Yes, a man can be quite well-endowed and still be cheated on by his wife.

Zack, I bet I can guess the answer, but was alcohol involved in the pre-M A? How old are you? Does your W have other "friends" like this one?

Thanks shine, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Yes my honeymoon period ended 3 months into the M after DDay. Too bad all those honeymoon and wedding memories are tainted by my wifes infidelity and dishonesty. I went from being on top of the world, being married to the love of my life, to being the lowest I've ever felt in my entire 29 years on this earth all in a short amount of time.

I figure I should provide some background info, to complete a more realistic and accurate picture. My wife has been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. For the first few years our R was great, almost blissful. Shortly after engagement she begin to have anxiety/panic attacks. We were together for almost 5 years prior to getting married as we were engaged for over a year. During this time she was struggling with her anxiety about the upcoming wedding, she was vulnerable, drinking alot and starting hanging out w/ a guy at her work. I think you see how this played out. She was with him PA twice, but they prob made out (kissing) more. I think one of the things that really didnt help is that her dad made a comment to her about how he had a last fling before marring her mom and they have since been together 20+ years or so. The confession shocked my wife and she told me about it at the time. I believe that comment planted a seed in her mind that combined with other factors encouraged her to engage in the A. You see she always badmouthed people who had affairs and if I think that if you were to have told her a few months before the A, she was going to have one she would have said you were crazy! She admitted afterwards she never thought she would do anything like that and that she never had with any previous relationships.

I also want to add that she volunteered the info about the A, I had no idea and would not to this day had she not decided to be honest. One of the things I caught her say on the recordings a year out from DDAy (when she made the kissing comment) she did tell her friend that she had to have ALOT to drink before she could go through with it. (she also said her AP got "flirty" after 4 beers)

After DDay she took responsibility (said it was all her and not me)and answered all questions no matter how much detail I wanted. I was devesated and I could see how impacted she was by the pain she unintentionally caused me. I get the impression that she could not go through with that again. I remind myself that everyone makes mistakes and I wanted to try to forgive her.

Thanks for your input

Zack I was a FWW and learnt the hard way about keeping my M affair proof and building my H trust back. Its living an entirely open life and taking actions to actively protect your H and family.

And frankly your wife DOES NOT GET IT.

The hard reality is that some WS do not ever get it by themselves. They do not see they should 'protect' their husband or wife in the future to ensure they feel secure within the relationship because THEY betrayed it!

Many think and try to act as if the cheating never happened or wasn't that big a deal and that if ignored it will go away. It doesn't.

Additionally unless the BS (you) is BLUNT and puts it on the line they will never learn either. Even then some will never learn.

There is definitely a chance your wife will learn but you really need not to pull the punch's so to speak. This incident is a classic one. You need to explain the lack of trust which she has AGAIN confirmed to you by her actions...that she has never been fully honest about the affair.
You need to explain how her comments and attitude strike at the heart of your M and relationship.
You need to tell her how you really feel about the M as it is right now and how her actions have contributed to this situation.
It may need to be said in a professional MC environment due to her disorder but it needs to be put to her very plainly.

Without being an ogre I also feel YOU need to stop excusing her poor choices and actions. I was medically depressed and mourning the death of our 4 yr old son when I cheated. Did that excuse it? NO WAY. It certainly helped my H to consider those facts when thinking of a possible future with me but it NEVER excuses!!! NEVER!!!

Her drinking is the same... if it really such an issue then she needs to seek help with this. If its used more as an excuse ... that is she does not drink outside of social environment then she is using it to excuse herself. If she drinks consistently then that issue has to be resolved or worked on before any M work can begin in earnest.

Maybe a MB weekend will assist. It may also demonstrate how committed she is to the M as well. At the least you will be confident you did all you could to save your M if it does not work out... at the best you BOTH may be able to eventually recover it fully. Maybe even say new vows together. A new M in fact.

JMHO Zack ... I know you are the one that has to live with the situation so you get to decide how or if you will deal with it.

Best of luck.

Thanks aussieswife,
I appreciate your feedback and I think that you are right in a lot of respects. Yes I have to decide how or if to deal with it, I'm just not sure what to do. In a way its like the early days after DDay, not knowing what to do, so just waiting...

I wasn't trying to make excuses for her, I just wanted tell a more balanced story for the forum members to help guide me. I didnt want to come on here and say only negative things about my FWW and not show the positives she has put in. She has done alot to help heal, but I kinda feel like the comments she made (although few and sparse)are a major setback in confidence for me. Thanks again.
Zack

So Zack

You got your advice. What are you going to do?

If this is how she deals with problems, your future with her doesn't look very bright. The stress of wedding planning is a picnic compared to raising children and other challenges you will encounter during a lifelong marriage. If I were in your shoes, she would cut back or preferably, eliminate the drinking altogether, or get her walking papers. I wouldn't care if she only drinks "socially" once a month. Drinking has preceeded sex with another man and unflattering comments about the one person she should be protecting above all others (you). And those are just the things you know about. I would also discourage future contact with this skank she considers a "friend".

I wouldn't worry about getting more intel. I would confront her NOW about the hurtful comment. Of course, that's me talking, and this is about you. You need to decide what you will and will not tolerate and be sure she understands.

Your wife's 'friend' is toxic.

Here's what I would do....

Tell your wife everything you know then tell her that her that you know because her 'friend' told you when she hit on you.

OK, you can all bash me now.

LOL!

I bet being with her is like ****edit****

****edit****

Not sure yet...

To give you guys an update she commented to me the other night: "I thought about what you said and I do think that ********(crappy friend) would hit on you" and I say oh really why do you say that? 'Well i thought about it..blah blah" then she suggested that we possibly at some point set her up to see if she would actually do it. ?!?

So i asked her "Did she say or ASK anything about me?" (knowing full well that she asked about my size). My wife at first said no but then later she said she remembered she did ask about my size and that my wife responded that she was not going to discuss that (which was true) and that she refused to answer, WHEN I KNOW SHE SAID ITS AVERAGE! She even told me that if I had a thing down to my ankles she wouldn't tell anyone! Of course the point is while being partially honest she did lie about some things.

I will confront her its just a matter of timing. There is some personal and business matters to contend to so I have to plan my battles carefully right now.

Thats great!:) I have actually considered that! I could say she was "flirty" and told me everything, but the story might not hold up.. and not exactly honest....

Okay. You tell her you know and if she asks how you learned of it, you tell her how. Period.

Why?

She was having a conversation with a friend IN YOUR HOME. You were not spying on them. And even if you were, too bad so sad. You live there for goodness sake. They were not in a sound proof room. They were not at their friend's house. You weren't breaking and entering. If it was absolutely something that you were not to hear, they should have taken the conversation elsewhere, checked to see where you were, used sign language, or written it down and destroyed the evidence. Yes, it's your wife's home too, and you need to respect her space. But did you bug the room? No. There is a possibility that when you have a conversation in a place that is shared by other people, those people may pass by or be in the other room or elsewhere that can allow conversations to be heard. I can hear my husband's conversations that he has in his office downstairs from our bedroom because of the heater vents. If he wants to say something private, he knows he has to talk very quietly, make sure I'm not in our bedroom, or move to another room. It ain't a hardship.

I guarantee you that if she was in one room and you were visiting with a buddy in the next and you shared in a volume that she could hear that you thought your neighbor lady's chest was worthy of fondling (I'm trying to think of something comparable), her ears would perk up and take in more. I sincerely doubt she'd giggle about it, move to another room, and forget about it. And yes, that is a solid DJ on my part.

Tell her you heard it. Tell her how you feel about it. And tell her how you hope she will respectfully handle those topics going forward.

Looking4!!!!! Handle those topics???

Jim

Oooohhhhh, Jim. You have no idea how much I needed that laugh out loud outburst you just gave me. I'm usually keen on those double-entandras (sp?) yet it slipped right past me. Probably because I've had steam coming out my ears today.

Thank you!

(Still giggling! And blushing a bit, too.)

"Tell your wife everything you know then tell her that her that you know because her 'friend' told you when she hit on you.

OK, you can all bash me now."

Lying here as this poster is saying is playing games/with fire.

"I thought about what you said and I do think that ********(crappy friend) would hit on you"

Your WW loves to play games.

What is her motive?

To get you to bang her friend so you lose your moral high ground because she had an affair and you do not.

"that she refused to answer, WHEN I KNOW SHE SAID ITS AVERAGE"

Your WW is still lying to you.

You won't confront WW with her lies, with her fondly recalling the OM's equipment.

Zack, you like to play games/with fire. Hope you will like getting played/burned by your WW.

You won't expose or confront WW. You won't do any thing but come here and cry.

Cry all you want. It just won't resolve anything.

I will confront her but it has to be on MY timeframe. Due to personal and business affairs that i cannot elaborate on, even on an anonymous forum, I am overwhelmed and have to take this slowly now.

We had a great talk tonight and I asked alot of questions. I flat out caught her in several lies, but have not said anything yet. I'll keep you guys up to date with how this unfolds. I have read and reread all the posts several times and thanks to everyone that contributed.

Zack is not unique. We've all seen BH's who come here just to commiserate, vent and whine.

Those BH's who are serious about helping their situations absorb the information provided and ACT on what they have learned. Those that don't ... make excuse after excuse about how NOW just isn't the right time, or how it will only drive thier WW further away, or how we just don't understand their unique circumstances, or etc., etc.

They are masters of self-deception. They will deceive themselves into believing all of the above, and then later on will deceive themselves into believing that they are in recovery only to keep making and living with the same mistakes again and again.

Zack, when you started this thread you were upset that you WW was talking about the size of your equipment not being big enought.You have found every excuse in the book not to confront her. You can show her how big they are by confronting her if what she said is truly upseting to you.

Yes when I started it was about her mentioning her AP sexually, even though it was a single brief comment, as others on here have confirmed that is not a good sign 3 years into recovery. Besides that I'm a little more upset by the fact that she told her "friend" several things I told to her in confidence.

We had a great talk last night. She was drinking and usually I an get alot out of her when she drinks. So I casually started asking questions and it progressed. She actually told me alot and was almost honest. She admitted that her AP came up, but it was only briefly, and she honestly couldnt remember what she said! She also told me that she didnt discuss me with her friend but she did.

Point being, I was giving her a opportunity to be honest and get it out and she has lied to me. She was honest about almost everything, but i guess she couldnt bring herself to tell me she brought up her AP's size. So now i have no choice but to confront her with the recordings I have. Fun stuff:(