Hiya

Slightly contentious. But thought I'd throw this out there.

Does anyone think that once you get to a certain point after an A (I mean emotionally) reading the forums, reflecting on your own position can in some slight way prolong withdrawl?

Or is it just that it's difficult not to be affected by the sadness in some posts?

Or, do I think too much?

Thank you for looking

ST

What specifically is effecting you?

I just wonder whether when empathising stirs lots up. Maybe if I didn't read on here at the mo I would think less about the A. Although when I do come on here I usually only think of my experience from d-day.

I think very deep down I miss the conversation and admiration of the A. But then I haven't really seen anything here that would trigger that specifically.

Maybe it's because this is conversation and somewhere along the line when someone thanks you for your input you feel good about yourself.

Many people, both WS and BS are triggered by reading here. Others read and learn.

One question, has hubby gone to anger management? If not, I suggest you join a women's group dealing with domestic violence so that you have some support.

Who are you empathising with that triggers you? WS's or BS's?

How is your marriage recovery coming? Do you have an active plan and is your H on board?

Yeah, I definitely read and learn too.

H has done anger management - apart from the odd minor (and I mean very occasional) yell he has seemed cured since before the A was over. (Total of nearly 7 months) He isn't complacent about it though.

Thank you

I think this forum can be a valuable place for you - triggers can inspire a change in thinking and/or attitude.

Your thoughts/attitudes will be challenged and/or applauded - it all depends on YOU



this is new ~~~>

I guess it's WS who are doing the same things as me. Realising what they've done, confessing, withdrawl and working at R.



Our recovery seems to be working really well. H is 100% on board and has been from dday apart from 2 brief wobbles in the first few days.

We look forward to seeing each other (after work), we'd rather spend time in each other's company than anywhere else. We sit down and plan when our time alone is going to be and work out what we are going to do in it. We have fallen back in love.
We're actively trying to meet each other's ENs

ST

OK, so I should hang around and hope that I work through these triggers and face them rather than avoid them.

Thanks

ST

I guess I don't see what about your post is contentious.

I was on these boards several times a day - found great help here and tried to give some help - for about 3 1/2 months (last month of Plan A and first 2 1/2 months of Plan B. I started coming less in the 3rd month of Plan B and, now in the 4th month, haven't been here for a few weeks. The reason was that I was getting stronger and needing the support less - but also because, for me, the time I was spending on the boards "working my issues" was becoming functionally costly. I HAD to step back and work on things that needed working on - then I stayed "stepped back" because I needed emotional distance from the affair, pain, divorce, etc.

Now I'm back because I want to try to help others for a while. Basically I think it depends on the person. If you need a break, take a break. If you need support, ask for it. Read other stories if that is helpful to you; ask questions; give support; think creatively; but by all means develop other things to do with your time. If you're dodging specific issues or advice, however, it may be that there's something there you need to deal with.

Just my two cents.

- M

And you can get support to maintain no contact. Everyone goes through withdrawals, but if you start triggering about your affair partner, jump on MB.

Hi ST,

I suppose everyone is different, but for me, this place has been a Godsend in changing the way I think completely. (Just like Pep said! )

Something that Mel brought up is important too...If you find yourself empathizing with the WS (the perp), then you've got a ways to go yet and, imo, should stick around until your empathy is extended in the right direction - towards the BS (the victim)...

Know what else? It's okay if you feel good about helping someone get to a healthy place...That is a legitimately admirable thing to do, and it's okay to enjoy admiration for things like that! Not like the false admiration that you received in the affair for doing something that was most certainly NOT admirable...

A very good friend of mine is a member of AA, and they have a philosophy there that I agree with, and that is: "In order to keep it, you must give it away". You do that by being "of service" to others...I think MB is but one way of being "of service" and it works for me...for us...MB is one of the things that keep Mr. W and I focused on our marriage and how very valuable it is...

Anyway, hope something I've said helps...

Mrs. W

Ahhh, there's our star, Mrs. W.

THAT has been very helpful to me - support for NC - and still is, since I know I can come here for it.
- M

I would change that "hope" to determine

Thank you all for clearing the trees, I now have my eyes back on the wood.

I definitely do empathisise with the BS and I'm sure my recovery wouldn't be going quite so well if I didn't. It's just that the WS posts make me slightly trigger. When I do trigger, I don't desire contact with the FOM anymore, just a few of the bits from the A.



Good Spot!

B and Miriam, you're quite right about the NC, I have jumped on here (and advised others to do so) whenever there is a pang to contact.

"In order to keep it, you must give it away". You do that by being "of service" to others...

Mrs W, I think that is spot on. I like to think that I am able to do my little tiny bit.

Weight lifted again for now

Thank you