hey im new here, but looking for some advise. I am comming up on a 19th anniversary to a very loving/understanding, and patient wife. over the years, i guess it has allowed me to become very selfish, and distant, which has us now separated now for a couple months. in the last week we have been trying to work it out, although she is still not at home, and have made some great strides towards rekindling the relationship we once had.

She would like to go away on our anniversary that is comming up on the 17th of march. I have never been good with this sort of thing, and especially our anniversary because my wife hates the cold, and i love the outdoors. She would like to just get a hotel room in a different city, hibernate there for the weekend, and that would be alright. I would like to go above and beyond her expectation, and do something that will surprise her, with a great day or 2 out sightseeing (she loves to travel and see things) maybe renew/new marriage vows, and new rings. I have been trying to feel out her acceptance of this without spoiling the surprise, but i dont want to push her too fast either, and ruin the weekend.

I am just looking for any advice as to how to figure out what the right thing to do would be

If she is willing and responding to still working on the marriage, let things happen naturally, allow the weekend to be calm, when you get home tell her how great it was and then give her the gifts, accept her wishes for the weekend, and give her all the attention in the way she wants it. Respect her wishes, let's not make it about what you want this time. Just be emotionally available, and attentive. Just some suggestions!

2X,
My suggestion would be look back and try to remember the things that really made her happy (then and now). Those memories should give you clues into what you may want to do during your trip.

GG

It sounds like you want things the way they were for 18 years. I read selfishness between the lines. She may be testing your intentions. You don't sound sincerely and completely committed to her needs and interests even when you are missing her. You report what "she hates" and "you love." hmmmm If she has given too much of herself, she may not remember what she loves. If this is the case, be prepared for time and safe space as she rebuilds and remembers herself. Trust her requests without trying to formulate your own improved plan. Once she feels respected and safe your wife may love your surprises. I would pray fervently for wisdom, patience and reflection here. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a workout gym for the selfish heart? The pain of recovering from 18 years of flab (neglect) might be too much to endure, but we could rebuild it over time with a trainer. MB provides the training if you stick with it. You are breaking the old habits by just posting! Good job 2xs!

First off let me say that I think it is great that you are taking responsibility for your part in the decline of the relationship. Thats a big first step and sometimes the hardest one to take.

I see that you are new here. Have you read all of the material on the website? A great place to start is Basic Concepts.

I would shy away from surprising her with renewing your vows. I'm assuming the reason you want to do this is show her you are ready for a clean slate and a new commitment, but I feel its a little premature for that. To me it would be like buying a house with no idea as to how or even if you're going to pay for it. Have you given any thought to her ENs, the LBs you commit, and just overall how you are going to be a better husband to her? I feel you really need to invest some time thinking about things like this and practicing them before you can expect anything in return from her.

As far as your anniversary I would ask her what she wants and plan something together. To me its just too soon to try and wow her with a surprise, especially if you're not sure what she would like. Just too much pressure on her. If your selfishness has been a big factor in the problems you're having that would be a way to show her that you value her input and opinions. And you shouls start to figure out a way to show her you can be the man she needs on a daily basis, not just on one special occasion.

thanks for the insight, i guess i will just tone the weekend down to a quiet hibernation away from everything.

I agree with the above poster. A friend of mine's husband had recently proposed they do the same thing (renew their vows) but with all their problems, she wants to wait.

well things have gotten worse now anyway. She is depressed, and it is pretty serious. Today she met with a phycologist, and the end result is that i can only see her on weekends, and now she is going away this weekend so im giving up hope that this is going to work itself out.

If she loves to travel a and see things, a trip (not too far away) may be nice.
You could take the train, means that you do not have to buy the tickets until the day of event.
Hotels are more reasonable last min anyway, online, and there will not be a rush in May (March anyway)

You could make tenative plans, and as things get closer deside if they are appropriate.

Just because someone is depressed, and seeking help does not mean recovery is not possible.

My concern is I see this as a "grand gesture" on your part. What are you doing, small steps now, everyday to assure your wife that you are changing, understand that you are, indeed, in need of change and willing to work on recovery?

Also, with grand gestures sometimes come grand expectations. Those expectations are where the trouble comes in.

You should plan a your butt off.

Have you two done the emotional needs questionnaire? I would work from that. We did that right after and you know how much of that I have seen. Nuttin! Mine were really no big deal things, but things that I would love to do. We used to dance alot when we were date and life before kids. I would love to just come home, have the lights dimmed, some of our fav cd's playing and just sway together in our family room. To me, simple things mean the most, don't need to spend a lot of money, or go anywhere.

I don't know how far out you are from d-day. Really don't think seperation is a good way of working things out tho.