They arrived at work, the card reads "Thanks for the weekend, Love (H)".<P>You can read my post THE WEEKEND from yesterday. I didn't do anything spectacular. Other than the roses being really, really nice, would anyone hazard a guess what they mean? I know I'm the only one here that actually knows my H, but this is a total surprise for me. This is the first time he's spontaneously (no reason--not anniv or Bday or Vday) sent flowers in almost 2 years.<P>He's got the girls for visitation tonight, as neither of them wanted to stay at X's, he'll be dropping them off about 9 MST. Is effusive thanks proper in Plan B?<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Lor,<P>They do the strangest things don't they!<P>Since I failed at plan B I don't know what you should do. <P>Sure was a nice gesture on his part.<P>Just wanted to say hi.<P>Hoping

Hi, Lor. I don't know what to tell you about Plan B - I'm still allergic to it! But wanted to say OOOOOOOHHHHHH at the roses.<P>How Sweet!<P>Enjoy them. And I think a thanks would be appropriate. (Told you I'm not a good Plan B-er!!!)<P>Lori

Lor <BR>You deserve the flowers just for being special. Maybe he is starting to see the truth in that

Lor, You need to send those roses back asap!! It is not part of plan b ya know.....<P>Too cute. I like this h of yours, and I am just so happy for you!! (((hugs)))

Keep the advice coming (uh, such as it is ).<P>Hoping, yes...I know you too find yourself going "Wha the..." Update, dear. Email Amelia109@aol.com<P>Lori, maybe a Lor(i)can't do Plan B. I call for research! (Yeah, I'm Lori as well--I CAN'T keep the secret anymore! Were you born 1960'ish? In a high school graduating class of 27, 5 of us were Lori. [Soooo, who is AMELIA? (from my email address)] <P>Thanks WS, you are too sweet . I envy you for your bonfires. <P>CL, Gee, honey, you scared me. I thought I might have to fling the roses down the front steps at my H--and these do have the thorns.<P>I tell you, Plan B & maybe A as well need a CD-Rom where we can just punch in "PLAN B SPOUSE GOT ROSES" & the computer figures out what we should do.<P>MB has the greatest people. Chardonnay all around, except for the non-Chardonnay-ers, they may have what they wishhhtstch. <BR>

Hi Lor....<P>Enjoy your flowers.....it sounds like your H is starting to get his wake-up call. Your Plan B must be having an affect on him.

Congrats on those roses. You must be doing plan Lor magnificently.<P>Still, don't call...don't be too available. Be fresh and breezy, but not mushy.<P>And continue to live your life for you and those girls. Your H can jump on the wagon as it is rolling!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Lor:<P>Congratulations on the flowers. I too haven't gotten any from husband in over two years, including the "occasions".<P>Well, my advice is to rethink things. Plan B is for when YOU need it. It doesn't look to me like you WANT IT, never mind need it. Are you love-busting or suffering with your self-esteem? Doesn't seem so.<P>I suggest you visit the Divorce Busters site/ book and think about Last Resort (if you haven't done so already). Maybe you shouldn't do the no contact part of B, but I feel strongly you should do the getting on with your own life part, along with the no pursuing, being mysterious, and focusing on YOU. It's time for that. It's also time for your husband to start feeling the impact of his separations by not enabling him during that time.<P>I really don't know what's driving your husband, as it's clear he's not currently in an in-love affair (unless it exists in his brain only). I think he's really depressed. All I keep reading/hearing is you can't help someone who won't help themself. My opinion is you would benefit from some distance from him, but you might not need B.<P>Don't beat yourself up. B is only for when you need it. If you really did need it, you would probably be able to do it.

No trust, thanks. As I've said, I've done a lousy Plan B, but maybe there was enough change in my behavior to be noticeable?<P>FHL, I think your advice is good--as usual.<P>Distressed, I thought I was ready for Plan B. But as you said, he's not with the OW, even if he's seeing her date his housemate. He is depressed, has been for a long time, even before the affair. But he won't stay on anti-deps & he can't seem to cope with family life without them. I'll re-read Last Resort. I really appreciate your input.<P>Okay, the rest of last night:<P>I thanked him when he brought the girls home and then I slept with him. I think I can only call this last week a Plan B attempt, I'm apparently unable to give up A. Anyway H says the roses were for being so nice to his family this weekend and for all the things I do for him. And he loves me.<P>Letting him stay was confusing for the kids. And when my 14 year old saw the roses, she said, "Are they from Dad or some other guy?" That surprised me, since I'm not dating or calling AT ALL. My poor kids, they must wonder what is coming next. I told them on the way to school this morning that I love their dad, this situation is confusing for me as well as him, but we are trying to find our way.

Sounds like plan "Lor" is up and running. I would urge you to still not call him, invite him in, and do your best to look like you are moving ahead. If he calls you, always end the conversation first and do your best to only discuss what he called about, no new stuff while you have him on the line unless of course you are telling him about something that makes it look like you are moving ahead. <P>Lor, since OW is (giggle) out of the picture, what do you think is the root cause of your H's trouble with recommitment.<P>Do you really think it is the anti-depressent thing? If you really think it is or at least very important, why does he not want to take them? Can you or anybody he respects reframe his reasoning for him?<P>One other caution. Keep your girls feelings in mind. If they see H sleeping over and then hurting you somehow, that might increase their anger toward him which of course makes reconciliation tougher in the family aspect which of course influences your private relationship. You can not protect them from you H's actions and decisions, but you can make sure your own actions and decisions are congruent with their best interests. I'm sure that is a grey line, but give it some thought.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Lor, I can't understand that H of yours!! He says he loves you. You seem to have gotten his attention with your modified Plan B. You love him so much. You're a strong lady.

Hi Lor: I did a lousy Plan B as well and fell into bed with H on several occasions before he came home. But it was for me, not for him entirely. I needed to feel that he still loved me, I needed him to feel what he was missing and walk away missing us. I agree with Faith and Distressed on their excellent advise. Light and breezy is the call of action, light thank you for the roses and remember, there's a lot of power in not giving a sh** or at least acting as if you don't. Storming the heavens for you. Good luck, Lor. Could he be coming out of the fog? <BR>

Thanks Janie.<P>FHL, I do like your advice. I'm giving it a go. But, I LOVE to talk with my H, it's tough to cut the conversation off. You'd have been proud of me the other afternoon when he was picking up the kids, I was dressed like I was going somewhere (I was, the post office ), make-up, etc, kept checking my watch.<P>Catnip, I'm praying the fog is lifting. I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in lousy B.

Yes I am proud of you, checking your watch like that.<P>How much weight do you give the dynamic of OW dating room mate?<P>Other than that, everything pretty much the same with his leaving this time except he now has talked about D?<P>Lor, your H seems comfortable being part time H/lover and part time father. Plus he feels this situation is stable because he has had the opportunity to come and go and you are always supportive of him and the marriage (as you should be, of course).<P>I just think anything positive that will get him out of that comfort zone or make him feel less stable without actually doing anything threatening or disrespectful of the marriage, may help.<P>But if you think he is headed for a crash with the new dating situation and that is in your favor, then maybe the dynamics are different this time.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13