Just looking for advice from those who are recovered/recovering. At the end of January, I discovered my husband was on the verge of an A. I confronted him after I found something he wrote to her on our home computer, he confessed, he was initially angry and leaning toward divorce, but after we talked it out, he decided he does not want out of the marriage. Our marriage/relationship (we have been living together for 10 years, married for 2) has already been through one ONS (me, approx. 5 years ago, we broke up then got back together).

So for a week, we were working toward being in love again, and then I confessed about a second occurence, which happened a little over a year before we were married. I confessed because I realized that our marriage could not really surive, recover, and thrive without complete honesty. I couldn't take part in it if I were still keeping that from him. I was wrong to have done it in the first place, I was wrong to keep it from him for 3 years, and it would have been wrong to continue to lie about it.

I have been through this website front and back, read through Dr. Harley's books and other books on surviving infidelity. I have encouraged my husband to go to counseling either alone or with me. I have referred him to this website, telling him that it has helped me tremendously and I'm really only reading other people's stories. He says he forgives me and wants our marriage to work, but I feel like we are ignoring the issues and living in la la land. I don't want to constantly have these painful conversations, but he has not spoken to anyone other than me about this, and I think he needs more support. He doesn't want to go to counseling at all, because he doesn't think anyone can help him, and he is afraid of what he'll say if forced to talk about it. But I know he is keeping stuff on the inside that needs to come out. I know this because a couple weeks ago, he went out with a friend after work, called me from the train on the way home, started talking about what I had done, screamed at me for being a slut, to get out of the house, etc. Of course I met him at the train station and drove him home, where we continued to talk and argue. Avoiding alcohol is not the solution to this problem.

So ... I want to support him, I want him/us to go to counseling, I will do whatever it takes for my marriage and for him. He also hasn't wanted to have sex, which is understandable considering what he's just found out, but on the other hand, it was the lack of sex between us that has always been the issue (for my mistakes and for his near affair). But if we continue on as we have, do we have a chance?

filledwithregret,

My H was like yours--absolutely no interest in "telling his problems to a stranger." Didn't believe in the whole idea of counseling.

But after his affair, we needed SOMETHING, and he knew it. Best thing that could've happened to us was getting involved with the Marriage Builders program. We did the weekend, and he was OK with that because it didn't involve talking to anyone--just listening to Dr. Harley.

After that, we did the course work, going through His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters and the workbook exercises that went with them. Took us over a year and a half to work through, but that was good, because it was more than enough time to build the healthy new habits we needed. A couple of times we posted to Dr. Harley on the private forum (accessible by couples who've done the MB weekend) and got his advice on our specific questions. All for about the same money it would've cost for marriage counseling locally, which would've been hit-or-miss, depending on how "lucky" we might've gotten with a specific counselor.

We both believe that we either wouldn't be together, or wouldn't be happy together without working through this plan. There are a lot of believers on this board.

Keep reading.

Right Here Waiting

I'll keep trying. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

He's still reeling from what you told him. Give him time, and show him a new, better you. You've read all the info. Just live it.

Would he be willing to read? You might try getting the book "Surviving An Affair." If you can't find it in your local bookstore, you can order it from the MB bookstore (link on the home page.)

Something has to push this off the dime you're stuck on. If he won't read, you might try a session with the MB coaches (also a link on the home page). The people there are really good about giving concrete advice in any situation. Better than what you could find locally, in all likelihood. Give it a shot.

Hi FWR
Before I confessed my DH had had counselling for dperession/anger. We had also had MC (not MB). Both of which were very valuable to us personally but not as a couple.

But nothing has got us so close as working on the MB material and has had a real positive impact on the depression too.

We have been working on our recovery for just 2 months. We are both dedicated to it. My H doesn't come on the website though, just works through the exercises and discusses the finerpoints with me. If I see something on a discussion board that I think is relevant we will talk about it and he may read the discussion.

For us, I can't honestly see the need for counselling. I think if you are both keen and you have MB which you follow together it is possible.

ST

Your first post didn't mention that he was going through the MB material with you, or that you two are discussing the concepts in the books. That is good, and offers much hope for the future.

Please remember, though, that you are very early in your recovery and it will take a LOT of time. While it is was of the utmost importance that you tell him the truth, it will take him a long time to be able to trust you enough to share what he's feeling about it, and to work through it.

It will be your consistency in meeting his needs and avoiding love busters, over time, that helps him heal.

Consistency and time.

You said his involvement with the MB info is helping his depression. Is he also being treated for it?

He's not going through the material with me. Last night we had a discussion about it again, and he did say that he has checked out this website but mostly for the discussion forums, not so much the articles. He did say he is willing to read the books, even though he doesn't think they'll be very helpful. But he said he would read them with an open mind if I gave him some (I'm specifically thinking about the Surviving an Affair book and another one that's not by Dr. Harley... can't remember the title exactly but it's something about Not Forgiving, it's okay not to forgive ... something like that). I hope he finds them helpful.

He also said he is willing to try counseling if I really feel we need it. Which I do, I think we both need it. He is worried that it'll make him feel worse.

And yes, I will give him time. We talked last night about the things I'm learning through this site and through the people on this forum, and that I realize that we have a lot of "work" to do. I will give him all the time he needs, I will support him and listen to him, let him vent, whatever it takes.

Tell H that you liken marriage counseling to going to the hardware store and shopping for the right tools to get the repair job done correctly.

Tell H that the purpose for marriage counseling is to increase the skill level of BOTH OF YOU so that the repair job can be done well enough, and that you both learn some maintenance skills so that there will be no future breakage. You will spot trouble areas early on and be confident you can fine tune what you need to fine tune so that the machine known as YOUR MARRIAGE runs like new.

Use imagery. Use male imagery.

Do not use the words like: "communication" or "feelings" or "share" ... which sound girly.

Use MANLY words:

SKILLS
TOOLS
MAINTENANCE

and, where the HECK is MARK with his fishing imagery ?

HUH?

Good one Pep!

Want2Stay

I didn't even realize I've been using girly words. Interesting ...

What does your H do for a living or a hobby?
Whatever it is, USE his language when presenting your point of view.

LINK to an excellent discussion with MALE sensibility.

Thank you, Pepperband (and Mark who wrote it, if you ever read this) for referring me to that link. The idea of Male Sensibility hits home with me because I don't know how many times I've become frustrated with my husband because he thinks in terms of "fixing" while I tend to ponder, talk, ponder, talk some more.

I'm really glad I found this site. Thank you.

Just re-read your thread, FWR. It's only been a short time since you confessed. You've read up on the MB specifics, so I was wondering what steps you have taken to help your BH so far.

That is, what "just compensation" have you delivered?

I assume that all contact has ceased. That you are now fully transparent--he has access to your cell phone, your email, your whereabouts at all times.

...That you have apologized sincerely and frequently for the pain you heaped on him in violating his trust and the vows you made to him.

...That you have answered any question your H has about the affair with complete honesty.

...That you have drawn up and shared with him a LIST of the extraordinary precautions you have placed around yourself and your marriage to protect it from another infidelity ("I will not speak to any man about my personal problems, nor listen to any other man's personal problems." "I will not engage in recreational activities with any other man." That kind of thing.)

...That you are exploring the reasons you used to justify an affair (the excuses, the things you blamed HIM for) and taken steps to change the conditions that permitted such justifications. Have you told him what you need from him that you accepted from another man? Asked him what he needs from YOU that he wasn't getting?

...That you have asked him to tell you what he needs from you to help him through this.

You may have already done some of these things, but they are all important. It is important that you show him that the parts of you that are dangerous to him have been coralled and tamed. It can't be done quickly, but it will be your consistency over time that will show him you are the woman he married, only better.

Godspeed.

Right Here Waiting

Hi RHW,

All contact ceased a long time ago. He lives in another state, so I don't run the risk of seeing him in passing. I don't want to speak with him ever again, and I hope I never cross his path again.

I have done many of the things that you've listed. I know my H knows that I'm sincere in my apologies. I've answered any questions he's wanted answered, although there really haven't been that many. We're definitely exploring the reasons, and actively changing behaviors. I know I still have a ways to go.

The thing I am struggling with, is that my H doesn't really want to address all of this. Most of the time, we're ok, until all of a sudden, he explodes from the built up anger. He is struggling and he's hurting but he bottles it up. Right now, we're averaging one big blow up every 2 weeks. I referred him to this site because I hoped it would help him, since he isn't talking to anyone other than me for support. But it seems like coming to MB is only making him more angry. Every time he spends time on the boards, he ends up DIScouraged and more angry and pessimistic about whether he and we can overcome this.

fwr, when did you actually confess to your husband, recently ?

My wife admitted 5 months ago and only recently I have managed to stop obsessing about the affair. And yes it goes in spurts. The hurt and betrayal is so painful for a WH that no words can describe it. You have to be very patient. Things you can do to help him....

1) Apologize in a way he understands it. (There is a great book out there..5 languages of Apology..Get it)
2) Ask him what is that bothers him when he has a trigger..Be truthful in answering his questions
3) Start meeting his needs
4) Eliminate all LBs

As far as asking him for C, given the fact the A came out recently..I would respect your husband wishes. Go easy on it for now. Dont push for it. Show him you have changed. Dont expect quick results. Who knows, once he starts to appreciate what are you doing to save your marraige, he may change his mind.

yes, the confession is recent. it was about 7 weeks ago, although the incident happened 3 1/2 years ago. i understand that in his mind, it's like it just happened.

we're both all over the place right now. he tells me that it helps him when i act "normal" so i try to act normal, but then he triggers and gets angry again. so i can't really act normal, because i'm constantly afraid that he's going to suddenly blow up or pick a fight with me about something unrelated to my cheating. i'm also afraid to act too normal, because i don't want him to think that i'm not concerned about us.

i never expected this to be easy, i am just trying to learn to deal with the ups and downs that come with it. for him and for me. thanks for the advice and suggestions.

FWR,

Maybe what he's asking you for right now is your patience.

Maybe he's not yet in a place for "fixing" anything. Everyone has his/her own pace. Maybe he needs to sort some things out in his own head before he can address issues with you.

Yes, he's bottling things up, and they spill over about every two weeks. But it would be a mistake to pressure him. Spend this time making yourself safe for him to express what's eating him. See what happens in another few weeks or so.

Just thought I'd post again. It's been a while, haven't been posting but have been coming here, reading, looking for hope and inspiration.

We had about 2 good months. We took a much needed vacation, we have been getting along wonderfully. I am much more aware of his ENs, and he of mine. He has been spending a lot of time in the gym lately and it shows, he looks fantastic and I tell him every chance I get. That was one of the things I didn't do before, and I never realized how important it was to him.

A couple of weeks ago, he experienced a trigger that hasn't really gone away. Since then, he goes from sad and depressed to raging anger to ambivalence. When he asks questions, I give him the answers. I don't get defensive, but I admit that I always cry, I apologize for what I've done to him, to our marriage, for being selfish and immature and very very stupid. My shame and guilt are overwhelming, and rightly so. I pray we will get through this. If he finds a way to forgive me, he will never regret it.

He has not spoken to anyone else other than me about what is going on. He won't talk to friends, he refuses counseling. His view on counseling, is if he is the victim, and if he did nothing wrong, why should he be the one in counseling? I struggle with this so much because while I am here for him when he triggers, or any other time he wants to talk about it, I am the reason that he feels this way. I don't know that I'm always going to be the best person for him to talk to. Other than listen, be patient, don't get defensive, answer his questions, be there for him, and continue to show him how much I love him and am committed to making our marriage the best it can be, I don't know what to do. I don't think it's enough.

I guess I'm just looking for a bit of hope and encouragement that this is normal, that this will pass, and that others have been able to overcome and recover.