I have posted under 'found on on my birthday' and he is still not wanting to even try to save our marriage. He told me that I must erase him from my mind and heart. How do I do that? This was the man of my dreams? I adore him and would take him back even after the infidelity with the OW. He is making a life with her now..here I am alone missing him and wanting him back. My WH is going to be 50, was let go 5 years ago from a working at a company for 27 years..he took it very hard. He had a good position there and since then has been a 'job-jumper'. He had severance so there was money for him, plus I work full time so money was not the issue. His pride was the issue. He has been depressed, crying, feeling like less of a man..I tried everything there was to build him up and tell him together we would get through this. I never once got angry or belittled him, I only supported him and loved him.
After only 4 years together, he tells me that when he met his childhood sweetheart from 1976 after a reunion we went to..his heart and feelings were only for her. That was Nov 6 2008..Dec 12 was the day they rented a room and spent the entire afternoon doing you know what while I was at work. Jan 1 he wants a separation to find himself (I still did not know about the OW at this point)..he asked if we could separate..I was in shock, but I agreed if he needed space then fine..we would work it out. He became increasingly difficult to live with during the next 2 weeks, I didn't know how to treat him, he became distant. So we agreed that I should move out to make it easier on him to figure himself out. I found a month to month lease and it is fine..I cannot afford the mortgage on my own. I figured I would be home in a short while since we were perfect together..best friends, a bond that could not be broken - or so I thought. So on Feb 11, my birthday he calls me to the house (had to leave work early)..he was in a panic..and told me about the OW. He only told me because the OWH found out and so did her children. The OW had moved out of her house and left her 3 kids (2 are pretty much grown up, but one is still small) to be with my H.
I want him back for whatever foolish reason..we were only married 4 years..this was to be my soulmate for life! He is gone and has not intention or desire to come back to me right now. Our house is sold, and he is going to move in with the OW.
Can someone tell me or confirm to me that I may as well give up? Am I being irrational thinking he may come back to me? Should I want him back? I feel like my heart was pulled out of my chest and half of my body is gone..and he doesn't care. He has no concern over what this has done not only to me, but the OW's family and how devastated they are..She was married 27 years to her H...My friends tell me to forget him..he is a poison and move on..I just can't feel that way yet..I am SOOOO LOST

HAve you exposed the affair? Have you spoken to the OWH yourself to find out what is going on over there? Have you exposed to your family and your kids?

Its too bad you moved out.

Yes..I have told everyone about it. I am also in contact with the OWH and he too was told the same thing from his WW..that she needed time and space. These 2 are justifying their relationship because they were 'steady' when they were 15 - 16 years old. She is now 48 and my H is 49 soon to be 50. They are living in a fog of old feelings. My H has documented all of their escapades and I found it..disgusting!
We have children, but not together..I have been married 2 times before..not the best marriages..and finally thought I had the right one for me. My children are grown and gone and so are his..now the OW 10 year old is in the picture..how can a person go from being free as an empty nester back into this? The OWH is not going to let my H be around his daughter too easily either.
If I had of known about the A I would NEVER have moved out..I was trying to make it better for my H thinking that this would help speed up his issues. I suggested counselling but of course he would not go.
I am going to counselling to try and deal with this. I don't know how they are going to make it together though with limited income (I now earn more than my H) and no common interests. My H and I did everything together because we enjoyed them...he was my best friend and my lover..now he is gone..I guess I have to do as he asks and erase him but that will take a very long time.

Hi Broken,
I too seem to be in the same boat of feelings or lack of from WH. He tells me that he doesn't think he will ever feel in love with me. What I don't understand is that he has told me he loves me but yet feels like he can never be in love with me. I've got a few postings detailing my situation. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat (most of the time in secret from my D8 and him). I'm not sure what to do next and hope I can get some advise here soon. I have been reading quite a bit of the posts here but they all seem to have a remorseful WS willing to work at it. My H doesn't seem remorseful at all and seems to be withholding affection from me now. The truth is that we can not afford for him to leave and so I feel like that is the only reason he is here now because of other conversations we've had about him leaving. He also mentioned "in house seperation". Not sure exactly what that is. I did read a little bit on it but it appears to me that it's just a stepping stone to divorce. I love him dearly too inspite of the 2A's he's had and all the fog babble he's said in the last month. I am at a loss of what to do. I'm sorry about your situation. I too miss my H even though he's home it still seems like he's not. The distance is unreal sometimes. I sometimes wonder if he wasn't home if I could get him out of my heart and mind but from reading your post it seems like it's hard either way. Best wishes.

Hi ForTheLove
I stayed in the house for 2 weeks so I know what this in house separation is all about and I just could not continue it..it was too painful. Since it was not me that wanted the separation, I didn't really know how to act? Do I make him supper? Do I bring him a coffee? We slept in the same bed, he held my hand at night, hugged me..no, we did not make love, but we were close..but then after is when I found out that all along he was making love to the OW.
The feeling of loss is so strong..but now I need to become whole again without him..but I am not sure how to do that either. So many people give advise on moving on and I agree, so many on this site have WS that are willing to try..mine is not..he is indifferent to me..totally.
I cry, then I am okay, then I am angry, then I am okay, and then I cry again..sobbing, like I just want to disappear..and then I am okay for a bit.
My kids are grown and gone..one lives over a 1000 miles away in the military..my daughter lives here, but has a life of her own with a new baby..they are there for me, but I don't want to keep my pain in the open with them. Sooner or later people will want me to just get over it..but I have only known for 2 weeks! How do I just erase him and get over it? I am not made of stone!
Neither are you..how do we do this? How do we move on without our loved one?
It is just so hard.

Hi Broken,
I've read so many things that tell me to not try to fix the problems right now but to focus on getting the marriage on track, reconnecting but how do you do that with a spouse that tells you he's completely checked out and doesn't think he will ever feel in love with you again. He tells me he is trying but that when he hugs me or kisses me that he feels worse because theres nothing there. I'm not sure if that is guilt or he really doesn't feel anything for me. I'm afraid that because we can not afford for him to move out that it may be the only reason he is still here. In the mean time today he mentioned pulling our D8 out of private school and use the tuition money towards paying something off. Which leads me to believe that he may be looking for ways to be able to afford to move out. On the other hand when we spoke about the new school she would be attending he mentioned "us" being able to ride our bikes to and from school with her. That is one of the things that has me so confused. One minute he wants out the other he makes comments about us being together. Did you spouse do that? I keep thinking of why I'm so determined to hold on...because of the love I have for my DD or him, for our family or if it's because I'm afraid I won't make it with out him. The thing is that my job is not very secure right now and if I loose it I don't think I will be able to find another job making the money I do now since I've been there for 21 years. Not to mention that I believe he would run back to OW and that idea kills me. He tells me that he has not had contact but like I mentioned he did because of his job on Friday. He told me that he didn't feel anything for her but I find it hard to believe when he was so sure that she was the one he's been looking for all his life. Soul mate, lover etc. When I think about all the things he has said I get angry and want to end it all once and for all but the thought of my little girls world turning upside down kills me. When I first found out and told him we were done...we agreed to divorce we told our D and she was devastated. She sobbed for 45 minutes and had millions of questions. We were honest with her and I feel that just about destroyed her. She asked me that if Daddy was leaving for OW if that meant he loved her more than us. I reassured her that HE could NEVER love anyone more than her. I can not put my little girl through that again. I feel so empty inside and find it harder and harder as time goes by to function. I know in my heart that I could not do the in house separation. I wish he would just tell me that he is committed to working things out in a long term basis instead of this "I don't know" crap he tells me every now and then.

I am beginning to think that we give too much power to the WS..they treat us like puppets. One minute nice and caring and then the next..cold and distant.
My WH has not tried in any way, shape or form to try to make our marriage work. He is totally and completely in love with the OW. He cannot even think of being without her. So here I am feeling like a cast off piece of furniture replaced with a better model.
I went to our house yesterday and took some furniture out..gave it to my daughter and her fiance. I also took every picture and all decorative pieces out..I bought them..he did not contribute toward any of it.
The house is now devoid of feeling. There is furniture, but no spirit left in it. He is moving in with the OW in May..that is the closing date of our house. The closing date of my marriage. I am alone..don't know where to start over, but I will. I will make it. I am not having any contact whatsoever with my H..I have to accept that this chapter is now closed and ended.
How sad..How I wish I could stop crying..how I wish I could stop caring for him. He has been cold and unkind..how I wish...

Broken,
I'm so sorry to hear how it's going for you. My H hasn't tried to work on our M either. He keeps telling me that he is totally checked out and KNOWS he will not get it back. He tells me it's painful to be in the marriage. When we do have sex he tells me that he feels bad about it and can't enjoy it. I don't know if this is still fog babble or what. I feel so crushed when he tells me those things. I sometimes think that I should just give up and call it quits but the thought of my little girl growing up in a broken home just kills me. I know I have grown and have worked on myself to make the changes he had asked for years ago. He has noticed them but tells me too little too late. He said that he feels like I did them out of desperation and not because he had asked me. I know the changes I have made are going to stay with me with or without him. I'm scared and feel really lost. I have another thread on the general questions II forum if you get a chance to read please do so and let me know what you think.
I am so sorry to hear your H is moving in w/OW. That i'm sure can not be easy at all. Crying will help so don't try to stop yourself. At least that is how I feel. After a good cry (uncontrollable sobbing more like it)and a few prayers I feel better. It seems to give me strength for some reason. You know I hear that those relationships don't last. Do what is best for you and take care of you. It's a good thing you don't have little one's to consider during all this but the pain is just as hard i'm sure. Please keep me posted.

Hey, Ladies!

Welcome to MB- the club nobody wanted to join. I am glad that you are here- believe me, it is the best place for you.

Both of your situations are recent. It will take months, maybe even years before the situation is worked out.

Have you read about Love busters (LB) emotional needs (EN) and Plan A and Plan B?

Both of you should study plan A at this time. Learn about Love buster's and how NOT to do them. Do not pressure you WS for "relationship talk" right now- they are so screwed up ( we call this A talk FOG) that they will state anything they please.

Try to learn all you can, quickly, and keep posting looking for help.
Nancy