I talk to DS about the situation, on a level he can understand. As he gets older, I will open the door up for these conversations.

For now, I am trying to show him that he is safe with me; that I am there to show him the way. I keep discipline front and center in our home.


Yes.

I know I did all I could with what I knew. I suppose it bothers me that I was standing so close to everything, it was all blurry. I couldn't get clear while I was IN the throes of attempted recovery. I couldn't separate myself out from it like it wasn't happening to us, to me. I was so angry, disappointed, sad. On top of that, I was living with a cold fish. Man, that was horrible, horrible, horrible, blechy, poopy, icky, tough, horrible, did I say horrible?

Anyhoo, I'm a better person for having put forth the efforts. I have changed, some for the better. The situation has created doubts that I work to overcome.

I'm armed with a great deal of knowledge about relationships that I did not have before. I'm lucky in that way. I'm not afraid to be honest about what I need, my likes, dislikes and boundaries. I would rather people know what they are in for with me, and I would rather those who would overstep those boundaries not be a part of my life. THat doesn't make them bad people, just not people for me.

FOO issues that I am working on. I feel ULTRA responsible when things don't work out. I'm supposed to be stronger than strong, smarter than the smartest, work until I fall over, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

EVEN IF I'M SICK.

I'm not making excuses, just recognizing where I continue to struggle with change.

I DID NEED the Z, in our marriage. I needed a partner. I expressed this, and, in terms of domestic support, he stepped up. It was my EN for affection that went so very unmet; it really was sad. Blech! Ptewy, ptewy! Bleh!

That feeling you just had? Yeah, that one. Where you sit a little taller 'cause your spine stiffened up in defense.

That's what I feel every time I hear that phrase. Well, DUH, I know it is what it is.

That does not mean I cannot feel what I feel and that it is not okay to feel that way.

It is what it is and I feel about it how I feel about. I won't fight what IS if no one fights how I FEEL. KWIM?

(not directed at you, SL - just a continuation of thoughts about the phrase)

Fox

I do know what you mean, Foxy.

I'm employing acceptance of those things outside of my control in my life, and shoring up where *I* do have some say and control.

I know you don't need me to tell you this, but it IS okay to feel the way you feel, and it is okay to handle situations as you will. It's all valid. We all are different, we all have to find our own way, it's just that sometimes, we agree on that way.

I have heard it said that personal recovery is a great gig.

Really? Gosh, that is one wise person, 'cuz it is so true

I see that I missed some deep discussions today.

BS's have their own fog. We know this. You did your best, SL. You're still my hero.

I agree! About the fog an being my hero too!

Got your last email, haven't had time to response to it...things are a little crazy...

I ahve my own set of doubt right now dealing with POWS...

BUT as far you, have you gone back and read some of your old stuff? Recalled how great you did back in the gap!

You may have a different POV, it might help put the present into perspective...

...bumping up....for SL.

Sorry I missed your BUMP Luna. Some days I just stay away.

So, new thoughts careening around in my head, since reading some of these threads about Just Compensation and about the whole Brain Fart Syndrome that Krazy's thread is about.

I really wish there was some justice in this world. I wish that Karma was real. I wish that consequences would be paid by the waywards of this world. I just can't say that I believe in it.

Why do I want these things for the Z, though? What difference does it make. It is something I think on and really desire some sort of consequences to be had for his behavior, for how he treated me, how he ignored me.

I talked to one of my friends at work about this and he said, "you really do want this badly, don't you?" He said it in a way that implied that it was a waste of time or a shallow pursuit.

I can't say that I don't agree with him.

I chose to marry the Z. I chose him in the first place. The Z got to a place that he wanted out of the marriage and his choice of exit was an affair (or two or three or however many). I am paying the consequences for MY choices. The karma bus hath runneth me over and then backed up and rolled over me again for good measure, so I learned this lesson well.

Even if the Z pays any consequences, it won't amount to a hill of beans of change in MY life. The damage is done.

I post this in hopes of getting past this hump. It's been something I've thought about a lot these last few months, and I just want this purple spotted monkey off of my back.

My desire is to have a happy, healthy life. This is not healthy thinking and I want to get past it, to not give a care anymore. Perhaps I just need more dingy dangy time.

Who brought up the scene from the third Indiana Jones movie? Where they drink from the wrong cup, and the old knight says "He chose poorly."

That's us, SL. We chose poorly.

I've been feeling the same way lately. Regretting ever getting involved with the SCQ. Ours was a relationship born from drama. I rescued her. Dumb.

It's in the past, though. Not much point in kicking ourselves over it. At the end of the day, we can only do our best.

Besides, without the Z, you wouldn't have DS.

SL,

I read your post last night and it's been on my mind ever since.

First, about this -




I didn't find your post that way at all. Who among us DOESN'T wish for our WS to reap what they have sown?


Maybe.

But probably not.

Yet, don't totally discount the bit of satisfaction you just might feel.

Dependent upon the type of consequence, as well as Z's reaction to it, it is possible that you might someday feel a bit sorry for him.

Maybe.

But probably not.

You may never 'see' any consequences for Z. That doesn't mean that he isn't experiencing any. It's HIGHLY likely that he is enduring consequences of which you will never be made aware. It is likely that even he may not even recognize certain things in his life as being a result of his actions and the affair(s). I'd wager that most waywards don't or won't admit even to themselves the true consequences of their actions.

But I'd bet they DO exist. And more so than WE will ever know.



Yes it is. However, that damage no longer defines WHO and WHAT you are, does it? Yes, it will always be a part of what happened in your life but you have taken what was done to you and moved to a new place in life. You have chosen to overcome the a pain unlike any other in life and implement change in your life in a POSITIVE way.

You didn't curl up in a fetal position forever. You rose above. You did everything in your power to save your marriage. You were and ARE a WONDERFUL mother to DS, despite personally enduring the worst emotional trama and at the same time overcoming severe physical challenges!!!

You did that.

Goddess Style.

You rose above. You remain above.

You are a new and improved SL, DEPSITE the damage that was done.

You have been a blessing to us all here.

So part the WAAAAMBULANCE in the garage again and get back on your high horse! You have earned that ride.

I too don't think you come off as whiny here at all SL.. tbh, I think it's pretty clear that the majority of us who are in the relm of doneness have these kinds of thoughts from time to time.

I'm sure it's a part of the healing process.. a type of acceptance of 'what is', and the moving on with our own lives.

Perhaps it's also part of forgiveness.. which was recently explained to me in a light that really helped me consider where I was with all of that towards WW.. It's said that true forgiveness is to give up any percieved 'right' to hurt others for the hurts they're responsible for in our lives.

Was a pretty good barometer for me at least.. I think I'm there more days than not.. and when the revulsion boils up anymore.. it's like bad gas or indigestion.. distasteful, and with luck it passes pretty quickly..



Just another step in gettin there SL.. you're doin great, don't talk yourself out of that.

Thanks Guy, Bugsy and James.

I know that this desire for justice will pass. It comes and goes, mostly, I don't think about it at all. It seems to be one of the LAST issues I face in terms of my recovery.

I know that the best revenge, the best helping of justice will be me living a happy life. I live a happy life, just have some baggage to cart around.

Today is a better day. Unfortunately, all of those thoughts caused me to dream about the Z and it was not good. I was back in the midst of the false recoveries. I didn't wake up sad or even angry, but deflated.

I'm doing much better now that the haze of sleep has worn off and the real world has taken over.

The others said it so well, I have nothing to add other than I am there, too, still working through it.

This too shall pass.

Miss Lucidity

Fox

Hi SL,


...and if not, you will continue to do whatever it takes....UNTIL!

...because you are worth the EFFORT, SL!

...and thank you for the courage to put into words what MANY of us here FEEL...

SL

How are you, O Lucid One?

Fox

Hello ladies and Gents!

I'm doing well, thanks. Not much new to report. Well, maybe a little. I have been communicating with that 'old friend' that I met up with in AZ. It's been great! I am still planning on getting out there, but my ducks must be all lined up first.

As for the divorce, things are chugging along. One more month and it's done. I'm completely okay with that. I filed for a reason, because I was done.

I've had some thoughts about the Z, and have noticed him making contact for silly stuff. I think he feels a disturbance in the force. LOL!!! The thoughts I have consist mostly of hoping that he turns himself around, and becomes a better man. HE may already be doing this, hence the unnecessary contact. I've SEEN him quite a bit lately; DS was sick with the flu this last week, so on tradeoffs and such we talked face to face about how to care for him (which the Z is great at, so way ask me anyway :RollieEyes:).

Even if the contact is to test the waters, that well hath run dry. I won't go back. Damage done. Bridge thorougly scorched and crumbled to the ground. I have no desire to fix this anymore, not even for my kid. I'm at total peace in that arena.

I'm eager to move on, get moving in my own direction.

In the end, the Z made choices, not quite thinking thru that I was going to be making some too.

DS seems to be handling everything very well. We talk quite a lot, and he's is very open with me.

I'm happy with the way my life is going. I'm excited about my future again. The cup is half full. It's taken a lot of work, but I've turned that negative Nelly off in my head. She visits now and then, but that's it.

Thanks for bumping me up. I honestly just don't have MUCH to say.

okay, scrutinize away...

You sound so great, my friend!!!


True recovery at work........






Is there something I am missing?


Fox