Let me ask you this. Why did you marry you did not love? Most people would not do this.

Why do you have trouble doing something simple like simply asking him to hug and hold you why you cried your eyes out for your brother? Even friends do this for one another and you state repeatedly your H has always been your good friend.

Why are you constantly struggling with this "blockage" within you? You had it before your H, and you will have it if you leave him.

Why has your H hung in there with you?
I think I know the answer and I KNOW BCB knows. He was the right man for the job, he has known it although I am sure he has doubts now. You knew and know it that is why you married him.

He is not your problem

You are battling to break free. I sincerely believe it is not your H you need to break free of, but the shackles of the past.

Nowis
I have been learning and I encourage you that most often prior to a breakthrough there will be a storm or a crisis. This crisis is important as it allows us to get to the end of ourselves.

So when you are ready ask God for direction. Ask God for help and keep asking until you get an answer. I can honestly tell you it works. I have been cynical and skeptical all my life, and I am experiencing an amazing breakthrough. All I can say is it is real and God does answer prayers.

I am praying for you Nowis. Seek Him with all your heart and all your strength, be persistent. God wants to pour out His love and fill that void in your heart. The depression you feel is only a side effect of the hurt and rejection you experienced. God is healing me from this and He can do the same for you.

Maybe the 'door to God' is one I am reluctant to open. You see, sitting there in this anxiety/depression group last night, at this church; open with prayer, close with prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, I realized how rejecting of God that I am. How irritated I am with it all. You see I expected more from God but feel He didn't really show up.

You know sitting there with the Psychologist yesterday I could hear you saying, and others, in the imaginary voices I have for all of you(!) that this woman is not a good one to listen to. She is not for my marriage. She is for the woman making her own life apart from the man.

He is the right person for me. I know I stand at a crossroads in my life. I don't know how to let it all go. I think life as I know it today has me at breaking point. I know I still hold on tightly to everything so that the ropes don't snap - they're pretty taut. I know I should let them snap but it's all I know. I think you and everyone else and my H wishes they would snap. I'm so grateful my H is hanging in there for me even though I tell him to let go.

I am not accusing you of this, but I wonder if your need to control, fear of letting go, and thus control is perhaps driven by something chemical rather than by your life experiences. It is something to think about.

You see his love for you in his words and actions. He knows deep down you love him, although I am sure he has doubts. Perhaps, this is really an issue of HOW TO SHOW, rather than WHETHER YOU DO.

You don't want to disappoint him do you? You fear him in some ways don't you? He is close, too close isn't he?

Not change a thing?!?! If that was the case, what would you do? Just carry on the way you are? Learn fast to accept and compromise? What would that marriage look like and how does it survive? I guess like we are now?
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No, not exactly.....What I would do is find the ways you DO NOT MESH, the things YOU FEEL YOU NEED from him and then find special ways of articulating what you need. To do all this, you both need to carry on the WAYS YOU REALLY ARE!

Once you both look closely AT HOW YOU EACH REALLY ARE, then perhaps, once you understand how each other is and what makes each other tick, then perhaps you will be able to communicate with the other one better, maybe even in thier language.

Hopefully a tiny bridge of "deep need communication" will be built by you or by both (since you are the one who seems to have more unmet needs here you might be the one who has to take the lead) that will join both of you so you can cross that large dark chasm.

Sometimes it is hard to learn to speak about deep needs. I had to learn how to do it. You must take only ONE need at a time, more than one is too hard.

:)Step one is to first view the NEED itself, observe the need, get to know the need in yourself, accept the need, accept that you have that need, accept yourself for having needs and that need in particular and love yourself and that need and gradually all your needs you are realizing.

:oStep two would be to look at your mate and see them as they are.

Step three would be to learn to SPEAK out, and speak ABOUT your one need, the first need you want to articulate and share,,,,, to the mate. In a positive, loving happy way. With total awareness of what that need is.

I hope you can try this! It really helps a relationship get closer. And I hope you can learn to become aware of your needs in such a deep way that you can learn to ARTICULATE them to another human being. And I hope if you articulate a need clearly and in a very good way to your husband, taking into account his limitations and his personality, in order to really really communicate to him, that he responds and understands where you are coming from.

Perhaps, if you hammer down your own needs, two or three of them at first, and then if you learn really well how to articulate those needs to another human being, perhaps then you will be able to articulate this to your husband. Once he has understood and heard your language, this language, the special language of "expressing deep human needs" coming from your mouth,,,,well, he may just learn to express his deep needs to you!

If you both express your deepest needs to each other and both understand the other one, then neither one of you HAS TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITIES, RATHER, YOUR COMMUNICATION OF DEEP NEEDS WILL CREATE A SOLID TINY BRIDGE OF LOVE ...OR YOUR LOVE WILL CREATE A BRIDGE OF UNDERSTANDING....SO THAT YOU CAN MESH IN THIS WAY AND STILL KEEP YOUR PERSONALITITES INTACT, WITHOUT CHANGE.

(I am sorry I dont know where this stuff is coming from tonite but if it helps go for it!)

Sounds like he clams up and blinds himself to the fact that things are bad in your home and marriage. Has he always coped with difficulties using this same particular coping device?

I count FOUR very big needs here. It is OK. It is FOUR HUGE COMPLEX needs you are bringing up here. These are important needs. Not just for you but for him if he thinks he needs it or not.

Sounds like he wants to go into hia armadillo mode and like in the army, "don't ask, don't tell"....

Has he learned this approach from childhood? There is some reason he sticks to the same bad approach. I want to find out why. This is clearly not helping your marriage. It really sounds like he expects his wife to be a simple woman who cooks and cleans, is happy, and has no deep needs or problems.