let him get his feet under him first.

A couple of suggestions-
1- Start one post on the board and let it run. Everyone can easily follow along and be up to speed with you.
2- Schedule a call with Steve Harley. It really helped me as a BS and my FWW get onto the same page. Your BH will see this a good sign that your really serious about working together. Besides Steve is THE EXPERT here. Again, if you DH is not ready, don't force it on him. Plant the sead first, and come back to it later if he's oppossed right now.

Finally, take time to catch your breath. Build your strength as study.... Take care... Good job!

From the first paragraph, it seems that you are implying that your H had an affair and you forgave him. Is this the case? If not I would not compare some small things with having an A.



Umm How have you caused him shame? You did this not him.



Seems hollow, short term and unlikely to lead to a healthy marriage.

How did this cause him shame? Wow. It causes him shame because she has cuckolded him. She had and affair which will cause him to lose face. From now on he will wonder in his mind if the other man was a better lover then him. She will tell him no. But he will never stop wondering.

It is good that she is making the effort. I think she just needs to slow down so her words can catch up to her feelings.

Ouch,

He may feel shame, or inadequate, but she should not say she has caused him shame. He should only feel shame or guilt for things he has done himself.

I did not feel shame, I felt hurt, jealous, hated, inadequate, .., but not shame or guilt. I felt all of this even though I knew I am taller, bigger (and everything works), better educated, younger, make more money, in better shape, and better looking ( I'm not brad pitt but he is danny devito ).

Shame is what she should be feeling and she should tell him that he has no shame in her eyes.

Maybe humiliation is a better word to describe what her husband is feeling. Or dishonored. Or disrespected. Or feeling violated.

The shame is on bbb.

I still feel shame. This is the last thing I want anyone meeting me and working with me to know about. I don't want the looks, the how could she stay with him after what he did to her thoughts and discussions about me. It shouldn't be shameful to the BS but it is because everyone looks at us wondering what we did to cause it. Just as we question ourselves.

Fled

I like it a lot.
I think it's too early to give it to him, he's not ready to hear that you're sorry. But I think it's good for you to be expressing your remorse and I think one day he'll appreciate it.

I'm sorry that my character is weak and lacking; <- make this past tense. WAS weak and lacking.

Very nice however right now he it is not going to make much differance in how he feels. He has just heard the love of his life had an affair. I doubt at this point it would do much good. Give him a few days and show him how sorry you truly are.

Hi, BBB.

I've checked your other post. Can you please clarify if you told your H about your A and what happened?

I'm a FWW so my input is perhaps not coming from the right angle here -- I would take a BS's advice over mine in this case. But something to think about...

This part: "I will completely turn my self, my rights, my hobbies, my time, my heart, over to you--I will always put you first in my actions, even in my thoughts."

Will you really, truly do this for the rest of your life? I'm a real stickler for absolute words like always and never. I ask because 6 months from now when you have an important appointment that you're late for but your H wants you to go get him some ice cream first, will you always put your needs second to his desires? I am not trying to minimize this. It's just you're putting this in writing and not having any idea what kind of a person your H is, I don't want him holding this promise over you for the rest of your life together to justify treating you as a doormat.

If you have confessed everything, right now and for quite some time you will do anything for him that you may not have pre-A, including accepting LBs. I know. BTDT. But depending on your H, he may or may not abuse your remorse to his unfair advantage indefinitely and I don't want you to get backed into a corner.

It's his turn. You chose and now you need to follow his lead. You need to do whatever is necessary to help your H through this. Just be careful that down the road LBs which may surely come at you the next few days and weeks, do not become a way of life for you.

Among all the things you list you will do, add that you will answer any questions he has. You mention that you will be "truthful and completely honest" which is great. Add that you will do anything to help him heal and you will answer every question he has.

This is tough, huh. So hard yet so right.

Stay the course.

Take care.

You guys are great; I'm so glad I have all of you.

I'm going to revamp this letter--thanks for all the input. I'm not going to give it to him yet, but it helps ME to write it out; perhaps it will help HIM when the time is right.

6yearsleft, the first paragraph is an adequate paragraph. I won't go into details at this time, but H knows what it means.

As 'discussed' by a few of you, I think I will take out the word "shame" and change it to one of the more appropriate words.

Looking4, your advice is, as always, incredible. To my shame, my own motto (and anyone who knows me would tell you this is how I am) is, "I mean what I say, and I say what I mean," so yes, I weigh heavily the words I use. I think, quite possibly, the only way to really make a marriage lasting AND pleasant is to ALWAYS put the other spouse first. But, you're right, there is a huge difference between, "I will always strive to put you first," and "I will always put you first."

ouchthathurt, I had a whole section on forgiveness, but took it out, as I felt like I could not ask anything of H at this time, even for his forgiveness. I felt that "I'm sorry" needed to be the foundation before I could ask the request of "please forgive me." Maybe I'm getting ahead (or behind!) myself.

I am going to start a new thread as an update, so much has happened in such a short amount of time, and I will let that thread run, as mr. fallenhero has suggested. I hadn't thought to do that, so thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks to y'all for all your help.

BBB

bbb,

If you were to entirely remove the first paragraph, I would say the letter is good.

But by putting in that first paragraph, you virtually eliminated the truth of the apology. You undercut him from the get-go.


Take out that first paragraph and send it. When you apologize for what YOU HAVE DONE, you absolutely NEVER bring up what the other person has done to you.

Own your stuff - it has NOTHING to do with his. You decided to have this affair, he didn't. If you ever expect to get the same kind of apology for what he did to you, then give him the apology he deserves for what you have done, and do not bring up anything he has done in this apology letter. Apologies are meant to be clean.

SB