I posted on this site a few months back and asked for advice to help my H and I move forward from the destruction that I have caused our marriage. Yes, I did have an A. The A lasted from 2/8/08 till NC date of 4/21/08. There has not been ANY contact with the OM since 4/21/08. The OM was a Personal Trainer at the gym that I regularly worked out at. I have not seen the OM, talked to the OM, gotten updates about the OM... nothing since my text message to him saying that he needs to leave me alone, never call me again, etc...

That being said. I did not come "clean" with my BH on d-day 4/21/08. It has been 10 months and I have finally come "clean". I have opened my cloak and shown all of my vulnerabilities to him. Opening up to him has not been easy. Until January, BH did not make it easy for me to open up to him about anything. I did do the trickle-truth method that many of you have talked about... reveal a detail today, with-hold tomorrow, reveal a detail in a week, etc. I have not been with-holding from him to hurt him BUT I know that it does hurt him every time that he finds out some other detail that I failed to tell him. I am one of those people that doesn't understand how knowing all of the disgusting details helps you through this, but one of those people who sees it as hurting the possible recovery. I know, selfish. I have been selfish. I have been wanting to recover on my terms and not his.

I have been trying, really trying to make improvements in myself and our relationship. I am making an effort to meet his EN. Could I do better, YES. I know I could. It seems like there is so much that needs to be worked on I struggle sometimes with where I should start.

He has been telling me for the past few weeks, very adamantly I add, that he knows there is something I have not told him and that I am still lying about something. Of course, I lied. That's what we WS do isn't it. Sorry, that was mean, not everyone lies. But yes, he has been right. Over the past few weeks I have been feeling more sick and anxious and disgusted with myself for not telling him. Here is a man who loves me, he may not be in love with me right now, but he loves me and I keep pooping on him by with-holding. Needless to say, I am tired of protecting myself and any lies that I have told. Today he sent me a text message that said he knows me better than anyone and knows that I am hiding, our hearts can't move forward without truth, we can't recover without truth, etc... I decided to come clean. I mean really clean. Squeaky clean.

I told him one thing that I had been lying about over the phone, and then a few more, and then I had to get back to work so I asked if we could talk when we get home from work. I don't have an office job and if I did I would have talked all afternoon but i don't so I can't. I spent all of the free minutes of my afternoon writing down all of the lies that I had told him, details that I had with-held from him, and anything else I could think of that I hadn't discussed with him so when I got home from work I could lay it out for him. When we got home, I started from day one of the A and went to d-day, with all of the information. Not just what I thought he needed to hear. I told him all of it. He had a page of questions and we went through those as well.

Here's where I need help... I have told him SO many times, "I am being honest with you", "I have nothing left to tell you", etc., that now that all of the dirt, grime, vomit, is out in the open he doesn't believe me. I guess I don't expect him to believe me especially when I have been lying for 10 months but how do I start helping him realize that YES, all of that was what she was with-holding and now it is time for me to take that and make my decisions. I told him tonight if he wants poly, fine. Set it up. I don't have anything to hide. If he thinks that will help, whatever it takes I will do it.

We are expecting a baby in 2 months and I really want to have 2 months of honest recovery under our belts before the baby gets here. And to those of you who read my H's thread and question if this is his baby, YES it is and NO I did not set up my husband by getting pregnant on purpose. I am not an idiot and I do not think that a child will bring us back together. Only we can do that.

Things should improve if you are truly being honest with him this time. You must be completely transparent if you really want him to forgive you.

Offer him email passwords, and offer to trade your cellphone (if you have one) with his if he asks you.

By now you know you must never visit that gym again.

Offer him email passwords, and offer to trade your cellphone (if you have one) with his if he asks you.

By now you know you must never visit that gym again. [/quote]

I have given him all access to all of my bank accounts, email, facebook... everything. He can access that at anytime. I would have no problem with him taking my phone except that I would have no way of getting a hold of him because he needs to keep his phone for work purposes. I have no problem if he looks at my phone logs or text message logs whenever he want. I am being transparent.

Lindz,

He knew you were withholding information. Heck, WE knew it. And for a long time. You understand that it is going to take him a long time to believe all the truth is out now.

So, take the poly. Give him that closure so he doesn't spend the next 10 months (or more) wondering if he's really got it all now. Give him that gift before the baby comes, please.

Might as well dot the i's and cross the t's so you can get on with recovery.

And make radical honesty the mainstay of all your interactions from now on. After this, how mucher harder could that be?

Good luck.


Right Here Waiting

Quite honestly I wouldn't believe you either.

Oh, and please try not to become angry if he demands a paternity test.

Even if you have been in NC, he is used to you lying to him like you did before.

lindz-

The thing about recovery is that it takes "whatever it takes."

Are you willing to do that, even if you think you don't need to, or if you think you have already come clean?

Because it's not about you and what you have done-it's about "whatever it takes" for your BS to be able to start trusting you again.

I am so glad you're back, Lindz. I kept asking your H if you were going to return. This is good you decided to do this.

If I may prepare you for what you may experience here:

If you are as committed as you sound in your first post here, you want what's best for your H as you begin this journey post D-day. Because your heart may be in the right place, doesn't mean you'll make the right choices. And it's in that spirit that you need to realize you may not be able to see everything clearly. That's where the vets here get you back on track. You may experience more 2x4s (you know what those are like ) and you may get smacked around. If you get it upside the head, it's because people here want you to recover your marriage if that's what you and GP want. It's easy to take it personally because this is your life. And you should internalize what you read. Remember that most of it comes from a place of goodness from people with experience.

Radical honesty is how you are living your life from now forward.

Your actions speak volumes and will outweigh your words every time. What you do -- from your subtle body language to how you set the table -- will be taken in and evaluated by H. Remember this.

You need to know why you did this. You need to uncover what it was that allowed you to have an A. But your #1 priority right now is to help your H heal.

These are my thoughts.

Again, I'm glad you're back.

Yes, your husband is right to not trust you and yes you should take a polygraph. But taking a polygraph will not erase the past and make you a trustworthy person. Trust has to be EARNED. And it is EARNED by demonstrating trustworthy behavior over a long period of time. Its not an entitlement program.

What a shame your H has to endure this crap.

I fully expect him to ask for a paternity test. I have expected this from the moment I found out I was pregnant. If that is something he says he needs then obviously it will happen. I want there to be no questions in his head if he is truly our child's father or not. I KNOW he is the father but I need him to know that he is the father.

I think it would help if you can figure out some ways to be "proactively" honest.

Find three places that will do a polygraph and give the info to your H. Tell him you'll willingly take a polygraph, these are a few possibilities, and you'll take the poly from anyone he chooses.

Keep him informed as to your whereabouts at all times. Let him know when you leave the house, when you arrive at your destination, when you leave to return home. Call him if you're stuck in traffic or held up in a long line running errands.

Offer to put a GPS on your car that can track your movements for his review.

Install a key logger on your PC and have the reports emailed to him.

Lindz:

So have the paternity Test.
And then the Poly.

That will make the next two months of recovery smoother.

Your Husband should not have to schedule this. You should just DO IT.

Show that committment. You have finally "come clean"? If you have, your husband will know. He is suspect right now that you have, but he will know. And your recovery will start to speed up. Understand that your recovery will start from THAT date of 'coming clean" not the April 08 date. Start all the timelines that are listed around here from there.


LG

Thanks LG for the comments. I would like the baby to be born first, then have the paternity. Having an amniocentesis to prove paternity puts unneeded risk onto the baby. That is not an excuse what-so-ever not to have the paternity test. I want to have it done but not at the expense of harming the baby.

I guess I question if he will "KNOW" that I have come clean and that I am being honest with him just because I have been so dishonest with him up until this point. I know that as of today, this morning, he does not believe me. I think it is because of the 10 months of dishonesty. How do I continue to show and prove to him that I am being honest. Obviously, everyone thinks that a poly is the way to go but is it really, truly the answer? Can I have the poly done and then he turn it around and say that I am such a good liar that I have even the poly fooled? I guess what I am saying/questioning is will he ever believe me again, even with all the honesty, transparency, etc...?

Take the poly ASAP. It helped me a ton.

I like the proactively honest statement. That is great information. Thanks.

In regards to the other part of your comment. I keep him posted at all times of where I am going. I do call him when I leave, when I arrive, and even to the extent of when I walk into the store. I think I am very good at keeping him posted. I could put a GPS on my car but I guess that I feel that is an expense that is unneeded because I really am good at keeping him notified of my whereabouts. I don't have personal access to a PC at work and typically only use the PC when I am at home with him. If I do use the PC at home when he is not here, I do tell him everywhere I go. I know he can track where I go so I don't try and hide any of that.

Not that a poly is suddenly going to make all of this disappear, but it does take some of the "what ifs" from the BS and your H should be able to let go of some of the worry that another d-day is coming.

There is nothing on earth that is worse than living in constant fear (as your H did for 10 months) that another d-day is coming.

Especially when you know in your gut that something is not right.

I believe I posted to you a long time ago and told you to dump it all, I could tell you weren't telling the truth.

What a shame you didn't take that advice...you have really mucked up this recovery.

What is your H's screenname around here?

But why did it help you a ton? This is what I don't understand about the poly. I am not trying to make excuses at all about the poly, I will take one but you hear so much about how they are inaccurate or inconclusive. And, in your situation, did your spouse take the poly and pass and you just looked at them and said... "okay, now I trust you" and that was it? I just think, and I am sure that this is selfish, that even if I have the poly, he won't believe the results and he will convince himself that I tricked the poly to pass.

Honestly, no one cares what you "think" about these things, do them ANYWAYS.

Just GO and put a GPS on your car...you have already proven that you are a good liar, and we all know you can lie about your whereabouts when you call your H to "tell him where you are".

Just go ahead and install a keylogger as well. Don't even bother asking your H if you should...JUST DO IT.

You are asking us what else you can do so that he can start to believe that you are telling the truth, and we are telling you...and then you tell US that you don't think it's necessary!!!

WTF???

I really did "muck" up the recovery. And now I am trying to follow the right path. Yes, you did tell me to dump everything. Many of you vets did but I didn't listen. I was selfish. My H's screen-name is goldpig22.

You cannot trick an ENTIRE poly...you might be able to trick one or two questions, but even that isn't that easy.

My H has needed polys for his job, we know they are fairly accurate.

He passed the poly with no problems. It was HIS idea and that made a huge impact on me. Make it YOUR idea to show some good faith.

Yes, you are being selfish. Take the d*mn poly and quit making excuses.