Hello--I've posted before, and my summary situation is as follows: been married for 12 years, together for 20. Relationship has been troubled because of issues with intimacy (mine), and WH has engaged in affairs throughout the marriage (4 that I know of). after the revelation of the second set of affairs, we both entered counseling, but he is still in contact with OW, says she's the love of his life...you get the picture. The last time this happened (4 years ago) I came here to this site...and didn't do what I should have. So, I enabled this, and I know it. This current affair has been exposed to EVERYONE, and he is feeling the heat from friends and family...so at least this time I did that part right.

We've been in this for a month, and I have been doing a reasonably good plan A--in fact, it's really been quite good. No angry outbursts, or anything of the sort. I've owned up to my end of the deal, that I do have issues with depression and I know how terribly I have hurt WH by my difficulties with intimacy. I have apologized, and I too am in counseling. I know that he doesn't trust me to make the changes that he needs; I continue on anyways to try to improve myself and how I interact with others.

WH, however, has engaged in all sorts of name calling, telling me I cannot change, or telling me HOW to change, and that maybe he will love me..or maybe not. The marriage counselor we are seeing has made it abundantly clear that there is no marriage building unless he quits his affair. So, of course, WH decides that the marriage counselor isn't a very good one, doesn't understand him, etc. His role models are now those who have "escaped" from marriages by having affairs. He is very foggy.

I'm now at a place where I am almost completely detached. It seems he wants to live in limbo, or be with her. So, here are my questions for the pros here:

1) plan B: I know there are lots of resources here, and I'm trying to read up on it. What I really need help is putting together a plan that involves two kids (ages 8 and 5)...am I supposed to leave? move out? ( I don't think I am)...need some help with the logistics of this, since I'm having some trouble thinking clearly

2) Divorce: I honestly don't even know if plan B is worth it, because I don't know how this marriage can even begin to recover if he cannot admit that he did anything wrong (the most I have received from him was that he knew the affairs were destructive, but it paled in comparison to the emotional torture that I inflicted on him).

I'm confused. I don't want to end my marriage--somewhere in there I thought there was the man I fell in love with all of those years ago...I just don't know what I am doing anymore. I also know I bear a lot of the responsibility for the situation in the marriage that led to these affairs...it just seems that I/we have lost any chance for a recovery.

All I know is that I need to move myself out of this toxic situation. Thanks to all for your help--sorry this is so long.

Plan B is not necessarily a means to recapture your marriage. Plan B is for YOU; it gives you space to regain your own sense of identity. If the marriage improves and is saved, so much the better, but Plan B will benefit you either way.

It doesn't have to be an either/or decision here. You seem to have read enough to understand that your M cannot survive an active affair. Not all affairs end after Plan A alone, so the next step is Plan B. With children, you will need to set up a mediator to facilitate visitation, transfers and any essential information regarding them. There are a few active threads of Plan Bers here - have a look at those to see how they've arranged it.

As for divorce, you can make a decision to divorce at any time. It doesn't have to be today. It doesn't have to be instead of Plan B. Plan B is going to help you recover personally, regardless of whether your marriage recovers or not. The purpose of plan B is to protect the BS from hateful things WS's typically do, while preserving whatever love is left for the WS. When the affair ends, you can still decide if you want to recover or not - only this time you will be in a calm place rather than the turmoil you feel now.